AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

[FatTory]

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

I actually found having visitors really difficult emotionally after having my DD, although I only told dh. We don't live near family, so it wasn't like people were just popping in, they were staying for a day or two when she was as young as 3 days old.

I was exhausted and going through the baby blues, and all I wanted was some quiet but had a house full of up to 8 people at one time. Mil was adamant that DD didn't need breastfeeding again, everyone was passing her around all day when I just wanted to hold her, and bil compared her personality to a rat.

I knew they meant well and was so thankful to see how loved DD was, but honestly I found it all so overbearing and kept disappearing to have a cry.

This time dh said he'll suggest people go out for a little walk if they are staying for a few days, and stand up for me when I take the new baby upstairs to feed her.

I get that. I’ve been there. I was in hospital for a week, I was incredibly ill. There were times when I was too drained for visits and so I said so. But I felt it was nice to compromise and allow the loving Grandparents to meet their Grandchild during the first week. It truly would have broken their hearts if I disallowed that. I struggle to believe that the majority of new Mothers can’t find a 30 minute convenient time for those deemed as close family to pop by, whether that be in hospital or at home, during the first week.

And I completely disgaree with families coming en masse and descending on the new parents, wanting to stay over etc.. That’s completely unacceptable. I am talking about a brief visit, to bring a card, have a cup of tea and get to see this beautiful new baby. I’ve stated that multiple times, that I mean close family popping in for a quick visit.

YABU it is up to each family to choose what works for them.

Some people enjoy sharing their baby with others. Some people don't, for some people it's a baby they themselves have waited years for. It's a baby they didn't think they were going to have, and even if it's not, what is wrong with the mother and father wanting to enjoy the early times with minimal fuss. It's a wonderful time but it could be a wonderful time that you never get again. Lots of visitors have already enjoyed that time with their own children. It's not unreasonable for parents to want to enjoy having a baby. On top of that some people are not having a baby so someone else can be a grandparent or uncle they are having it because they want to be parents.

But I felt it was nice to compromise and allow the loving Grandparents to meet their Grandchild during the first week. It truly would have broken their hearts if I disallowed that. I struggle to believe that the majority of new Mothers can’t find a 30 minute convenient time for those deemed as close family to pop by, whether that be in hospital or at home, during the first week.

But it isn't that they can't find a time. It is that they don't want to.

What you are actually advocating is new mums - the ones who have been most affected by pregnancy - putting themselves at the bottom of the pile. Be a martyr if you like. Leave others alone.

I dunno, I think everyone’s entitled to their own birth experience.

And I think that’s what’s been an issue, reading about mothers & in laws feeling self entitled and expected to be in delivery rooms and priority. It’s bound to get some people’s backs up in this day of age.

I had none due to the surprise circumstances of my first birth. And whilst it was upsetting, there was a moment of peace just us.

And no, I don’t want visitors. I want to learn about my baby, laze about and nap when it suits me.

Well them we’ll have to differ, because I think new mother’s that don’t WANT to find half an hour for Grandparents in the first week are awkward and on a power trip.

VillageFete

But WHY do you think that? Hundreds of posters have explained why some new mums don't want visitors. Not one has said they just wanted to be awkward.

But villagefete, the vast majority of new mothers who can have close family popping in for a quick half hour visit once or twice in the first couple of weeks are perfectly happy with that.

But the reality is that it's not actually all that common a situation for new mothers to be in.

It's like you saying "I don't understand why all these parents make such a fuss about choosing a school for their child. I just sent mine to the nearest state school" when your local school schools are all outstanding.

Or "I don't understand why more women don't breastfeed. My midwife just showed me what to do and it was so much easier than bottle feeding".

Or "I don't understand this parents who complain that their child doesn't sleep through the night/isn't toilet trained/has tantrums/ is struggling at school/ doesn't keep their room tidy etc. I do X and I've never had that problem".

You have one set of circumstances and you make choices appropriate to those circumstances. Other people are in a different situation, so they make different choices, which are appropriate to their particular situation.

It truly would have broken their hearts if I disallowed that.

So OTT.

I don't have controlling or overbearing PILs. They waited until I wanted visitors, about 2 weeks down the line. They have a great relationship with DD now 16 months old and are spending this afternoon looking after her. Not seeing her 7 days earlier for 30 minutes and a cup of fucking tea has made zero difference to their relationship with her or me. Other than the fact that I appreciate them respecting my wishes.

I wish when you'd said you were bored and had said all you had to say on the matter about 6 pages ago you'd meant it. I'm certainly bored of your pushy opinions.

I think people should do whatever works for them. I had a baby two weeks ago and have had a visitor pretty much day every day since; it's been great for me as I've been getting cabin-fevery, and wanted to see lots of people. Other people feel the exact opposite - neither one is right or wrong or better or worse.

