to think she's trying to steal my child

[Herringb0ne]

Hiya. Single mum to DS7 here. Have been a single mum from pretty much birth.

Dad has a new partner who he has been with for a number of years. I have gone out of my way to be friendly and inclusive, we have group facebook chat for arrangements, I get her birthday and Christmas presents, etc. In return I am treated like an inconvenience.

They now have a child together, DS7s half sibling.

She has on her Instagram profile that she is a 'Happy mother of two boys!!!' and so help me god I have not been able to rest about it. She is NOT MY SONS MOTHER. But nobody else thinks this is weird. I tried to raise it with Dad and he shrugged it off and said I was being sensitive.

DS7 later told me that she has told him to call her Mummy as it is apparently 'confusing' to his half-sibling (who is not old enough to talk......) if he calls her by name. I am incensed.

AIBU? He's MY SON.

Ask your ex how he would feel if your ds called a partner of yours Dad /Daddy ?You only get one Mum and Dad and he should respect that

Enough miss nice person, no more xmas presents or niceties, treat them both with the contempt they deserve.
Send drama llama a message stating that if she doesn't desist you will be taking legal advice and supervised contact as you can't have your ds upset by them insisting they call a step parent mum.
Or, tell dh you were worried about this where your dp/future dp was concerned, it's great that he'll have somebody else to call Daddy.
Some step mums like to pretend their dh has no past, so you don't exist really, until they have to acknowledge you.

Interesting...

I would check with DC if they want to call her mummy ... I have had a situation where one of my DSC wanted to call me mummy ...

and it isnt confusing at all my boys have an older half sister they know me and dh are mum and dad and dh is also their sisters Dad but she has her own mum.

I kind of get that if she put “mum and stepmum” on social media it’s a mouthful and a bit long. It’s easier just to write “mum”. And it shows she isn’t playing favourites with her bio child, she regards them both as her kids. Lovely jubbly! But I’d draw the line at your DS calling her Mum.

What’s the name that she and your ex call you in front of the kids? Is it derogatory or inappropriate?

I would just tell her, very very plainly that she is not to refer to herself as DSs mum. She is his stepmum which in itself is a very important role. If she doesn't see that then she obviously doesn't value to relationship she has with your DS and is looking at him as a possession.
Tell ex that you are not having it, all very politely, and that it ends now. Be very firm, but don't argue. If they try and turn it around or engage in an argument with you, just say "I've made my feelings on this very clear. Please respect them".

ooh, thats out of order!
I'm a stepmum, when our DC was learning to speak, they kept calling me by my name instead of mummy, just copying my DSC.
No way would I insist DSC call me mummy, however until DC learned to call me mummy, DSC called me 'mummy Taigh' for approx a month until DC learned to say it. then we reverted back to just calling me by my name, or whatever they feel comfortable with.
Would never refer to DSC as my child tho-thats nasty. But you can't really do much, except reassure your DS that you are his mummy and she is his stepmum. And make a wee joke out of it.

Yes, tell him that any future partners will be called dad.

What a prick he is.

“Mum of 2” is nicer I think than “Mum to one and step mum to another”.
BUT she should not be asking to be called Mum by your son. If a step child does chose to have two people they call “Mum” it should be entirely their own choice.

I think she doesn't want to be a step granny. I think she needs a name which denotes step granny hood without taking away the real status of your boys real grannies(assuming you still see them) obviously you can't go as far as Wicked Step Granny, but I think GrannyName would do for a start, on every card/letter/text/Facebook message........

So pictures of your ds, her son and her labelled

X,Y and lovely Grannyname enjoying icecream in the sun.
Or

Thanks Grannyname for this lovely shirt xx ds.

And you seem to have a relatively amicable relationship with her and chat via FB etc I would message her and explain how you find it upsetting and inappropriate. Perhaps ask how she’d feel if they separated and her son was asked to call another woman mummy. Hopefully as a mum herself now she should be able to understand your stance on this.

Sorry ignore above, I read it that it was your dad's new partner not your sons dad's new partner, blame the heat .......

This would upset me so much, both the instagram thing and the being told to call her Mum. I'm angry on your behalf.

Your way too over invested in playing happy families with her. Yes it’s good to maintain a civil relationship but look where that has got you.

