Aibu to ask if I can change my child’s personality

[Milkshakeminer]

I know it sounds awful. I know how horrible I am and nothing you can say can make me feel worse so...
My son is 8. He has a diagnosis of autism, pda and severe anxiety.
He’s horrible, violent, aggressive, rude, nasty, messy, controlling and I don’t like him.
Is it too late to try and change him into a nicer person? If not how do I do it?
I’ve been a single parent for most of his life, have no family and no friends, he’s been excluded from every school so is home 24/7 I’m 30 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life makes me want to kill myself.
I’ve been to gp, autism outreach, paediatrician, camhs, local education authority and pretty much everyone told me I’m doing fine and there’s nothing they can do.
Please, please help me be a better parent and raise a better child

Milkshake I just wanted to who what lots of other people have said - you sound like an amazing, loving, committed mother.

I don't have experience to help, but wanted to say do contact your MP (specifically and by copying them on emails). There's lots in the news this morning about children with disabilities being excluded from mainstream education and whether laws are being broken by LAs not providing an education. It means your MP and their staff are likely to have this on their mind, so it's a good time to contact them.

You are absolutely amazing and doing a great job with your son under really difficult circumstances.
My advice would be this.
Make an appointment to see your MP. In the meantime, write out all the issues, difficulties, exclusions, decisions, rejections, daft advice that have happened with your D's and school education.
Write it in chronological order and put in dates ( even if just month, rough date etc) .
Then take this to your meeting with your MP and ask him/her to read it.

OP, like many others here I have no experience of this or advice, just the sincerest respect and admiration for you.

I am utterly appalled by the way you and your son have been repeatedly fobbed off.

I do hope the support, encouragement and advice given here will enable you to find the extra strength to keep pushing so that his needs are adequately met.

You are absolutely amazing.

I think you are better off seeking legal advice than involving your MP. The LA are trying it on because they think they can get away with it. They will do this all the time and it is enforcement of the law that makes them behave.

Agree on the appointment with MP thing.

And if you can find a lawyer who could pro bono help you? maybe try some googling and cold calling - you may well find someone who is happy to help you.

The SEN boards here are amazing for support. I think what might be helpful would be advice as to how to navigate the legal side of what the LA are supposed to do. Ultimately, only you should be deciding if he is home educated not them and not any school. IF they can't find a school in the state sector they need to pay for specialist independent school.

Minapaws you are very wise x

Have a look at the ipsea website. There is lots of guidance about the duty of local authorities.

OP, No advice but a giant hug 🤗. You sound trusty amazing - I'm sure I would have cracked in your circumstances. TBF that lack of sleep would have done it on its own.
I've no advice but how about getting this thread moved to the SEN board rather than AIBU.

BTW you are probably the least unreasonable person to ever have started a thread on AIBU!

I wish you and you son the very best for the future. I hope you manage to get some help one way or another. It makes me angry and sad that help hasn't been more forthcoming.

Hi OP,

Firstly, you're amazing.

Secondly, I watched a really interesting Netflix documentary on CBD oil and its benefits, give it a watch if you can. It doesn't mention autism specifically (I think), but a quick google shows it has been used successfully in children with autism as well as children with severe epilepsy.

www.netflix.com/watch/80223995?trackId=14277281&tctx=0%2C0%2Cb78a22d1-b64c-478f-a9b9-8dac2e35ebd1-8968376%2C%2C

Have you thought about medication for the anxiety? PDA is anxiety based. Ds1 has high functioning asd and has much less meltdowns and panic attacks now he takes medication.

Having checked I have found that the local authority can name a type of school rather than a particular school but if they do this you can then take them to tribunal to force them to name a school and you can also argue for your choice of school if you believe theirs is unsuitable.
If it has been a while since the ehcp was issued you would need to ask for an early review of the ehcp.
In the meantime if he has been out of school for 15 days the local authority have a duty to provide an alternative such as a home tutor or alternative provision. This would apply from September.

OP I urge you to get in touch with social services and your local MAT Team, I had a very similar situation with DD, excluded from school at 6 due yo ASD and associated melt-downs, two years out of school, was not engaging with home-ed, I too joined a local home-ed group and that all went tits-up due to DD having meltdowns, and her taking exception to other members of the group for various reasons.

I was at the end of my tether, very depressed and desperate for help and I contacted SS, and they were brilliant, we had a MAT worker who got DD into a PRU with constant 1-1 support, she was there for 9 months, it was thought at one point that mainstream school would be out of the question in which case they would have supported her move to a specialist school, but very gradually she was reintroduced to mainstream with 1:1.

She's now full-time in mainstream with her ECHP and full-time 1:1, all signed off by the MAT team and doing brilliantly.

Please get in touch with them. They really saved DD's education and my sanity.

My mother works as a care in the community nurse for disabled children and I work for care homes and supported living that provide support for Autism and learning disabilities (although unfortunately I look after the properties so cant give you the specialist information you probably need). What I will tell you is that in both cases the people that scream the loudest, make constant complaints, arrange as many meetings as possible with the care providers etc and generally make a nuisance of themselves are the ones that get the most help, despite maybe not being the ones who need it most.

It sounds like an awful thing to do if you are generally a patient and thoughtful person but if this is what you need to do, do it. Make it that the local authority get so fed up with hearing from you every day, that you consume so much of their time complaining that it becomes easier to just give in and give you the support that you and your child NEED. If they don't help, ask to speak to their management, if they don't help, ask who you can complain to about them and so on.

