To worry about timing of DC?

[WobbleHead]

Oh my god sorry this is long.

I’m 35 this September. DFiancé was 44 this April. We’re getting married next month after being together 3 years. No previous DC.

I’m keen to start a family, OH says he wants to be a dad, but in his head the timeline is ‘some point in the future’ (I.e. several years) and I want the timeline for TTC to be towards the end of next year.

We both have good reasons for preferring our version of timing, but I think my reasons are better than his reasons. I don’t want to create tension (all discussions very chilled out so far), but am I being unreasonable to think I should gently raise pressure over the next 6 months or so?

FYI my reasons:

1. I’m not getting any younger

2. Neither is he

3. I’ve now passed 2 years at current job and I’m entitled to a pretty good maternity package. I’m not enjoying the job that much so this maternity package is literally the only thing keeping me there.

His reasons:

1. Not having kids is great and we get to go to the pub together a lot and go on holiday, why not carry on like this for a bit?

2. He’s worried about being an ‘older dad’ - his dad was 42 when OH was born, and his dad had awful health problems and sadly passed away when OH was in his 30s

3. Jobs are more precarious these days (he’s a worrier), we want to buy a house together (we can afford a 3 bed in London suburbs), it’s all a bit much and shall we wait until finances are even more settled?

I’m worried that his passivity will eventually put us in a position where it’s not possible any more. I have 2 friends TTC and after IVF etc have not been successful. I don’t want to sound shrill but I really don’t think he gets that my baby bits have an expiry date. Maybe he’s hoping that delaying long enough will mean it’s not possible any more and the decision will have been taken out of his hands and he won’t be the bad guy any more.

I wonder why you dated someone who wasn’t sure when you were!

When I asked, which I did early on because it was important to me, he expressed it as more 'I don't mind. I thought it was probably too late because of my age, but I'm open to it' and then a couple of years later started being more like 'I'm not ready to be a father and not sure I ever will be' so it did feel like a betrayal and a waste of time to me.

In your case holding the fact that they are relying on you financially over them as a bargaining tool.

He hasn't said that is his motivation. He has just said he loves me and wants to make me happy, which includes having children even though he is not sure he is ready for them. I suspect he is concerned and about he would cope financially without me but maybe he would be willing to have kids anyway and that's making him willing to do things he's nervous about (ie having kids) but that's me reading between the lines.

All due respect, @NameChange5678, but the rubber hasn't really hit the road in your case. Babies often remain largely theoretical to men until they have arrived and it remains to be seen how yours will cope with the stressful, demanding reality.

And OP's fiance has made it clear at this stage that a) he has no active desire for children b) if he does end up fathering one, he fully intends to do fuck all for it. OP would have a future of "you wanted the baby, you deal with it" ahead of her.

There's not a lot of point in talking to her fiance because she now can't trust a word he says.

Mum and dad are sympathetic and upset. They’re seeing devils advocate in some respects because when they got married in their early 20s they just wanted to be together and family didn’t really come into it.

Early 20 is years away from mid-30s though. I didn’t want kids then, but was desperate from 30+.

You both have to really want them. We had to have IVF (early 30s) and I think it would have been impossible to go through this if my DH was half-hearted about it.

I think you’ve done the right thing. He needs to give you a definite, honest answer. You can’t afford to waste the next 5-10 years on him if you want a baby.

There's not a lot of point in talking to her fiance because she now can't trust a word he says.

You can't rebuild any trust by not talking to each other though. I do think counselling would be helpful - it could be his fear talking.

What's the alternative? Give up on him now and try to find another man to marry and have children with before it's too late? It's not that easy.

I just think talking (preferably with a professional) would be sensible so that OP can work out where she and her fiancé are emotionally and whether they can salvage the relationship before just giving up.

I didn’t feel ready to have children until I was 34, (DH was 35), I fell pregnant quickly but went on to have six consecutive miscarriages I was almost 40 when we finally had our DD we tried for another but it turned out I was then in early menopause so it never happened. I wish we had started earlier and we might have had the chance to have another child. Don’t get me wrong I’m very, very lucky to have DD.

I’ve emailed my old therapist to ask if she’s can recommend a colleague who specialises in couples.

Good for you OP

But wobble, your mum and dad were 10+ years younger than you or your fiancé. They’re not playing devils advocate; they’re missing the point entirely.

I’m not sure I could have a child with someone who was happy for me to do it all by myself. If his relationship with his late father was as distant as he says it was.... why on earth would he want to inflict that upon any of his own children?

