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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask if I can change my child’s personality

164 replies

Milkshakeminer · 24/07/2018 23:17

I know it sounds awful. I know how horrible I am and nothing you can say can make me feel worse so...
My son is 8. He has a diagnosis of autism, pda and severe anxiety.
He’s horrible, violent, aggressive, rude, nasty, messy, controlling and I don’t like him.
Is it too late to try and change him into a nicer person? If not how do I do it?
I’ve been a single parent for most of his life, have no family and no friends, he’s been excluded from every school so is home 24/7 I’m 30 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life makes me want to kill myself.
I’ve been to gp, autism outreach, paediatrician, camhs, local education authority and pretty much everyone told me I’m doing fine and there’s nothing they can do.
Please, please help me be a better parent and raise a better child Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Milkshakeminer · 26/07/2018 00:15

Thank you, I’ll check out goose and carrot! Currently trying to settle him but it’s pointless really!

OP posts:
itchyknees · 26/07/2018 00:15

“Not fair on the other children”? I’ve read some shit in my time but wow.

itchyknees · 26/07/2018 00:17

Is he medicated? If not, I would personally start with melatonin gummies. Order off internet. And before anyone jumps in to give me a lecture, forget it. Smile

itchyknees · 26/07/2018 00:18

You can beat this but the only way is via the legal channels holding the LA to account. Stay formal and hostile, document everything, avoid direct conversation and follow up every call with a confirmation of what was discussed. If it’s not written down then it didn’t happen.

itchyknees · 26/07/2018 00:20

Also none of this is your fault, or his.

newroundhere · 26/07/2018 00:48

milkshakeminer

I have nothing useful to add, just wanted to join the loud MN voices saying that this is not your fault, you are doing an amazing job by your son - it's the system that is letting you down.

I can't imagine how difficult having sole care of your DS must be 24/7. He is so lucky to have you.

I hope this will be a turning point for you and that you're able to get the help that you and your DS need.

MN is behind you Flowers

categed · 26/07/2018 09:17

I just want to add to the others saying how strong you are. You and your son have been treated appallingly by everyone.

I worked in special schools in Scotland and we have children with a range of diagnosis. No way would we say your son doesn't fit. My collegues have also experienced parents in your same position who had to go to social work offices and threayen to leave their chikd there unless something was done. Parent also threatened to sue local authority who backed down and provided a place
If you can keep fighting insist both your needs are met.

Italiangreyhound · 27/07/2018 00:04

Great advice from itchyknees.

None of this is your fault or your son's fault.

Thanks
Original poster
Milkshakeminer · 27/07/2018 01:36

Thank you everyone, I managed to get some time for myself, 5 minutes or so but it was a nice breather Smile

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 02/08/2018 02:34

I was thinking of you op. How are you getting on?

icklekid · 02/08/2018 03:10

Just read full thread and you've had a lot of excellent advice that I hope is helping you feel stronger. I really hope things start to change quickly. Is it worth writing down your action plan so far so people can keep supporting you. I would suggest easiest way to force LA to take action is find a school who you can speak to senco/head explain history and what the situation is. Explain you know he needs a special school place however without being in mainstream that is not an option. So you will work with them to make that happen. That probably will mean a staggered start 20 mins etc. They should then get the hln bid in to increase time and if need be they will have to show they can not support him. Such an awful system that sometimes we have to fail children to get them what they need. But this isn't always true. Schools often have links with special schools so they can come and observe and hopefully then get process of applying started. I've worked with 2 parents last year to get their children the placements their children needed. I hope someone in a local school to you can support you with this op

TheMythicalChicken · 02/08/2018 03:12

That sounds bloody horrendous. He needs to be in school. Do you have an MP you could approach? You need someone on your side.

Italiangreyhound · 02/08/2018 03:21

Thinking of you, OP. Thanks

cantfindname · 02/08/2018 04:30

Just read the whole thread in one sitting. I am so so sorry about the dreadful, abusive life you have lead. No one should have to go through all that... And then to end up with such a challenging child is really the last straw.

You are amazing and don't ever let anyone tell you any different. You are also very literate and intelligent, which, hearing about your childhood, is equally amazing. You are one very strong woman, even if you might not believe that right now.

I can't offer advice as this is outside my experience, although I did also have to fight my LA for a school placement for my youngest son. Those who say keep nagging them and make sure you shout the loudest are 100% right, it shouldn't be like that but it is. I got my way by phoning and (in those days) writing to them every single day... I think they got so sick of me they would have given me the moon. My son went to a school well out of our catchment and the LA funded a taxi for him twice a day. Totally different to your problems, I know, but it is surprising what they will achieve if pushed hard enough.

I am in awe of you and how you cope every single day. I hope and pray you get the help you both need and deserve Flowers

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