Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask if I can change my child’s personality

164 replies

Milkshakeminer · 24/07/2018 23:17

I know it sounds awful. I know how horrible I am and nothing you can say can make me feel worse so...
My son is 8. He has a diagnosis of autism, pda and severe anxiety.
He’s horrible, violent, aggressive, rude, nasty, messy, controlling and I don’t like him.
Is it too late to try and change him into a nicer person? If not how do I do it?
I’ve been a single parent for most of his life, have no family and no friends, he’s been excluded from every school so is home 24/7 I’m 30 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life makes me want to kill myself.
I’ve been to gp, autism outreach, paediatrician, camhs, local education authority and pretty much everyone told me I’m doing fine and there’s nothing they can do.
Please, please help me be a better parent and raise a better child Sad

OP posts:
Ginandplatonic · 25/07/2018 04:20

Sorry you're surrounded by such unhelpful and unsupportive people IRL - really not what you need.

Not sure the Supernanny suggestion would be helpful in your circumstances. Her techniques may possibly work for neurotypical kids but for your son's particular situation I suspect would make things worse not better.

I must say the more you post the more angry I am on your behalf at the lack of support you are receiving and I suspect like pp that it is because you give the impression of coping too well.

Limpshade · 25/07/2018 04:21

OP I'm sorry I have nothing to add here in terms of practical advice, but I wanted to tell you that you sound like an INCREDIBLE mother. I really hope you get the help you need. Thanks

Limpshade · 25/07/2018 04:23

And, you may need to act less-than-incredible to get it. The squeakiest wheel gets the oil.

Original poster
Milkshakeminer · 25/07/2018 04:35

I had a couple of people I could have asked for help but I had to move over 100miles away due to my ex, left quite a few years ago but haven’t managed to make any friends here unfortunately.
What’s a shadow teacher? He had 2 1-2-1s and several ta’s who were with him a lot. When looking at his ehcp the local authority guy was really surprised that he gets funding for 32.5 hours a week which is the entire school hours including breaks and lunch etc I said that’s because he needs specialist provision and has had full time funding since 2yo but we just go round in circles.
The squeakiest wheel gets the oil, I like that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Milkshakeminer · 25/07/2018 05:41

It’s after 5.30am and he has just dropped off, he’s at a strange angle so I’m going to attempt to move him so he doesn’t hurt himself and hopefully get a few hours. Ever since he was a tiny baby he doesn’t stop and then bam he’s asleep, even with food in his mouth, in the bath, walking it’s like he fights it so long until he literally conks out. Hope you all have a lovely Wednesday, thank you for your lovely words and will keep you updated xx

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 25/07/2018 06:28

...we end up sitting on the path with me rocking him and singing (apologies to anyone who passes us, I can not sing at all!) and the next time we need to leave the house he remembers that fear and emotion and doesn’t want to leave.

You are a wonderful mother Star

laurzj82 · 25/07/2018 06:51

No advice because I'm new and still learning about PDA.

Just wanted to send you some Flowers and Gin. You sound like an amazing mum

Sleepyblueocean · 25/07/2018 07:02

There are schools that take children with autism and very challenging behaviour. Have you been to look at independent special schools?

Devilishpyjamas · 25/07/2018 07:03

Sorry I am dipping in & out of the thread. Melatonin? Can work well if the problem is getting to sleep rather than staying asleep.

Tiredemma · 25/07/2018 07:06

I have no useful advice but just wanted to post that I think you are an amazing mother.

Devilishpyjamas · 25/07/2018 07:10

I can’t believe IPSEA just direct you back to LA. I know they’re overrun but.....

I would get onto Twitter and start following starlightmckenzie and the people she follows. They will be able to give you loads of education advice and send you to helpful people. I am pretty sure no named School illegal but I am not an education expert.. It sounds as if the LA is acting so illegally that a lawyer’s letter may be enough to sort them out. Do they think he is being home edded? If so you need to make sure they know he is excluded and not receiving an education as a first step. So they know you are not choosing to home ed him.

You could tell them as they cannot find a provision you are exploring a full ABA home programme - that may give them a boot as that would be hugely expensive.

Sleepyblueocean · 25/07/2018 07:11

The local authority cannot leave mainstream with support on his ehcp. You can insist they name a school on it. If they haven't in a reasonable amount of time, you can start a judicial review. You need to seek legal advice.

Quartz2208 · 25/07/2018 07:29

Yes you need help bless you you are not a terrible mother.

Contact your MP and get legal advice - he needs the specialist school

And go to social services you need there help and support they will not think of you as an unfit mother

Allfednonedead · 25/07/2018 07:38

Hi, I haven’t RTFT because I was getting so upset about how badly you and he are being treated. Now I’m going to do something really annoying, which is just to tell you what worked for us. You may have tried it, or you may feel it’s not appropriate, but it really did transform my DS.
My DS is autistic, and anxiety was ruling his and therefore our lives. It didn’t help that he took hours to go to sleep every evening.
A friend suggested trying melatonin to help him sleep. She had some around, so we thought we’d give it a go for a week or two.
Well. Not only does he now go to sleep at a much more reasonable hour, but in addition, the anxiety has almost gone!
I guess it’s something to do with sleep cycles - he doesn’t sleep all that much longer (especially in this heat), but it is somehow more refreshing.
The problem is that in England, melatonin is only available on prescription, and for children it has to be prescribed by a specialist.
We’re still waiting for a referral to specialist CAMHS, but in the meantime I’ve got people to buy it in the US and ordered it for myself by online prescription.
I spoke to a CAMHS psychologist to check this wasn’t a stupid or harmful thing to do, and she said that I should go ahead with the referral but that it was basically fine to medicate him like that in the meantime.
It obviously wouldn’t solve any of the big problems of the system screwing you both over, but better sleep could make life so much more manageable for you both.
Flowers and Cake to you - you’re doing so well just to survive in the circumstances. You’re a hero.

