AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

[FatTory]

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

And plenty of new mums live in small flats or houses without a spare room and have family who live hundreds of miles away.

Most people don't want the stress. My sister hosted a tea party at her house so everyone could see baby then I could go home after it and not worry or be mithered.

Actually if anyone said 'i don't know, i'm not allowed to see him/her.' when their daughter/in-law just wanted some recovery time, I would think they were drama llamas and would think "I don't blame her".

How many fucking times do I need to say this... people are putting words in my mouth again.... I don’t meant aunties, uncles, cousins, neighours etc etc... i’ve stated MANY times that I mean close family, such as Grandparents. I don’t condone nor expect gangs of distant relatives banging on the door. I think it’s bizarre and also incredibly uncommon that new mum’s would say no to very close family popping by to see baby for half an hour at some point in the first week. Of course, if said Grandparents lived at the other side of the world then it’s completely understandable that they’d need to wait to visit, or if new mother was incredibly unwell, mentally or physically, then she would not be up to visits. But for the majority of new mums that are sore, tired etc but not on their deathbed.. I find it baffling that they wouldn’t accommodate close family for a quick visit in the first week. That’s my personal opinion that I stand by. Out of all my 7 female cousins with kids, and my very large group of girlfriends, i’ve truly never known any of them to say “I don’t want any Grandparents to visit for X amount of weeks” They may have limited visits for the first few days, but never weeks. I know everyone is different/every situation is different, but in straightforward cases I have never seen these bans and if I had I would find it rather odd.

I’ve got two exmil’s and both were overbearing and intrusive. Both saw their grandchildren straight away because despite me being the one that gave birth the children were as much the fathers as mine and they were excited to show their parents.
In fact exmil #2 was in my dining room with us when I had my home birth. She had offered to leave I said she was welcome to stay.
I’ve never actually met anyone in real life that has refused visitors in the days after the birth everyone I know has been excited to show the new arrival off.

Gigis and that is fine. If your family is a pain in the arse or, as I said previously if you or your baby are not well then nobody would expect you to have visitors.

But if your family are nice/helpful and you and your baby are doing well, then I just think it is a little short sighted to not allow your baby's family to share even a little bit in that amazing early period.

I couldn't have done it to my family without a good reason- by my own definition.

I was thoroughly traumatised by both of my births. I tried to have my dad visit on day 3 after my last birth and I just cried the whole time he was there. Cried and cried and cried. Thank goodness it was my dad and not my in laws. It would have utterly panicked them - they are both on medication for anxiety and get terribly worried. I've also had two babies with tongue tie so I've spent the days after birth frantically feeding, getting to breastfeeding clinics, having extra weigh ins... finally back to hospital to have the tongue tie snipped all the while feeding 24/7 and barely able to sit up or walk from awful secondary infections. I was off my head on painkillers, sick as a dog from huge doses of antibiotics for weeks after both births. Both babies were also premature.

Anyone who tells me I should have embraced the joy of visitors can get lost.

And then they wonder why some gps are stand offish.If everything is going to be on your terms,people will get pissed off and not bother to visit.

Then you be on moaning nobody wants to see the baby.

HushabyeMountainGoat good for you. But not every grandparent is that helpful and not every baby will settle with someone other than mum.

I had visitors too soon. I was embarrassed and tired and looking back, really quite poorly. I also remember a couple where I'd never met the wife before (friend of DH's) coming round and her holding my newborn baby for about 2 hours - I thought it was so rude but didn't have the confidence yet to say 'Give my baby back'. And my MIL wears strong perfume and every time she held the baby the baby reeked afterwards.

So lots to contend with but I think I'm glad that i did - I wouldn't ever want anyone to feel how I felt some years later when my sister had a baby and I wasn't allowed to visit. I felt so shut out and distanced from the whole thing. By the time I was given a scheduled visiting time about 5 weeks in (including a time I was asked to leave by), it all just felt like a bit of an empty routine and an inconvenience to them, as gorgeous as my niece was.

And VillageFetehow many times do people have to say that sometimes GRANDPARENTS are the fucking problem. You just aren't listening.

@FatTory YABVVVU. If people don't want visitors for 3 MONTHS that's their prerogative. Why do you think you have the right to demand people behave as YOU think they should?

VillageFete

Your changing it from the first few days or week to weeks and weeks at a time now.

I just don't think it takes that much imagination to realise why they might want to do this (even though I didn't bother myself) people have given you lots of reasons.

Fwiw I did let both sets of grandparents visit the day after, even though like i said I only wanted my mum. They are all very helpful and not pushy. But if I had detected an ounce of entitlement just because they were the grandparents when I had done all the hard work for 9 months and would be off home soon to do even more hard work on increasingly diminishing sleep I would have resisted. The amount of effort women put into growing, birthing and caring for a newborn is staggering. They've earned the right to shut themselves away for a week or two if they want in my opinion.

What problems can they bring in a 30 min visit, seriously?!! Would the child’s father not be man enough to tell them to get out of the house if they started making ridiculous demands and causing a massive issue in the allocated visiting time?! I would imagine most normal Grandparents would be thrilled to see the new baby and wouldn’t want to waste the visit by wreaking havoc. If they did, then they wouldn’t be invited back. Problem solved.

