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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
4cheekymonkeys · 27/07/2018 08:07

🙄

Raffles1981 · 27/07/2018 08:07

We are competent parents. We know our child’s routine and how we like to take care of him.
I don't think your mil is saying you are incompetent. She just sounds like she wants some time with her grandson. Your child will benefit having such loving grandparents in their life.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 08:07

Bibbitty. Tell me more about your sil! Does she work? When does she expect to have your baby?

I am returning to work full time. Baby has been booked into a nursery.

For PPs who say I’ll save thousands? Nothing in this world is free. Having her be childcare will allow her to feel more entitled to our time and children and she will insert herself into our parenting choices.

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 27/07/2018 08:09

You have to do what you feel most comfortable with. If you don't want to leave your baby there then don't.
Don't let her guilt trip you in to things because she has chosen to buy things.
Make sure you continue to visit but as excited as she is this is your baby not hers.

notacooldad · 27/07/2018 08:09

She has talked about bathing him for “fun” as she misses doing that for her grown kids
My MIL used to do that with the kids. Especially in hot weather to cool them down. Other times I would go round to pick the kids up and the bathroom would be filled with bubbles and they would be shrieking with laughter.
Pm and dressing gowns would go on so they would be ready for bed.

Happy times!!!

EvaHarknessRose · 27/07/2018 08:09

Yanbu and it sounds like dh agrees. My parents and pil are lovely but I didn’t think they would look after my pfb very well and the baby stuff at their houses would have given me palpitations. Just keep your boundaries and be kind too. Encourage their relationship but not the use of your baby as an accessory or toy. Maybe let her do bathtime with dh or you. Encourage dh to go out with her and the baby and report back. If she calms down and builds up to it, then review.

sweatingcobs · 27/07/2018 08:09

I would have loved for some help with my DD who is now 6mo
I am going to have to put her in nursery when I return to work, I would have much rather a family member look after her.

I think both of you are being a bit unreasonable, could you not sit down as adults and discuss boundaries and your concerns? With someone else there to mediate?

Sistersofmercy101 · 27/07/2018 08:11

Stormi
If I'm reading your post correctly what you seem to be saying is that your mil has boundary issues?
Listen to your instincts, stick rigidly to your and dh decisions - don't allow her or others to wear you down... My ex mil was one of these and I let people persuade me... 1st time i left my baby with jer (for a couple of hours MAX was agreed...she took my baby to the park - a park that was in another COUNTY - i had to wait four hours for my bf baby's return! Angry
So ignore the doubters OP and trust yourself. Your baby, your decision.

sweatingcobs · 27/07/2018 08:11

Could she not look after DC one day a week or so after a discussion?

Laiste · 27/07/2018 08:12

4 DCs here and none of the GPs ever took any of them out on their own till 6 or 7 years old IIRC.

We visit as a family, weekly or monthly depending on what's going on. DHs parents want to see him AND his DC together. Same for mine. They like to see US with our kids. There's been occasional babysitting for a couple of hours during the day time, but again, not till 4 or 5 years old IIRC.

This has never been an issue. Never any begging to do it. None of them would expect time alone with a 6 month old.

OP's MIL may be fantastic at child care, but if the begging, and the guilt tripping, and attempts to divide OP and her husband on the issue hadn't gone on then OP may not feel so possessive of her baby. Chicken and egg now.

There are ways to behave. If you want something it's best to go gently. Badgering a new mother and trying to cause trouble between a couple so you can achieve your goal - no matter how well intentioned or loving the original idea is - isn't the way to go.

HollyGibney · 27/07/2018 08:12

She sounds like an overbearing PITA. I'm not surprised you're irritated by her and don't want to leave your child with her. I was very open to my MIL looking after my first child and left him with her a few times but then she became similar to how you describe and was constantly asking and going to ex DH if I said no or we had other plans. The buying of baby equipment and assumption you'll be leaving him there regularly enough for them to need it would piss me off too.

Ignore the pile in. Nothing some MNetters like more than reading the first few posts then sprinting to join the haranguing.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 08:13

To spare her feelings dh and I have told her the nursery only had a full time spot for our child.

