To want to sit in the front seat....?

[PineapplePrincess]

Since DS was a baby, either me or DH has sat in the back seat of the car with him.

Made sense when he was a baby, but DS is now four.

DH is still pretty insistent that I sit in the back seat, mostly to ensure he stays awake during the car ride and not disturb with the bedtime schedule. But can insist at times that doesn’t impact bedtime, as apparently it’s just ‘easier that way’.

If I refuse, he’s been known to leave me in the passenger seat and for him to sit in the back - forcing me to move to drivers seat. My point is that DS is now old enough to sit in the back alone, so him moving is not helping.

DS has now got use to someone sitting with him all the time, and can become insistent that someone does too.

AIBU?

Have you done anything yet? He really is very mentally unhealthy and not fit to parent unless you get him to accept help. Either that or he is a terminal dickhead in which case professional help is wasted but at least you can say you tried...

What'snoton, I'm well aware it's a parenting problem. There was no blame attributed to the child. If they carry on he will be a tyrant. And they'll have made him one.

@Bluelady your post didn't read like you thought it was a parenting issue.

Any improvement @PineapplePrincess?

I would have —flipped— had words long time ago with your DH!

@KarlDilkinton - I though we were making progress, but it appears not.

Since my last post I have refused to sit in the back of the car. This has mostly resulted in me driving everywhere and DH sitting in the rear. But I made it quite clear to him my thoughts on the matter.

A few months back I put my foot down completely and refused to drive when he sat in the back with DS. When I asked him to move to the front seat (we were driving somewhere I was unfamiliar with, so really needed help with directions) he refused and said he would direct from the back of the car. When I insisted, he turned and asked DS what he should do; who naturally wanted DH to sit with him.

I saw red, got out the car and refused to get back in until he moved seats. Queue massive argument, but eventually DH drove and I sat in the front.

Over recent months/weeks, I thought he was making a concerted effort to sit in the front, either driving or as a passenger. Likewise I have been clear in my wishes, and have only sat in the back when the journey have been over an hour and at night, and there is a risk DS will fall asleep and disrupt his routine.

Today however it seems we’re back to square one. Getting in car to go a 10min drive, DS asks DH to sit in the rear. I explain to DS that ‘daddy is going to sit with me’, DH is obviously annoyed and tells me ‘I shouldn’t tell him what to do, he can sit where he wants’. He then explains to DS he will sit with him on the way home.

I get annoyed, he gets annoyed and we argue, admittedly (and ashamedly) in front of DS. I’m tempted to get out the car and go back in the house, but in attempt to appease DS we eventually make the 10min drive to the walk we’re going on, and spend the entire walk (90mins) hardly talking to each other.

We mellow towards the end, when DH asks for a cuddle after DS does something cute. And I think he’s come to his senses.

We get back to the car and he sits in the back seat with DS.

I’m livid. Drive home (we were planning on going somewhere after walk, but I can’t face it), and am now upstairs leaving DH and DS together.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to calmly talk to him about this but he’s not seeing sense. He just says ‘he wants to sit in the back seat with DS’ and that I doesn’t care what I think, or what anyone else does.

Buy a gigantic cuddly toy and put him next to DS.

You've given in but I realise it isn't easy. Have you asked him until what age does your dh intend to do this? And got an actual answer out of him? My dh does something really annoying and ridiculous and we've had numerous discussions about it and he will still do it and I know it's because he wants to be the favourite parent and a best friend rather than a parent. I've explained and keep on explaining he is not a friend he is a parent and that means sometimes doing something that kids don't like but ultimately it is for their own good. Your dh is doing the same. Making your son spoilt and a baby isn't helping him, it's hindering his development. Independence is a skill he needs to learn and maybe you could point out to your dh he is damaging your child by not letting him learn it.

Your DH is a prick

If he wants to sit in the back he can, surely? So long as he doesn’t insist you do too?

My kids like me to sit in the back with them sometimes and I always oblige but only if it's possible to - you can't if there's only one adult in the car!

I honestly could not deal with this. Your DH is smothering/babying/helicopter parenting your DS to the extreme. And you've also done this for 4 years. If your DH won't sit in the front of the car with you, I would seriously consider leaving him. He is showing no respect for you.

Call me paranoid, but if this were happening in my family I would be wondering about ulterior motives/hidden agendas on the part of DH. With you trapped in the back, does DH, for instance, get to control the radio station or music choice or pretend not to hear that you want to go a different way or stop at a place of interest? Does he like having the passenger seat available as a place to dump all his maps and stuff? Are there child-proof locks in the back? Do you have to wait for him to remember to let you out? Does it allow him to avoid chatting with you? The most shocking part of becoming a mum for me was how the power dynamic changed in our relationship. I am an extrovert who likes getting out and about and socialising. My husband is an extreme introvert who would rather be at home reading science fiction or glued to the computer. When our son was born, he became the perfect excuse for my husband to avoid or curtail every outing or social engagement. Because my eldest, although a perfectly normal baby, eventually turned out to be autistic, it became a trump card that will last forever. I wish that, as an exhausted new mum who couldn't quite get my head around what was going on, I had fought harder, looked at the perfectly contented baby and said "No, it isn't DS who wants to go home. It's you." Or even better, handed over the baby and said "Go then. I'll come home when I'm ready." My life would be infinitely better now, if I had stood up for myself a bit more then.

I'd be refusing to get into the car with him, your DH because he is a prick. Then he'd have to sit in the front if he wanted to drive anywhere.
I'd be very tempted to sell it behind his back as well.

I'd really struggle with being anywhere near him because hes like Frank Spencer.

(or drop a toy and insist it’s picked up immediately) which can obviously be easier if someone is in the back with him.

Please stop acting like this 4 yr old's slaves ! He is 4 - if he drops a toy he gets to pick it up himself . You'll turn him into a little tyrant if you keep this craziness up any longer .

Why are you driving OP ? get in the passenger seat and wait, don't give in to you Husbands obsessive controlling behaviour

In a year's time he’ll be at school- is your DH planning on sitting next to him all day there too?

I’d assumed this thread was about being usurped in the front seat by teenage DSes (longer legs, more space needed- at least until you point out that they need to navigate!). Sorry, your DH is creating a very difficult problem for you both.

Your husband is quite mad. I'm sorry but this is far from normal behaviour!

Why is your dh letting your 4 yr old call the shots?

But I think you have made progress with this. Maybe there's been a glitch lately, but persist.

I think your husband needs help. Your DS is already aware he can get his dad to do whatever he wants. He’s playing you off one another and it’s only going to get worse.

Is there someone safe you can talk to about everything?

I would be refusing point blank to go anywhere unless you and your dh were in the front seats. If he gets in the back, you refuse to drive anywhere until he gets in the front and if he refuses to drive unless you get in the back, you stay in the front and refuse to move.

Tell him - “I am not going to argue with you - either we are in the front, or we go nowhere” and then read a book or look at your phone and don’t rise to anything he says. I believe the technique is called the grey rock - you act as if you are a rock and everything just washes over you without affecting you at all.

I think your husband needs help

I agree with this tenfold OP

I think that it's OK to sit with your kid every once in a while & it's not as if your husband gave in straight away-he did comproise by saying only the return journey.

It seems that some progress has been made!

My first sentence should be ‘If I were you, I would be refusing...’ - what I wrote looks daft - sorry.

Let your DH sit in the back if he wants. Sure what odds?

Get a sat nav if you don't know where you're going and aren't confident.