Aibu to ask if I can change my child’s personality

[Milkshakeminer]

I know it sounds awful. I know how horrible I am and nothing you can say can make me feel worse so...
My son is 8. He has a diagnosis of autism, pda and severe anxiety.
He’s horrible, violent, aggressive, rude, nasty, messy, controlling and I don’t like him.
Is it too late to try and change him into a nicer person? If not how do I do it?
I’ve been a single parent for most of his life, have no family and no friends, he’s been excluded from every school so is home 24/7 I’m 30 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life makes me want to kill myself.
I’ve been to gp, autism outreach, paediatrician, camhs, local education authority and pretty much everyone told me I’m doing fine and there’s nothing they can do.
Please, please help me be a better parent and raise a better child

M3lon, ds is not great with the pets, they’re definitely a lot of effort. I rescued 3 cats who had been abused and abandoned so we’re pretty much feral. I spent about 6 months gaining their trust and rehomed 2, I’ve kept the most feral and I thought he’d have to be euthanised but he’s now the sweetest dopiest cat, I couldn’t bare the thought of rehoming him. My other cat has allergies and is expensive to look after, I wouldn’t mind her going to a new home but with her allergies I feel like she’s my responsibility? The dog is a pain in the ass but a lovely one, he’s my little shadow and as sad as it sounds it’s amazing to have something appreciate me and love me

I really feel for you--you are not a bad parent, you are a parent dealing with a bad situation, and it's just not acceptable that you've been getting passed around the system. You've obviously been trying for a very long time to navigate a system that has let you down. Going to your MP is a good suggestion. They are well placed to actually get something done. Your borough representative might also be a good person to get onside, as they have inside channels in the local system and know who will be able to get a result for you. It's their job to make sure their constituents are being looked after.
If you can, write down a history of everything you've done. It will be a good outline for anyone coming into the situation to assess it better, and will prove that you've just been getting the run-around. it will also show you how much effort you've been putting into getting the help you and your son need. I hope things will soon change for the better!!

Im so sorry. X

You need someone local and knowledgeable on your side. Have you explored local parent advocacy, like Parents Partnership/SEND? I also vaguely remember someone else on this site finally getting somewhere because someone from the House of Lords started helping with their case. Does anyone know how that would work?

Your DS has a right to an education and he has a right to support. You are both being let down badly. Start from square one again. Try and find an advocate if you can, and then start again with your GP, with the Local Authority, with CAMHS. Sometimes it's a case of speaking to one competent and caring individual and you need to keep looking to find that person. If you want, document what you are doing here and we can try and help you virtually!

I hope you are also claiming DLA and Carers Allowance? Family Fund might be able to help you too.

Sorry, haven’t been able to read all responses but I just want to send huge hugs and to say you’re definitely not a bad parent!! I have to homeschool my autistic 7 year old due to him not coping in mainstream school and being refused an ehcp to go to a SEN school, and it’s extremely hard work. I get slapped, kicked, scratched, bit, screamed at, things thrown at me, and he’s been discharged from all services as they seem to think he’s “doing well”
I try to focus on the good days more than the bad, actually I keep a diary and only write in the good days, then go read it all on the bad days to remind myself it’s not always like that. Another thing is I keep reminding myself that everything passes, and one day he’ll be a teenager, a 20-something, and he’ll be thankful I never gave up on him.
Go easy on yourself, you can only do your best

Hi OP.

I don't have any direct experience of this myself but a couple of years ago I lived with a guy at uni who was on the autistic spectrum, had dyslexia and a range of other learning difficulties. He was quite a closed off guy but well-liked by everyone who knew him.
We had a tipsy chat one night and he became a little more open about himself, and he told me when he was younger he had a really difficult relationship with his mum (dad wasn't in the picture) as he didn't feel like he understood his own mind so took it out on her. He used to get angry and trash his bedroom, swear at his mum and brother, not doing well in school and ignored the teacher etc. He found the whole world too overwhelming and it stayed this way until he was college age, around 16/17, and then things became clearer for him and he realised he could find a place in the world, started working hard and found a way to fit in.

I lived with him at 22 and honestly he is a fascinating person - extremely intelligent (ended up with a 1st class degree and masters in engineering), passionate about travel and reading and loves video games, an amazing skiier, has a good group of friends and a good social life. He was still trying to navigate his way around relationships and girls and I tried to advise him on that.

This post might not be helpful in your particular situation but it does show some hope for the future. Don't lose faith. I hope things get better for you OP. Sounds like you're doing a good job

Claiming dla and caters, he was awarded high rate care straight away luckily.
feelingonhedge I like the idea of a diary keeping notes of the good days.
redpandamama that’s so lovely to know, my son regresses and is mentally around 2-3yo in a lot of things, I’ve been told to accept it but like with his speech I’m trying so hard to help him so he can have the best possible life, he can cook, use the washing machine, buy stuff at the shop on his own (with me watching) which is a massive achievement for him so I do cling on to the hope that his future can be bright

No you can’t but you can try and channel it

So boxing for a vet aggressive child and will lean controlled aggression ect

he can cook, use the washing machine, buy stuff at the shop on his own (with me watching) which is a massive achievement for him so I do cling on to the hope that his future can be bright

This is brilliant, how proud you must be!

If it helps, I am autistic, I'm 30 and have just recently moved out of my mum's house. Nobody thought I'd be able to live alone but I'm managing really well. I actually live in a holiday park in a static caravan which simplifies a lot of bills and things, so while it's not "normal" it's pretty close to it.

