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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again - would you have the same number of children?

163 replies

Fivefootoffun · 22/07/2018 11:58

We have a dd 18 months. Love her dearly but I have struggled somewhat with adapting to motherhood. I miss aspects of our old lives. We have no family around so no baby sitters and I guess I just miss the freedom. Anyhow, with that said, do not in any way regret having dd and if I had my time again I'd 100% do it again.

However, really undecided about going for number 2. I know preppie say you never regret a child and I'm sure this is mostly true but I worry that whilst I wouldn't regret number 2, if asked if I had my time again, I would maybe stick at 1.

My reasons for staying 1 are mainly due to how stressful we've found the first year of dd's life and the more we have maybe the less time for ourselves.

Would just be interested to hear from people who debated going for a second/third/fourth etc and whether if you had your time again, would you do it all
again. Thanks so much..

OP posts:
TheBestSpoon · 23/07/2018 09:21

From the perspective of an only child, I'd definitely not have a second just to keep the first company if you're not sure it's right for all three of you. We had no family near, but my parents made sure I had plenty of playdates / went to summer clubs etc and I had a fabulous and very happy childhood with lots of friends. I have a very strong memory of being at my best friend's house aged about 7 watching her argue with her brother and being so glad I didn't have that!

Saying that, my parents didn't plan just one and personally we're planning for two (pregnant with DC1 ATM), but if it doesn't work out that way and we just have one, I won't be upset at all.

KnitFastDieWarm · 23/07/2018 09:28

I have one aged almost three and will be stopping with one. Perfect family for us, feel we can be good, attentive parents to our DS while still both having careers/social lives etc, and he’s surrounded by friends and cousins so is never lonely. The only reason I would have another child would be to provide him with a sibling and I don’t think that’s a good enough reason on its own to create a human life, personally.
I think unless you have a boy and a girl 2.5 years apart people will offer their unsolicited opinions on your family set up Grin

WaitingForSunday17 · 23/07/2018 10:00

I’m an only child and honestly it was awesome.
I do think only children have advantages children with siblings do not.
I think there will be more and more only children too. It was rare ish when I was little but in ds’s class of 24 children there are 6 without any siblings.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2018 10:01

@TheBestSpoon and @WaitingforSunday17

Thank you for posting such positive comments about being an only child. I have one, not through choice and it can be really hard to get worn down by hearing all the negatives Flowers

Groovee · 23/07/2018 10:11

Yes I would have 2. I always wanted 3 til I had 2!

Babysharkdoodoodoo · 23/07/2018 10:25

Tough question but no I wouldn't change anything. I have 3. I do see how much easier my life would be now with just the older 2 as they can pretty much look after themselves. My youngest is 2 so we kind of started again. Once they get to 5/6 I find them so much easier. Also finances are very stretched. Holidays bigger car etc. And the last night out I had with my husband was over a year ago. These are the hard years but no I don't regret any of them and I know it will get easier. until they're teenagers

Minisoksmakehardwork · 23/07/2018 10:37

We have 4 dc. Baby number 3 turned out to to 3&4. When the twins arrived ds1 was 6 weeks off being 2 and dd1 8 weeks off being 4. The twins first year was bloody hard work. 3 dc in nappies, toddler tantrums and sleepless nights.

But babies are squishy and cuddly. Toddlers say and do things which melt your heart and even the tough times are soon forgotten.

Mine are all older - youngest 6, oldest 10. And there's a new set of challenges.

I guess it depends on what you want out of life. I have friends with only children who are able to give that one child their full time and attention, holidays haven't changed too much for them and they have available funds so if their child wants to take up music, sports, hobbies, they can do all the ones they want, whereas we restrict ours to 2 groups each otherwise we'd be driving ourselves crazy juggling routines to make everything work.

Those with only children don't seem to be recluses. The children have a wide social life so they don't miss out on not having siblings. I'm pretty sure mine all wish at times that they could have some truly alone time.

Siblings learn to live with other people, learn cooperation and compromise. But single children will learn this through friendships and so on.

If I had my time again I would go for a bigger age gap. I feel 4 children in 4 years means they have all missed out on things.

TheBestSpoon · 23/07/2018 10:52

@jacqueshammer Yes, I'm sure there are downsides and exactly what they are will depend on each child and family situation, but for me the additional financial and emotional resources my parents were able to spend on me as an only child outweighed the potential benefits (and downsides!) of a sibling.

Some PPs have mentioned being bored in holidays etc, but I think I'd have been far more bored cooped up at home with a single sibling of a different age than at holiday club with lots of activities and friends my own age. My parents could afford the club easily with just one child but might have struggled with two, so that probably would have been the two options. But it may not have worked as well for another child or family circs - I've always loved reading so was quite happy to amuse myself with a book from an early age while other kids may have rattled around the house.

So long as the parents are aware of the potential pitfalls and make sure an only child has lots of socialisation opportunities, I just don't see the problem. Smile

madcatladyforever · 23/07/2018 10:54

I have one child, If I had my time again I would have had three but with no husband. The men were a waste of space and made my life difficult.

