To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

OP, that sentence of yours "I thought he was a different man" says it all. You absolutely can't marry someone you don't know. Or at least I couldn't.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.
After 3 years together and at 35 years old I'd be wanting to try as soon as you're married. He doesn't want children and will string you along until your fertility has dwindled away. I would not marry this man.

You will probably feel embarrassed if you decide to cancel the wedding and it will cause some gossip for a few weeks, but the alternative is much worse and will affect the rest of your life. I agree that it's not just the fact he might not want children, it's about how he's treated you and disregarded your desires for the future. Ultimately you'll come out of this as the strong woman for making the right decision and I don't think many people will be very impressed with him.

Oh OP I'm so sorry, catching up on this thread and the hurt in your posts is palpable. I do agree with lots of other posters though - his selfishness would mean I couldn't marry him. I really feel for you, there really isn't a compromise when one of you wants kids and one doesn't.

Op I feel so sorry for you, he is being very unfair on you and he is trying to guilt trip you into something you don't want. If the therapy works and he can see your point of view then fantastic, but I suspect he may not be truthful with you in the hope that it will just never happen anyway. You're still young don't invest to much of your time with a dead end, unless you genuinely see it moving forward in your position I'd be tempted to cut my losses I'm afraid

I’m still down with my mum. Work think I am ill and colleagues seem fine (I can’t concentrate anyway) so I’m just sitting around and cuddling the dog, who has brought me his favourite toy to make me feel better.

Counselling booked with Relate at 6pm tomorrow.

I asked OH if he wanted to talk before then, when and where, and he said he would tell me what he wants to do. I think he does want to talk again but he says whenever we do, we go backwards. He says things feel broken.

I wish he’d just leave work and come here and give me a hug. Do anything.

Sorry to hear this outcome.

He clearly is shaken that you have challenged him about starting a family and have taken it further.

He's not exactly falling overhimself to reassure you. He seems only interested in himself and the impact this is having on him.

Still not a good sign for the future.

Sorry.

I am speaking plainly here OP; sorry if my words hurt.

No matter how you chop and dice this your OH does not want children with you. He doesn’t now and won’t change. He is throwing out excuse after excuse to stall but because I’m sure he loves you he is doing what he can to keep you but (and this is a good thing) not compromise on children.

You and he both know now that the way this discussion has gone signals the end of your relationship OR a life of resentment as you would forever resent him for denying you the family you want OR he would resent you for lumping him with fatherhood OR paying him less attention as you had a baby to care for.

It’s catastrophically sad when this happens. He loves you and you love him but you’re both absolutely rooted to your positions and you are both entitled to be. It’s just a crying shame you didn’t have the honest conversation earlier on; he’s definitely kinda led you on as I suspect he never ever had any plan to compromise on his position, just hoped your mind would change.

Sadly I suspect this is it for you as a couple and I’m sure you know you can’t get married under these circumstances.

I’m very very sorry.

Having couples counseling before the wedding is not a good start. End it and find someone you don’t need to go through all this drama with. There is more than one suitable match for everyone out there. No such thing as soulmates.

This is desperately sad but unfortunately I think PaulHollywood has nailed it. So very sorry, OP.

Let's be realistic OP.

In, what, a few weeks' time, can you imagine looking him in the eye and saying 'I do' without ANY doubts, knowing that you're starting off on an adventure together, towards the same things?

I wouldn't have thought so, based on the things you've said and his pretty poor attitude. I think your relationships has come to an end, sadly, but just in time for you to go and look for the life you actually want to live.

He’s very likely upset with you because you’ve called him on his bullshit. As pps have said it sounds as though he thought he could string you along for the next few years and you’d eventually shut up sbout it. He doesn’t seem to realise what contempt that would breed. Which leads me to also believe he isn’t very mature.

Sorry OP, but your relationship is clearly over. He doesn't even respect you enough to tell you the truth about children and was going to deceive you till it was too late. He can't even apologise now but is acting like a spoilt child not getting his way. Have a good cry, pack your bags and leave. Oh and call off the wedding (or let him do something for a change).

Apparently I ‘really upset him’ by saying divorce was an option if we got to the crunch and he decided no he wouldn’t want to try for a family, despite earlier intentions.

So he’s turning it round on you again to try and assuage himself of his guilt. He has previously said to you that he wants children. When it actually comes to the crunch, he’s hemming and hawing! Well he’s broken his word then, and you’ve every right to feel lied to because you have been.

He’s irritated probably because he thought he could put it off and put it off and ‘oh no, now it’s too late, never mind’.

As for his mum saying you should have ‘thrashed this out long ago’ ummm... you thought you had! He had given you the impression that he was up for having children, but when it actually is coming down to it, he’s backed off from it!

The fault lies with him; not you. I’m so sorry OP, it’s a horrible situation.

He’s not saying anything because there is nothing for him to say. You’ve uncovered his true position. It’s up to you whether you’re happy living a childfree life.

A hug may help for one moment but not for all the others. You want a hug, him to tell you he loves you and be together in this.

