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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
LouMumsnet · 28/07/2018 20:16

Evening everyone and thanks for all the reports about this one.

You'll have noticed we've removed a fair few personal attacks, after they were reported to us. Unfortunately, thread is looking a little bit like Swiss cheese and we'd hate to have to zap any more posts for breaking Talk Guidelines.

If the conversation continues in the same vein, we may well make the decision to zap the whole thread, which would be a shame.

We'd like to remind you that Mumsnet is here to make parents' lives easier. We encourage healthy and robust discussion, of course, but hope that folk can express their views calmly and rationally, without resorting to personal attacks.

Peace and Love.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/07/2018 20:16

I don't get this trend of letting grandparents take babies away from their mothers for sleepovers and to show off to friends. Has it always been a thing? I love and trust all my babies grandparents but wouldn't agree to this until she is older.

N2986 · 28/07/2018 20:24

Op yanbu. My mil hates me (she makes this quite clear to anyone who will listen) and they are invited to come see DC's every week (they don't always come tho). My mum, however, sees the kids multiple times a week, because she comes to see me. If the kids weren't here would she still come? Of course she would.

She was very hands on when they were babies but did none of this needing "alone time" rubbish. In fact she tells me frequently she doesn't do sleepovers until they're at an age whereby they reliably sleep through the night (way past the baby years for my DC sadly)

No one has a right to have your baby apart from you and dh.

llangennith · 28/07/2018 20:39

OP just remember, what goes around comes around.

HairyToity · 28/07/2018 20:48

Mrs Aidan Turner - my mum bad mouthing my nan was a daily occurrence and an obsession of hers. Every conversation was dissected. I was not allowed to speak to my nan without my mum around. I thought my mum should have let it go. My other cousins with more laid back mums all had good relationships. I never had a chance. My nan was young. Only 19 when she had my Dad. My maternal grandmother was much older and straight laced. My nan was always the fun playful one. I saw it as annoying as a child that I was not allowed a relationship, and still do.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/07/2018 21:04

I was told something as a child - there's one persons side, another persons side and then the truth somewhere in the middle.

We all see things differently and OP will see it differently to her MIL. That happens but surely there is a way past it.

OP I was with you all the way until some of your later posts and you do sound really controlling. It is also upto your partner what he wants to do with your child and he is allowed to take his baby to see his Mum without you.

It is coming across that it's all about what you want and not your partner too whether you mean to or not. I know you've said he agrees with you but that doesn't mean that he doesn't want to go and see his Mum with his baby alone.

I understand that this has probably built up over a while and yes she's said things that she shouldn't have and she should have not said that and apologised.

I really think that it would do the pair of you some good to sit down and talk it through. I know that you say she'd start crying but I honestly believe it needs to be said and at least then you could say that you've tried. If she does cry, stop, and then talk to her when she's stopped and repeat if needed. She may be upset but if it is controlling like you said then make sure you say it all and that way she hasn't controlled you.

If you sat down with her, told her exactly how you feel, how you felt when she mooed at you and if she still doesn't listen then I think you have every right to do what you're doing but I do believe that she does need to be told.

Nothing has been said about your FIL(sorry if I have missed anything) - is he just as bad? do you know what he thinks about this?

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 21:16

llangennith

OP just remember, what goes around comes around

No it doesn’t lol! Are you superstitious or old fashioned? That’s just a thing people used to say as a threat.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 21:32

Personally, I don't agree that the dad has a right to take the baby away from its mother, to visit his own mother, without her. The baby needs to be with its own mum. When the dad grows a human from scratch, delivers it into the world at great pain via his genitals and feeds it with milk produced from his own body, then his opinion wrt that child will count more than hers. In the meantime, his job is to support her.

CeeCeeMacFay · 28/07/2018 22:00

This reply has been deleted

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Hilda40 · 28/07/2018 22:01

OP I'm entirely on your side. Ignore the goady nonsense.

