Mil keeps asking and asking

[Stormi12]

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

I'm not saying that the OP should bow to pressure at all. I'm just thinking that she's such a feisty person that I'm surprised she was even looking for validation from strangers on Mumsnet.

Good for you, OP, for sticking to your guns! I hope you get the support you need IRL from your DH.

@Belleende - Your point about buying baby gifts... I haven't read it like that. It sounds more like she's decided on her own to set up a nursery for someone else's baby. The baby doesn't live with her. Baby's parents told her not to buy things as they would bring what they need. Then, having bought all that stuff anyway, she tries to get them to leave the baby there spontaneously and go home without him! To me, this sounds incredibly pushy and inappropriate. I don't know why she would want to create this sort of situation. I think it would make many of us feel very uncomfortable.

@Belleende - I didn't say go NC but you have to admit that, unless it's been agreed beforehand, rearranging someone else's kitchen is inappropriate and smacks of boundary issues.

Mipmipmip

There was a poster on here a few months ago going through hell. She was being undermined by her MIL after giving birth, the MIL kept taking over and prevented her from doing anything. In the end the police had to be involved along with social services as the husband sided with his mother and wouldn't let the poor poster see her new baby.

Completely different scenario. In that thread the MIL had actually moved in with the son and DIL and the DIL was very vulnerable. In this case the OP sounds like she is capable of standing up for herself and I cannot imagine she would have MIL move in.

We often reach wrong conclusions about people that “appear” assertive and able to fight their corner.

Sometimes the strength within them is just surviving.. and they are strong enough to resist drowning because they can see ahead and aren’t the type that wait for a massive problem to happen before they take action.

In my situation... I was very vulnerable. Weak. Submissive. Sure I got sympathy , but no one was willing to stick up for me. It felt extremely lonely. I needed support but everyone around me didn’t have much to do but listen to me vent.. they worried for my “sanity” yet through my anxiety and depression all they could do was refer me to Councelling. I was helpless.

One day, I had a baby and I decided that nothing else mattered and that even though I don’t know a diplomatic way but I do not want to risk postnatal depression and I do not want to be vulnerable for the sake of my baby.

I decided to trust my gut. And regardless of whether I have the details and understandings correct or not or whether something major happened yet to prove me right to the rest of the world or is about to happen, I’m not going to wait. I’m going to make the decision that makes me feel confident that my baby is going to be safe.

And now I lost all support around me. Because no one likes a girl that based her decisions around what she is comfortable with. No one likes a girl that trusts her gut...

No one but few, understand , that being responsible for a child also means that part of your role is to make the decisions around which your care is based..

If mum is the main involved parent, then I’m afraid she gets the final say. In fact , even if she wasn’t the only involved parent... at a time where her child feeds from her and totally dependant on her ( up to 2 years of age), she gets to decide on his behalf. Oh yes she does.

Op, be proud of yourself for listening to your gut.

Perhaps, I would’ve phrased my Op doffeeently to you :

“ my mil keeps asking to look after my baby. I’m not fond of her as a person. I don’t feel comfortable and my gut feeling tells me it’s not a good idea based on few encounters in the past where I felt she has a tendency to undermine me as a parent. I don’t feel like she is the type that would bother trying to earn my trust as the mother of this baby. I visit her once a week. I don’t want to keep her away from her grandchild but I’m not ready to let them have unsupervised Time together. What do you advise?”

Your only fault is that you also decided to vent during your post and sound negative towards your mil. SHOCKER! It’s like people have never seen others vent on here...

You vented yet didn’t sound like a doormat.u weren’t asking for sympathy so I’m proud of you, and if you were, people would’ve complained that you are...

You wanted... to... ask a question while airing out frustrations..

Yes because we are women, we aren’t allowed. We have to dissect our speech so that we stay angelic with our emotional expressions while we try to speak. We need to stay graceful. We need to love and forgive everyone ... because we are girls .

Bizarre . What a sexist world

So you didn’t do yourself a favour by trying to find reasons to justify why you want to say no.

