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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again - would you have the same number of children?

163 replies

Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 11:58

We have a dd 18 months. Love her dearly but I have struggled somewhat with adapting to motherhood. I miss aspects of our old lives. We have no family around so no baby sitters and I guess I just miss the freedom. Anyhow, with that said, do not in any way regret having dd and if I had my time again I'd 100% do it again.

However, really undecided about going for number 2. I know preppie say you never regret a child and I'm sure this is mostly true but I worry that whilst I wouldn't regret number 2, if asked if I had my time again, I would maybe stick at 1.

My reasons for staying 1 are mainly due to how stressful we've found the first year of dd's life and the more we have maybe the less time for ourselves.

Would just be interested to hear from people who debated going for a second/third/fourth etc and whether if you had your time again, would you do it all
again. Thanks so much..

OP posts:
Zintox · 22/07/2018 13:11

I have two. I wanted three. I wish I'd stopped at one.

Both of mine have special needs and are very hard work in different ways. I am permanently exhausted and firefighting.

SugarIsAmazing · 22/07/2018 13:11

I have six as I loved the baby stage. It's the ages between 5 and 10 which are tedious.
I was pregnant before I realised how babies were made but would probably had had a couple more had my husband and I not split up.
My current partner has had a vasectomy so no more babies for me, mind you I'm too old now anyway (38)

Greyhorses · 22/07/2018 13:12

I wanted 2 but have found 1 such a struggle mentally that I don’t think I can face another!

Summersup · 22/07/2018 13:14

I don't regret my two in the slightest, nor the number. No regrets at all. I do know a couple of people who found the baby/toddler years so awful they regretted it then, but not once the children were all grown up as they are able to do the things- hobbies, going out, being adult, that they felt were compromised by children. My children didn't compromise those things massively and I never wanted to travel anyway, so I have no reason to regret anything and every reason to have enjoyed having two. Perfect number for me, played together. I don't think having a more chaotic household with more than two would have been for me.

CocoLoco87 · 22/07/2018 13:17

I have 2 but would definitely like 3 or maybe 4. I have a few friends with 3 and they all say don't have a 3rd. It's really irritating though as I've never asked their opinion on this! They say a 3rd ruins everything Hmm but I think a lot of that is to do with how much the parents pull together as a team and also depends on the disposition of your children!

iveburntthetoast · 22/07/2018 13:19

I have two DDs and would do so again. That’s a big thing as I had PND after DD2. This morphed into bipolar and— 8 years later—I’ve never recovered. I’ve had more admissions than I can count. It has massively affected my career (bipolar, not so much the children), and had a huge knock on affect with finances. But I figure that the bipolar could still have emerged without having a second baby, and I genuinely don’t regret it, but I never, ever imagined how my life would be, nor did I understand how devastating mental illness can be.

Having a second is really hard work, but now they’re older (8 & 11), it’s so much easier. I didn’t enjoy the baby/toddler stage with either child. But I love the age they’re at now.

thecatneuterer · 22/07/2018 13:21

Yes, still zero.

stringsthatsing · 22/07/2018 13:21

We had one - she'll be leaving school in a couple of years. I found the whole baby thing a nightmare TBH & was really relieved when she got to an age where she could communicate! Benefits of one...
we've both managed to continue to be musicians as one will happily sit & read whilst we rehearse - 2 would just wind each other up
We've had more money & time to support DD's interests to the highest level. Having a musician child & a non musician sibling would have been impossible
We've had the time & energy to find the right education for dd
Dd enjoys the freedom of being an only
We had her young enough that we will be starting to wind down careerwise at 50 so will hopefully have the time & money to invest in our other interests
Dd would say she has enjoyed being an only - she's rarely bored & gets much more freedom & choice than I remember having as one of 2!

Ellie56 · 22/07/2018 13:21

I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if we'd stuck at one.

The younger two had so many problems as children they were exhausting. Even now we still have to do a lot for our youngest, who has autism and is now 23. He is still so vulnerable I worry about what will happen to him when we have gone.

But I love them all dearly.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/07/2018 13:23

I'd have had the same number (five) but with less of a dick of a DH. They're all grown up now and sensible, but bringing up five as a LP was something of a challenge!

MisstoMrs · 22/07/2018 13:36

Following with interest.

Had a horrendous pregnancy (HG), birth (forceps, PPPE, seizures, surgery 18 months later to correct internal damage, incontient / unable to have sex for 18 months, birth mismanaged to the point of being turned into a university lecture on how not to do it), husband had PTSD, DS had undiagnosed cranial issues and dietry problems so screamed for first 5 months, almost non- stop, husband withdrew and couldn’t support or look after either of us because of PTSD, no family nearby / in laws refused to help because DS was too screamy. All this looms large as to why not to have another... I’m also starting to feel older (mid 30s).

But I still worry I’ll regret it. I was keen in the Spring but DH shit me down and I now I worry I’m getting passed wanting to. We’re justvgetting into a good place with DS. But when I picture us I see 4 - DH, me, DS and DD.

How can you ever know?

Mol1628 · 22/07/2018 13:38

I wish I had zero most days!

