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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you had your time again - would you have the same number of children?

163 replies

Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 11:58

We have a dd 18 months. Love her dearly but I have struggled somewhat with adapting to motherhood. I miss aspects of our old lives. We have no family around so no baby sitters and I guess I just miss the freedom. Anyhow, with that said, do not in any way regret having dd and if I had my time again I'd 100% do it again.

However, really undecided about going for number 2. I know preppie say you never regret a child and I'm sure this is mostly true but I worry that whilst I wouldn't regret number 2, if asked if I had my time again, I would maybe stick at 1.

My reasons for staying 1 are mainly due to how stressful we've found the first year of dd's life and the more we have maybe the less time for ourselves.

Would just be interested to hear from people who debated going for a second/third/fourth etc and whether if you had your time again, would you do it all
again. Thanks so much..

OP posts:

SugarIsAmazing · 22/07/2018 15:43

Close age gaps are the best. I had three under 2.5 at one stage and it was much easier than trying to stop a toddler annoying the older sibling which is what happened with my next three.

user1487194234 · 22/07/2018 15:50

Had 2
That's what I wanted and would have again
Have been with my DH for 30 years and we fought more in the 1st year post baby than in all the other 29 combined!

WaitingForSunday17 · 22/07/2018 15:51

I think you can regret your children.
I have two and if I had my time again I wouldn’t have any.
Every morning when I open my eyes the first thing that hits me is huge waves of regret and horror that there’s no way out. I have to do my best for them, they didn’t ask to be here. But personally I find motherhood horrific probably 90% of the time.

If you are happy with one stick at one. One is certainly easier than two.

SugarIsAmazing · 22/07/2018 15:59

How old are your children @WaitingForSunday 17? Horrific is a strong word for parenting two children which bits do you struggle with?

Mol1628 · 22/07/2018 16:03

Waitingforsunday I really struggle too.
Mine are 5 and 3.
I get the wave of regret on waking up. I really really do. And also the sickening guilt that goes along with it. Fun.

LyndseyKola · 22/07/2018 16:04

know preppie say you never regret a child

These people are patently untrue.

In one of the roles I used to do I was privy to a fair number of parents who acknowledged that they deeply regretted having their child or children. You just don’t hear from those people day to day because there’s such a massive stigma against admitting it. So people stay quiet and everyone continues to believe nobody regrets their kids. So people who are on the fence go ahead, because they won’t regret it right? And then when they do regret it, they keep quiet. And the cycle continues. It’s not uncommon at all.

Listen to your gut.

LyndseyKola · 22/07/2018 16:05

I meant what they’re saying is patently untrue sorry. Not that the people are themselves.

You only have to look at the number of kids in care who’ve been borne to parents who were ill equipped and resentful to see not everyone who has a child goes on to never regret that decision.

NotAnotherHeffalump · 22/07/2018 16:07

We have 3 aged 9,3 and 2. I'd like 4+. Had a miscarriage earlier in the year and was devastated. DH and i are considering adoption now. In for a penny, In for a pound. I love being a mum, although sometimes it can be draining, frustrating, exhausting! I find spending so much time, money and energy on the kids only makes me appreciate the (rare) times DH and I get away by ourselves for wee breaks or date nights.

I don't really feel like I'm waiting for the kids to grow older so I can "get my life back", as some PP have said, I feel like this is what I'm doing with my life right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

MuddyForestWalks · 22/07/2018 16:08

I wanted 2 (Am 1 of 2 myself). I have 2, about 2 and a half years apart. I am happy with that. Looking a tiny babies now leaves me a bit cold so I am definitely finished.

BonnieF · 22/07/2018 16:08

I’m child-free by choice, and the answer to the question is a very definite Yes.

YeahILoveSummer · 22/07/2018 16:26

I have one. I was nearly 39 and whenever I went to any baby groups I was always the oldest there. I would have liked another one but age, money and other circumstances prevented it. I am completely happy with 1 child occasionally he will ask for a brother

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/07/2018 18:19

Quite happy with this number although there are times when I regret having any kids at all.