My own dad didn’t want children. My mum secretly came off the pill and fell pregnant with me. My dad disliked me more or less my entire life, before disappearing entirely a few years back. I was unwanted by him before I even began. It doesn’t feel good.

I guarantee if your Mum was 35 getting married, kids would have come into it.

He's right though isn't he. He loves you for you.

No. He doesn’t. He doesn’t love and want her whole self. He doesn’t love the part of her that sees having children as a priority. He doesn’t love the hopes and dreams she has for her future.

He doesn’t love her for her. He loves the convenient parts of her, and would prefer it if the dreams and aspirations that aren’t compatible with his would magically go away.

OP, I’m so so sorry. What a nightmare.

You can't rebuild any trust by not talking to each other though

I don't think you rebuild trust after this at all, tbh. It's too big a lie, and too big a risk.

It sounds like he doesn't want kids at all and will keep putting them off. He's worried about being an older dad so he wants to wait a few years? That makes no sense.

Postpone the wedding. And give him the chance to prove to you that he will give you children. My advice is that - if you do decide to stay together after all of this (read your update and it sounds up in the air) - then you try for a baby BEFORE marriage. The wedding can wait. Your fertility really can’t. At 35 the clock is most certainly ticking. If it then transpires that he won’t try for a baby then you can walk away and find a partner who will. If you marry before trying for a baby he could string you along for so long that by the time you get a divorce it’ll be too late to find a new partner.

In all honesty he sounds selfish and immature.

Thats not devils advocate. Your mum and dad were a lot younger and didnt have that concern.its not a comparable situation so they aren't helping.

It's not selfish or immature to not want children;!

No but it is to treat someone the way he has. With false hope and lies. Selfish and immature is better words then the profane words that could be used.

He didn't ask you to come home to talk. That says it all.

If he really did want kids but was just a bit scared about timing/job/responsibility then he would have been terrified that you had left.

He doesn't want kids. His choice. But it's your choice to stay. 35 is still young.

I agree with Madeforthis; he should have worried about this sudden change in your future as a family, this is cold on his part. I'm so sorry OP. My partner had talked about waiting a bit longer for children. When I said I didn't want to wait any more due to age, we talked about specifics to make it work (house etc) and moved forward together, none of this actual separation bollocks. If you plan to be a functional family then I feel that a key thing you're looking for is collaboration; working on mutual compromises, particularly when you disagree! Equally, that's all a lot easier if you aren't disagreeing on the fundamentals of what that family looks like.

He is selfish and immature to lie to the OP about his intentions regarding children for the last three years and almost marry her knowing full well that she desperately wants them. He isn’t scared about becoming a father or the money situation - those are just excuses. The simple truth is that he enjoys his life now and doesn’t want it to change. He enjoys the freedom of the single life - travelling and dining out etc. Personally I would run for the hills from this man. But it’s the OP’s choice.

Spoke on the phone last night. He’d spoken to his mum who said that ‘we should have thrashed this out long before’ - helpful. He didn’t tell me what she said beyond that, other than it gave him a lot to think about.

He accepts that our biggest problem is the fact that a foundation of trust between us has been eroded. He almost sounds annoyed at me that this has happened? I can’t get a clear sense about whether he accepts he has been dishonest. He just goes silent for ages and doesn’t answer.

Apparently I ‘really upset him’ by saying divorce was an option if we got to the crunch and he decided no he wouldn’t want to try for a family, despite earlier intentions.

My biggest problem at the moment is how he’s behaving in all this. I thought he was a different man.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thank goodness you found out before, not after the wedding.

Your OH sounds a bit childish: he wants his cake and to eat it. He knew kids was a dealbreaker for you but he has avoided telling you it's also a dealbreaker for him, instead letting you believe it will happen "one day". In other words, he would have been happy to waste your fertile years before this came to a head and then it would be too late.

I wouldn't knowingly marry someone capable of that kind of selfishness. I hope you can resolve things in a way you can live with.

Er no the biggest problem in your relationship is that you want children and he doesn’t and he was hoping that he could marry you and delay TTC until you are no longer able to conceive.

Don’t give up your dream to have children for this man. I get the impression that he’s the type to attempt to guilt trip you into believing that it’s reasonable for you to do this. It really isn’t. Children are forever. 50% of marriages end in divorce. And he, as a man, will have the option to have children in his 50s/60s if you ever separated and he met a younger woman - you have the next 10 years at most.

It's partly dishonesty but it is partly because you didn't thrash it out. You mentioned up thread you wanted advice on how not to be confrontational with him suggesting you were nervous about talking about it all. It was up to both of you to agree on and talk about