To ask if you had your time again - would you have the same number of children?

[Fivefootoffun]

We have a dd 18 months. Love her dearly but I have struggled somewhat with adapting to motherhood. I miss aspects of our old lives. We have no family around so no baby sitters and I guess I just miss the freedom. Anyhow, with that said, do not in any way regret having dd and if I had my time again I'd 100% do it again.

However, really undecided about going for number 2. I know preppie say you never regret a child and I'm sure this is mostly true but I worry that whilst I wouldn't regret number 2, if asked if I had my time again, I would maybe stick at 1.

My reasons for staying 1 are mainly due to how stressful we've found the first year of dd's life and the more we have maybe the less time for ourselves.

Would just be interested to hear from people who debated going for a second/third/fourth etc and whether if you had your time again, would you do it all
again. Thanks so much..

I was keen to have 3, dh was adamant we would stick with the 2dc we have ( money/energy/time/ our age) I am so glad I listened to him. The baby part is the easy bit!

I wanted none in my twenties but DH wanted kids so I agreed. We thought about 3 as we’re both one of three.

Our first was a really easy baby, gave us the confidence to have number 2. Complete opposite baby number 2! Made us re-think our plans, so we stopped at 2.

I don’t regret having them but when I think of what I could do with all the money I earn (and what DH could earn if he hadn’t taken a step back), I wonder what life could have been like/what adventures we could have had.

It has certainly put a strain on our relationship, I’m constantly tired and don’t cope well with that.

I’m looking forward to them being a bit older and being able to leave the house without them! Just that freedom to pop to the shops/pub/evening walk without worrying about them. Each year life gets easier, and they are best friends which helps.

I have found 2 hard, but I would 100% do it all again. My DC are 4 and 10 months, seeing his little face light up when he sees his sister is just the best, especially when she is so happy to see him too. They do fight, more so on her side when he picks up.obe of her toys, but the love for each other is amazing and I know they will always have each other.

That must definitely make it worthwhile @Duskqueen

We have 1 ds only now 12 and has been amazing. We decided not to have any more after him. We don't have family near and back then I had no friends either.
He's had a glorious childhood. We can afford to give him extras like piano lessons and karate.
We also have a very quiet chilled house. No fighting no mess.
He loves being an only child too. Never asked for a sibling, never regretted our decision.

If I’d have known how much I’d love being a mum I would have started sooner and had as many as possible. I was forced to give up everything to be a Mum (home, career, relationship) and wasn’t sure how or if i’d adapt, but I’ve never been so happy (or had so little materialistically).

3 dc (2 closeish together and then quite a big gap). Love it. Would absolutely do it again.

But this is such an individual thing. I'm not sure the answers of a bunch of diverse people with diverse circumstances and even more diverse psychological backgrounds will help you make the decision that's right for you.

It doesn't (from the tiny snapshot you have posted) sound like you really want a second child. That's completely fine. I know many very happy only children and one-child families. What you absolutely shouldn't do is have a second child out of any notions of needing to give your child a sibling.

@AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight - sound advice, thanks a lot for this- really appreciate it

@Colbu24 - thanks for the insight - we only have one set of friends who have 1 child. They too are very happy with their decision but it's great hearing from others so thank you.

We have an only age six and we would do the same again. You have to be proactive with socialisation, be their playmate sometimes and endure comments and judgements from others. Even nowadays people see it as a woman's duty to produce multiple children regardless of the effect on her mental and physical health.

However, the benefits outweigh this. I always knew I'd stop at one and I haven't regretted it. We are a close family of three and do all sorts of fun activities together and she has lots of hobbies where she sees other children - she doesn't have to fit in around a sibling. When she's ill I can be there for her and give her hugs on the sofa without needing to see to anyone else. I have time for her to help with school or just listen to her. If I had other children I wouldn't have that with her. I feel I have a healthy balance jn my life too because I have what I can manage. Time to myself in the evenings is crucial to my sanity!

Make the decision that feels right for you but please don't make any decisions out of a sense of obligation. It's your body at the end of the day.

I have two children 17 months apart. They love each other, mostly get on really well with each other and play together lovely.

However, two children cost a fortune in childcare fees, food, clothing, toys etc. I thought we were well prepared financially - we had 2 wages, savings, no debts etc but now, due to changes in circumstances and unwise choices we're deep in debt with just one and a half wages and no savings. If I had my time again I'd either only have one so that I could more easily give that child a more stable and secure upbringing or I'd have gone straight back into full-time employment without the long maternity leaves and short-term, part-time, ad-hoc work.

@MrsKiplin thanks a lot for this, good to hear from one child families who are happy with their choice.