@Freshfeelings i totally understand that. I certainly did not enjoy every visit when i had my newborn. Yes, some stayed too long, some came early before i had had chance to brush my hair etc. But like you, i feel it was worth it for family relationships with me, DH and DS. The alternative potential bitterness would have been longer standing than anything i might have felt during the visits.

@VillageFete i get it. The OP was about no visits being 'the norm', assuming NO health issues and NO bad relationships. I don't think that youre suggesting people should be having visitors in any and all circumstances.

You're right gigis, so they came, they saw, they had their precious moment and then they left until you invited them back. I think in most cases this is what happens.

Hushabye Thank you. People misinterpret things on here. Of course I don’t think someone’s evil mother should be hounding them every day after giving birth, but I do think that a quick visit, at a convenient time for the mother, is acceptable within the first week, in most straightforward circumstances.

I think the issues come when relatives or friends want to come straight away within hours of giving birth and the new mum wants bit of peace! Or when several people, not just immediate family or close friend insist on crowding into their room.

FWIW i do not see this as a trend- just exahusted new mums who want a bit of shut eye or a few moment sbonding with their brand new baby

It’s not a new thing when I had my first child you stayed in hospital 2 weeks and no visitors allowed for the first 4/5 day’s even dad only got an hour each day

YABU OP. Some women might enjoy visitors straight after they give birth, good for them. Others don't and shouldn't be judged for it.

Some might have had difficult pregnancies and are physically exhausted/emotionally drained and need time.

Some might have went through fertility struggles or previous losses that others don't necessarily know about, and just want to enjoy being with their precious newborn without interruption, not having to deal with selfish visitors that just want to selfishly hold the baby all the time and refuse to give it back to the mother, even when the baby is screaming because it's hungry or it's had enough of being passed around.

Others might have had long, complicated labours and are left exhausted, in pain, may have undergone surgery and just want to be given time to recover without putting up with over excited visitors that don't give a fuck about how the mother might be feeling, because they just want to see the baby for their own satisfaction.

Others might just want their mums and partners and no-one else at first just because, and don't have to go about justifying this to the in-laws or friends or work colleagues.

Others might just want to be able to sit sprawled out half naked with their babies attached to their boobs in their own living rooms without having to either a) have everyone and their granny see them in such an undignified state or, b) have to retreat to their bedrooms when they rather wouldn't so as to get some privacy to sit half naked with the boobs and everything else out because the visitors don't take the hint.

Some don't want the unsolicited "advice" people seem to freely give out as soon as a new baby is born. Let's face it, it's tiring pretending to be polite the best of times when others go about telling you what to do, or how you are doing wrong. And since the guests run the risk of being told to F-off, they might be asked to not visit at first for their own good.

Others want to learn to breastfeed without the intrusion, oggling, embarrassment, being told to FF or that the baby is starving, or the mother being told she is selfish for not letting others feed the baby.

And then there are those introverted souls that find unsolicited company draining the best of times, and just want to be left the fuck alone for a bit without having to justify their decision.

Can we class the first week as “as soon as you’ve had the baby?” Surely by day 7, a quick visit with Grandparents is not a big issue?!!

I don't think people do these day- they want more instant access.

I only stopped a night on post-natal ward - got home to FIL ringing being very unpleasant and really upsetting as DH was out of phone contact - as he was at hospital getting us home. FIL was upset because he was at work and had shown last nights sent pictures off and wanted more not because he had any concerns - I would have found that sweet if he hadn't upset DH so much when we'd literally walked in the door and were euphoric - took the shine of it for us.

We saw all family before 7 days - none of them quick visits -and certain family still seemed to feel hard done to.

The thing I found nice about having people come that evening at the hospital was that unlike at home there were strict visiting hours. So they could only stay for an hour then we waved them off.

It was about 8 hours after I gave birth and the pain reliever the midwife gave me was still going strong. If I'd been able to sleep I might not have wanted visitors though but I was in a room with 3 other crying babies, their Mum's, partners, and a 5 year old that said everything in a high pitched whiny tone, so no chance for sleeping.

I went in to labor when my in laws were visiting for my baby shower. No idea why they were even at my baby shower. They stuck around for a week after the baby was born, with SIL, in our small two bedroom flat.

I still fucking hate them for it. And that was the thin end of the wedge. They ruined the first two weeks of my first child's life for me. Then kept returning for visits every four weeks. Totally intrusive and I resent my DH for allowing it / encouraging it.

It's up to the mother to decide because she needs to bond with her baby. So does the father. Everyone else is just a sideshow.

@villagefete What problems can they bring in a 30 min visit, seriously?!! Would the child’s father not be man enough to tell them to get out of the house if they started making ridiculous demands and causing a massive issue in the allocated visiting time?! I would imagine most normal Grandparents would be thrilled to see the new baby and wouldn’t want to waste the visit by wreaking havoc. If they did, then they wouldn’t be invited back. Problem solved.

Exactly.