I will say things started 'clicking' in my head over the last few years. I don't know how to explain it.

I still need help in a lot of ways and I'm far behind an average person of my age in many areas (I still wet the bed for example).

Another one chipping in to say you sound like an amazing mother OP

I work in this area and you are doing an amazing job - which sadly counts against you when it comes to getting support. It shouldn't but it does. Home ed is seen as a solution by lots of education authorities - so be clear you are refusing to provide this. The children with disabilities team is probably who you need - they usually arrange respite and direct payments etc. Has he been assessed by them? Accessed via social care in most areas.

A friend has a very similar sounding ds but he is lucky to be in specialist provision. She has battled for years and finally he has been assessed and they will get some respite care. She was coping too well and services are so stretched they focus on the families in crisis. It's not right or helpful as early intervention is much more likely to result in positive outcomes

I also thought an ehcp had to name a school though? Sendiass should at least be able to answer that question. And definitely involve your MP at this stage.

Good luck

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's not you it's the nature of the conditions that he has. It sounds incredibly difficult. Have you tried ABA?!

Crikey you need a disability social worker and get your access to respite, funding for buying in care etc

I haven't read the entire thread, so apologies OP if you've already said this: where in the country are you? The National Autistic Society runs several schools that might be worth looking at. Robert Ogden School in South Yorks specialises in providing a great environment for kids (many with PDA) who have been excluded from mainstream schools. Take a look at their website - there are some very encouraging stories. There are residential places there too if that's an option you'd consider.

NB it's NOT your parenting!! Children whose autism isn't understood by the schools they attend can have an awful time, and unmet needs can result in hard to manage behaviour. You need the right kind of help and support, and it's way harder to find than it should be.

OP you sound like an amazing mum. I’m almost in tears of exhaustion just reading what you’re going through - I have no idea how you keep on.

I can’t offer any advice at all but others have; all I can offer is my virtual support

Milkshake I’m not sure I can give any practical advice, but I wanted to say: you are not alone.

I have 2 DSs with ASD, one almost certainly PDA though it yet diagnosed and the other is the same but bigger, stronger and copes in school, which means it’s proved impossible to access any help for him.

It’s relentless. I don’t like them either most days. I don’t feel guilt anymore though, this is bloody tough and I have a helpful and involved husband!

You are a saint and you’re doing so well to get through every single day.

I’ve sent some emails off today, I will follow up if I don’t heart back.
I’ve managed to have a cup of coffee on my own while ds is upstairs

Stay strong.

Keep going

@Milkshakeminer I am heart broken to hear the story of your abusive childhood and your ex partners' truly evil ways.

The fact you are still standing after that torrent of abuse is nothing short of a miracle.

Please, please, you must find a way to prioritize yourself as well as your son. You count too. Please find any help you can for yourself because you are important too, you are more than simply a parent, you are a person, a woman of worth.

You need so much time to heal, you need your son to be in full time education, maybe even in time residential school, so you can begin to heal from your past.

XXX

*Milkshakeminer
*
Not really a lot to add, but just to say your not entirely on your own.

I lurk on Mumsnet, usually on the special needs boards but never post, but felt compelled to reply to this when I read it last night.

my son is 4.5 years with Asd & global development delay, I don't have no support as husband works every day, out early home late. & no real family around to help, so I know the feeling of relentlessness and doing everything single handidly.

& the not much sleep which is a complete killer, my son is like a 2 year old & very very impulsive with no danger awareness, so cannot for a second take my eyes off him or he's climbing as high as he can get or eating non edible items or drinking toilet water etc etc etc lol.

Just repeat after me.........

it must will get better.

X

Have just read through your thread - I have absolutely nothing useful to add but just echoing others - you are a bloody amazing woman and mother. I am shocked at how the local authority are failing you and your boy - I hope somewhere some help can be found.

milk and danni I was directed to the Goose and Carrot thread in SN talk. I’m incredibly tentative about posting about my situation in any detail and have lurked. I believed that there wasn’t anyone out there who could possibly understand my life, but there are and they do!

My advice is nowhere near as informed as others but that’s ok. I also fret about getting things wrong and offending others. But it has been a huge comfort to know that I am not alone.

Oh, OP you sound bloody amazing and my heart goes out to you. I honestly don’t think many people could have coped for so long with so little support.

Just to say that I used to work in social services and please believe me that they really want to support families that have children with disabilities including the ones your son has. They will understand all too well the pressures you are under and their job is to give support to keep him living with you. You’re antidepressants won’t go against you. Please do approach them.

You are getting fucked over by the LA.

1. call Ipsea and ask for emergency help/be put on the waiting list for a call back

This will very probably lead to

2. call emergency review of EHCP, his placement has clearly broken down, so you need a full review including Ed Psych and paediatrician. INSIST that these reports are specified and quantified.

3. unless what comes back is what you want, get the LA to finalise the review and go straight to appeal and make bloody sure that the LA know that you’re able for the fight. It sounds like they’ve profiled you as someone who is accepting of what they say.

4. at appeal name the ASD school around the corner as placement. Ignore any comments about “we are full” etc. If they can meet his needs as laid down in the plan then they must take him.

5. under no circumstances accept anything at all that isn’t a named School.

As for the school keeping his funded TA that sadly doesn’t surprise me. Get angry. That money has come from your son’s money box!