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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have more children in these circumstances?

325 replies

LightningAndLove · 22/07/2018 22:01

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

OP posts:
jarox · 23/07/2018 07:16

What about the DH feelings. If he wants a child of his own and is happy to give up that first year and do nursery/drops offs whilst you work isn't that fair?

Doesn't he deserve to have the opportunity to have a child with his wife even if that means him stepping up to the childcare?

Children need a loving family. A father can provide that just as much as the mother can!

MrSpock · 23/07/2018 07:27

I don’t see the problem?! OP is the breadwinner, her husband can care for the baby, and she sees her existing kids every weekend and in the week.

If she was a man, she’d be considered a decent dad..

Isthisit22 · 23/07/2018 07:28

People who are coming on here outraged and claiming sexism- I work with children and almost all of those who do not live with Mum are much more troubled than those who don’t live with Dad.
This may just be because it is breaking a cultural norm but it does seem to have a significant detrimental effect.

famousfour · 23/07/2018 07:36

It sounds like you have made arrangements in the best interests of your children and it sounds actually unfair to me to start changing then unless your DH and girls want this so I am not sure why this is being suggested.

I think the only issue here is whether a new baby will squeeze your time too much - since you already seem so time poor and say you don't have enough time with the two you have. Yes initially you might be at home more but once you are back in work you will need to split your disposable time three ways. The considering would be the same even if this had been your ex.

Only you know if your DDs are secure enough and how they would respond to a step sibling. Comments on that front on this thread are just speculation.

Shambu · 23/07/2018 07:38

If she was a man, she’d be considered a decent dad.

The bar is set quite low for fathers.

Research shows that 40% of fathers lose touch with their children within a few years of family breakup.

eeanne · 23/07/2018 07:38

Nothing to do with sexism - it's deeply painful for children to see their fathers create a new family he lives with, when they are only seeing him EOW. I have personally seen children badly affected by this.

So according to you, if a couple with children break up, only the custodial parent can go on to have other children, and the non-custodial parent should never have any.

Seems like a rather absurd standard to me.

AnxiousPeg · 23/07/2018 07:38

I agree that equality shouldn't mean women start indulging in the shitty post-split behaviour of men.

BUT the sexism on this thread is still appalling! The emotive language about OP 'chasing her career'! (How very dare she!)

Some posters can't understand how OP can have time for a baby to live with her but not the older girls; they simply can't compute that it's OP's husband (whisper it... a man) who is the key factor here; he provides the extra time.

I don't doubt that break-ups and new families affect children negatively. I have no experience of this.

But to keep perpetuating the idea that women must do all the primary care, and that it's different is just so depressing. Have you considered that some 'facts' are just really, really deeply ingrained societal norms?

Men make perfectly good parents, you know.

Shambu · 23/07/2018 07:38

Basically as long as fathers are in touch with their kids it's considered a a win.

Shambu · 23/07/2018 07:40

So according to you, if a couple with children break up, only the custodial parent can go on to have other children, and the non-custodial parent should never have any.

Is that I said?

Shambu · 23/07/2018 07:40

*what

RoadToRivendell · 23/07/2018 07:42

As for those claiming it's a sexist thread, there's heaps of scorn for NR fathers who take new wives and have more children while seeing their previous children only on the weekends. It's a major upset for them, how on earth could it not be?

And yes, I think the fact that the NRP is the mother rather than the father is significant. I say that as one who lived with my father after my parents divorced. It carries a special sting, sorry, it just does.

This is why blended families are just shite for kids.

AnxiousPeg · 23/07/2018 07:46

Imagine if OP were the male half of the equation, and we were hearing his wife's point of view...

My husband knew I really wanted a family when we married. Now he's having second thoughts because he feels that his existing children will start hating him. He has a great relationship with them; they pop round all the time and are really well cared for by their mum. He is busy with work, but I have said I am really happy to be primary carer for our baby. I'm worried I'll never have a family now.

Wonder what the responses would be then...

Lynne1Cat · 23/07/2018 07:54

JustForThePooStories...... My sentiments exactly!

NO, you really need to change jobs/give up work, and spend more time with your 2 children.

BarbarianMum · 23/07/2018 07:54

2018 and so many women still dont get that the default main carer for a child before or after divorce does not necessarily have to be their mum.

MyOtherProfile · 23/07/2018 07:54

Since your career is so important to you why have another child?
Would you say this to a man?

If she was a man, she’d be considered a decent dad.
This.

I know several families where the dad is the main care giver. None of them cause me any concern and the kids are doing well.

Lynne1Cat · 23/07/2018 07:58

My eldest son has 2 children who live with their mum (and her boyfriend), and when he moved in with another woman, she really wanted a child...he said he'd never have any kids when he doesn't live with his own 2 (so she left him, although they'd agreed previously about not having a baby together). So yes, the situation is often the same for men.

Shambu · 23/07/2018 08:00

Like I say the bar for fathers is set extremely low.

A significant % of men don't even stay in touch with their children when the family breaks down.

Rather than lowering the bar for mothers to the level set by some men, why not raise the bar for what's expected of men.

MrSpock · 23/07/2018 08:02

I actually don’t see anything wrong with seeing her kids at the weekend and in the week.

My parents weren’t divorced but my dad used to work away most nights and come home for the weekend. How’s that different to this?

BrownTurkey · 23/07/2018 08:03

Work out the details and make sure your dh is prepared to be as good a primary attachment figure from day 1 as your ex is now, as this is important for development if you will be away a lot.

GayParee · 23/07/2018 08:05

My dad got custody of me aged 4 when parents split up, mum was in no financial or lifestyle position to see me other than infrequently.

I have never and will never forgive her getting it together to have another baby with new husband, though I wish my brother no I'll.

Sort out your current arrangements first before having another baby, unless you can live with this (the fact you are asking makes me think you don't want to push them out)

eeanne · 23/07/2018 08:06

Shambu yes you said it's "deeply painful" for children who see their father EOW to deal with that father having new children with whom he lives.

Hence you believe that a non-custodial parent going on to have additional children is damaging. If that's not a judgement that doing so is a "bad thing" then please clarify.

FishFingerInjury · 23/07/2018 08:23

I was reading through this and pondering my thoughts when I realised, my Dad did exactly this when my parents divorced.

He has a much better relationship with his children from his second marriage. And while we get along, he’s not anywhere near as important to me as my mother is. Does that sound awful?!

He’s a great grandfather but he definitely prefers his new family and the ‘standard’ nature of that compared to the broken home one that my brother and I came from.

My brother on the other hand is really still quite affected by it all, he’s 30 and Dad and makes some very silly decisions (IMO) that I wouldn’t be surprised if they stemmed from our childhood family situation and his perceived lack of love from our Dad because we didn’t come from the perfect, standard family unit.

While my Dads wife did a bulk of the childcare while he worked away, his children from that relationship have had SO much more from him from living with him. I still don’t really feel like I know my Dad properly.

Of course OP, your situation could be completely different but I wanted to share my experiences as a child from a similar set up.

FishFingerInjury · 23/07/2018 08:29

Oh and just to add, my mother made the decision to not have anymore children with her new partner because of my brother and I.

Shambu · 23/07/2018 08:30

Hence you believe that a non-custodial parent going on to have additional children is damaging. If that's not a judgement that doing so is a "bad thing" then please clarify.

It's not a judgment it's an observation. People have to make their own choices.

I've already suggested a way forward for the OP.

MyOtherProfile · 23/07/2018 08:34

Sort out your current arrangements first before having another baby,
She already has.

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