But he will not do that. And if he did would you believe him?. It is still his wants and needs. I suspect he told his dm that this was never mentioned before, how could she not tell me she wants kids he had no clues, and is embarrassed as his mum has said that it should have been discussed. He knows he is guilty of misleading and dishonesty.

Counselling before a wedding is a bad sign of things to come. This man should not have children. His dishonesty and attempts to emotionally blackmail and manipulate as well as blame you, his fiance are not good father qualities.

Nor good husband ones.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic but I don’t really understand what counselling will achieve. He doesnt want children and you do - no amount of discussion will change that! It’s heartbreaking but it is what it is, and it sounds like you had discussed it enough to think he did want them at some point. Which it now turns out isn’t the case.

Sometimes I think counselling when the writing really is on the wall can give a “soft landing” for a relationships’ end.

I seem to be saying this on a few threads tonight, but for you OP. What a situation to be in.

I am in the boat of your parents and married young so we didn't really talk about it, but am now your age, with a baby, because in the fullness of time you can discuss such things without the pressure of a deadline. You are in such a different boat, and instead of being mutually supportive, your OH has walked away at the first opportunity to work through the conflict together and come to a mutual understanding. Quite aside from the issue of whether your position on children is reconcilable, my concern is aligned with your recent post that his attitude and manner are not those of someone sharing a life journey with you.

After nearly ten years of pretty content marriage, we saw a relationship councillor for the first time on Monday. We have a toddler. Small babies have the potential to wreak havoc on even strong relationships. Even if you can turn the corner on his attitude to problem solving together, and you went along with his view of having a go at 'single parenting within a marriage', I would remain suspicious of his ability to maintain it under the pressure of small children.

I am confident that in my relationship we have common goals and so will come through this rough patch. Open question - What will it take for you to feel confident you can make a decision either way?

OP I don't usually comment (just lurk!) but felt compelled to do so here - he may love you, but if he really loved you then he would know how important this is to you and wouldn't take the opportunity away from you (even if it meant letting you go). Could you ever trust him now (or trust that even if you did have a baby, that he really wanted it?) You are being so brave in confronting the issue now rather than just getting married and hoping for the best - you are amazing!

Well he did leave work and we met up yesterday evening. Talking face to face was a lot easier.

He said, without prompting, that he panicked and went into himself. He's talked to friends of his, men and women, who have families. He's had a variety of responses ranging from 'just be sure that you're really meant to be together' (man with kids) to 'you have some fucking grovelling to do' (woman with kids).

We both want to be with each other. We're both a bit shell shocked at how the last few days have been. His main sticking point is how bad we have been at communicating, how hurt he's been at some of the things I've said. He's asking himself does this mean we aren't life partners?

My sticking point is can my love for him cope with the fact that a family may not be on the cards, and that when things get tough again I will have to mainly rely on myself to push through a solution.

A family is still not a clear yes or no. But there are lots of ways to have a meaningful life's work, and I'm ready to think about a life together resulting in a plan B - maybe taking over a charity, writing, or being creative in another way or starting a business. I want to always be pushing and challenging myself and 'making' something bigger, and that could be children or it could be something else. If we did decide to go for kids and nature didn't allow, then plan B would be on the cards anyway.

We're going to the therapist at 6pm still. He says he's welcoming the opportunity to hear from someone else whether he and/or I have been unreasonable in all this, because he really does not know.

This is ridiculous... no one can tell you whether its ok to have a kid or not. You need to make up your own minds. These people telling you about their experiences they're telling you according to their child's personality e.g if someone had a good sleeper baby they're more likely to tell you to go ahead..someone with a bad sleeper is definitely going to have a different view. No baby/child is the same.

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You need to be with someone who has the same values as you without second guessing. You want kids and he doesn't, it's all in black and white.

Ahh pet. I feel so sad reading your update. You’re trying everything - a plan B life? - to fit in with him, has he done as much for you? The plan B stuff is great if you can’t have dc but will never satisfy you if you haven’t tried for plan a - and watch as the resentment builds up over the years. I would strongly advice you to get off the juggernaut that’s hurtling towards your wedding day and give yourself time.

We're going to the therapist at 6pm still. He says he's welcoming the opportunity to hear from someone else whether he and/or I have been unreasonable in all this, because he really does not know

Does it matter? I mean, at this stage what good is aportioning blame going to do?

The bottom line is you want kids and he doesn't (clearly, despite the earlier umming and ahhing) and that's not just going to go away. All this stuff about communication, canvassing opinions from friends with kids, thinking about business and creative pursuits etc...I'm sorry OP but it sounds a bit like an attempt to deflect attention from the elephant in the room.

Ooft. Do not, not let him attempt to blame you in any way. There is nothing unreasonable about expressing what you want in life and it is not bloody fair to say how "hurt" that has made him feel. He is "hurt" because you have made him feel guilty. And so he should for stringing you along.

It's sad OP to settle for plan B in your one shot at life. Lots of people have very happy and fulfilled childfree lives but it's not what you want really. Your partner should have been honest with you from the start.