Don't feel bad about this, you are equally as important as anyone else.

As a Mum to a son with ASD, you sound like you are an absolutely amazing Mum to your little boy. You've fought for so long and with some support and sleep you've 100% got the next fight. I'm unfortunately not near you, but feel free to PM me if you just want to chat. Sometimes the child with additional needs is all we talk about, but there's more to us than that and we need to remember it.

I'm crying reading your story. You are superwoman. No one would be able to cope. Please talk to social services. They won't take your child away. Also talk to your local mp and see if they can help. 💐💐

I hope you both managed to get some sleep! Just to echo what others have said, you're doing an amazing job in an extremely challenging situation.

And although it's horrible as you already have so much stress, you'll have to really scream and push to get the help you both need and are entitled to. Sometimes being polite, patient and accommodating just makes people see you as the path of least resistance.

We managed to get some sleep, 6 hours!
You are all amazing and giving me strength to fight for him.
italiangreyhound I haven’t had counselling about my abusive ex, he has ptsd and his own struggles which doesn’t give him the right to do what he did but I’ve been able to let go of the anger and hurt.
I had counselling as a child and sessions with welfare officers, social services and went to special groups. Unfortunately from birth to 10 I just thought my life was normal and everyone went through the same behind closed doors, my parents split up when I was 5 and I saw my dad every weekend, school got involved but i was a good liar (I thought I was protecting my mum as my dad would kill her if I didn’t lie) it all came to a head when I was about ten, I’d not been going to school most Mondays as after seeing my dad on the weekend I couldn’t really walk and would be bleeding and sore ‘down there’ there was then a court case from what I remember which was horrible as I didn’t really know what was going on and I had to speak to the police, eventually he lost his pr and wasn’t allowed near me but my mum didn’t take things further with the abuse (either with me or herself) I ended up being kicked out of the house at 15 by my step dad, looking back I think I was so angry that I didn’t have the childhood my friends had but I tried to be good, I worked from 12yo and paid them rent, my job was 5 miles away and my step dad would only drive me if I paid him £5 so I walked, I think that was mean but they said I’m too sensitive. So I ended up in a hostel at 16 and things went down the drugs/alcohol route until 21 when I fell pregnant, married my ex, divorced my ex and ended up here! As soon as I knew I was pregnant I didn’t touch alcohol or drugs again for the record.
My dad died a few years ago, he tried to contact me several times and eventually I responded when I knew he was dying, I wanted an apology or an explanation but he blamed my mum and said he loved me, I told him I forgave him and I do, he obviously had a lot of his own issues to deal with and I believe in karma despite him having a cushy life
I struggle with 2 occasions still but I’m working through them and I know I’ll get over it. The first is when my dad beat my mum unconscious when I was 7, there was blood everywhere and I thought she was dead, I screamed and screamed and even now I want to cry because I can feel the pain and frustration that I couldn’t help my mum. The second I don’t really know for sure but in my heart I think it, my ex raped me when ds was a week old, I fell pregnant and felt forced into having an abortion, he was going to beat the baby out of me if I didn’t. I should have ran as far away as possible but I was very isolated and from childhood knew to just do what I’m told. At 8wks gone I had the abortion, within seconds it fell out of me whole. The nurses said it was already dead and I would have miscarried anyway, I know it sounds ridiculous but I think my ex killed her and although it was probably for the best I still think about what could have been. Sorry I got carried away, in conclusion (like a proper essay!) I tried counselling and it wasn’t for me but I feel like I’m doing ok!
if anyone manages to read this far I’ll be very impressed!

I just want to give you a big huge hug. I'm so sorry these things have happened to you. I'm so sorry you have not had the help you deserve and what our taxes pay for. You are amazing for keeping yourself together and being so dedicated to your DS.

Are you in the NW? I have some connections to LA people from my dealings with them when trying to move back home. Our MP was wonderful and picked up the phone to other MPs to get things moving. He really was excellent and I'm happy to connect you if you are anywhere close to him geographically.

I’m in Leicestershire nibledbyducks
ilikeyourhairyhands that’s really good to know, thank you. I will be brave and contact ss! It’s nice to know that someone has been there and got through it!
As for medication, I’ve been considering it for a while but I’m in 2 minds, I think it’s something I’ll need to speak with the gp about. Thanks for all your help, I’m feeling so much more positive today

It's easy to see why people resort to quackery and ASD cures isn't it, when they've been failed by the services which should be helping and have run out of options.

Hopefully you'll get some respite awarded OP

I have a child with ASD who is also highly anxious.

You can't change him but you can do things to reduce his anxieties which (from experience) will result in improved behaviour.

I agree with pps who have stated that mainstream will not work and his current EHCP is inadequate and that you need to name a specialist provision. You should take advice on this issue from IPSEA.

You can get help from your LEA social care team and ask for Early Help/ Social Worker. You may be able to organise respite.

Speak to CAMHs about melatonin and medication for the anxiety, this also helped our DS.

I was abused by my parents and had a violent/sexually abusive boyfriend when I was a teenager. I think that makes their meltdowns more terrifying for us, as it triggers memories of past abuse. Maybe you need to develop the process of self care. It's very easy not to after the type of abuse you've had. You need to look after yourself too.

I don't have anything additional useful to add...but are the pets definitely a net benefit? We have an anxious child and although I absolutely hate the additional work, its worth it when she gets to emotional and immediately spends some time cuddling with the pet to calm down.

But do check to make sure your pets aren't more effort than they are worth...you are in survival mode until you can get the support you need and deserve.