To have more children in these circumstances?

[LightningAndLove]

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

Op does your Dh know how hard it is to parent alone Monday to Friday? I did it when mine were little for a few years and it was awful. When Dh came home on a Friday evening I was a weeping, exhausted mess. What will happen if your Dh decides he can’t or doesn’t want to do it anymore? When I got to breaking point (I also had PND) we made changes so we could be a family unit daily rather than just weekends.

Op if you're on light duties during pregnancy and home more can you have the girls more? Same for brief maternity leave and once you're home with baby.
Is your home large enough to accommodate all 3 / 4 children?
Can you afford the maintenance you're paying their Dad with another mouth to feed?
Is your partner happy to be in his own with a pretty new baby for the amount of time you'll be away?

Lets face it, you won't see much more of baby than you will girls so I think it would be easy Enough to explain to them that they're not being pushed out as long as you can do all the above

I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

Every parent feels like this when they are having another child. No matter the living situation.

I think the only way to do this would be to have your new husband to pick up some of the care of your daughters while you are working away so the parenting is more 50-50 between you and your ex.

^ why? Why would you think this would be any better? The children's father has had majority custody for a long time, why change things now. This would solve nothing and is quite frankly a stupid idea. It wouldn't give the children anymore time with their mother, just in their mothers house with their step dad.
Why does it make people feel more comfortable to have the children living with their father 70% of the time?

OP I will say I knew a woman who had to leave her son for a week at a time while she worked away. Child was absolutely fine being cared for by dad, however mum couldn't handle it and had to change the situation but then a whole week is longer than you would be away.

Why does it make people feel more comfortable

^not more comfortable, uncomfortable

Another one agog at the sexism here.

Sounds like the OP has a great, loving set-up with shared care of DDs - as a PP said, a situation way better than many families post-divorce.

The only sticking point seems to be OP feeling guilty that she doesn't see her DDs enough. Well, show me a working mother who doesn't feel that guilt? I do, and I live with my DH and DCs, but from the sounds of it, I see my DC less than the OP does as I often work seven days a week.

Honestly, OP, you know your children, your ex and your DH. If everyone is happy to do their bit and you will make the DDs feel involved - and by the sounds of it they'll see more of you on mat leave too (without unnecessarily changing the living arrangements that are working well) - then I'd go for it.

I agree with the posters saying there are some very sexist attitudes here. The ops children sound loved and cared for, and if any new children would also be loved and cared for why does it matter if it is men doing most of the child care while the woman works? It's 2018, surely we are past the idea that a woman's place is in the home.

OP, how do you think your girls would react, you know them. My situation I previously mentioned stemmed from a messy, acrimonious divorce which I imagine, changed things.

GayParee
Your father got soul custody. There obviously wasn't much your mother could do about it. Yes she could have seen you more but the OP sees her children all the time when she is home.
What was the reason for your mother not being in a stable financial situation?
There are a lot of family break ups where the mother is left struggling with children because the father leaves, doesn't provide enough for his children and the mother has been financially reliant on him while the children are young and all of a sudden is left with nothing.

You'd have to tread very carefully to avoid resentment. Is the risk worth it?

People who are claiming sexism seem to be ignoring the fact that there are countless threads where Dad is NRP, sees children in line with agreed contact (not because he would rather have focused oj his career) and then he has a baby with his new DP. There must be hundreds of replies from women saying he should see his own children more, doesn't get the reality of parenting, he's a disney dad, he's trying to play happy families with his new DP instead of caring for his existing children.

Both parents should be able to move on. However, both parents should be willing to factor in how their children may feel and reflect oj their own actions first time.round.

If the OP has 2 children and says she's been too busy with work to see them and doesn't see enough of them and has no plans to alter her job, bringing another baby into the situation does seem.silly.

Don't most parents find this out when the first child arrives? Do you suggest he borrows one for a few weeks to give it a try?

Probably exactly the same thing as if a mother decides she can't/ doesn't want to do it anymore - you change the arrangement.

The OP is proposing having another child whose primary carer will be its father. Not a trained dolphin or a performing monkey ffs. Another human being. Why so much more angst than for a first time mother?

There is a lot of sexism here, however my DH’s father left 2 children and then went onto his second family and had 2 more. It’s glaringly obvious which set of children had the time and attention and felt secure.
Their father is very low contact with his first 2 children and their relationships never recovered from the feelings of abandonment.

Lots of working mothers don't think they see enough of their children. I work part time and I think this. My dh works full time (often away during the week) and thinks it even more. It's modern life. Nothing in the OP's posts makes it sound like she doesn't see her children regularly (v regularly for a nr parent). Nothing makes her sound like a "disney mum". She just feels guilty. She's a woman and a mother, it's what most of us do.

Get yourself one of those reborn dolls.

I think that the only real answer is to talk it through with the DDs and see what they think. They may be keen on having a new sibling or hate the idea.

I agree with others, that if you are going to put your job first before your own children and are not willing to alter your ours or change a job that offers the children some stability, then please, do not have any more. Sometimes, you just can't 'have it all'. Sorry but you seem very selfish and very wrapped up in yourself and your career. You won't put a baby first, you've admitted that. I think it's better you get a cat or a goldfish. But not an innocent child.

