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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 23:23

Like I said CeeCee, OP didn't ask for and doesn't want the particular brand of 'support' the mil is offering, so no need for her to be grateful.
Mil doesn't have OPs welfare in mind - she just wants to have the baby without OP ertting in the way!

CeeCeeMacFay · 28/07/2018 23:27

Ok I apologise I haven't read the full thread and am probably projecting my own stuff here.

heartsease68 · 29/07/2018 00:29

Closing off that aspect of love for your child seems a very selfish thing to do

Seriously? HOW is she closing off that aspect of love when she is taking the baby to see her gran for 2-3 hours every week?

HOW???

SalemBlackCat · 29/07/2018 00:42

This reply has been deleted

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LeighaJ · 29/07/2018 01:28

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MipMipMip · 29/07/2018 01:42

There are plenty of people on MumsNet who prove that someone being a good person is not dependent on their having a good mother. That they grew up decent not because of her but despite her. Saying that she was able to produce a son that the OP wanted to marry is really not proof of much.

I'm guessing a lot of posters have not been victims of insidious manipulation. The way five minutes becomes ten, the "only a little bit" of something banned, the "well it's naughty but so funny I just can't tell him off, no you mustn't!". The way tears come so readily when they don't get their way. The way that it is not neccasarily what is said or dond but how. The way it drop drip drips until it became a flood.

Thete was a poster on here a few months ago going through hell. She was being undermined by her MIL after giving birth, the MIL kept taking over and prevented her from doing anything. In the end the police had to be involved along with social services as the husband sided with his mother and wouldn't let the poor poster see her new baby. It was an awful case (and an instance of being proud of MN for the support given to the poor woman in a desperate time).

I am not for one moment suggesting that the cases have more than a glancing similarity. But the DH agrees to limit time. He sees The nature of his mother to an extent and The OP being an outsider she can see it even more clearly. The MIL is seeing her GC on a near weekly basis. She certainly appears to be a manipulator- and an unpleasant one is she mooed at the OP and says the baby only likes her for food. It's no wonder she prefers to see her own mum. And with someone who ignores advice about a baby's sensitive skin and has criticised the way the OP is doing things to the extent that the OP does not believe she will do as told, or that she will lie, then I really don't blame the OP for not wanting to leave her baby there.

OK from what you have said I think you are making good decisions. However, I would be remiss to not suggest talking to someone in case you have a degree of postnatal depression and are taking things more sensitively than you would otherwise. We are none of us there to hear what is said and how to know if things are going too far. So please get checked but also trust your instincts and enjoy your time with your little one.

HollyGibney · 29/07/2018 01:47

They say some men marry women like their Mother's, he definitely married someone who sounds equally controlling, manipulative, and who likes treating family relationships like a winner takes all game.

What point are you making here? You've ripped into the OP but then say that her MIL is just as nasty. If MIL is nasty, manipulative and controlling then why should OP hand her baby over unsupervised and allow extensive child care? And how does not handing her baby over to an already nasty manipulative person who was the initial nasty person before OP ever came along make OP in the wrong? You aren't making sense.

MipMipMip · 29/07/2018 02:05

Sorry, one paragraph was particularly confused. I'll try again.

But the DH agrees to limit time. He sees the nature of his mother to an extent and the OP being an outsider she can see it even more clearly. The MIL is seeing her GC on a near weekly basis. MIL certainly appears to be a manipulator- and an unpleasant one if she mooed at the OP and says the baby only likes OP for food. It's no wonder OP prefers to see her own mum. And with someone who ignores advice about a baby's sensitive skin and has criticised the way the OP is doing things to the extent that the OP does not believe MIL will do as told, or that MIL will lie, then I really don't blame the OP for not wanting to leave her baby there.

Getitrightthistime · 29/07/2018 02:39

OP I really feel for you there is no need at all for half the comments in this thread their nasty and imo bullying in some cases.

Why cant people disgaree and have a good debate any more without turning nasty and making all sorts of assumptions.

Op best advice to you would be to ignore these bitches their comments say more about them then about you. I do think you need to try and repair your relationship with your mil not just for lo and dh but actually for yourself too just so you feel more at ease. What you're going through is totally normal that's not to say it's fair and necessarily deserved but still can be a very normal part of becoming a parent. Good luck with everything I really hope you can come to some sort of compromise that gets mil off your back but also keeps you both happy. You don't sound bitter, jealous or abusive to me you sound scared, confused and quite alone as you obviously having a tough time with this is real life and some of these posters need to remember that for them this is a post to hurl abuse on but for this lady it's a situation causing her a great deal of pain and torment.

ILoveHumanity · 29/07/2018 09:25

getitright I agree.

