To have more children in these circumstances?

[LightningAndLove]

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

It’s definitely sexism.

When it comes to Newborns and the first six months, we can't ignore the emotional need for the bonding process. Skin-to-skin works better with the Mother, because she has carried the child. It isn't double standards, it's biological, emotional and physical needs of an infant.

So adoptive mothers, step mothers, grandmothers who look after their grandkids full time aren’t real mothers?

I’m, for the most part, a stay at home mother and find these comments quite depressing.

Unless you're planning on changing your job in the future, I wouldn't have more children. Your current lifestyle isn't compatible with it.

I would say exactly the same to a man.

Jeez OP you've had a fairly hard time on here.

You're obviously aware that your older children could feel pushed out, but if you take steps to make as much time for them as before and involve them with their new sibling then I think it could be very rewarding for all.

You've obviously worked hard to provide for your children and have their best interests at heart by agreeing with them staying with the parent that has the most stable work /home life while seeing them as much as you can.

I think it's totally unfair that you are being judged for working hard and for working away during the week. Plenty of men do exactly this and people do not think twice about it.

As long as you make a lot of time for your older children to adjust and can still spend 1-1 time with them (with and without the baby) then I think you should go for it.

surely the main issue is that you dont have enough time for your existing children, and you want another one?
its not about them living with their father

no - thats not fair on them

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

I think your other children would feel forgotten.

And to those who haven't RTFT OP said she'd be put on a reduced schedule while pregnant and then have a mat leave.

So if she got pregnant in the short term she'd be MORE available for her children.

I find it shocking because I have had a baby of 12months and another approaching this age. The idea of them not living with me makes me feel ill. Hence why I said I FIND this shocking. I don’t have to even explain this it’s how I feel.
well try to understand this is op situation and not ur own before saying its shocking. i would do the same if at the time of split i had no stability, financially not good and with no family around to help?? how selfish would i be just because i feel 'ill' to keep my children
Whereas with the the other PARENT (for ffs not a random stranger) the children would have much better stability, his family to lookafter them when needed etc.

So if she got pregnant in the short term she'd be MORE available for her children.

Sure, and if she had 4 more she'd have 4 maternity leaves to devote to these non-resident children!

What sort of inane logic is this?

OP, I think only you can say what you mean when you say you 'don't see enough of' your daughters. If ( as I assume) you mean you don't see as much of them as you'd like, then is having another baby going to be different, or are you going to end up not seeing enough of all three children?

I think a lot of people on this thread are reading it that your daughters don't feel you see enough of them, but as they are able to pop round when they feel like it, that probably isn't the case. I wonder if that would change with a new baby? Can you make sure it doesn't? I think that's the point at which they might feel pushed out, and this might happen temporarily if, say, the baby is colicky or demanding for some other reason.

Re sexism - it's the mother who is asking this, is she being sexist? It seems reasonable and responsible to try and anticipate what changes a baby would bring before it's conceived! It's also the mother who has raised the issue of how her daughters might feel. Is she being sexist because she's anticipating a possible problem that her ex-H will have to be part of coping with?

It's a selfish decision to have a new family with a new partner, not one taken in your existing children's best interests. That's fine - people do selfish things all the time, but don't pretend it's not selfish and that it's not painful for the existing children.

@Freshfeelings

That is the biggest load of shit I have read on Mumsnet.

It sounds to me like OP has done really well to build up a career from a difficult starting position.

Sounds like you felt you had nothing financially or in terms of family support at the time of the split OP. I'm sorry you are taking a bashing for that. It sounds like you made what you felt was the best decision for your DC at the time. But it must have felt awful to feel you couldn't offer them a home like your ex could. It's a shame you didn't have support to build up something that would allow DC a more equal split of time. I feel sad for you making choices with young children in a vulnerable position.

But I am glad you have found peace with the situation because absolutely a father can be a great primary carer. Please ignore anything suggesting otherwise. You made the decision about your DC NOT your feelings and that was a very selfless incredibly loving thing to do. Creating an open door environment between two homes sounds great to me.

The comments that "I couldn't do it" are horrible. Even a parent who spends a couple of nights away from their DC as babies can feel awful about it. But sometimes it's just a necessity. Not a choice.

How is it selfish to have more children with another partner, what a ridiculous thing to say.

does your partner have a good relationship with your girls? I'm thinking they will probably want to see their new sibling a lot. would it be an open door policy for them even when you aren't there? or will be be stressed and tired and not wanting to entertain "your" children?

it sounds like you wouldn't see much of the new baby either and on the weekends because of the age gap you would either have to compromise on what you do and it may make the girls resentful or you would have to not see the baby to see your daughters or vice versa

Timeisslippingaway

In my case my mum decided it was better to up sticks and move cities to be near her student boyfriend rather than carry on earning in her job (hey own business, nothing to do with my dad) which could have supported me and her.

My dad and I eventually moved in with DSM and DSBs and they had another child, no resentment whatsoever as we were all afforded equal care and attention. My mother deciding to adult when it came to her second child and put family before herself is something I will not be able to forgive.

I do not agree, however, with all those stating the dad cannot provide a loving home, a stable loving environment can be provided by either parent and there are some lovely benefits to our relationship now (he was the first person to find out I was pregnant and then see DC1, that I rang to tell about all the DCs being born etc)

Honesty don't get why OP wants more kids.

It depends if you're doing a 'traditional role' reversal for the new children too or not.
YANBU if you're planning on having DC, your DP doing the majority of their care after the first few weeks and you just seeing them weekends or when you're back like you're happy to with your existing children.
YABVU if you'd be willing to leave your job and spend time at home/being the main carer for your new children when you've not decided to prioritise your existing children in that way.

How is it selfish to have more children with another partner, what a ridiculous thing to say.

Because 'blended' families are shite for the kids involved and she already has 2?

I think the sexism on this thread is unbelievable!

Because 'blended' families are shite for the kids involved and she already has 2?

No, they aren’t. Why would a blended family automatically be rubbish?

Yawn. More claims of sexism.

The OP says I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

It's not sexist to consider the impact of this sort of career pattern on a baby and the impact of a new baby in this situation on existing children.

I do hope everyone crying sexism will be all over threads about someone's ex husband starting a family with his new partner firmly telling anyone who cries disney dad, playing happy families etc to shut up. After all, everyone should be free to procreate when they like regardless of the impact od their choices.

I do hope everyone crying sexism will be all over threads about someone's ex husband starting a family with his new partner firmly telling anyone who cries disney dad, playing happy families etc to shut up. After all, everyone should be free to procreate when they like regardless of the impact od their choices.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having kids in a new relationship whoever does it. In this case, the kids are cared for and both parents are them.

I have no issue with OP having a job where she works away or with the exH being the main carer for the first two DC. I also have no issue with her going back to work straight away and the DP being the main carer for the new baby (although this doesn't sound like it's agreed).

But I still feel this situation would be unfair on the first two DC. The new baby will get more the OPs time because she is a resident parent. It would be very easy for the first two DC to be resentful of this.

And yes I would feel the same if the OP was a man.

That doesn't change what we expect from our Mother's. Some of it is unfair, when compared to what we expect from Fathers. But the relationship with our Mother's, hurts more, when it goes wrong.

Humongous, sexist bollocks.

Sometimes I think it's mainly women who keep women oppressed. Seriously.

MrsChollySawcutt
I agree.
It doesn't require buckets of empathy to see how the situation could unfold for the existing 2 children.