Aibu to ask if I can change my child’s personality

[Milkshakeminer]

I know it sounds awful. I know how horrible I am and nothing you can say can make me feel worse so...
My son is 8. He has a diagnosis of autism, pda and severe anxiety.
He’s horrible, violent, aggressive, rude, nasty, messy, controlling and I don’t like him.
Is it too late to try and change him into a nicer person? If not how do I do it?
I’ve been a single parent for most of his life, have no family and no friends, he’s been excluded from every school so is home 24/7 I’m 30 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life makes me want to kill myself.
I’ve been to gp, autism outreach, paediatrician, camhs, local education authority and pretty much everyone told me I’m doing fine and there’s nothing they can do.
Please, please help me be a better parent and raise a better child

I haven't got any advice but I don't think this is about your parenting. Your son has conditions which mean he's challenging. I hope you can get some support from posters with more experience than me.

Thank you x

Family support worker?
Does he have an ehc plan ? He should

If he's been excluded from everywhere surely they don't just give up?! Aren't there still special referral units or even residential schools that could take him?

I’m sorry you are feeling so low, it sounds bloody hard. Do you have access to respite care? If he is home ed are you in contact with other home ed families even just in the Facebook groups?

Anywhere that would offer him respite care? Just for a weekend, to give you a break.

What support are you getting? Not just people sitting behind desks telling you things - actual hands on support? My son is severely autistic, needs 2:1 care at all times on account of his behaviour & I have never felt like this (although I may have wished the autism away). You sound exhausted.

His behaviour will be due to distress rather than being violence as such, although yeah it still hurts (needs a different response though). Have you been given support to analyse the behaviour? Has he had a sensory assessment? Support groups aren’t always helpful - depends on the mix of people.

Do you have family around to help, do you ever get a break?

With the PDA you could try some positive parenting tricks. Never tell him to do something - ask him which of two things he'd like to do, both of which are acceptable to you. I don't know if it will work but worth a try if you haven't already (eg if he has to get ready for holiday club, for example, distract him from the demand 'get dressed' by saying instead - when you're getting dressed would you like me to give you shorts or trousers. If he says 'I don't want to get dressed' you agree. No, I know it's so hot. Of course you don't want to get dressed. It would be cooler to run around in underpants all day. You can do that at home, but at holiday club people wear clothes - so shorts or trousers?'

It worked for my DS who is autistic but afaik didn't have pda but was very strong willed.

He has ehc plan that says mainstream with support. Apparently it wouldn’t be fair to the other children if he went to the autism specialist school that’s literally round the corner and hasn’t got severe learning difficulties needing special school (to be honest I think I’m just being fobbed off) his first exclusion was age 2 at preschool, the last was a couple years ago and he’s been home ever since. The latest mainstream I applied to wouldn’t accept him, local authority told them they had to, the school then made sure I wouldn’t want to send him there and faffed about for months. Told home education officer he’s not having an education and she replied ‘well home ed doesn’t mean following the curriculum or lessons so I’m sure it’s fine’ it’s like banging my head against a brick wall, I’ve been fighting for him for so long and I give him everything I have, my whole life revolves around him, I’m a parent, it’s my job but I just wish he would be nicer to me

Oh I missed the excluded bit. No wonder you’re exhausted. He’s entitled to an education. Does he have an EHCP?

I would email education and social services and copy the head of children’s services. Say that you are exhausted and copy on the MP & councillors. Copying them in is usually enough to get a response from the LA

In the meantime leave a message for IPSEA to ring you back www.ipsea.org.uk/Pages/Category/education-health-and-care-plans so you can start to follow the legal route to getting him an appropriate education. No wonder you are shattered.

Do get IPSEA to help you. Twitter is full of advice as well re education. I would put the energy into that. If he attends school you will find the rest easier because you will have a break.

The current situation isn't fair on him or on you. There is a lot of experience and expertise on MN, and I'm sure you can be signposted, from here, to RL support.

