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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:48

LML83. We do visit them. Maybe 4 times a month? Is that not enough?

Mil used to corner dh to get him to change his mind on plans we made together.

She has rearranged my kitchen.

She has spoken to dh privately about concerns she had about my child

She kisses my husband on the lips. So gross.

She tries to grab the baby any chance she gets.

I don’t want to list more as it becomes too specific and identifying.

OP posts:
IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 07:48

OP, I'd ignore the people calling you a cow for wanting to be "possessive" of your own baby.

The first year is really difficult. It's normal to not really want to 'share' especially if you don't like the person. Tell your MIL that the nagging is upsetting you and that it makes you feel she won't listen to your wishes if she babysits. Tell her you can talk about it in a year and see how you feel then about letting dd go with her alone.

You may well feel different in a couple years time. It's true that we are all a bit PFB about the first one.

I have three now and I would basically throw them at passerby for a second's peace Grin

Slimmingsnake · 27/07/2018 07:49

I've raised 4 with no help ,send her my way ..she would be incredibly welcome.ive no family

Zaccat1 · 27/07/2018 07:49

Firstly I probably wouldn’t allow my baby to be taken out for the full day at this stage but how about inviting her out with you and the baby for a morning or afternoon.

Secondly I would seriously consider her offer of childcare at least in part. No one will love/look after your child like a family member. It will allow your child to develop a relationship with their grandparents. Also if you go on to have further children it will reduce your childcare costs considerably.

It’s up to you. Good luck.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/07/2018 07:50

And this children, is why I hope I never have sons.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 27/07/2018 07:50

You only bath your 6 month old every other day - yuk!

RhubarbandGin · 27/07/2018 07:50

You sound delightful! Seriously you need to get over yourself.

Chattycat78 · 27/07/2018 07:52

I wouldn’t Have let MIL take my child overnight at six months so yes I agree with that. However, not allowing a few hours of alone time with them is something else.

PlatypusPie · 27/07/2018 07:52

I can understand the not wanting her t do FT child care but the ‘only for limited viewing with yourself and DH standing guard ‘ sound s a bit OTT , if there is no further backstory. I note that your own DM is your back up childcare - is she trusted to have him, play with him etc atm ?

Fluffyrainbows · 27/07/2018 07:53

I'm not sure I believe this thread. Unless you are very young. I had my first very young and my mother in law was very overbearing and it did push me away. As a new mum I felt very threatened by her obsession with my baby, and it was really unsettling. But we worked through it and found what worked for us because she is my husband's mum and deserved that respect and relationship. I too would not have been comfortable with her having him under 1 and playing babies, and you don't have to let her by any means, but you should try to find a positive way forward.

Slimmingsnake · 27/07/2018 07:53

Why have you started this thread? Because your mind is made up isn't it? You don't intend to give an inch do you? So you just fancied a mil bashing thread ....like others have said.she raised your husband to be a good man..or you wouldn't of married him...

adreamofspring · 27/07/2018 07:53

YANBU for not wanting your MIL to provide childcare when you go back to work. Very often in MN people get flamed for accepting ‘free childcare’ and then not relenting to MIL’s wishes (demands) on other issues.

Like other posters I did wonder whether you need to work on why you're so down on your MIL but from your subsequent posts she does sound overbearing.

You and DH can be firm but kind and say that you are simply not ready to leave your DC alone with GParents yet. That's fine - no truly caring Gmother should question that. When they are so little (especially with the first one) I never wanted to leave them alone either. And from another thread on here about a Mum who wants to dump her baby on friends, several others feel the same.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 07:54

None of those things warrant the amount of contempt you have for her OP.

NotAnotherHeffalump · 27/07/2018 07:54

OP your son IS her child, and your baby IS her grandchild. If you loathe this women having a relationship with the people you care about, why make a lifelong commitment to being part of her family?

I don't see the issue. You're being ridiculous. I feel so, so sorry for your MIL. I've often given my DCs a bath for fun when they're only young. What else would you have her do - take the baby out for cocktails? See the latest movie?

Your MIL wants to save you a fortune in childcare costs (basically the cost of another mortgage/rent) and get to know her grandchild...She's excited and has bought a buggy and a high chair etc...She's proud of her grandchild and wants her friends to she them...That's the issue?

I can't help but feel that if your MIL hadn't bought all that stuff you'd be on here saying "My MIL wants to look after her grandchild, but she doesn't even have a buggy or a cot...!"

OP you are the the issue, not your MIL. I feel incredibly sorry for the poor women and hope that my son's have more sense than to marry someone this neurotic.

timeisnotaline · 27/07/2018 07:55

Constant pressure for gp alone time would have my blood pressure rising at that age. The occasional few hours perhaps but it is perfectly ok to not want to leave a baby that age for longer - I know others do and that’s their call but I wouldn’t do a full day away and I would be pissed off if they wouldn’t leave it. I assume this is colouring the ops opinion because there is nothing wrong with bathing a baby!!

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:55

Pleasuredome. Doctors orders due to sensitive skin. She knows that too but her wants seem to trump his needs?

I have invited her over maybe 4 times on my mat leave? She’s insulted me once during a visit and brought up comments made by sil to her about me the other visit. So I don’t really feel comfortable with one on one time with her. She is better behaved with dh present.

OP posts:
Feb2018mumma · 27/07/2018 07:56

Everyone saying OP is horrible... This woman has bought a whole nursery without asking as she assumed she would have child? I know she isn't vocalising it well, but if the post was... 'aibu mil has bought a whole nursery for my 6 month old as though she will be their full time carer even though we've said no multiple times, she insists on kissing my husband on the lips even though I am uncomfortable with it and guilts us into seeing her 4 times a month aka once a week'. I think it's written quite badly but that mil is over stepping a bit? I hate when anyone kisses my baby on lips because of health concerns and all the babies that have died from it? And I remember my mil walking off with my baby at a few weeks old as her neighbour STILL hadn't seen the baby... None of my friends had but goodness me, how her neighbour hadn't seen my child is shocking!

NameChangingParanoid · 27/07/2018 07:56

Oh my God OP, I could have written this exact post.

I for one don’t think YABU - stick to your guns & trust your instincts.

6 years in & it didn’t end well - thankfully am separated from my ex so don’t have to deal with ex-MIL shit anymore but I totally get where you’re coming from.

AhNowTed · 27/07/2018 07:57

She kisses her own son on the lips and you think that's 'gross'.

Honestly OP what is your problem.

You're coming across as possessive

skippy67 · 27/07/2018 07:57

You really have a thing about kissing on the lips, don't you OP??

BobblyBits · 27/07/2018 07:57

None of what you have said is identifying and none would bother me! I’d be grateful! Why can’t you reach some happy medium? Let her do a couple of days?! Think of the Childcare saving and also think your husband was brought up by her!

She sounds like a great MiL to me!

blueskypink · 27/07/2018 07:58

even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves.

How dare she?! Hmm

longwayoff · 27/07/2018 07:58

Oh OP you sound actively horrible. If you think you're being perfectly reasonable then read through these posts a few times. Your poor family, ohI you've got your own mother on hand when you need her, how extremely useful. You will regret being so pig headed.

NotAnotherHeffalump · 27/07/2018 08:00

OP out of interest, are you returning to work F/T? Who is providing your childcare?

BabbittyRabbittyCacklingStump · 27/07/2018 08:04

I think we have the same MIL OP! Especially the SIL. Mine is constantly hassling me to have my baby even though I'm not returning to the work. Despite me actually saying no (in the nicest way possible) she is still trying to force it.