Aibu to ask if I can change my child’s personality

[Milkshakeminer]

I know it sounds awful. I know how horrible I am and nothing you can say can make me feel worse so...
My son is 8. He has a diagnosis of autism, pda and severe anxiety.
He’s horrible, violent, aggressive, rude, nasty, messy, controlling and I don’t like him.
Is it too late to try and change him into a nicer person? If not how do I do it?
I’ve been a single parent for most of his life, have no family and no friends, he’s been excluded from every school so is home 24/7 I’m 30 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life makes me want to kill myself.
I’ve been to gp, autism outreach, paediatrician, camhs, local education authority and pretty much everyone told me I’m doing fine and there’s nothing they can do.
Please, please help me be a better parent and raise a better child

Thank you fuckingnamechanging it’s actually really helpful hearing positive comments like that and it’s appreciated.
Thank you ohthatiswhy I try to think I’m too stubborn to die while he needs me!

milk you are not dying any time soon so stick those worries on the back burner. You come across as a survivor and survive you will.

Good luck

Thank you sshhbear that’s really helpful, ds has an alarming ability to get so distressed his nose bleeds which scares a lot of people so I’m sure if I tried to send him to boarding school I’d soon get a phone call to pick him up!
Diet is interesting, he had a bad dairy intolerance as a baby/toddler and as I was young and stupid I listened to the doctor and health visitor when they said I had to reintroduce it he has bowel problems too and will potentially need a colostomy bag so a diet to try and prevent him needing that would be good. I know the past year or so I’ve slowing been giving up and his diet is appalling right now, I used to love cooking and baking and he was super healthy for years but because I have to separate food, cut it up (he has an issue that causes him to choke a lot and lacks fine motor skills) and it takes ages to do just for him to not like it, throw it on the floor, have a vacant episode and fall in it, I just thought sod it and started throwing frozen stuff in the oven. He has medication and creams for asthma, allergies, eczema and bowels, I have to clean his nose, ears, teeth, change his nappy as well as look after the pets, house, garden and everything else. There’s 24 hours in a day apparently and although I should be able to do everything in that time I just can’t right now. I’m sure I managed it all when he was younger although I’m sure he slept more then!

Milkshake I don't have anything useful to add but just wanted to say what an amazing job you are doing.

Have you posted on the SN boards? Lots of people hide AIBU so may not see this thread, but there are likely to be posters there who have been in your exact position and can give you specific advice.

All the best to you and your son.

Thankyou ginandplatonic I will post there tomorrow. Currently trying to calm ds down as he NEEDS to plant the apple seeds from the Apple he had earlier and he NEEDS to plant them NOW!!!!
I don’t know whether he’s successfully turned my brain to mush but I can’t think of a good reason why he can’t plant them now!

I'm a parent to 2DC with autism. DS I can handle but DD is a handful. She has the anxiety and oppositional defiance. It's very tough and I'm thankful I am able to hold down a job.

I've felt like the worst mother in the world since DD was born. I've never been able to meet her needs and it's almost a small relief that she has a diagnosis because now I know it's not me, she really is a challenging child.

As for help, you need to make school placement a priority. Speak to the school and be very honest with them about his behaviors. Tell them you want the LA to place him at this specialist school. Have you got a developmental paediatrician assigned to you? Here in the US both of our children have care teams managed by the developmental paed who has a huge say over school placement and services (speech, OT, PT etc is done through school here). Do you have someone medically who can say your DS shouldn't be in a mainstream school, that it is detrimental to his wellbeing?

Finally who is your MP? Get them involved. It will open a lot more doors than it shuts. Bring DS with you. If he has an episode or meltdown all the better. Nothing like a meltdown gets people moving to help you IME.

Priority #1 is school placement. After that is done priorities 2, 3…can be set. My experience has been that the wrong school setting results in none of the other therapies working. The school setting is absolutely key for my DC.

Oh apple seeds, my reply that worked was they are being composted so will be planted when they are ready.

The anxiety piece is tough. Hang in there.

Always good to say yes if you can! Middle of the night apple seed planting though

You sound like an amazing mum Milk. For what it's worth, I don't think parenting is ever really about liking your kids. Sure, it's amazing when you do, but that's just a nice bonus.

Parenting is about LOVING them, and that includes actions of love and caring for them, not just love in the warm fuzzy feeling sense.

And you are bossing at loving your little boy. I'm sure when you are less frazzled and have just the tiniest of breaks then the 'like' will start to creep it's way back in too.

We compromised, he’s planted them in a bucket that he’s now cuddling and telling them to grow big and strong, he can be such a sweetheart, I need to remember that more.
I would have let him plant them outside but I’m sure my neighbours think I’m crackers already!
If I could get just one nights sleep I think that would help, just to get me going really. He’s always had night terrors and nightmares and after a nightmare about a week ago he’s been sleeping roughly 7am-10am and I’m someone who wants at least 8-10 hours!

You (and he) are still up at 3am?? And this is every night? You really are a superwoman not to have reached the end of your tether long before now.