I’m on home ed groups, made a lovely ‘friend’ and after one coffee/play date she decided not to speak to me ever again because my son soiled his nappy and her 5yo was unhappy about it.
He’s had sensory assessment and has so many sensory issues it’s ridiculous, sight, hearing and touch all effected meaning sunglasses/ear defenders and making sure his comfortable is a priority. He also seeks certain sensory things and avoids others.
No respite, no childcare, no help, no family support worker.
Everyone tells me someone else will help and I go round in circles, the latest is ‘early years’ should help or social services.
He can only process very short sentences so I can’t explain much to him but there’s never demands and lots of choices. I understand he has an anxiety based need to be in control but it’s exhausting. I’ve not been out on my own for years

Spoken to ipsea and sendiass, they direct me to local authority.
I was supposed to have someone from one of them, I can’t remember which, to view a school with us and make sure things are in place to make sure he’s ok, she cancelled every time for 6 months. Local authority wouldn’t let me apply for a place without her and school said if we view and apply he can start 20 minutes a day and build up each week and after half term and holidays start at 20 minutes again which just seems ridiculous and a cop out.

Have you spoken to your local authority. I would contact childrens services and ask what they can offer to you or to signpost you to an agency that can provide any respite care a few hours every other weekends/activities during school holiday etc I'm sure its possible to get funding if they have availability.
It would be good for both of you to have a break from the same 4 walls and your son will have to adjust to it...you need a break to be able to take care of him! You'll burn out otherwise!
Have g.p offered any anti depressants?
I know from experience how you are feeling and I'm also about to start the process of applying for respite for ds12 the sake of his siblings and us parents... especially when their off school the atmosphere can be awful and ds is more prone to meltdowns while he is bored.

Have you looked into any educational support centres to see if they'll take him a few hours a day?

Or if he receives any disability benefits, could you not get a carer or assistant in for an hour or two so you can go shopping meet a friend etc.

pps are right you need a support worker, childrens services or local childrens centre should be able to advise on how to get one.

I'm sure that with you having him home during school hours without any downtime you should have some help from L.A with managing ds behaviours and also be entitled to some respite care

You aren't a bad parent and it is not your fault. I work with children with similar diagnoses as your son and it is bloody exhausting..I only do it 6 hours a day and within a team! I am not surprised you are struggling...I'm more surprised that you haven't cracked a long time ago.

It's time to fight tho..for your sanity. There ARE very specialist schools out there..mostly independent, but the LEA won't tell you about them and you have to prove that a local school can't meet his needs... which you already have!. I would do as Devilishpyjamas has suggested . Your son IS entitled to an education and it doesn't have to be you! Also, you need a Social Services Care assessment. There IS money for respite out there but you have to phone the child disability team and ask. Or beg. Or threaten to leave him on social services doorstep... believe me you wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last to do that, and it WILL mean action . (A friend of mine got to this stage recently and after years of trying to cope had had enough and when she said she wouldn't have her child in the house, the LEA found a specialist boarding school amazingly quickly)

It's a horrible thing to have to consider but you need and deserve support. PDA is THE most difficult behaviour to manage IME :(

I’ve had the local authority round and they were no help, everyone I spoken to says social services will help but I’m scared in case they decide I’m an unfit mother.
I’m on anti depressants, I changed to different ones a few months ago and they don’t help at all so I should go back for a review and change them.
We do do stuff which takes so much planning and it only takes the smallest thing like a car door slamming and he’s screaming, having a panic attack and trying to run so we end up sitting on the path with me rocking him and singing (apologies to anyone who passes us, I can not sing at all!) and the next time we need to leave the house he remembers that fear and emotion and doesn’t want to leave. I try my hardest to understand and do my best but sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if he was physically disabled so others and myself would see him and think ‘ah poor disabled child’ rather than seeing his behaviour as ‘naughty’ or aggressive because he looks like a regular 8 year old.

