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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 27/07/2018 07:38

Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Because they are his grandparents and that's quite a normal thing to do. They don't have to become your childcare option of choice when you go back to work, but it's absolutely ridiculous to say that they'll never be allowed to look after your son at all. Get over yourself and start putting your child and his relationships with his wider family first.

BlueTears · 27/07/2018 07:38

Sugar - very constructive Hmm

I like my MIL, even spend time on my own with her. We're very very different and I have to bare in mind that even though they do things differently, they love my kids dearly and do look after them.

Having said that, my dc was over 2 years old before I let anyone (except DH of course) take him out alone.

I would simply ignore any further requests and just say that you'll see when he's older. He'll be able to tell you what goes on then 😜 lol.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 07:40

OP, you sound an absolute horror. You don't deserve someone who sounds like a lovely MiL

The baby is six months and she is constantly asking for something she has been refused.

IS that nice to you?

Bluelady · 27/07/2018 07:40

Not liking someone isn't reason enough not to leave your child with them when they're the child's grandparents. What's wrong with a bath for fun ffs? Babies do have fun in the bath.

AppleKatie · 27/07/2018 07:40

You know she’s right don’t you? Babies do like being bathed for fun! It’s a nice activity at their age.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/07/2018 07:40

I think MILs like this who can only bond by spending alone time with grandchildren, discouraging breastfeeding as selfish and becoming over involved would be better of seeking fertility treatment and having their own newborn.

There are some very strange people these days.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:40

Cheer bear. It’s the guilt trips about the stuff she buys. “Oh but we have a stroller ready to go we wouldn’t have bought it if we weren’t going to have him” “oh you can just wait to feed baby when you get here” “oh I thought he could just spend the night since I’ve already set up his crib. I’ll bring him home in the morning ”

We are competent parents. We know our child’s routine and how we like to take care of him.

Buying stuff is fine. Guilting us when we don’t use it is not.

OP posts:
LML83 · 27/07/2018 07:40

Let's hope you don't want your adult children to visit you.

Wanting to see you isn't unusual and your dh prob wants to see them too.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 07:41

What does MIL actually do that makes you not want her around your baby? I know you don't like her but what things does she do to make you dislike her so much because from what you've written I can't see it.

It looks like you just want to shut her out but you need valid reasons to do that OP.

You sound jealous of SIL too.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 07:41

After divorce things changed instantly. Son seldom sees his grandparents unless it suits his mother's needs such as night out with friends or holiday abroad.

Um are you talking about your own children? WHy can't you take them to see their grandparents?

PuntCuffin · 27/07/2018 07:42

I’m sorry but that is weird. He gets a bath every other night at home. He doesn’t need one for fun.

Actually, it is fun for the baby. Loads of them love splashing around in water. Great way to entertain them for a while. And completely harmless.

Your MIL sounds lovely. You, not so much.
Unless there is about to be a mahoosive drip feed.

Merryoldgoat · 27/07/2018 07:42

Nothing you have said here makes her sound unpleasant - if anything you sound oddly possessive.

My PIL had my son a day a week from 6 months and they all loved it. He’s 5 now and on holiday with them. They’re extremely close, kiss him, take him to their friends, bathe him - all things in actually very grateful for.

I’m waiting for the massive drip feed.

My PIL provided childcare when I went back to work after a year and it was phenomenal. Saved us thousands and we are all closer and happier for it.

I’m sure lots of in-laws are awful but I often think there’s a real resistance to get on with them on MN for some reason.

Aria2015 · 27/07/2018 07:42

Lots of inlaws are overbearing, you just have to look at half the thread on MN! My inlaws are and they are big guilt troopers but A lot of what they do comes from love so I've started to try and look at their intentions and not their actions. Plus they adore their grandchild and in my mind a child needs as many people who love them as possible in their lives. Aside from interfering what are they like? Are they reliable? Are they kind? Are they sensible people? If yes, I don't see why they couldn't (at some point) spend alone time with their own grandchild. If your child would be happy, safe and loved then surely that would be nice for your lo? Not saying full time childcare, but the odd bit of babysitting? Don't forget they raised the man you married, what kind of childhood did he have? If it was a happy one then your argument is pretty weak. Also aside from kissing on the lips (which I don't mind but I know some do), bathing a child and showing them off to friends seem quite harmless (and normal!) imo.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 07:42

Not liking someone isn't reason enough not to leave your child with them when they're the child's grandparents

It literally is enough reason otherwise grandparents would have legal rights

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 07:44

Nothing you have said here makes her sound unpleasant - if anything you sound oddly possessive

Shock

Fuck me, a new mother is possessive of her six month old.