Stop being a push over and step out of their pockets. Get off the group chat. Tell both ex and her that they are starting to take the piss now.

You need to start being a bit difficult and fuck if she starts being a drama queen let your ex deal with it

Nope yanbu at all!!!

Makes my blood boil, it's entirely up to you're DS what he calls her he shouldn't b made to call her that.

My DSS has his own nickname for me which relates to my name, we had a discussion when he was like 5 about how he has a mummy and a daddy and how I didn't call my own step mum mum either because she's not my mum. He was totally ok with it, having said that his mum has done this with her new partner and has made him call her dp daddy pretty much since day one.

I do say to ppl we have two kids BETWEEN US and would never post stuff online that would make out like he was my child. I think it's disrespectful to the other parent and confusing for the children.

Very weird. The Mum thing I mean.
I'm a step mum dss is 7 my dd is 4- he has never called me Mum and she always has. He will refer to me as mummy when talking to her eg 'pass that to mummy' etc but doesn't call me it himself.

On the other hand, if I'm asked how many kids I have I say 2, and would refer to them both as my kids in conversation. I don't make a point of saying he's my step son unless necessary.

I don't have his Mum on Facebook or anything tho.

I refer to my DS and DSS as "my boys" but definitely would draw the line at referring to him as my son or myself as his mother. He has a mum. She's not my favourite person but she is his, he doesn't need another mum!

YANBU OP.

However I would clarify on the calling her mummy thing. My DSS refers to me as mummy when talking to my DS - "go give that to mummy, where's mummy?" Etc. Maybe she is asking him to do the same? As in "please don't call me X when talking to my son, please refer to me as mummy". The same way you would talk to any young child about their parents.

You could put a photo and a caption 'awwww so cute, brother from another mother, ds loves being a big bro 😍 😘'

To be honest it just sounds to me as if she's trying to be inclusive to your son and maybe she's a bit pfb with her new baby too! She just sounds like a happy new Mum that's really really proud I wouldn't take it too personally. I can understand where you're coming from though.

She's totally overstepping boundaries.
My stepdad was an amazing stepdad and a true dad in every sense of the word and I still adore him now I'm an adult - but never once did he try and make me call him Dad - he invited me to call him Dad but understood that I already had a father and felt uncomfy calling someone else Dad

purple mac has a good point
However I would clarify on the calling her mummy thing. My DSS refers to me as mummy when talking to my DS - "go give that to mummy, where's mummy?" Etc. Maybe she is asking him to do the same? As in "please don't call me X when talking to my son, please refer to me as mummy". The same way you would talk to any young child about their parents.

Check if that is what their intention is as really that is not unreasonable to ask.

I certainly would put a stop to this right away. Tell your partner it must stop as from now. I agree that she is deliberately trying to annoy you. Stop the Christmas and Birthday presents and niceness. And this private nickname thing is very bad indeed. I'd be inclined to try and stop the visits as her behaviour is absolutely out of order.

Wow very inaporopriate. Then she is called Jane or Auntie Jane. Your ds is old enough to know yiur his mum and can have a laugh about it.

YANBU, thats weird. I have been a step parent for almost 10 years now an never ever has I crossed my mind to gt the stepkids to call me mam. They have their own mam. Infact, when DSD was maybe 4 or so, she did call me mam, and I corrected her but DHs ex was there at the time and she did not seem bothered by it at all, which I found weird too! If my kid were calling another woman mam, I would be really annoyed and upset, but she didn't bat an eyelid. When DSD had gone to bed I also apologizes for it and made it clear I did not want/ask DSD to call me mam at all...but again, DHs ex just shrugged it off, said she wasn't bothered at all and DSD could call me mam all she wanted and asked if I was ordering a kebab that night and if so could she have one! Mind, round about the same time DSD started calling her by her real name too, and she didn't seem arsed about that either. Again, which I find odd. DD has called me Vicky once, and it made me feel so bad.

The Instagram thing would've annoyed me a bit but had it just been that, I'd have said she's just trying to make an effort with your child to make them included.
The 'call me mummy' thing would send me up the flaming wall though- I'd be livid!
It's so wrong and overstepping the boundaries of inclusion and kindness