I hope this thread is an encouragement to you in the future in that you don’t have to justify yourself as a mother. No is a full sentence.

Don’t try to rationalize your gut feeling. You might not be able to pinpoint exactly what it is that makes u uncomfortable. You might start over analyzing. You might start digging.

People will seee you as someone who seeks to find problems .

To me, you seem like someone who is seeking to rationalize your gut feeling.

But guess what. Your gut feeling doesn’t need rationalizing.

It is enough... that you feel uncomfortable to hand her your child.

Your gut feelings are enough

Right now your feelings trump everything..

The baby feels your positivity.. ur strength ..

And you... have been through so much to give birth to the baby and look after the baby.. you deserve to rest.. emotionally and physically...

You deserve to put yourself first for now

It’s not selfish... it’s self-caring...

Wow humanity you write beautifully and clearly from the heart. I do disagree with alot of what you say though. I think we have very different parenting philosophies.

Yes, we are mothers, and being a mother is incredibly important. But we are also daughters, and sister and aunts and friends and daughter in law's. My view is that a hugely important part of being a mother is helping our children feel part of something bigger and that means helping them form relationships with people other than ourselves.

I also think that just because the mother may be a food source does not mean she gets to call all the shots for the first two years. For me facilitating a healthy and strong bond between our children and their fathers is vital and that means trusting them to make decisions regarding their care on an equal footing as early as possible.

You say the OPs gut feelings are enough. But what if she is actually being quite unfair? She had enough doubt herself to have asked the question. What if her general dislike for her MIL is really clouding her judgement? What is at risk? Quite alot. The relationship with her husband may suffer, potentially even to the point of breaking. Kids are babies for such a small portion of their lives, very quickly they develop likes, dislikes and opinions of their own, and they may be different to those of the mother.

As I said earlier, the opinion on whether the OP is BU is split, so I suppose the answer to her question she is possibly being unreasonable but it is hard to say without being there. If she is being UR, or even if others in her life perceive her as being the UR, uncompromising, unkind DIL, there is alot potentially at stake.

I suppose the answer to her question she is possibly being unreasonable but it is hard to say without being there Yet you’ve said it bellende over and over again. 🙄

There is plenty of time to build relationships with other family members. They don't need alone time with a baby to do this.

heart I think it's because she has been attacked so much so it's hard to discuss when your under fire.. She's on defensive

belle

Why do you think there is a danger of the OP's marriage falling apart or her child missing out on a relationship with their grandparent? How can you possibly justify such alarmist language when this pair get together every week? I know the OP is frustratingly reasonable facilitating this weekly visit yet still calling out her MIL on issues but this is actually a scenario you should be welcoming. Unlike many others, she isn't cutting contact.

Completely different scenario. In that thread the MIL had actually moved in with the son and DIL and the DIL was very vulnerable. In this case the OP sounds like she is capable of standing up for herself and I cannot imagine she would have MIL move in.

I don’t think she does sound capable if standing up for herself.
She’s doing it here because she’s protected by screen buffer.

If she was she would have been able to challenge her.

I think it’s very sad that someone with an issue of this nature has been insulted so much

There is plenty of time to build relationships with other family members. They don't need alone time with a baby to do this

I have loads of grandchildren and Im very hands on with them on a daily basis and its the bit about the MIL needing alone time with the baby that's really making me think.

Personally no amount of my 'alone' time with my lot as babies albeit minding the baby whilst mum had a shower, or nipped to the shops etc, would have ever beaten seeing my children as parents interacting with their baby. Its makes your heart swell. Its just beautiful and thats what I remember.

