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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again - would you have the same number of children?

163 replies

Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 11:58

We have a dd 18 months. Love her dearly but I have struggled somewhat with adapting to motherhood. I miss aspects of our old lives. We have no family around so no baby sitters and I guess I just miss the freedom. Anyhow, with that said, do not in any way regret having dd and if I had my time again I'd 100% do it again.

However, really undecided about going for number 2. I know preppie say you never regret a child and I'm sure this is mostly true but I worry that whilst I wouldn't regret number 2, if asked if I had my time again, I would maybe stick at 1.

My reasons for staying 1 are mainly due to how stressful we've found the first year of dd's life and the more we have maybe the less time for ourselves.

Would just be interested to hear from people who debated going for a second/third/fourth etc and whether if you had your time again, would you do it all
again. Thanks so much..

OP posts:
stevie69 · 22/07/2018 12:03

Yes, exactly the same number Smile

starday · 22/07/2018 12:10

Depends on what you found hard ?

If I had my time again I would have 4 (currently have 3) and I would of started younger. My first was when I was 30 and in fairness we did try since i was 25.

I wasn't particularly bothered about having more than 1 or 2 and number 2&3 were happy accidents and I love it so much I can't believe it and now wish we had 4. But actually I don't find the not having time to ourselves an issue as once they are 12 you don't get much time anyway as they are always around and up.

And now eldest is more grown up you realise how short the baby years were really, they seemed the biggest thing ever at the time but really 1 or 2 years out of 18 is nothing and will soon be forgotten

BarbarianMum · 22/07/2018 12:19

I have 2, wanted 3. If I had my time again I'd have 2 again (unless there was a lot more money/energy available the second time round).

Reality is I wanted 3 children but in our circumstances could only be a good mother to 2. So 2 it is.

Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 12:20

Thanks Starday, that's a really helpful way to look at it.

I think we've just found the whole change hard. We barely fought pre-dd - then came sleeo deprivation and bickering galore! Feel like we're just getting back to the happy couple we were and worries about jeopardising it again. DH works away a lot - I manage fine with 1. I probably would with 2 too but i guess I'm a worrier. We're both late 30's and took a while to get pregnant last time hence we really need to make a decision sooner rather than later. Thanks a lot for your input.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 22/07/2018 12:23

I have four, all adored. If I had known how financially difficult it would be at some points I would have stopped at one or started a little later so I had better job opportunities.

ShanghaiDiva · 22/07/2018 12:26

I have 2.dh would have liked three, but I was 38 when dd was born and by the time I had got used to having 2 I just felt too old.
Now ds is off to university, glad we only have 2 as the expense is horrific!

DramaAlpaca · 22/07/2018 12:29

I have three close in age, now I their 20s & although it was hard at times I wouldn't change a thing.

raindropsandsunshine · 22/07/2018 12:29

We have two, it's absolutely lovely. I think I'd have had another though, I had always wanted three. I'd just have started a bit earlier.

Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 12:31

Thanks everyone. Money and energy definitely a recurring theme!

Really helpful to hear everyone's thoughts. Would hate to regret not having a second plus the age old guilt about not having a sibling (and I know before anyone says it that there's no guarantee they would get on!!)

Thanks again

OP posts:
JustlikeDevon · 22/07/2018 12:32

I have 1. Never had another as had a mc and didn't want to try again.
If I had 2 I would have regretted it hugely. Crippling pnd, got divorced and have zero child maintenance of support network. One is more than I can manage some days. If I did it all again, I don't know now that od have any, im just not cut out for it.

Frogsareawesome · 22/07/2018 12:32

I had 3 in 4 years and wouldn't change a thing although it has been incredibly hard work. Just starting to come out the other side now my youngest is 3. I think with one your life doesn't haven't to change that much but with two it does and you need a strong marriage to survive it, especially if you're o on your own a lot of the time.

Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 12:33

What age are your 2 raindropsandsinshine? Did you find that they were good company for each other? Hope you don't mind me asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 12:36

I think your frogsareawesome. It wasn't until we had dd we realised how poorly we both coped under stress (took it out on each other!) maybe we'd be a bit more aware if we were to go through it again. Thanks for your input, really helpful.

OP posts:
starday · 22/07/2018 12:39

Relationships change when you have children and it's hard to stay strong as a couple. I was prepared to walk away after number two as our relationship was non existent and we had a really difficult couple of years, until I got pregnant again and I can honestly say our relationship is better than pre kids.

