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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sit in the front seat....?

191 replies

PineapplePrincess · 22/07/2018 09:35

Since DS was a baby, either me or DH has sat in the back seat of the car with him.

Made sense when he was a baby, but DS is now four.

DH is still pretty insistent that I sit in the back seat, mostly to ensure he stays awake during the car ride and not disturb with the bedtime schedule. But can insist at times that doesn’t impact bedtime, as apparently it’s just ‘easier that way’.

If I refuse, he’s been known to leave me in the passenger seat and for him to sit in the back - forcing me to move to drivers seat. My point is that DS is now old enough to sit in the back alone, so him moving is not helping.

DS has now got use to someone sitting with him all the time, and can become insistent that someone does too.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 22/07/2018 10:28

This is utterly bonkers. I sat in the back on our way home from hospital after having our eldest and that's the only time. What happens if you go further afield by yourself? What will you do if you have another child?

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 22/07/2018 10:29

I understanding wanting someone to sit in the back when baby is little up to around 3 months. After that just get in the car as normal. It's a stupid setup and you both need to grown up and move on.

bluebeck · 22/07/2018 10:32

Agree with PP - your DH is bonkers.

Wait until it's a journey your DH really wants to do (rather than something you really want to do) and call his bluff. Get in the passenger seat and stay there. If DH gets in the back, stay where you are. Be prepared with water and a snack Grin

You need to tell DH this will not be happening any more.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 10:32

You really need to have a conversation about how spoiling your child is absolutely not doing him any favours. He needs to learn to cope without having things picked up for him, and with not getting his way about sitting in the front or having someone with him in the back. Apart from anything else, he's just not going to cope in school otherwise.

missyB1 · 22/07/2018 10:32

Oh dear this is only going to get worse unless your Dh gets a grip. Is he this controlling over other aspects of bring up ds? Your ds has two parents and your views are just as valid and your dh needs to start parenting as a team with you.

I have friends who have similar issues. My friend is forced to sit in the back as her Dh wants their dd in the front next to him! It infuriates me that my friend tolerates this crap!

emmyrose2000 · 22/07/2018 10:32

You/DH worry about throwing out the bedtime schedule if DS falls asleep in the back, but aren't worried about him travelling in the front seat? Confused

I don't even know what to say. It's unbelievable how out of whack your priorities are.

I would never in a million years put a child that young in the front seat of a car, regardless of what anyone said.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 10:34

Wait until it's a journey your DH really wants to do (rather than something you really want to do) and call his bluff. Get in the passenger seat and stay there. If DH gets in the back, stay where you are. Be prepared with water and a snack

This. Or wait till DH is really anxious to get home when you've gone out, and use the same tactic. Take a book as well.

ChuffingNorah · 22/07/2018 10:40

This sounds as though it's about something more profound and troubling than car seats. Are there any other areas in your life where your husband insists you do as he says?

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 22/07/2018 10:40

Just seen the part where he is in the front seat.

You and your DH need to sort your priorities out!!

The fact you value bedtime routine over safety is frankly shocking. Even with the airbag off, years of rest crashes have proved that children are safest rear facing in the back.

Clearly if this is the measure you go to for the bedtime routine you have, you need a new one.

You're parents, man up, grow up and put your child's needs first.

smallchanceofrain · 22/07/2018 10:41

Does your DH have a cut off age in mind for when DS can sit in the back on his own? 6? 10? 15? 21?

I was single when I had DS1. No one ever sat in the back of the car with him. This did not make my life harder by putting him out of his routine, nor has he been emotionally scarred by me being unable to pick up a toy immediately after he's dropped it.

Tell your DH he's bonkers and show him this thread to prove it.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/07/2018 10:41

I'm sorry because I'm aware this is rude, but your dh sounds like the type of parent I will go far, far out of my way to avoid. He's pandering to your child and it needs to stop sharpish.

DoinItForTheKids · 22/07/2018 10:42

I agree with the practical actions such as those suggested by Bibesia and others. Get a book, packet of crisps and a flask of tea and don't budge until he gets back in the driving seat.

Secondly, you need to listen to what people have said OP about pandering to your 4 year old. You are doing him NO favours for when he starts school. Those kinds of behaviours will get him nowhere at school, at all, and will just make his experience of school more initially difficult. You do not need to pander to him when saying "you're a lovely big boy now and you'll be sitting in the back, mummy and daddy sit at the front. If you drop a toy, you'll get it straight back at the end of the trip". That's it, that's all you have to do then ignore all screaming and one or two trips you'll have normality (I'd say restored but you don't have normality at the moment).

Wallywobbles · 22/07/2018 10:45

Just out of interest what other stuff are you still doing for your 4 yo? Might be interesting for your DH to look at a list of age appropriate tasks?