Chocolateismyvice · 23/07/2018 11:27

I have one currently and we are TTC our second. We'll be stopping to two for practical and financial reasons. I adore my son and have never had an issue with him, but looking back, I struggled to adjust. Not with my son, just the lack of time and the sheer relentless of it. I guess I struggled to adjust my expectations, if that makes sense. I ended up with PND as I put so much pressure on myself for everything to be perfect.

I now know what to expect a bit more sometimes so will be easier on myself. We kbow 2 will be the right number for us.

That being said, if you have any reservations, hold back. I think it's a load of shit when people say you won't regret them. I have a relative with 2 young children. She openly admits that she shouldn't have had them, her DH was even more set against having more than 1 but went along with it. They both work full time when they financially don't need to as it means they haven't got to be around the kids, even on weekends, they rarely see them. The children spend 2 nights a week at home, the others they are palmed off to family. It's no secret in the family that the two children are massively affected by it. The younger one is 3, has night terrors, horrible separation anxiety and sets the bed most nights due to crying. It's heartbreaking.
I'm NOT saying this is common, but some people should really not have kids. This relative does regret having them and they are the ones suffering.

It's sounds like 1 child is the right fit for your family so think hard about it.

n0ne · 23/07/2018 12:26

I wanted 2, I have 2, I slightly regret not stopping at one. But DC2 is less than a year and thinks sleep is for losers so I'm sure it'll get easier.

Franzipanny11 · 23/07/2018 17:58

Madcatlady - same here! I would happily have had a third if I could have got rid of the big, lame, family swerving sperm donor.

Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 23/07/2018 19:08

@TheBestSpoon and WaitingforSunday17 - thanks for the positive feedback on one child families, its great to read.

@Minisoksmakehardwork - sounds like great advice, thanks so much.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 23/07/2018 19:23

Very lucky with my 2. Both girls get on well. We have lovely times as a family and they get in well together. Wouldn't change anything. Am one of 3 myself someone always left out.

Ginslinger · 23/07/2018 19:28

I had 3 - 2 when I was quite young and then got the career organised and had DC3 later - he wasn't planned but we were very happy. Sometimes I wish I'd had another one after DC3 - too late to worry now but I did like having that second shot at having a baby when I was older and wiser.

Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 23/07/2018 20:48

THanks all, some great advice here.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 23/07/2018 20:54

I had 2 DD and would do the same again except maybe with a larger age gap. I only had 18 months between them. 2 is a great number for holidays, theme park entrances and once the baby years were over I was able to return to part time work. Financially, emotionally and in terms of advantages we were able to give them like travelling, out of school activities etc we would have struggled time wise and moneywise with more than 2. They each had their own bedroom which I always thought was important.

Passonthemessage · 23/07/2018 20:57

I had twins and they are amazingly close, good friends, rarely fight but if I had a singleton I doubt I'd have had another, I love my kids but I am not a natural at this game and I've had to fake it too many times.

QueenofmyPrinces · 23/07/2018 21:03

I have two sons.

When me and DH got married neither of us were fussed about having children and said if we ever did have a child we’d only have one.

When baby number 1 did come along by we agreed that we’d stick with the one like planned.

To cut a long story short my feelings changed and 3 years later our second baby came along.

I love my children immensely but me and my DH like to think about how different our life could be if we’d remained childless.

If we could have our time again we’d probably not have children and just make the most out of lives and the freedom we had.

iamyourequal · 23/07/2018 21:07

I have 2 DC. There is a 5 year age gap between them but they get on great and are good company for each other. We had some fertility heartache getting from 1 to 2 and I often miss the middle child we lost, but feel blessed with the 2 we have.

OP , my DH and I were a bit like you sound. We were very stressed as new parents. Looking back I think we often made it a bigger job than it needed to be! Kids get so much easier as they get older and are truly great company. I know when they fly the nest I will be heartbroken. If you have a sound marriage and aren’t stony broke, I would recommend having another.

Didiplanthis · 23/07/2018 21:08

Honestly - I would have stopped at 1. 2 turned out to be 2 And 3 as twins, both with ASD. I love them dearly but I am physically and mentally exhausted, and DC1 has missed out on alot and copes with alot as a result of how things are.

Chrisinthemorning · 23/07/2018 21:11

I have one and I’m happy with that. I see bigger families and it looks too chaotic- I like peace, order, a tidy house, quiet.
I adore DS though even though he doesn’t contribute to quiet and tidiness Grin
Having one has all the advantages of being a parent and all the advantages of not having any imo.

Metoodear · 23/07/2018 21:13

I would have none I am not cut out to be anyone’s mother Sad

QueenOfMyWorld · 23/07/2018 21:13

We are a 1 child family,I too found it hard to adapt to the lack of freedom which is partly why we are sticking with one.I adore my son and I feel content with how we are as a 3,my ds is 4.5 now so toilet trained etc.I wouldn't want to go back to the baby days

Original poster
Fivefootoffun · 23/07/2018 21:13

@iamyourequal - thanks for this - good advice, thank you.

OP posts:
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