Please, someone call social services.

If the OP's mil had left it after being knocked back the first thousand times, and stopeed guilt tripping her husband in to things I suspect the OP would probably feel different later on, down the line when it's actually appropriate.

Chrisinthemorning · 27/07/2018 07:45

Your baby is only 6 months so you may not know this yet, but baths for fun are a great way to entertain a toddler. Toys, bubbles, songs- DS was happy for ages.
I have one DS and when dealing with my MIL I always think “do as you would be done to”. One day I will be the MIL and I hope DS and his wife are kind and involve me, as I have involved my MIL. It’s natural that I involve my own parents more, but I want DS to have a relationship with both Grandmas.

TheShapeOfEwe · 27/07/2018 07:45

I’m sorry but that is weird. He gets a bath every other night at home. He doesn’t need one for fun.

Don't really understand this. Lots of babies love baths, especially as they get a bit older. How many mums are giving their babies baths in this weather to cool them down and let them have fun.

It just sounds like you hate your MIL and everything she does annoys you and makes you envious because of your hatred. But that makes things very difficult for you because she's going to be in your life whether you like her or not, and all this negative feeling is only going to make you u happy (as well as your DH and DS).

There may also come a time when she needs to provide childcare in an emergency - if so your son will be much happier about t if he's been allowed to develop a normal, close relationship with his grandparents.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 27/07/2018 07:45

Not liking someone isn't reason enough not to leave your child with them when they're the child's grandparents

My ex would never accept logic in return for all the money in the World.

Slimmingsnake · 27/07/2018 07:46

Your being really unfair op...she is his grandma,she loves him.ofcourse she wants to show him off to her friends ,she's proud of him..he's not a possession of yours .he is a child's that is part of her family..why are you so sure she won't listen to u...give her chance.......I'm a mum of 3 boys these posts make me worry for when I have grandchildren,why are mils hated so much.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/07/2018 07:46

" I don’t plan on being an overbearing guilt tripper. Nor am I entitled to anything related to any future grandkids. I will ask permission to do things and not force my adult kids into anything."

You keep telling yourself that, OP.

Your little boy will learn from his parents and one of the things he'll learn is that when he has a child, he and his partner should cut his mother out as much as possible!

Bezm · 27/07/2018 07:46

What's wrong with wanting to bath the baby? As a mum of 2 babies that was something I loved the absolute most! As did they. They would spend hours in the bath, playing with toys, blowing bubbles, splashing everywhere. It's the BEST thing! Your MIL sounds like she has it sorted, you however sound like a miserable cow. You're married to her son. He must be ok as a direct result of how he was raised. And now, ironically, you want to prevent the same people who raised him to have nothing to do with your child. You're very controlling dear! Be very careful, one day your DH may well see you for what you are and run far, far away taking his chi,d with him... probably to live with your MIL. Now that would be karma!

Chattycat78 · 27/07/2018 07:46

Sorry but I agree with what has been said above. It’s quite normal for her to want some alone time with her own grandchild. As for the childcare, full time would be a lot yes, but maybe you could compromise. Nursery costs are crippling.

You should think yourself lucky you have people who want to help you. Many people do not.

ivykaty44 · 27/07/2018 07:47

Please step back and think about how you would like it if you daughter or son in law prevented you from doing a bit of babysitting, and your own child wouldn’t see anything odd about this as it’s what they grew up with.

Being pushed out of a new grandchild’s life, possibly your own off springs life because they didn’t like you.

Do you seriously think they are going to harm your child?

Chattycat78 · 27/07/2018 07:47

Ps I have two little boys (no girls) and this post terrifies me in case my daughter in law feels about me as you do about yours in the future...!

Beeperbird · 27/07/2018 07:48

Personally I wouldn’t have wanted my DS to spend the night away from me at 6months as I was still BFing and can understand resentment if you feel you’re both being guilt tripped into it.
As both you and DH don’t want her to provide this childcare you perhaps need a face to face conversation with her and say a firm “thankyou but no”. Do you think it would help her to back off if you offered a compromise such as she picked up from childcare 1 day a week for you?

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