Thank you stillmedusa there’s an independent autism school within walking distance which I think would be perfect, local authority said they won’t review ehcp and put it as named school unless he goes to mainstream and is excluded again with their recommendation of the school and as I said in previous posts the school just seemed to fob me off for 6months.
Thank you everyone for your kindness, it genuinely means a lot x

I can’t imagine how tough your life is OP. I don’t have any answers but huge amounts of respect for being such a strong parent. I hope someone can’t come and help.

I am so sorry, this must be so hard.

Please put your energies into getting more help for you and long term support for him.

Please see if you can get some counselling which will help you to manage your own feelings and cope better.

Would a residential centre be better for him?

I am so sorry this must have been really hard to write and not know how it would be received. Sometimes I am angry and feel upset with my kids and they are much, much easier than your son appears to be.

I think that you need specialist help and it may be that Theraplay' (a special kind of play therapy) could help to build a better bond between you and your son and also help to calm him.

My son is 7, adopted, and has had some real explosive episodes and theraplay made things a lot better. It may or may not work for your son but this is the sort of help you could ask for.

If you are really fobbed off I would engage your local MP and get them on side and helping you.

I would call and email any part of the local authority that can help you and be nice, persistent and desperate. Not aggressive to piss them off but sufficiently persistent that they feel they will give you want you need to shut you up a bit.

Make lots of notes of what you need, what may help and what may be available. In the middle of all that mess of word will be something that may work.

If he needs to go to school out of area, could this be funded, and his bus journey too etc on school transport and could this give you more time to recuperate and recover?

I think you need to phrase it always as 'my son needs' my son deserves (an education/help etc) but also always be looking for what will work for you and make you better able to cope, to care and survive.

You need to show the local authority how much your son needs help while realising anything they offer that helps him, gives you time, offers hope etc, will help you.

We got help with our son and daughter (birth dd, more trouble than ds!) last year because I cried down the phone. I didn't mean to, it wasn't a trick, I had just reached the end of my tether. I am guessing for you that the end of your tether is a distant memory.

But now, you know you can do this, please think of yourself, but ask always for things that will work for your family, you and your son.

Someone once wrote... something like....I like to think that every story has a happy ending, if you are not happy, this is not the end.

Sorry that is long but I hope some of it helps. I've not been where you are but I've seen little bits of it and it must be very hard.

You guys have me crying, I thought I’d get so many messages saying I was a terrible parent and I’ve been thinking I must be because nobody will help me and other people have more than one child with special needs and they’re not falling apart.
I’m writing down all of your advice and suggestions and will make a plan of action, I’ll be more persistent and involve more people like my local mp etc

If he's been excluded from the school named on the EHCP, have you had an emergency review? Because you should. Then request the school you want. The LA may turn it down but there is an appeal process and a tribunal can ultimately decide. I think a tribunal would take a very dim view of how the LA have behaved so far.

Going on what you've said here, it sounds unlikely that mainstream plus support can meet your DS's needs. I'd look at the Priory school's website. I think they even offer support to parents of children with SEN not attending one of their schools.

I would try IPSEA or SOS!SEN again. Be specific about the advice you need - emergency reviews and naming a special school that the LA will try and resist.

It's not a cure-all, but getting DS back into a school that can meet his needs will make a considerable difference.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't have any experience with this & I'm sorry if it's already been suggested in the past/proven not useful but what about home start? It's a charity where a volunteer comes to give parents some respite/company/help with tasks at home. Maybe even a short window away from things to have some time to yourself might help even a little bit with everything you've got going on? Or at least give you some time to think about things properly.

I don't have any experience of SEN but you sound like a lovely mum. Your son's behaviour sounds really challenging and I hope you get some help from someone soon. My son in law is a social worker and they don't remove children from mums who are obviously doing their best and may have access to resources which may be helpful to you.