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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
Laiste · 27/07/2018 08:30

MIL sounds fucking annoying, and OP has now dug her heels in.

However i don't think either of them are ''evil'' or some of the other knee jerk reactions you get on here.

The relationship between the OP and MIL has become damaged. Who damaged it most is open for debate, and while that is the most fun bit to debate on a forum like this - with calling names and hand wringing about what will happen when we're MILs ect - it's not helpful. How to heal the situation at this stage is harder to advise.

ohdeardeardear · 27/07/2018 08:30

Jesus, I feel sorry for your MIL! You sound very high maintenance. I kept my MIL at arms length for a while as I found her so overwhelming, it was just my hormones and when I got through it I saw that she was trying to help and she absolutely worships the ground my DS walks on.

Lighten up.

RhythmStix · 27/07/2018 08:31

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Esspee · 27/07/2018 08:31

She sounds awful......no sorry I meant YOU sound awful OP!

Dandeliontea123 · 27/07/2018 08:32

She does sound overbearing.

A MIL buying a few items for the baby in order to make things easier when you visit is ‘lovely’ but it is really not the same thing as your MIL deciding to furnish a nursery on the unspoken assumption that she is entitled to be with your baby full time.

If you set some boundaries now this should result in much better relationships in the future.

Laiste · 27/07/2018 08:34

We're all guilty of doing the ''i'd have loved/hated more GP involvement and that's how you should feel too OP'' thing. I've done it myself. (Personally i'd chose full time nursery too.)

What we'd all do or would have wanted means nothing. We don't know OP or the MIL.

GreenTulips · 27/07/2018 08:34

I think if your gut instinct is to say no, and you have been and she keeps pushing then I think you're right to keep saying no!

How many woman are pushed into being people pleasers?

Just because you are related doesn't mean you have to bow down to their demands however reasonable they may sound.

OPs child isn't dolly to be played with and shown off - OP doesn't want her to have it and that's the end of it

Inertia · 27/07/2018 08:35

I think you’ve had a bit of a hard time here. Babies are not toys, to be sent over and played with at the whim of the grandparents. Your child isn’t a real life dolly for granny to play mummies and babies with.

Yes, I get that she wants to see her grandchild, and care for him, and I’m sure she adores and treasures him. But this isn’t about what’s best for grandmothers, it’s about what’s best for the baby. And if this is a person who constantly pushes boundaries, who overrides medical advice and wants to bath the baby daily even though it exacerbates his skin problems just because she wants to be splashy grandma, then I can see why OP is wary.

And I don’t get the insistence on seeing the baby alone. They visit frequently with the baby - just as grandparents are part of the family, so are the parents.

Professional childcare is often simplest if you can afford it anyway- no last minute letdowns, or rejigging around GP’s holidays and commitments.

blueskypink · 27/07/2018 08:36

*To spare her feelings dh and I have told her the nursery only had a full time spot for our child.

My mom also offered to do child care but to be fair we just decided to do full time care.*

So you plan to put your child into full time nursery when you have 2 gps willing to step in. Crazy.

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 08:38

It's interesting how many posters are now trying to bully the OP even though she clearly isn't being unreasonable to want to take her baby home with her and is under no obligation to leave her child in someone else's creepy nursery.

I wouldn't take advice from anyone who simply wants to insult you, OP. You didn't explain very well at the start and that brought out the vipers who now don't want to change tack.

MissClareRemembers · 27/07/2018 08:40

OP when a friend or family member has a new baby, do you buy them a present? Browsing through baby stuff gives me the warm and fuzzies, it’s a glorious feeling. I feel like that even if I’m buying for someone I don’t even know particularly well. I imagine that feeling is considerably stronger when it involves you very own grandchild. Possibly to the point of slight obsession.

Your MIL does sound very involved in her own DC’s lives so (in her own mind at least) she sees herself as being very involved in the new baby’s live. After all, she has raised her own children so knows what she is doing.

I’m just trying to see this from her POV.