I understand OP. She married her husband, not his mother, and she wants to make a family with him, not his mother.
If OP accepts free childcare, she's also going to feel beholden. My DH and I must have spent £27,000 (conservative estimate) on childcare over the 5 years that my DC needed it (no family nearby), but that bought us freedom from any expectation family might have had to influence our DC. For many of you, the influence of grandparents might not be a bad thing - for us it would have been toxic. I remember a slanging match when FIL insisted we had wasted money on an oboe for our DS - he insisted that we couldn't manage our finances and were throwing money down the drain. It was horrible. Fast forward 5 years and DS had passed his grade 6 by the time he was 12. FIL has conveniently forgotten his rage and now gloats about his musical GS.
I do feel sorry for the MIL. But the offer of free childcare is so massively overwhelming that I can't help thinking she wants another go at parenting herself... it's such a huge thing to offer. Is there a FIL? If so, what does he think about his wife making such an offer?

I think your being absolutely ridiculous OP. Your MiL wants to spend time with your child and your refusing her? Shame on you. I'd understand if she was a druggie or alcoholic but just because you don't like her being your sorry excuse of not wanting this. I think you need to wobble your head love.

This woman gave birth to your partner, loved and nurtured him. Has he turned out wrong? No? You need to get a grip on reality.

Let this lady bond with her grandchild

Rtft - she does let mil bond by visitong once a week. She is just not indulging mil's desire to take over.

IAmMumWho this woman spends more time with her grandchild than every other grandmother I know.

Read the thread.

@ElevenTwelths

I did thanks!

@ElevenTwelths

And I still stand by what I said.

Rtft - she does let mil bond by visiting once a week. She is just not indulging mil's desire to take over.

^^ Hear Hear.

To anyone who is trying to belittle the OP on here, you might have failed to see what her issue is. Have you thought that when acceptable boundaries were observed it might actually promote an improved relationship?

Stop projecting and listen to the OP.

She is obviously difficult and prone to pushing boundaries, so I can understand the need for the op to manage this. But as a pp said, most of these are annoying traits, not evil, and whist the op will need to set strong boundaries, she does need to give some slack.

If I do give in once, she will come to expect it and will be unrelenting in her guilt trips to my husband. Setting the tone early has curbed many of the issues i was anticipating before I even delivered.

So you've anticipated problems and not given any slack. It's a blanket my way or the highway. You are right to set the boundaries but you need to let her do things then pull her up each and every time she goes too far. Give her the opportunities then and then you take him away from her every time she kisses him on the lips, or whatever "I've said no, I don't like it. Please respect my feelings on this or you won't be able to hold him" or "i've asked you not to do that. Please stop or I'll be forced to ..." Everytime you give her an inch them pull her up when she tries to take a mile, but you seem to be refusing to give her that inch in the first place because you don't seem able, or are unwilling to confront her when she crosses the boundary. For you it seems all or nothing.

What you need to do is look at how you can manage her behaviour, whilst meeting her half way. You need to work on your assertiveness so that you can let go a bit but still maintain control when you have to. You also need to get your dp on board with this strategy so that you can both stand firm when she tries the tears etc. Hopefully he will want to be part of an operation to loosen the leash a little, in exchange for backing you up when he needs to. You'll both have to expect some tears in this process.

The poor woman can't do right from wrong at the moment and you need to separate the annoying but harmless things from your absolute "no" line drawn things.

You are right to set boundaries, you've just gone too far with them and need to meet in the middle. Compromise, and reign in some of the hatred so that your ds and his GM can forge a lovely relationship. Absolutely don't contemplate using her for childcare but what's wrong with letting her nip to see her friends with him in the pram for half an hour. Warn her that if she oversteps the boundaries she won't be allowed to do it again. Let her bath him on one of the days he's allowed a bath. Ok, so you like doing it but she's his GM. Let her have an occasional turn. You might find she's pathetically grateful.
She might not then go running to your dh if you say no to things, when she knows that you are reasonable and sometimes say yes to things. At the moment she's just acting out of desperation.

To sum up this massive post. I have sympathy with you both. You both feel hard done by and seem determined to get your own way and somehow you need to meet in the middle for the sake of family harmony. Dh and ds are stuck in the middle of this and there will only be losers unless you both learn to compromise and communicate effectively.

Partees it's a certain kind of character who over steps boundaries in the first place. They usually don't take kindly to being told, asked strongly hinted at a single thing. In fact in my experience it's usually them who have a my way or the highway..