On a good night he’ll sleep 5am - 11am on a really bad night he won’t sleep at all. I know it’s terrible but I make sure the house is safe and locked up, put Netflix on and sleep for an hour while he watches. We have days where we don’t really do anything as I’m so tired and I try to catch up when I can but he just doesn’t stop. I suppose it doesn’t seem that bad to me because I’m used to it

That's not terrible at all - you need sleep to survive. You are so negative about yourself and your parenting, but to an outsider hearing your whole story for the first time you sound like a fantastic parent doing a superhuman job in unimaginably hard circumstances. Your son is so lucky you are his mother.

Based on his diagnosis, I'm surprised he's recommended for mainstream school.
As a teacher, it's so difficult to have children like this in the classroom, it makes it impossible to teach other children and we're not qualified at all to look after children with severe SEN. I can see why the schools are avoiding accepting him. Teachers end up basically babysitting to give the parents a break. I know ive felt like that. But a child who can't access the curriculum and is as severe as yours should be in a special school.
I do always feel so sorry for the parents who look drained and exhausted and I totally understand how you feel. I hope that you find support for YOU. Sometimes it is OK to be a little selfish and put your needs first.

Bloody hell you sound like superwoman. And she needs a break sometimes.

I'm angry and sad that you're not getting the support you need.

I don't have any useful advice.but please hang in there. Things can be sorted.

Sorry I realise that wasn't so helpful. I guess what I'm saying is special school is what I'd really push for now.

Have you tried melatonin? It's been an absolute godsend for getting DD to sleep. The anxiety keeps her up. It's like her brain can't shut down. She gets 1mg about half an hour before bed and she is out for the night. It's absolutely amazing for her. Ask your GP if you can try for your DS.

I glanced only briefly at this thread but when you said "He’s horrible, violent, aggressive, rude, nasty, messy, controlling and I don’t like him." it made me think of quite a few episodes of Supernanny in particular one episode where the child displayed all of these traits to the point of the parents just wanting to put away that child in some home, but through clever intervention (by Supernanny) the situation cleared up. You might get some ideas by watching on YouTube for different episodes, search "supernanny uk autism". The other thing is that I don't think you need to worry about him not having any friends if he has autism, it might be that this fact bothers you much more than it bothers your son. Many people with autism don't have friends and it doesn't bother them, they might be in continuous contact with professional healthcare staff though, that's another story. About the diet, it might be a good idea to cut out milk and milk-related products; there's a known connection to eczema and asthma. You might want to use oat-based formulas instead, or soy-based replacements though with severe milk allergy he might be allergic to soy too.

You must include the details you've posted here, like your usual night patterns.. to expect you to continue with this level of sleep deprivation is inhumane before anything else.

I wonder whether you've been in the middle of this so long, you don't realise quite how unreasonable the LA are being. Off course, you do, but to an outsider it is truly shocking. I'm not sure if anyone has said this yet, but at some point you may need to stop bring amazing in order for the authorities to see how difficult out is for you and your son (might be covered by the pp saying they cried on the phone). Whilst you take it all on, no one else feels the need to step in.

Looks like some very practical advice on here, I really hope your have the energy to push further and put this in the LA's lap, for them to sort. I do know it's difficult because you don't know how not to be amazing, but you need to.

Really really cheering for you, good luck

Thank you, I think because I had a really bad childhood and I’d dream of what I wanted life to be like and having my own child I struggle not being able to give him the childhood I dreamed of, even though it doesn’t make much sense.
dreaming oh he wasn’t allowed in the classroom, he had full access to the school and was basically given an iPad and told to leave everyone alone so pretty much just a childcare setting for as long as they felt they could cope with him. I went to so many meetings and was promised so much but it didn’t matter what strategies were in place and how much support he had he couldn’t cope in that environment and they can’t change the environment for him.

I reread the amount of sleep. Holy moly. Both you and him must be absolutely exhausted. Would your GP prescribe something to help knock him out? You need some sleep.

I coped on 3 hours of sleep a night for about 5 years. It's extremely tough and not good for your health. I really feel for you.

Thank you, I’ll definitely check out super nanny!
Thank you, I’ve made lots of notes about what you have all said and I will make a plan of action and keep you updated.
Nobody in real life has ever made me feel like I’m doing a good job and advice from people who know me has ranged from ‘hit him back’ to ‘get him adopted’ which is obviously just unkind and as I can’t look back on my own experiences I do overthink everything and try to make sure I’m being the best parent I can be and it means so much to hear such positive responses

Will see gp about melatonin, he doesn’t understand why we sleep at night and thinks 4am is a perfect time to play chess, why wait until morning?!

I use a lot of charts for specific times during the day. I keep it simple. There is a chart for bedtime, one for morning and school have one for the school day.

Right now, forget schedules. You need some sleep. Get something for him. Magnesium and valarium didn't touch the sides. Melatonin was amazing. She is fast asleep after about 25mins with 1mg. It's absolutely amazing stuff. She sleeps through until 7am which is 12 hours. It's been an absolute life saver for me.

Also, you are an amazing mother. You have a very challenging child and most couldn't cope with what you are managing. You are doing all the right things you need to do for you and your DS. Keep going. It does get easier when you get the help.

@milkshakeminer god how awful for him to be in that situation. The fact that he can't cope in a school environment surely should be enough for the LA to find him a place in a SS? They really are failing you here. Did he have a shadow teacher at school?
Is there ANYONE who could watch him for a couple of hours a week or every other day to give you a break until a permanent solution?