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 08:40

Also, there is nothing wrong with choosing professional childcare. As your baby grows, being somewhere structured with other children and plenty of peer socialising is probably better.

Gazelda · 27/07/2018 08:40

It's entirely your and your DH's choice over childcare arrangements. But I'd beware of getting too set on this, try to remain flexible and to see that she's only behaving the way she does out of love.

Yes, you may find her overbearing, but your DS might find her great fun, he might thrive in her attention and may love being Nana's Prince. That's not to say you don't love him even more, but it'd be a shame to deprive him of the love of grandparents.

Try a little compromise. Drop him to hers for an hour while you get a haircut. Ask her advice over weaning. Let her feel welcome and wanted in your family unit.

LadyPeacock · 27/07/2018 08:41

Poor baby going into nursery full time when he has two sets of grandparents who would love to have him. Sad

Nursery is fine if you have no other choice, but I don't think there is any research at all that suggests it is better for small babies than the loving care of a relative if that is available.

You are doing your baby a disservice.

CherryPavlova · 27/07/2018 08:41

Compromise, for goodness sake. Start being kinder to your child’s grandmother. I find it odd that anyone would prefer full time care in an institutional setting by strangers who tend to be poorly educated to an adoring grandparent.
Could you not allow grannies one day a week? Save money, build relationships rather than destroy them and be so much better for the baby.
She’s overbearing and pushy because you’re pushing her away. You don’t come across as particularly pleasant or kind.

Ruby09 · 27/07/2018 08:41

If you don’t want her help with childcare that’s fine it’s your decision however it’s pretty cruel to not give grandparents some one on one time with their grandchild. My grandparents are so precious to me I can’t imagine not having a good relationship with them, my relationship is so good because I spent lots of quality time with them. You have no good reason other than you’ve decided not to like her Confused. Let’s hope that if you one day become a grandparent that your able to form a relationship with your grandchildren and aren’t pushed out simply because you aren’t liked!

GreenTulips · 27/07/2018 08:42

After all, she has raised her own children so knows what she is doing

Well clearly she doesn't other wise she'd take note of the medical advise - she'd also realize that No is an answer.

StringandGlitter · 27/07/2018 08:42

Op you’re getting a bashing, but I get your anxiety at having an overbearing MIL.

So long as your DH is onside then you’re ok. If you’re seeing her weekly it’s not as if you’ve gone no contact! You have childcare sorted and regular grand parent visits. All sorted!

Bubbles120 · 27/07/2018 08:43

Op i get it, i have a mil the same. Used to constantly go behind my back. Arranged a secret sleepover for my 6 week old to give me a break after we had a discussion prior to ds being born that i wasn't comfortable leaving him till he was at least 6 months old.

She tried to break in to the maternity ward whilst i was giving birth after repeatedly being told i only wanted myself and my dh.

She constantly tried to undermine me and tell me i was doing everything wrong with my ds. Luckily my dh doesn't take it from her.

Stand your ground with her. She needs to gain your trust first.

Ifeelshit · 27/07/2018 08:43

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/07/2018 08:44

I'm totally with the OP. No one should pressure a mother to leave her baby overnight when the mother had made it clear that she doesn't want to. And buying a full nursery is just one more way to pressure the OP into handing her child over.
I also think thay cornering OP's husband in order to get their joint decisions overturned in sneaky and underhand. If she was my mil I wouldn't like or trust her either.

Family childcare is rarely free. Where the relative has no awareness of boundaries, it will lead to a situation where mil thinks she has the right to make parental decisions.

Laiste · 27/07/2018 08:44

Cruel not to give one on one time with GPs? At 6 months old?

Cruel?

MissClareRemembers · 27/07/2018 08:44

GreenTulips in her mind, the MIL knows what’s doing. Hence the insistence.

skippy67 · 27/07/2018 08:44

The OP hasn't mentioned anxiety. She just doesn't like her MIL. At all.

timeisnotaline · 27/07/2018 08:45

It’s not cruel not to give grandparents one on one time with a baby under 1, and certainly not a full day or a regular arrangement!