Almostfifty · 22/07/2018 18:31

I wanted four, and had four. Very hard work for the first couple of years, but so worth it. They're all grown up now and fabulous.

ThatsYouThatIs · 22/07/2018 19:18

I have two and if I had my time again would have none.

DC1 was a fairly easy baby and child although the teenage years have been hard. DC2 was a very demanding baby and still needs a high level of attention at 9. Going from 1 to 2 was as big a jump for me as going from 0 to 1. There is a seven year age gap and they don't really keep each other company; it's like having two only children in a lot of ways.

I am permanently exhausted and find life a struggle but I have always had MH problems which is probably the root cause of this.

DC1 has similar MH problems and I've spoken to them about how difficult parenting can be as I don't think it would be a good idea for them to ever have children.

I do love my children and don't regret having them but I know that being a mother has not come very naturally to me and they have likely suffered because of this. I should have listened to 12 year old me when she declared she would never have children!

AveAtqueVale · 22/07/2018 19:49

I have two and slightly want a third. DS2 is only 1 though so probably not for a couple of years. I do sometimes wonder slightly wistfully what life would be life if I hadn’t had them yet. I’m only 28 and know hardly anyone else my age who has had kids, and in an ideal world we probably wouldn’t have started ttc until I was around 30. But having had the happy accident that was DS1, we decided we may as well crack on. I also sometimes wonder if we should have stopped at one, but then I think I’d have got horribly broody when he was about 10 and we’d have ended up going back to the baby stage after a decade which is a horrifying thought. If we have another it will need to be before DS2 gets too much easier and I scent freedom on the horizon .

SerialThriller · 22/07/2018 20:26

Yes. I have 1 - nearly had 2 and I am so glad I didn't. I adopted however so if I'd applied for a two children I'd have never met my son so it's a slightly different scenario.

Having said that, I do wonder if 2 would have been easier sometimes as they'd have someone to play with but suspect that's just a myth!!

AliTheMinx · 22/07/2018 20:31

I have one and only ever wanted one (even though DH has 3 siblings). I am an only child and really enjoy it, and stopping at one means we are able to afford a better lifestyle for our DS. I also had a very traumatic birth, so having another one (or even sex!) is out of the question!

Original poster

Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 20:39

Thanks everyone - really appreciate all the input.

@LyndseyKola - thanks for this - it's good to know and your right about listening to our guts. Thank you.

&Alitheminx - did you have cousins growing up/does your son? We've no family around and it's my DH's main drive as to why we should be giving DD a sibling!

OP posts:

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 22/07/2018 20:41

I've never had family near. Had my first at 22, last at 37. Given out time again we'd have more (we have four) and closer together.

dementedma · 22/07/2018 20:44

i have 3. if I had my time over I wouldn't have any.
I would have done more with my life

VladmirsPoutine · 22/07/2018 20:47

@dementedma I'm not able to phrase this without coming across facetiously but if that's the case then why have had 3? Surely you'd have stopped at 1?

missmouse101 · 22/07/2018 20:47

I have two and would have none if I had my time again. I hate the massive responsibility and the likelihood that I'm probably buggering up two lives. I'm not cut out for motherhood.

Montsti · 22/07/2018 20:53

I wanted 4 and have been very lucky to have 4...8, 6, 3 & 10 months..

I found going from 0-1 child by far the most difficult transition as it completely changed our lives...the easiest has been going from 3-4 but we’re definitely stopping at 4! I also struggle with the baby stage/lack of sleep etc...but really enjoyed the kids from 2 (my girls) and 3 (my son). 1st 6 months always very difficult but none of mine slept well...

Original poster

Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 21:23

@SerialThriller - it's the first thing people always tell me when I mention not being sure about another"ohhh but they'll be company for each other!". Does your little one have cousins? We have no other family (dd only grandchild both sides) and this is really my DH's main drive for number 2.

OP posts:

tbear101 · 22/07/2018 21:31

My oldest is 4, I'm expecting my third. If I could go back I'd have none.

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