Otherwise I’d choose two over just one because they play with each other and their relationship together is lovely to see. And having two really isn’t harder than having one. All the major changes to life (no sleep no freedom etc) have already happened.

MisstoMrs · 22/07/2018 13:41

@strings like you I like the idea of winding down by 50 Grin

MisstoMrs · 22/07/2018 13:42

Sometimes mine drives me to the end if my tether. Although rarely these days. Other mums expecting their second day the same but I don’t see how they can mean it and honestly think they should have more? I feel terrible if I snap at DS and surely that must happen more if you’re sleep deprived and juggling a new baby?

ElspethFlashman · 22/07/2018 13:53

I have 2, would probably have had a third if younger.

But Im glad I didn't stop at 1, as they play together and don't get as bored. I don't have to be entertaining them the whole time. You can just throw them out into the garden and they'll make up some game.

And everyone says 3 is much harder than 2, so maybe it's just as well.

The first 3 years were grim. Two under two is hard, I had PND, it was really shit.

But time passes. It gets a lot easier. I realise I'm lucky they're neurotypical though.

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2018 13:55

If I had my time again I’d push for the vital symptoms that indicated what caused irreversible secondary infertility to not be missed.

I wanted 3. I have 1.

mindutopia · 22/07/2018 14:00

We have two and we’re very happy with that number. We’ve always wanted two with a large age gap (5 years pretty much exactly between them), but we are absolutely sure (and always have been) that we don’t want a third. I wouldn’t have sex with my dh again until my coil went back in and it’s in there until I’m 48!

I don’t think it’s possible to really regret a child, but it’s possible to resent them and the timing if not well thought out. But you’re baby is only 18 months. No way I was ready yet then. We also have no family help. It’s all 100% us all the time. We really needed a few years of sleep first and some time to ourselves again after the baby stage before we were ready to do it all over again. But we were definitely happy with our choice when the time was right.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/07/2018 14:01

I wanted 4,DH wanted 2, we have 3.

With retrospect life would have been a lot easier with 2. They’re all good kids but I find it all quite hard work. Thank God I couldn’t persuade DH to go for number 4 (I was very sad about that at the time).

I wouldn’t have wanted 0, 1 or 4+.

2 would have been ideal, 3 is fine but I have found it harder work than I thought that one extra child would be.

0lgaDaPolga · 22/07/2018 14:06

Following with interest. I had a not great pregnancy followed by an awful birth with ds1. Found the first 6 months of his life pretty hellish. It’s only getting a little easier now he is 1. I was not sure at all whether I’d be able to go through it all again and have a second. I decided I would regret not having a second and dh was really keen for at least 1 more so we started not trying not preventing, and ended up getting pregnant right away. I’m now 21 weeks and very happy to be having my second but I do have worries about how the birth will be, how I will cope with 2 under 2. I’ve come to the conclusion I am not great with the baby stage but I am loving being with my son now he is that bit older so I just have to get through the hard bit at the beginning and will enjoy it more when they are both older.

Hedgehog80 · 22/07/2018 14:10

Yes definitely. I have 5. Having my youngest took 4 years of various treatments and I met with a lot of opposition and various people thought I shouldn’t. I’m so glad I had him though he’s absolutely amazing and we are very happy

notangelinajolie · 22/07/2018 14:16

I had 3 and wanted more but had to stop at 3 for medical reasons. There is a gap between my eldest 2 and my youngest and I feel bad for her sometimes because she missed out on having a sibling closer in age to grow up with. She has said to me that sometimes she felt like the odd one out ☹️

VladmirsPoutine · 22/07/2018 14:16

I always thought if you go past 2 then all bets are off and you might as well crack on.

Abouttime1978 · 22/07/2018 14:32

I have 3 kids aged 5, 4 and 1.

I had three horrendous pregnancies but two easy recoveries from giving birth.

The third baby has caused a lot of damage! Split abdominals and my thyroid took a nose dive. 15 months in and I'm only just beginning to take Tiny steps to get better.

I'm also fed up of the baby stage.

Everything gets easier when they hit 2, and then again when they go to school.

Right now I feel that 3 has stretched me to the limit of my mental sanity, and maybe we should have stuck at 2.

BUT, I know that in 7 months time things will get easier and they'll need less constant supervision and they become more independent.

So I think in the long term 3 will be the right number, once we get past the baby stage.

My older two fight a lot but also play together a lot, so I'm very glad I had more than 1.

Bumble1830 · 22/07/2018 15:13

I have 2, 11 years between them, I would have still had 2, but closer together. Can't decide if I would've had the 1st later or the 2nd earlier though.

FatToni · 22/07/2018 15:29

We have 3, aged 10,8 and 1. Our older ds's love ds3 but it did put parts of their lives on hold (stuff like not going abroad or family camping last summer as we had a tiny baby...me not being able to watch all their football matches as I couldn't have the baby on a field in the rain).

We would have liked 4...would still like 4...but feel it would be really unfair on ds1 and 2 to go through another year of having a tiny baby restricting what we can all do.

So we're stopping at 3. If I had the chance again we'd have four, with a close age gap.