Anyone else have no friends?

[shirl9494]

Not really an AIBU but just wondered if there's anyone else out there like me.

I have no friends, and I haven't since school. From what I've seen, most people's best friends were met when they were at school/university, and it's hard to meet close friends after this point anyway. I lost touch with my school friends a long time ago, and didn't really gel with anyone at university.

Ever since, the only people I've had any social contact with have been colleagues and that's a very different kind of relationship. We'd get on well and socialise at work events, but when I left the jobs that was it (as it should be). People move on, and colleagues aren't the same as friends.

Usually I am fine with being a loner, as I don't mind doing things alone. But sometimes I think maybe I am a bit weird. I don't have any friends I can call about problems or to gossip with, I don't have any girlfriends to meet for drinks, go on holiday with, go shopping with etc etc. I've accepted this as my normal but I can't think of anyone else like me IRL.

Anyone else the same?

To all of you who feel friendless and don't want it to be that way, you have my complete sympathy. It can be hard to break into cliques of established groups.
My best friends are from work and our friendships have got better since we've both left jobs. I think you don't accumulate more and more friends, but replace friendships other than really special ones as some relationships work best in the situation you meet someone and that's ok. I have got involved with charity work (without really setting out to ) and met people there through regular meet ups where the focus has been the charity work not the social side so it took the pressure off. It did take a couple of years to firmly establish myself and the group was very focused on fundraising socials. I would be behind the bar so pressure off but chance to chat to lots of people. Meeting other people who are also lonely is a good idea too as they are already on the market for a friend. My family and I met an elderly lady this way who we still keep in touch with. Developing friendships does take effort and time and a genuine interest in others but I completely get that for some people socialising and constantly putting yourself out there can be exhausting.

This is one of a few similar threads recently, perhaps there needs to be a more regular thread dedicated to this? A way to feel less alone or where to get practical support or just to chat with others who understand.

I agree, blessthekids, I wish there was a topic somewhere or that we could start a regular thread.

I'm struggling through a bout of depression and really feeling the extra weight of loneliness on top.

I feel so alone and so fed up with feeling like this.

@hudyerwheesht

💐 for you! I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Are you getting any support from your GP?

No friends here. I have colleges that I sometimes socialise with after work but apart from that nope. Also now on mat leave so don't really see them anymore either.

Thank you blessthekids!

No, long time struggle- gave up on meds ages ago.

I hope we can keep this thread going a bit longer.

Me too. We’ve moved often and don’t live anywhere near family, school or university friends. I find socialising exhausting and the idea of asking people round to mine is uncomfortable. I join committees and church things to get to know people so there are people where I live who are friendly but as others have said, they probably have friends going way back. I’m 45 and too old to be bothered with the whole effort of getting new people to like me. I feel a pang of missing out occasionally when I realise others are going out for drinks or meeting for coffee but that’s life.

I think it’s definitely possible to make and build good friendships as an adult.
I have no friends from my youth, only have polite FB contact with people from school/college, so no friends that I’ve grown up with. However I do have a really good group of friends that are made up of colleagues (past and present), a woman I met doing my degree (OU study so only 6yrs ago) and women that are married to my ex-husbands friends so a randomn mix! Lol!
In fact between them they’re all currently planning my Hen Party for later this year.
My baby DS is 8mths old and despite going to groups etc I haven’t made any ‘mummy friends’ as I don’t really know how to approach people though...it doesn’t feel natural in the same way you’d get to know a colleague who you see every day.

I have one friend (Heidi,) who I have known since I was 5, who lives 30 miles from me, (we are 50-ish now, and both have kids over 16,) and I see her once every 2 months for coffee and a chat. Apart from that I don't bother with anyone except DH and my 2 kids.

I had quite a lot of friends in my late teens and early 20's, who I went out clubbing and partying with, and also on holiday with. I never went to uni or college and started work at 16. In my late 20's and early 30's I had lots of 'mummy friends,' and went to loads of kiddie parties and theme parks with them, and on lot of school trips.

Once I hit late 30's my friends dried up, (as they moved on, and moved away etc,) and I found myself at 40 with not a single friend. (Even 'Heidi,' who I knew from the age of 5 was living 300 miles away at that time, and I didn't see her for 4-5 years.) It got really hard to make new friends, and over 3 or 4 years or so, I got used to just being alone and entertaining myself (when the kids and DH weren't with me!)