My mom also offered to do child care but to be fair we just decided to do full time care.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 27/07/2018 08:14

I wouldn't agree to full time childcare but I think you need to allow her to see her grandchild and unless she's actually not going to look after the baby we'll I don't see why she couldn't take the baby out to see her friends.

Rememberfluffthecat · 27/07/2018 08:15

I bathe my grandchildren for fun when I have them. They love it and so do I. Completely normal granny behaviour and what harm is it to anyone?

HollyGibney · 27/07/2018 08:15

You only bath your 6 month old every other day - yuk!

Loads of people on MN don't even bathe their children that often. There's multiple threads on MN discussing and usually arguing about how often kids are bathed.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 08:15

We see her about 4 times a month

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 08:17

She does sound very difficult actually. Setting up a crib and trying to pressure you into leaving without your baby is just not on. I think you'll probably have to explain that you plan to spend time with her as a family rather than use her for childcare. Unfortunately it seems that she was looking forward to playing. She has no right to expect this but it wasn't an unforgivable thing for her to want. Just a clash of expectations. But the truth is she can bond perfectly well with you there.

81Byerley · 27/07/2018 08:17

Well, speaking as a mother in law and a grandmother, I can understand how she feels. If it wasn't for her and her genes, your baby wouldn't be there. Remember that amazing love you have for your baby? She has that too. And you can't compare her love to how you feel about anyone else's baby. It's not like how you'd love your niece or nephew. It's just different. I was never in a position to look after my grandchildren because of distance, but I would have loved to have them for the odd day. In fact I wouldn't have wanted them full time because then it might have become a chore, and not so special. I'd tell her you want her to have a special relationship with the baby, not be a childminder to him. Can you tell me what would be so wrong about her visiting her friends with him? I really think you need to be careful about how you speak about her in front of the baby. Just because you don't have a good relationship with her doesn't mean he can't.

ClosdesMouches · 27/07/2018 08:18

Drip.

Drip.

Hmm
Snugglepiggy · 27/07/2018 08:22

Actually I think a lot of people are being very harsh to OP .MIL buying a nursery full of by equipment and assuming she will be doing childcare,pushing and pushing the issue and trying to guilt trip sounds overbearing and controlling and frankly insensitive. Yes the baby is now 6 months old,but that's still pretty young and some mums need a it more time before they will happily hand over their baby and MIL making assumptions would annoy me too.OP would probably like and trust her more if she had respected her wishes and given her some time.Then they could have reached a compromise.

Laiste · 27/07/2018 08:24

ClosdesMouches Drip. Drip. hmm

What drip? Confused

retainertrainer · 27/07/2018 08:25

Full time nursery Vs part time nursery plus quality time with grandparents who clearly adore him.

I know which I’d choose.

I know this feels a long way off you you yet but have you thought about what you’ll do when your child starts school?

6 weeks is a long time to fill!

Or when they’re poorly?

It’s so so helpful to have loving grandparents on standby, they’re worth their weight in gold and the relationship your child develops with them is priceless too.

You can have a future where your dc has a wonderful,loving connection with their gp’s or one where you’re at constant logger heads.

Ultimately it’s your child who’ll miss out. My nana was one of the most important adults in my life growing up and I’m so greatful that we were giving the chance for that relationship to flourish.

MissClareRemembers · 27/07/2018 08:27

Drippity McDrip Face

Ok, so there IS more to this. You aware perfectly entitled to arrange care for your baby as you see fit but you have, it seems, 2 sets of grandparents willing to care for your child! I’m sure you are aware that many people would give their eye teeth to have that level of interest from grandparents. I’m also fairly sure your MIL was also a new mum once and perhaps had to organise child care herself. I wonder if she had family help or if she had to pay for it in a childcare setting?

Whatever you decide please try to remember that YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO HAVE EVER HAD A BABY! Your MIL has successfully raised children of her own and you’ve married one of them. She’s excited about the new baby. Give her a chance.

3luckystars · 27/07/2018 08:29

Half a year.

diddl · 27/07/2018 08:29

She does sound overbearing & I think the problem might be if you tried to compromise, would she go ahead & do what she wanted anyway?

So for example if you said she could have him for a couple of hours-would she clear off out for the day?

" Remember that amazing love you have for your baby? She has that too."

Well presumably she had that for her own child(ren) whom she raised as she wished-as Op is doing.

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