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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again - would you have the same number of children?

163 replies

Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 11:58

We have a dd 18 months. Love her dearly but I have struggled somewhat with adapting to motherhood. I miss aspects of our old lives. We have no family around so no baby sitters and I guess I just miss the freedom. Anyhow, with that said, do not in any way regret having dd and if I had my time again I'd 100% do it again.

However, really undecided about going for number 2. I know preppie say you never regret a child and I'm sure this is mostly true but I worry that whilst I wouldn't regret number 2, if asked if I had my time again, I would maybe stick at 1.

My reasons for staying 1 are mainly due to how stressful we've found the first year of dd's life and the more we have maybe the less time for ourselves.

Would just be interested to hear from people who debated going for a second/third/fourth etc and whether if you had your time again, would you do it all
again. Thanks so much..

OP posts:
SerialThriller · 22/07/2018 21:41

Yes he has cousins who he's very close to.

The upside is that we have a very close relationship (I'm also a single parent now so we're closer now than before because of that too). I do look at his friends who have siblings and think at times he does miss out. Tough decision either way I know

funinthesun18 · 22/07/2018 21:45

I have 3 and 31 weeks pregnant with number 4. Now that my children are here I just can’t imagine life without each one so I’d still have the same amount even though it’s hard. I don’t doubt that life would be so much easier with just 1 or 2 though.

MyDcAreMarvel · 22/07/2018 21:46

I have seven, would like one more. I would t change anything.

Liffydee · 22/07/2018 21:49

I have 1 and 1 is enough.

Being a mother hasn’t come naturally to me, she’s 13 months now and I’m still finding my way, although I think this is actually very common just rarely admitted to. I don’t regret her at all but I know I don’t want any more.

Snowysky20009 · 22/07/2018 21:52

Have 2 wanted at least 4.
First at 19 and second at 25. If I had my time over I would have had 2 more between those ages, but would 100% still have had my first at 19. Started uni when he was 2 months old and went on to have a successful career. The only downside is I am now disabled from an accident and have been diagnosed with bipolar. However we still manage, and there are others in a worse position than me so I can't complain!

Franzipanny11 · 22/07/2018 21:54

OP - it’s not your sole duty to provide the extended family with a ‘brood’. As another poster said, go with your gut. I have 2 wonderful (adult now) boys, wanted 3 but got a dog instead when I realised that my ‘never there’ exh was never going to be there. If your DH works away a lot and you don’t have family support nearby, think very carefully.

HurricaneHalle · 22/07/2018 22:02

I would have started younger (had my third at just shy of 40) and would have liked 4 maybe even 5 but we are now done at 3.

cadburyegg · 22/07/2018 22:03

I wanted 2 and have 2. I’d actually like a 3rd but we are stopping at 2 for various reasons.

I couldn’t think about having another when my DS1 was only 18 months. We have a 3 year age gap. I’ve found the jump from 1-2 much easier than 0-1, which for me was horrifying. I feel guilty admitting it but I’m enjoying maternity leave much more the second time round. Having DS2 was the best decision, the relationship between them both is lovely, he is also a very easy baby at the moment which helps!

dementedma · 22/07/2018 22:04

vladimirs
1 planned, 2 unplanned.

contraception doesnt always work

dementedma · 22/07/2018 22:05

posted too soon. meant to add was sterilised after the third

WaitingForSunday17 · 22/07/2018 22:07

I just find that most people will tell you it’s tough but ‘it’s all worth it’ whereas personally I don’t find it all worth it. Yes there are brief moments of happiness and I love my children but the worry and anxiety and stress and relentlessness of it all for me far outweigh any of the supposed ‘good’ points.
The people I know who are child free by choice are the happiest people I know. Not people who wanted them and couldn’t have them - that is very different to making a choice.
I’m strongly advising my children, and in particular my daughter, not to have any children of their own or just to have one. I feel it’s the best advice I can give to them.

YorkieDorkie · 22/07/2018 22:07

I have two and always thought I wanted three. We have such a better lifestyle than we would have with three - no regrets here!