I have 2. If I could do it again, I would have done it earlier and had more. I absolutely love it and I’d do it much much more. Love the baby stage, the toddler stage, the starting school stage...all of it!

That's lovely @cawfee! What's your age gap?

We found having ds1 very difficult for a range of reasons, (he had a bad start and was quite high needs) but I also became unwell for a long period of time (a bit like cfs but there were several health conditions that caused it). Dh found the adaption to no freedom very hard. We had to have counselling as our relationship was under so much pressure.

We always wanted 2 - we eventually started trying when I was well enough and ds was 4 but I had a few mcs.

Finally had ds2 (2 months) when ds1 was 5.5 and we've actually loved the age gap. We would have struggled financially, physically and emotionally with two when ds1 was younger as no local help. We are now both in our 40s too. I also think ds1 was the type of child who would have fiercely contested a sibling when he was under 4 but now is old enough to think that a baby is the latest coolest gadget going.

I also found going through pregnancy and the early days of baby hood in my 40s easier with ds at school. On day 2 of the hols now and it's ok, but definitely looking forward to the lovely lazy 1:1 times with ds2 in September!

@Elkphrasis - lovely to hear you got your 2nd and it's worked so out well - oh to have a crystal ball eh!

I had 2 close together and it's really fabulous having 2 . They have a lifelong friend but they will always have company and it actually makes your job easier in the long run because they keep each other busy giving you more time for yourself and lie ins as they can play together .
I had a third and think the shift from 1-2 was really smooth but 2-3 has been really tough, as much as I love dc3

I have two. I like that my two play with each other. So if I had any, id have two.

I possibly would have zero. I adore my kids. However life pre kids was easier.

No. Id stick with two.

I wanted lots of children, having been the unhappy eldest of 2 myself. DC1 took a very long time to conceive so we started TTC DC2 quite early and ended up with a 19 mth gap. I was absolutely convinced that we couldn't have more than 2 years as a gap so DC3 arrived 2 years later and then an unanticipated DC4 2 years after that. At that point I couldn't have coped with any more.

Now I'm much much older I can see that people have all kinds of gaps and they work. Our life was really hectic with 4 under 6s and perhaps it would have been sensible to have had slightly bigger gaps. In some ways it was good because they were all a similar age and liked similar things, but in others it was harder on DC1 and 2 having the others so quickly.

We went on to have DC5 once the others were grown up. It has been an eye opener to actually enjoy different stages that we missed with the large brood. I feel really guilty that the others didn't get the 1:1 that this one is getting, but equally guilty that this one doesn't get the instant playmates the others had. When we go anywhere it's just us with no-one to play with.

I think the main things I would do differently if I could turn back the clock is to have had counselling before we had the DC, to get to the bottom of what was driving me; then definitely waited a bit longer for DC2. Who knows then where we would have stopped. I suspect before 5.

We have 1 DD, I wanted 2 and she would love a brother or sister.
Unfortunately it took 2 years and 3 miscarriages for us to have the 1, plus a traumatic C-section under a general to welcome her to the world.
I sometimes wish I'd stuck my foot down and said I want another when DD was younger, however I'm glad I didn't as she can be high maintenance and clingy. No chances of it now anyway as we are both getting to an age where we wouldn't cope physically, plus DH's medical issues mean chances of conceiving would be low.

Thanks everyone, plenty for advice me to digest - thank you.

Op if you are happy and feel complete with 1 stay there. My ds and ddil have I child and they definatly don’t want any more. He’s loved cherished and perfect.

We had 6 kids now oldest 28 youngest twins 19. We started young twenties and finished early 30s. We have probably spent more than a £100,000 + on them if not more if you think of holidays, School trips, Christmas, Clothes, books, uniforms, bigger car bigger house andthr worst uni maintenance.

Sometimes dh and I think about how we would now be easily retired aged 51 with no mortgage and no stress. Also now it’s helping get house deposits and child care for that grandchildren.

Would we change it? Not in a million trillion years mostly

Can I add.

There is never a right or wrong number of children/age gap.

It is what it is and you just need to do the best you can with the choices that you made.

That's lovely @seesawride. Your children are lucky to have such selfless parents!

I probably felt the same as you after DS was born. I had originally thought we would have 3 kids but motherhood was so much harder then I anticipated.

We had DD as I really didn’t want to have an only child. Going from 1 to 2 was so much less of a shock than from 0 to 1.

I thought I was happy with 2, but I’m now wishing we’d had 3 although financially I don’t think we could have coped.

I have 3, would have liked 4. My 3 are very happy and close but the older two are best friends, the small one would have liked another.
The shock is at 0-1, anything after that is more of the same once you are in the zone.