Narya · 28/07/2018 22:03

I don't get this trend of letting grandparents take babies away from their mothers for sleepovers and to show off to friends. Has it always been a thing? I love and trust all my babies grandparents but wouldn't agree to this until she is older

I agree. My MIL has asked once or twice for us to leave DS (6 months) with her while we go off and do something else but luckily not pushed the point as I'm not ready for that yet. I don't really get why it seems so important to get the parents out of the way, unless it's to do things they wouldn't agree to, in which case that's hardly a good idea.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 22:09

Not sure why the OP has to feel grateful for pushy, overbearing mil

diddl · 28/07/2018 22:09

"Sorry but you sound really horrible and ungrateful"

Ungrateful for what?

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 22:12

Ungrateful because OP should want to offload her child onto others at every opportunity I think they mean.

Helendee · 28/07/2018 22:18

I find it rather strange that anyone would be happier leaving a child with a bunch of strangers in a nursery over a loving family member who loves the child because they are their own flesh and blood and not just a source of income.

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 22:25

The OP does leave her child with a “loving family member” Helendee, her mother.

Her MIL is a nasty person, haven’t you read the thread?

And, as you find it strange, perhaps you could entertain the idea that the OP has good reasons for not raving her baby with her MIL?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 22:26

Why are women expected to be appreciative of stuff they didn't ask for and didn't want?

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 22:26

not LEAVING her baby with her MIL...

And why the nursery comment? Which nursery?

Storminateapot · 28/07/2018 22:31

My Dad's Mum was apparently quite a difficult woman and she & my Mum didn't get on well. However, I saw a lot of her when I was growing up because my Mum put her personal feelings aside and understood that it was important for me to form close and loving bonds with family members other than herself and my Dad. I did just that. I loved my Nana and she doted on me. I felt safe and loved with her and, despite the fact that I was quite young when she died and it's 40+ years ago, I still have lots of happy memories of fun with her.

I never knew of the antagonism with my Mum until I became an adult myself and I'm grateful to her that she didn't let that stand in the way of knowing the love that my Nana had for me.

I have sons now and MN does make me fear for how things might be if they have children with someone who feels that their children are 'theirs' and I should have no more love for them than I might for a distant relative, My children aren't 'mine'. They are part of my family and my husband's family and there are important and enriching relationships for them to have with each member of the family which they should be allowed to find and experience without my being the puppet master of their every move. My own MiL is rather selfish & manipulative, my DH has conflicted feelings towards her. She's a lot older than my Mum and a completely different generation. However, she loves my children and I love her for that. She's a good and loving grandmother and my children deserve to have that in their lives.

Closing off that aspect of love for your child seems a very selfish thing to do. As so many have so rightly said - babies are not possessions, and that applies to us too. We have the honour & privilege of loving and raising our babies, but they are their own people.

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 22:49

I repeat, not all people, not all MILs, are nice. Mine’s a thief. I would no longer let my child have a relationship with her than I would anyone else who is a thief. Or a liar.

Just because YOUR MIL is a saint, or perhaps she’s a thief also but you don’t care, doesn’t mean that everyone has those values!

CeeCeeMacFay · 28/07/2018 23:03

Ungrateful for the support and help she is being offered. No one is saying she has to leave her baby all the time but a lot of people have no help at all and she could at least be appreciative of the offer even if she declines it

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 23:09

CeeCeeMacFay So OP should leave her baby with someone she doesn’t like or trust because “a lot of people have no help at all”?

😂

I have an idea, those people can leave their babies with MIL! Win all round!

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 23:10

And no she shouldn’t be appreciative because MIL isn’t doing her a favour, if she was she would have asked once and then kept quiet, not tried to go behind her back. MIL is doing it because SHE wants to do it, purely selfish reasons.

hottotrotsky · 28/07/2018 23:11

There's a whole load of reactionary batshittiness going on here.

OP's MIL is a warped weirdo who has no claims on her GS. She's had her chance parenting and should stop muscling in on another lady's baby.

karyatide · 28/07/2018 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.