You need to stay open and honest with each other and focus on the long term. If your on the same page about how you parent and what you want as a family it makes a massive difference. I'm really lucky as we both share childcare / house work, we enjoy doing the same things at weekends as a family, lover both love the chaos etc, but that's not what everyone wants. Our relationship has gone from terrible to really good as we are alway there for each other. We also try to spend time on our own, maybe only twice a year to go on a proper nice date or stay away and it means a lot to us. Also going out on our own, I've make a point of going to a class once or twice a week and seeing friends once a month. My oh goes to the pub with some friends every couple of weeks which we never did before and it just makes us feel more normal not just parents.

Personally I would go for 2 as it's nice for children to have a sibling and helps on holidays etc to have someone for them to be with. School holidays can be quite long and lonely with no siblings

MarieMorgan · 22/07/2018 12:42

Had 3 but with big age gaps - fertility problems. Would have been happy to gave 4 and used to wish they were closer in age but now they are older it's fab to have one at primary, one at uni and one married with baby. Keeps life interesting! And they do really get on well too. The baby, toddler years are hard as people mention above but they are just a small part of parenting really although seems to last forever at the time!

jamoncrumpets · 22/07/2018 12:43

Just had my second and yes, it is more work BUT it's no more terrifying/stressful than having my first. I'm much less precious about DC2 and have no issues sleeping when they do. My mantra is 'Oh, DC2'll be FINE' - I'm sure of myself and the decisions that I make for them.

Tbh DC1 is way more demanding as they are nearly 4 and have ASD, a newborn is a doddle in comparison!

Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 12:46

Thanks a lot Starday, great advice and much appreciated.

OP posts:
FlurkenSchnit · 22/07/2018 12:51

I always wanted 3 for some reason and I have 4. There are 10.5 years between my oldest and youngest and I sometimes think that that is too big of a gap....there is a tiny gap of just under 11 months between my middle 2 and I think that that is too small of a gap!
My youngest 3 are really, really hard work - stubborn, wilful, never listen and they all argue and physically fight constantly. With that in mind together with the increased financial pressures of a large family, I definitely think that given my time again, I would stop at 1 maybe 2 at the most.
I love my DC to bits but the constant bickering/fighting/arguing/answering back every minute of every day just grinds me down Sad

BakerBear · 22/07/2018 12:55

I would still have two but i would of started later (had 1st at 25) and i would of had them much closer together (currently 4.5 year age gap)

GoatWithACoat · 22/07/2018 12:58

That’s a really tricky question. I have 4 but the last was a happy surprise. I couldn’t imagine life without any of them, because I know them and love them.

But 4 in our circumstances isn’t ideal.

You’re right, you never regret a child because the love takes over.

Andcake · 22/07/2018 13:02

I would have had more have 1. Party due to infertility which would not have been an issue if started earlier.

TBH knowing what I know know I would have up duffed with whoever and had 4.

I also think the first 3 years are hard at 5 and beginning of summer hols I worry about long lonely summers

Yogagirl123 · 22/07/2018 13:04

We have two DS’, if we could do it all again, we would. Hard work when they were younger as we had a small gap 21months. But wonderful now, they are such good friends and really lovely young people, their personalities and interests are totally opposite.

I agree it does change your relationship with your partner, we have never lost sight of being a couple, regular date nights etc. Eventually you will be a couple again and you need to maintain the closeness. We can’t be doing too bad, silver wedding next year!

If I had known how lovely it is to be a mum I think we would have started earlier and perhaps had 3 or maybe four! But we are truly blessed to have our two amazing sons who are now 17 & 15.

HazelBite · 22/07/2018 13:08

I had 4 (all boys) Had two then was desperate for a daughter. My one girl turned out to be twin boys!
The two youngest were incredibly hard work for years (and still are!).
In retrospect financially and time wise my life would have been much easier if we had stopped at two.
However DH (who was horrified at the thoght of two babies and incredibly grumpy throughout the whole pregnancy) really became super dad when the two youngest arrived and became much more involved with all his DC's.
Also once we had the $ our relationship became much stronger as we really had to pull together as a couple as times for the first 5 years of the twins lives were incredibly difficult.

BellMcEnd · 22/07/2018 13:08

I have 3 age 11, 8 and 5. Some days I wish I’d stuck with cats and had none, some days I wish I had 5. Depends on how they’ve behaved Grin

User183737 · 22/07/2018 13:09

People regret children all the time, but feel unable to admit to it. I think that babies can ruin lives, particularly relationships. It is low conditions for little pay. Love is supposed to be enough. Well it is and isnt. Childrearing can be harsh, much different from the romanticisation of a very difficult reality. Id have had more but my exH was a bastard and i regused to have babies to more than one dad-not for me-so i was left with what i had. But i have sacrificed friends, a partner, hobbies and so on. In that case yes you can not resent kids. But many do. I have at times.