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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sit in the front seat....?

191 replies

PineapplePrincess · 22/07/2018 09:35

Since DS was a baby, either me or DH has sat in the back seat of the car with him.

Made sense when he was a baby, but DS is now four.

DH is still pretty insistent that I sit in the back seat, mostly to ensure he stays awake during the car ride and not disturb with the bedtime schedule. But can insist at times that doesn’t impact bedtime, as apparently it’s just ‘easier that way’.

If I refuse, he’s been known to leave me in the passenger seat and for him to sit in the back - forcing me to move to drivers seat. My point is that DS is now old enough to sit in the back alone, so him moving is not helping.

DS has now got use to someone sitting with him all the time, and can become insistent that someone does too.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 22/07/2018 10:59

You drive. Complain because you don't like his driving/ don't like sitting in the back/ it's his turn to sit with ds.

If he refuses to then his opinion of you drive to slow is also invalid

I'd stand my ground. If he's the one so dead set on the idea let him do some of the donkey work.

ChuffingNorah · 22/07/2018 11:00

Honestly PineapplePrincess, there's something fundamentally wrong here that another baby won't resolve. This is about power and control for your husband.

llangennith · 22/07/2018 11:00

Btw most kids (and some adults) fall asleep in the car. It doesn't usually mean bedtime being deferred for longer than about 30 mins. Maybe your DH's obsession with sleep is the cause of DS's bad sleeping habits.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/07/2018 11:03

I do understand the sleep thing. If my ds (4 almost 5) falls asleep for 30 mins or so later in the day, he won't go down at his normal time.

But at that age there are loads of other things he could be doing to stop himself falling asleep. Do you have colouring in the back, Where's Wally books etc?

Your dh sounds less like he's bothered about ds and more like he wants a journey where you do all the entertaining and then ds goes to bed at night like a good little lamb.

fieryginger · 22/07/2018 11:04

Ya 100% nbu.

Your partner is being silly.

LockedOutOfMN · 22/07/2018 11:11

DH is BU, and also quite weird.

Presumably DS will stay awake if you chat to him or sing along to music together or he has a toy to play with in the back?

MsPavlichenko · 22/07/2018 11:12

This is abuse you realise that? It's a form of coercive controll. Over and above your DS possibly being spoiled he is witnessing a very unhealthy dynamic. One in which the man insists the woman does as he says regardless of what she wants herself. Or indeed what is best.

You might want to think about whether or not he is controlling in other ways. It can be very insidious by the way.

He is also being controlling re your DS in my opinion. Of course we try and keep wee ones awake during the day if possible but at what point is he going to let DS choose for himself?

Lucisky · 22/07/2018 11:17

Your husband sounds like a control freak. Also you say if you don't do what he wishes it causes an argument. Is this true in other areas too, not just relating to child/car? You really need to start standing your ground because it will only get worse.
And I hate it when men criticise women's driving for spurious reasons - just more control freakery. Stand your ground. I like the idea of sitting in the front with a book and refreshments and waiting him out.

BakedBeans47 · 22/07/2018 11:18

Your DH is a fucking idiot

ForalltheSaints · 22/07/2018 11:19

I think if DS's insistence is an issue you need to confront this perhaps with some short journeys with just you driving and DS without DH.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/07/2018 11:21

Ah. I was about to ask if someone once told him to avoid naps at all costs due to bedtime routines (I suspected interfering MiL of whom he hangs on every word) and he is hanging onto it for dear life. I suspect it's probably the advice from the sleep psychologist.

Rocinante1 · 22/07/2018 11:22

This is insane. It's also just bloody stupid. Stop treating him like he's a baby.

And why does he have an iPad in the car for a 30 minute/1 hour journey? That's ridiculous. He should be looking out of the window and engaging with the world around him. He should be learning how to be bored and manage that with patience. He should not have His face stuck in a screen whenever he gets in the car.

Some parents...

Shumpalumpa · 22/07/2018 11:26

Sit in the front. If he gets in the back with ds. Get out of the car. Go back in the house.

Agree with this.