What I do find a bit depressing about these threads, though, is that so many posters seem to assume that the baby's father can't reasonably be expected to do anything. It's always presented as either guests making cups of tea or the woman doing it - is there not a more obvious person to be making cups of tea, ie the one that lives there and so knows where things are but hasn't just given birth? Obviously not everyone has a partner, but if you have a MIL you have a partner, and so you shouldn't ever be the one making her food and drinks!

Not everyone's family is wonderful and helpful. Maybe you need to look at it from the point of view of being happy and grateful that you have family who is.

likeacrow Unfortunately people have been like dogs with a bone over my opinion and cannot help themselves to keep picking up on it and atagonising me. Also, it’s not OTT. I’m telling you it genuinely would have terribly upset my mum and MIL. It was their first Grandchild. Also, my DP would have been very upset to not have his parents meet his child that first week. He wanted that. I understood that. It worked better because it was in hospital and there were set visiting times. Although both DP and I would have no problem asking family to leave if they outstayed their welcome at home.

I’m pregnant again. Will I be a tired, hormonal, emotional mess? Yes. Will I be incredibly protective of my baby? Well yes, probably more so than first time around as it’s taken 4 years, 3 operations, multiple failed IVF cycles and a miscarriage to get here, but I will still allow my mum and inlaws to meet this baby at some point in the first week. Others feel differently, fair enough. It’s something I simply do not understand and I think it comes across as being rather controlling. I don’t know how many times I can repeat myself. I won’t change my view. It’s simply how I feel.

I appreciate and understand that new mum comes first, but don’t understand why she wouldn’t accomodate Grandparents in the first week if it’s logistically do-able and she is well enough in herself.

Bye

I appreciate and understand that new mum comes first, but don’t understand why she wouldn’t accomodate Grandparents in the first week if it’s logistically do-able and she is well enough in herself.

What is irritating people is that you are talking out of both sides of your mouth.

VillageFete People have you given you so many reasons they don't want their close families to visit immediately after birth. Can you really not understand that not everyone has the same relationship with their parents than you do? Some people may feel more overwhelmed than you do? Some grandparents are more patient than yours might be?

@VillageFete they were being OTT then if they couldn't have waited 2 weeks.

The irony of you saying other posters are like dogs with bones is breathtaking
Do you have any self awareness at all?

Not sure why you're saying bye as I'm sure we'll be enduring the displeasure of your judgemental comments on this thread again soon.

I really struggle to understand the mindset of people who think they need to see a baby when it's fresh out of the vag.

It will still be cute and new when the parents decide they are up to visitors (whether that's a few hours / days / weeks later) and the visit will be much better when the parents have had some time to become comfortable with their new role.

People are selfish, and only think of themselves and what they want.

It's not just a half an hour visit it's also the time taken to shower and dress and brush hair when you have a newborn who just wants to feed.

^^or dealing with a baby who can’t feed because the forceps dented her jaw, who is developing jaundice, whose mum is having daily injections to prevent blood clots and is developing PTSD following the birth and doesn’t know which end is up. Guilt tripping this mum is possibly one of the least caring things you can do and likely to find you kept at arms length for years to come.

What I can’t understand is the utter wanky selfishness of people who seem to think it’s ok to drop in unasked on s couple who have just had an enormous life changing experience and sit on their arses expecting endless cups of tea, trying to pass a newborn around and bring snotty noisy messy toddlers with them

I never ever visit anyone unannounced let along a new baby. With our grandson we saw him in the hospital as we were invited. We had their keys, cleaned their house and stocked up the fridge and freezer and told them we were free to help anytime but only visit wen asked.

If we can act like that over out grandson random friends and relatives should too.

Op respectfully it’s people like you who can only see your side of the situation who definatly need to restrain themselves. As you say you can’t understand others not doing what you did! Please try to.

Honestly it’s really disgusting to judge new mums for not being up for visitors in their first week. Just because YOU are ready for guests doesn’t mean every other planet is too.

So many reasons why people might not want visitors. Personally I didn't want anyone visiting when my babies were in hospital apart from dh and the dc. My youngest 2 babies were in nicu and dh and I were very limited about when we could see them. I didn't want anyone visiting until we were home and dh and I had unlimited access to our own babies. Also some people 's family are horrible, some people don't want to discuss their bowel movements with the midwife with their in-laws present. Some people want to wait until they are confident with changing a nappy and feeding before they do it in front of people.

I have sons and I hope that if I have grandchildren I will still remember how I felt after having my babies and he considerate to my dil's feelings.

I really struggle to understand the mindset of people who think they need to see a baby when it's fresh out of the vag.

@TittyGolightly

I had to do those daily injections too. Plus had a gross weeping c section wound. 🤢

Isn't childbirth just beautiful...