This past 10 years, I have just found life easier without lots of friends, and although it can be a bugbear occasionally (like I have no-one to socialise with and go out with except DH and my kids, and 'Heidi' who I see 6-7 times a year,) for the most part, it's a blessing, as I don't get any hassle from anyone.

Basically, when I think about it, over the years I have been used, and shit on by people who were meant to be friends.They all started out OK, but eventually I was stabbed in the back, bullied, hurt badly, or ghosted by them. (Or all 4 of the above!)

So I don't get close to anyone now, and keep people at arm's length. I have had a couple of women (fairly recently,) try to push their way into my life big time, by inviting me to their house, and then expecting an invite back. (I never went to theirs,) and asking for lifts to places. I make excuses every time. I don't want to be their friend. I am civil and polite and friendly, but that's as far as it goes; I can't be arsed.

Doesn't sound like a great way to live for some I guess, but it suits me. DH is exactly the same. We have each other and our kids and that's all we need. If DH left tomorrow and the kids left the country, I would be alone, but frankly, I don't care, and prefer it this way. No close friends, no hassle, or anyone using me, or shitting on me, or falling out with me and causing me grief.

And I would still have my cats! (And I'd still see Heidi every other month for a coffee!)

So don't feel too bad @shirl9494 there is nothing wrong with you.

Daisy, I can relate to much of what you say.
I have moved constantly all my life . As a child, friendships were disrupted each time. I didn’t make friends at Uni who lasted, as I was older than everyone else (went late). Then married and moved to the other end of the country. Each time I made a friend we would move again.
I find myself now with a few friends who do not live near me, who I hear from sporadically.
My best friend is OH who also has no friends! He has immersed himself in his job, and friendships fell by the wayside.
We look around now in our fifties and realise we have no real friends! I am over invested in my adult children, and have no one to talk to about my worries . Poor relationships with siblings and mother.
I think in this social media generation we are made to feel like werewolves if we aren’t mega popular. It can feel like you are a total failure for not having a wide social network.From this thread though it seems not to be so unusual.
When I look back I also see a string of friendships where I was stabbed in the back or let down somehow. I am tired of trying,but also feel very lonely at times.

Same here

Made worse by my job which is freelance. I'm never at the one client more than a year. I also work all over the country (sometimes out of the country) so am am away mon-fri.

Most "things to do to meet people" are mon-thur nights - I'm never at home then and there's no point joining something in the area I'm working a I' be moving on.

At weekends, even if there was something on, I want to spend it with DH.

Loneliness is a strange beast. I have friends and some very close friends but yet I often feel lonely. I don't think I am depressed as I am pretty optimistic human being. I also don't talk about feeling lonely in real life as I think that is not something people like to hear and I guess it is also embarrassing to admit to it. The thing is that even if I made a shed load more friends, I don't think it would help, I think I am just very bad at being comfortable in my own skin and instead I play several different roles with friends which leaves me exhausted and sometimes frustrated afterwards.

its interesting to read the mix of experiences, those who want more friends, those who don't want or need friends and everyone in between. With friendships, I always think there is an element of luck, its not just about getting on with someone but also about whether both of you have the space in your life for each other. I also think that as you get older, you get more picky, I remember at school that half the people I was good friends with, I didn't like! What was the phrase from that film 'she's my best friend, I hate her'.

@hudyerwheesht

Would some sort of talking therapy help? How can we help on this thread?

Strange thing friendship. Particularly amongst women.

Some people don't seem to need it that much. I always have. But I'm not quite sure why.

I am quite wierd and quirky, very self-centred. But I make a fab friend. I'm good fun and a very good listener if someone has problems.

I have always had lots of close friendships and have always craved closeness. I still have a small number of close friends and also lots acquaintances.

I can always go to any party. My closest school friend recently told me that when she has a party, she never worries about me and can always put me next to her most difficult/shy friend : "because Oblomov will talk to anyone"!

But things changed for me a few years ago when a group fell apart. I realised that in my nature I just liked pretty much everyone and just accepted people for what they were, without giving it much thought. Then I realised that most others didn't and there had been a lot of bitching. It hurt me and I think I've stepped back from friendships since.

I still have 5 close friends and go on holiday with one group a lot. And spend a lot of time with ds1's football team mums and we go out a lot. And go on on holidays a lot together. But it has changed from before. Maybe I'm not so trusting.

I’ve never really had friends, except for a couple when I was at school. As I’m now in my late 60s, I can’t really see things changing.

I think it was a case of never finding someone on the same wavelength. I’d describe myself as geeky, and that wasn’t an acceptable thing for girls when I was young.