Also, not sure if prodding and tickling DS to keep him away is a good solution anyway.

nicebitofquiche · 22/07/2018 11:30

One of my relatives has been in the back of the car since she was a baby with both parents in the front. They often drive for up to 7 hours because they live in a different part of the country. She doesn't have an iPad just books and toys. Shes 4 now and it's never been an issue. Can't understand why you even started doing this. I'd always drive and let your OH sit in the back if that's what he wants to do.

3boys3dogshelp · 22/07/2018 11:32

This is bizarre! I really agree that you need to change this, for your ds sake more than your own.
If he is four I expect he is starting school in September- he needs to learn that sometimes he has to wait to get attention, sometimes things are boring he has to be patient and he has to go to bed at bedtime even if he doesn’t feel tired yet. You would be doing him a huge disservice to send him to school still expecting to get his own way by screaming at grown ups!

lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2018 11:33

Oh I do understand the 'nap prevention' point, we've done this. Car naps can make a massive difference with dd, half an hour nap resulting in a bedtime two hours later and a grotty following day. Totally worth avoiding if possible.

Though, on longer journeys, we just accept them and that dc is going to be up until our bedtime.

categed · 22/07/2018 11:34

It does sound like you both need to sit down and talk about this. Your feelings carry as much weight as his so there needs to be a compromise.

As for safety, everyone is safer in the rear on the whole. Children up to 13 are recomended to stay sitting in the rear. Rear facing for children up to 6 is 5x safer. However as parents you will both have made decisions about what you are comfortable with in the car this decision now needs to reached on where tge adult sits.

My dd2 can sleep for 5-10 mins in the car which will be the difference between sleeping at 7pm or 11-12pm so i can understand the stress of them falling asleep but it can't rule your life.

So no yanbu.

Phyllisss · 22/07/2018 11:34

All of this sounds crazy.

  1. Your child can manage fine in the back alone.
  1. Why provide an ipad for journeys of only 30/60 mins? He is missing out on seeing the world if his face is in front of a screen the whole time. Sad
whatshouldIdo999 · 22/07/2018 11:36

The only time I sat with either of our DCs in the back was on the way back from hospital after they were born.

I don't really understand the issue here, You sound a bit meek. Just say "I don't want to sit in the back so will sit in the front" if he insists DS needs company he can offer it. He sounds very controlling and odd.

I get the nap avoidance issue but is this really still an issue at 4 years old?

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 11:37

It really won't be the end of the world if your son has a later bedtime occasionally, sleep problems or no sleep problems. And the fact that, if anyone has to keep him awake, your husband thinks it has to be you is very revealing. He clearly wants to have his cake and eat it: not have the bother of keeping him awake, and not have the bother of dealing with a later bedtime.

rainbowlou · 22/07/2018 11:51

This sounds like such hard work!
I don’t think I ever considered sitting in the back with mine, and if they fell asleep and went to bed slightly later than usual it really isn’t the end of the world?

ConcealDontFeel · 22/07/2018 11:55

I am another who sympathises with the nap point. Any nap during the day for my three year old is an utter disaster. A 30 minute car nap can literally be the difference between her going to sleep at 7 or 11pm. It’s a nightmare.

I give her my phone and the Disney app. Seems to work most of the time but sometimes it’s just unavoidable and you need to just deal with the consequences.

We have two kids so sitting in the back isn’t an option but tbh I wouldn’t anyway. If they decide they’re going to sleep, my gurning mug beside them isn’t going to stop that (and I’d probably fall asleep anyway) 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am tired of witnessing women taking utter controlling nonsense from their husbands/partners though. Infuriating.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2018 11:59

When dd was little she had a thing of if she fell asleep too close to bed time she wouldn’t be ready for bed until she’d been awake for 4 hours. Cue some very late nights. We learnt to deal with it by returning home after bedtime so she slept in the car and could be transferred to bed or returning a few hours before.

I do understand where your dh is coming from. But your ds is 4 and I imagine is starting to be more flexible now. I imagine your dh hasn’t moved on from the baby/toddler stage yet and fears lack of sleep.

Basically though he’s being an arse.

raviolidreaming · 22/07/2018 12:02

Exactly what whatshouldIdo999 said.

MissClareRemembers · 22/07/2018 12:18

I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriages OP. Flowers

Can I gently ask, has DH always been like this or has it worsened since your miscarriages? Is he very overprotective in other ways?

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