Bezm · 22/07/2018 22:14

I had one at 25 and another at 34 with second husband. Always planned to have 4( I came from a family of five sibling
I do Sometimes wonder what life would have been like if we had had more but circumstances made us stick at two. Now my youngest is the same age I was when I had my first, both gone through uni, both have great jobs, and my husband and I have found a new lease of life. I realise that you need to decide what sort of life you want, no money, no free time, exhaustion?

ModreB · 22/07/2018 22:16

I have 3, and I would have had at least 5, if not more if non-related health issues hadn't stopped it.

The funny thing is, I'm not good with other peoples children, but would spend hours with my own doing activities.

DH was the eldest of 5, and I was an only.

elQuintoConyo · 22/07/2018 22:41

Have one, wouldn't change it. He is ace at playing alone. See friends frequently, cousins not so much (he has 6 in a 3-mile radius, but very odd parents Grin so we don't meet often).

Birth was horrendous, he is 6.5yo and i still haven't recovered physically. He had colic until 5mo, crying 6pm-midnight daily. He walked before 9mo and HAS NOT STOPPED RUNNING. Total Duracell bunny with a million questions. Delightful but exhausting. Also no family help (re: aforementioned weird family, all DH's side!).

He has not once asked for a sibling. Not once. He dotes on his best friend's 1yo sister, it is very cute. We have a dog who is besotted with DS and vice versa.

Having another would be a very big mistake for all of us.

Twotinydictators · 22/07/2018 22:42

DD1 was and still is an angel - well behaved and generally a joy to be around. She is beyond her years (6) but I was an off the rails teenager so I do wonder if that precociousness will be back to bite me when the teenager years hit and parenting her will be much tougher. But so far, she is genuinely amazing. DS2(2) is far more like me as a child - generally hard work, stubborn, always right, willful etc. He didn't sleep properly through the night until he was over 2 either so it's been a much tougher ride this time round. Basically, you don't really know what temperament your child will have, if they'll sleep well etc. so each one is a bit of a gamble imo.

I love both dearly though but if I'm honest I have thought what life would be like for my DD if we'd just had her. A lot of attention is taken away from her because DS is demanding and I'm knackered and frazzled a lot of the time! But I think they probably all go through stages of being easier or more difficult than the other and I'm sure hopeful DS will get easier in time. They do sometimes play well together and they love each other very much so it's not all negative. I wouldn't say I've regretted him though and probably would have two again - definitely no more though!

WithTwoGiantBoys · 22/07/2018 22:42

I wanted three, my husband didn't really want any but agreed to two. I will always regret not having a third and always slightly resent him for refusing.

faeriequeen · 22/07/2018 22:52

Id have loved four, but we just have one ivf miracle.

OwlinaTree · 23/07/2018 06:45

I've got two, I'm fine with that. I could have been talked into a third if DH wanted another but he doesn't so I'm ok with that.

I would still have children, but have them slightly younger and maybe more if money was no issue!

DinosApple · 23/07/2018 07:11

I'm happy with the two we have, so yes two again. I'd stick with the same age gap too, 17 months.

0-1 I found very difficult. 1-2 was easy because I knew what to expect.

Jengnr · 23/07/2018 08:02

We have two and I’m happy with that.

I maybe would have liked three had I been younger but three is a gamechanger imo - you’re outnumbered, everything is geared to families of four so financially it’s more challenging and there’s much more scope for arguing, one being left out, etc. We also get to go away with our friends or, very occasionally, together, which would be more difficult with three.

I’m very happy with my lot, my two are a joy and if I had my time again I’d have 2.

Bossyboots88 · 23/07/2018 08:24

I have 4. If I could do it again I would still have 4 but would of had them closer together.

Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 23/07/2018 08:29

@Jengnr - that's so lovely - what's your age gap?

OP posts:
Jengnr · 23/07/2018 08:55

@fivefootoffun One is 5 the other almost 3. They get on well most of the time :)

HurricaneHalle · 23/07/2018 09:07

When the days are tough and trust me there are many of those with the three we have I focus on the future and how hopefully they will still be close when they are adults with their own families. Be great when they visit us when we are old and grey. Ours are quite close in age which is beyond exhausting now but at least we are coming out of the baby/toddler years now and I'm happily accepting that we are done with adding to our family. I don't think my poor body could take another pregnancy. The third one seemed to have put me through the wringer but perhaps that's due to my age and already exhausted bod!