Your job sounds like it would suit a single person, it doesn't sound at all conducive to marriage or family. Surely you can change jobs in your organisation to get some stability for your husband and for your vulnerable children? Even if it means a slightly less pay level? Or even get a completely different job altogether but near the same salary? You don't have to stick with this job.

It is a choice you have to make and from your posts, you have chosen your job over a family.

You've already made your choice, so much so that your own current children don't live with you. Why add more? You've made your choice. Having children in your current situation when you have made it abundantly clear children will always come last to your career, would be simply utterly irresponsible. As I said, get goldfish or some other (low maintenance) pet that doesn't need a lot of your time.

This thread is unfuckingbelieveable. Honestly, can some of you hear yourselves?! It's 2018, for goodness' sake. I cannot believe OP is being berated for having a career that she puts time and effort into. Millions of other working parents across the world do the same thing and nobody bats an eyelid when it's a man.

OP's children are taken care of and provided for. It just so happens that their dad is the primary caregiver and their mum is the main breadwinner.

OP, I'm so sorry you've had to hear these comments. Some of them have been disgusting. If you and your DH feel comfortable that between you, you could take care of a new baby, then there is no reason why you shouldn't have one. Like your other children, its father will be the primary caregiver. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

It's 2018, for goodness' sake. I cannot believe OP is being berated for having a career that she puts time and effort into. Millions of other working parents across the world do the same thing and nobody bats an eyelid when it's a man.
It's not about having a career.
I know lots of career women. I know lots of career men.
The bottom line is that most of them factor in the impact of their career when making decisions about their family. And none that I'm aware have been in a situation where they've got 2 existing children, are swamped with work and still away a lot and then decided adding another was a good idea.

Lots of people are determined to say that 'think about existing children before adding another' is some kind of sexist conspiracy to keep women at home. (All it takes for a male NRP to be a disney dad and be accused of playing happy families with his new GF is to have a baby with them whilst still seeing his existing children.)

I grew up with separated parents as many, many children do. My DF moved to London from Leeds when I was eight for career purposes. I saw him most weekends but definitely not every weekend. He didn’t have any more children or get married but beside the point, I didn’t see him very much compared to my Mother. This is normal for many families and has been for years yet when you reverse the sexes and it’s suddenly the Mother that’s working away, it’s wrong. Huge double standards.

The problem here for me is how unstable your hours at work are. I don’t think it’s fair to have another child purely for that reason.

Your children may resent you, but tbh, I've found that, that is more down to personality than situation.

It's all down to your DH stepping up. Only you know how likely that is.

Does he realise what a Newborn's Care entails?

Don't you get maternity Leave? How would you manage if you were to have a C-Section and complications and couldn't return to work as quick as you hoped? What if your child had disabilities/poor health, how would your DH manage?

Is he Caring towards you and does he part run the household now?

If he doesn't step up, your life could come crashing down. That's the real issue.

Your DH might not like it, but I don't think that you should wait until you are pregnant to give your ex the heads-up. Your Girls will have mixed emotions.

""It's 2018, for goodness' sake.""

That doesn't change what we expect from our Mother's. Some of it is unfair, when compared to what we expect from Fathers. But the relationship with our Mother's, hurts more, when it goes wrong.

For Girls, it often comes out when they have their First child, as well, as the Teen years.

It would be the possibility of the DH not coping and the OP having to change plans, that would worry me. other than that, the OP has treated all of her children equally, work has come first.

The problem here for me is how unstable your hours at work are. I don’t think it’s fair to have another child purely for that reason
But that's what a lot of people are alluding to.
If someone wants to keep their career as it is, openly saying 'this is the impact is has on existing children' and then wants to bring another baby into the mix, that's not fair on any of the children.

""This is normal for many families and has been for years yet when you reverse the sexes and it’s suddenly the Mother that’s working away, it’s wrong. Huge double standards.""

When it comes to Newborns and the first six months, we can't ignore the emotional need for the bonding process. Skin-to-skin works better with the Mother, because she has carried the child. It isn't double standards, it's biological, emotional and physical needs of an infant.

With older children, it's double standards, but if we start saying that Mother's don't matter, that's quite a dangerous road to go down.

Why do they need Mother and Baby facilities in Prisons. Why does Maternity Leave have to be more than six weeks, if a Mother is well. Why should a Mother of a Newborn get residency if she isn't breastfeeding. Why have mother and Baby Units and so on.

OP, do you want another Baby, or does your DH?

As Birdsgottafly said, this is NOT about sexism. This is about realism. The reality is children do need their mother. Especially in the first year - and I would argue, the teen years.

People can go on about fathers all the want, but for biological reasons and for reality, it isn't the same if it's reversed. It may sound like double standards, but that is the reality. It is what it is. It is reality, not sexism.

My partner raised two of his children because he split up with his wife and they decided he was the more secure parent. The children saw their mum at weekends and during the week.
The son was ok with this situation but the daughter hugely resents her mum and once she became a mother herself it really hit home to her what her mother has done; she just can't contemplate how a mum could have left her children.
To her it made no difference that the reason that my partner was more financially secure.