And yes the amount of bullying on this thread is disgusting. I hope the Op is ok after all of this. I have a 6 months old too and the amount of emotional abuse Op is getting that could break her at a time she needs support is just vile.

Plus total sexism is at play... the idea that Op had to sacrifice her own comfort for someone else’s mother and give herself no rights just so that someone else’s mother is getting extra privileges is purely sexist. No one expects her husband to give up so much just to please her parents now would they.

Urrrgh the world is messed up

SnuggyBuggy · 29/07/2018 11:02

I agree, Mumsnet is usually very anti wifework and yet here it's the OP and not her DP who is expected to manage this woman's feelings.

Beingthere · 29/07/2018 12:26

No one is responsible for anyone else’s feelings. The OP’s DH is not responsible for his mother’s.

FIL, king of the “Now look what you’ve made me do!” remark 🙄 told DH he was “killing your mother” because we stopped contact when she stole from me. The ultimate in blame shifting!

GrannyHaddock · 29/07/2018 13:15

ILove, OP sounds like a pretty tough nut to me from the first post and everything she has written since. She could not have written that OP and not have expected a strong negative reaction. I am with all the posters who would have loved input and help from grannies and grandpas, of which we had none living.

Original poster

Stormi12 · 29/07/2018 13:27

The comments don’t bother me! I wish MN didn’t delete some so I could see them all!

My tried confronting me once about HER behaviour. She has a tendency to act like I don’t dress my child appropriately for the temperature in my home and always brings a blanket for him. I must have said something aloud like “ugh he’s not cold” and sil overheard. Mil then waited for one of my invites to my home to say “oh sil told me you said such and such. I respect you as a mother. However I do feel he is cold” basically a sorry not sorry. Just another layer of how annoying she is coupled with the wanting to do things with MY family that she never did with HERS! Such a hypocrite at times!

OP posts:

Raspberry88 · 29/07/2018 13:41

GrannyHaddock
I just don't agree with that argument, should no one ever complain about an unkind partner because some people don't have a partner at all.

IrmaFayLear · 29/07/2018 14:33

Stormi12, you keep describing annoying behaviour, not evil behaviour.

I am with you on the kissing on lips (unhygienic) and the baby spending time alone at mil’s (he’s very little atm). The “mooing” thing - well, we don’t know the tone in which that was said. It might have been a joke which went down badly or said to be mean. Either way, you sound feisty enough to have called her out on that one.

Also we take much more from our “own” side of the family and probably feel more comfortable answering back. My dm was often saying ds must be cold. I just shrugged, whereas i admit if mil had said that I might have bristled.

I bet you, OP, that to a neutral observer your dm would be equally irritating but you are used to her. In-laws by default are always “weirdos”, but for the sake of harmony we try to be a little bit nice.

Beingthere · 29/07/2018 14:38

”I am with all the posters who would have loved input and help from grannies and grandpas, of which we had none living.”

No need to call her a bitch because she has an abusive one though 🙄 My father died when I was a child, I’ve never called anyone’s baby an arsehole” because of it though.

Beingthere · 29/07/2018 14:40

IrmaFayLear you think everyone should be like you! They’re not!

minnierose3 · 29/07/2018 14:47

I think it's quite sad you don't want them to be involved in your child's life 😟

IrmaFayLear · 29/07/2018 14:57

I think everyone should be like me?!

Haha. But I do try to live by the maxim Do unto others as you would be done by. If everyone was a little bit kinder then we’d have no mil/dil fights, no CFs, no thieves, etc etc etc. (And no AIBU...)

Beingthere · 29/07/2018 15:01

IrmaFayLear So you think the OP’s MIL wants the OP to be nasty to her? That’s weird!

Or doesn’t it count for MIL’s?

Beingthere · 29/07/2018 15:02

minnierose3 yes, it’s also sad she gets mooed at when feeding her baby...

diddl · 29/07/2018 16:38

"I think it's quite sad you don't want them to be involved in your child's life"

Yes, they only see him once a week!

ToadsforJustice · 29/07/2018 16:57

As a MIL and grandparent, I wouldn't offer to provide full time care for my grandchild. Apart from the fact that I work full time anyway, looking after a baby is lovely when they are small. Not so much when they are toddlers.

What happens if you are sick or you want to go on holiday? An occasional day or two is fine. Full time is too much of a commitment. Nursery care is fine.

If the OP doesn't like her MIL, I can see why any offer of child care is refused. Trust your instincts.

GrannyHaddock · 29/07/2018 17:11

Good point, Raspberry, but I and many posters feel that OP has taken an extreme position and somehow the MIL cannot be quite the Gorgon as described.

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