Dioskouri · 25/07/2018 07:43

Nothing useful to say except that Milk you’re amazing. You’re clearly a great mother - you just haven’t been getting the support you need and to which you’re entitled. I hope there is a breakthrough soon. Flowers

Homebird8 · 25/07/2018 08:00

To add to the melatonin commentary. DS1 has just been switched from normal melatonin to a slow release version because he was waking in the night and not able to get back off again. We’re in NZ so i’m not sure if it is prescribed in the UK but worth an ask if you can get that far.

You’re a great mum, fighting an almighty fight. I hope some of the advice you are getting here and can access in RL will help.

Sunshineface123 · 25/07/2018 08:06

Wow your life sounds so tough right now. I don't have any advice but sending you a hug. I'm a mainstream teacher and it really doesn't sound like mainstream school would suit your son at all, I can believe they are suggesting that. I really hope you can somehow get him into that school down the road to you.

MrsBobDylan · 25/07/2018 08:08

I am shocked by your post. I also have an 8 year old who sounds similar.

Sorry if this repeats any advice (haven't been able to read the whole thread) but this is what I would do (and have done):

Ring social services, tell them you are not coping. Tell them that if you don't get help, you want to kill yourself (as you said in your op).

Forget the autism specialist school. Your son sounds like he needs a special school who are skilled in dealing with kids who are aggressive. I say this because your son can't safely occupy mainstream environments without putting themselves and others in danger, which is why MS schools won't have him.

Get melatonin for his sleep - talk to a paediatrician. Melatonin saved us.

Dial everything back in terms of activities and demands. This should lower his anxiety levels. Look into the getting him medicated for the anxiety. We were planning to do this but reduced all demands on my son and he has improved so we've got it on hold. But I will start it up again if he gets back to where he was.

SS (and everyone else) kept telling me how well I was coping because they didn't want to help me. I felt like I was cracking up. I was cracking up.

Don't worry about them taking your child away. Let SS feel the full force of your despair. Your child needs to be in a school which can meet his needs.

Sleepyblueocean · 25/07/2018 08:18

I think he sounds like he needs a school that has experience in working with children with autism and behaviours that challenge. I would be wary of schools which specialise in children with challenging behaviour without autism because they may not have the right sensory environment and the ethos may be different.

swimbikerun123 · 25/07/2018 08:20

Sleep wise, can you ask the doctors to prescribe him melatonin. It has really really helped with the PDA and anxiety in this house. Also, we started anxiety meds and life has changed again for the better. When DC was 8, that was probably our hardest time and somehow, firstly with melatonin, it started to get better.

Italiangreyhound · 25/07/2018 08:20

@milkshakeminer have you had any counselling for your own childhood or the abusive relationship you were in? I know it is not necessarily an immediate priority but at some point I do think you need it.

It also sounds like long term your son will need residential care, you simply will not be able to sustain this level of care.

I think you have done an amazing job. But do be prepared to consider residential care when he is a bit older. As someone else said they manage this behaviour in a team for 6 hours a day. You have been super woman, I think you will need to stop and force others to take over because your health and sanity are at risk.

Please build up your self esteem, read about it on line, I find positive affermations are good 'I am a good mum','I have done well'' the odds are overwhelming but I have done my best.' Do not allow anyone to suggest you have done anything but the best.

Your fears that social services would blame you are, I think, unfounded. But your son cannot speak for you, so you need to speak for you. You have not made his behaviour, he has a complex condition that is not of your making or control. You have coped heroically. Please tell yourself only positive things about your efforts while also being honest that your strength is being sapped.

Flowers Flowers Flowers

zoobud · 25/07/2018 08:45

You found like an amazing Mum. I don't have experience of being an SN parent, bu I'm in awe of your dedication to your son. I really hope you get the support you need as you are carrying too much alone. Thanks

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 25/07/2018 08:53

I have no advice that hasn't already been given but 💐
MN is one of the best places for disability advice.

Gigis · 25/07/2018 08:54

You are a phenomenal mother and I have never had so much respect for an anonymous person on the internet before. What you're going through sounds exhausting. I'm sorry you've been denied help and support, I really hope things turn around for you soon.

Nibledbyducks · 25/07/2018 09:05

I just want to give you a giant hug! you are coping brilliantly and are being failed by every service! which LA are you under? I'm happy to help you with anything I can do from a distance? finding schools, writing emails etc, my eldest has Aspergers and PDA though he is high functioning, so I can empathise to at least some extent. Please feel free to pm me anytime x