Most people are thrilled by their youngest getting to this age because you can just go places without any special paraphernalia or behavior.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 22/07/2018 10:48

@smallchanceofrain we never sat in the back with DD either. Didn't see the point. I understand why some do.

CookPassBabtridge · 22/07/2018 10:49

We did this until DS turned 1 as it was easier to feed him, soothe etc so no screaming baby in the back, but your son is 4! That is ridiculous.

AgentJohnson · 22/07/2018 10:49

So when does this particular prioritisation stop? 8, 10, 14, never? Parenting wise, a lot of things are more convenient if an adult is on hand to sort immediately but as you are now experiencing, your child isn’t being given the opportunity to outgrow this particular expectation.

I doubt very much that this is an isolated incident and whatever is motivating your H ‘over protectiveness—anxiety—‘, it is most probably being manifested in other parenting behaviour. It’s time to have a grown up discussion about this. What are his concerns exactly? Anxiousness can be very contagious in a parent/ child relationship and it would be a shame if your child’s development is hindered by his father’s ‘over protectiveness’.

We all do it to some extent, continue behaviour that our child has long outgrown. DD queried at 2 years, why she was still wearing nappies at night, to which I had no answer considering she was dry during the day and rarely had accidents at night.

This current stalemate isn’t helping anyone, least of all your child, who is getting a perfect example of how not to resolve conflicts. This is an opportunity to understand your H’s parenting philosophy and how it compares to yours. Communication is the key, the focus shouldn’t be about who’s right but rather, finding the common ground where you both agree and trying to negotiate a compromise that gets you to that common ground.

TokyoSushi · 22/07/2018 10:50

What?! This is very weird OP!

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 22/07/2018 10:51

Car journey - every car journey, regardless of time/length.
Both adults in front - neither in back, any journey.
4 year old - back of car, every journey.
Large, favourite animal strapped in other back seat to keep 4 year-old company (soft toy, not DH) Grin

Bouledeneige · 22/07/2018 10:53

Weird. You Dh is being ridiculous. Why the massive anxiety he mustn't fall asleep in the car? Its no biggie. Just relax.

NynaeveSedai · 22/07/2018 10:53

Your child doesn't even get the chance to experience not having his wishes met as soon as he feels them. Children need to learn to wait, to manage their feelings, to appreciate that other people exist, that their wishes aren't the only thing that matters.
Your DH is doing him absolutely no favours. His parenting is shocking.

Rudgie47 · 22/07/2018 10:54

Not being rude here but your husband sounds like hes not right in the head. I think he needs to go for counselling or for psychiatric help of some sort.I think hes being really controlling.
I'd just tell him to fuck right off, does he do other things like tell you who you can and cant see or what to do all the time?

Original poster
PineapplePrincess · 22/07/2018 10:54

This isn’t a DS issue. DS would adapt fine to both of us sitting in the front seat of the car. His complaining about dropping toys and needing help with iPad would be dealt with at a suitable time (i.e. when safe to do so and/or when convenient for us). I have no problem in setting boundaries and enforcing them.

This is completely a DH issue. Of which DS is currently taking advantage when he can, he just enjoys the company.

I have stood my ground before, and generally ‘win’ when we are travelling out somewhere. It’s more difficult when we’re travelling home as the sleep aspect creeps in.

My job is basically to sit in the back and engage DS in conversation/activity so he doesn’t fall asleep. DH prefers to drive, as I ‘take too long driving’ and DS is more likely to fall asleep during the journey.

I have been know. To prod and tickle DS as he’s falling asleep until we get to the house (ridiculous I know, but I’ll get the blame if he falls asleep and we can’t get him to bed at a semi normal time ). DS has always been a bad sleeper, we’ve had sleep psychologists involved who have recommended to avoid naps a certain amount of time before bedtime.

A few weeks back I refused to sit in the back and DS did indeed fall asleep. Queue annoyed looks from DH and a late bed down.

I want to stand up to this, as I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone, put previous attempts tend to end in argument.

I had thought if we had another it would solve the problem with both DC in the back. But following four MCs it doesn’t look like that will be the solution.

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 22/07/2018 10:54

No way!! I never understand this. Kids need to learn to travel in a car sat in the back. What if your driving him on your own? He has to manage then. also about pecking order. Kids in the back.
When I see kids in the front and adults in the back I'm a bit wtf?!?

llangennith · 22/07/2018 10:56

He'll be starting school soon! Time to stop his tantrums about sitting in the back on his own.
By having this 'discussion' about it in front of your son your husband is showing him that a tantrum is an effective method of getting your own way.
You have to stand firm and refuse to go in the car with them unless both adults sit in the front. This is one you really do need to win.
Tbh between that and letting DS sit in the front I think your DH is a bit of a knob.