When I’ve done online tests for autism in females, I score quite high for that. But I don’t know if that’s because I truly do have autism, or whether those tests are capturing what I’ve ended up becoming.

I have lost whatever I had of the art of conversation. Even writing something on Facebook is a bit of a trial.

But I keep busy by learning (I spend a lot of money on lecture courses on DVD). A lot of science stuff, but I’ve recently got into the history of Eastern Europe and the Middle East and the bit in between (Ottomans/Turkey). Huge history and geography that’s led to current problems.

I don’t think I feel lonely, but I’ve never had a learning buddy and that makes me feel very sad.

I have a best friend who I have had for 20 years but I hardly ever see her and tbh I enjoy seeing her but certainly not often. I have my kids, my parents and my dogs and I just don't want to spend any time or energy on anyone else. I'm a cheery person and say hello to loads of the same people round and about and that is enough for me.

I’m more or less in the same boat. All my friends at school (and me) scattered all over the place for uni and work (I was in a semi-rural village and there wasn’t much there at all) and so I don’t have a regular “old school friends” group like lots of people seem to have in bigger cities where they’ve been able to also go to uni and/or get a job.

Same happened after uni - friends went back home to work or moved away.

I lived in London for a while with DH but my colleagues all had families or had a big commmute so next to socialising there. London is so spread out and it came as a shock to discover that socialising was actually quite difficult because people lived so far apart.

The “Mum friends” is a bit of a myth these days with so many mums havinf to take he bare minimum of maternity leave. I was lucky in that I was able to not work for 4 years when mine were little. However I was disappointed to discover that actually not many people were in the same boat. Most mums I meant had to go back to work and the ones that didn’t had kids that mine didn’t really gel with so there were not as many meet-ups as I would have hoped.

Luckily Mum didn’t work so I was able to get my social fix by visit them. I did have friends from my previous job but then the organisation got disbanded and again, peopel’s lives went separate ways and we now only text occasionally or message on Facebook rather than meet up.

I did enjoy chatting to certain parents at the school gates for a few years and have made a couple of friends who I am still in touch with and really gel with. But illness has meant they struggle to socialise so everything is done over messenger! Another one I catch up with every few weeks with a cuppa but thatms it really. No nights out as she can’t afford it.

I get on great with one of my colleagues. Really really in the same wavelength. But we seem to only end up going out once a year as we do enjoy being with our families at weekends. Even my sister is busy doing family stuff of her own at weekends and we both need to do housework as we both work full time so there is just minimal time for actually getting together.

So no, I don’t have the big group of old friends who seem to holiday together regularly etc either. Although that sounds hellishly expensive!

I am quite introverted so generally happy with my situation anyway. Just enough socialising with family and friends for my liking! Although I always think that if DH suddenly wasn’t here and the kids left home then I might be quite lonely.

I do think that the neighbours/community thing has gone, thanks to both husband and wife in a family having to work full time. In the old days in the 70s my mum didn’t work and neither did a few of the neighbours so there was always someone popping in and out.

People’s Woking hours often don’t match up so we do tend to rely on colleagues for our social fix during the day. But then, those with families also have to rush home to be with them/cook dinner etc and it’s hard to then find the time in the evening especially if you need to organise a babysitter.

There must be LOTS of people in the same boat.

I just moved here last year, I thought after I had our daughter I might meet some people at baby and Mum groups. However after probably reading MN too much I now won't approach anyone.

I'm introverted and get really uncomfortable talking to new people. Every time I open my mouth and they stare at obviously American me, I assume they're staring because they hate Americans.

I feel very alone and unwanted in the UK as a whole.

@LeighaJ

However after probably reading MN too much I now won't approach anyone

Everybody's experience is different and indeed every group has a different dynamic so please give it a go before throwing in the towel. I know it isn't easy. I used to volunteer at a baby group, and other volunteers were super nice plus when you are one, other mums seek you out as they assume you will be a friendly and kindly voice - we were! So seek out some of the organisers and see if they would like a hand, even if all you can do is put a few toys away. I also think that a lot of new mums use all their energy trying to keep up appearances and the result is that they can appear a bit aloof so don't take it personally. You are not unwanted!

blessthekids thank you for just asking- that alone helped me to not feel so isolated. I have had lots of talking (and other types) of therapy. I generally struggle through but the loneliness does make it harder.

I'm introverted and get really uncomfortable talking to new people. Every time I open my mouth and they stare at obviously American me, I assume they're staring because they hate Americans

I know exactly what you mean - I'm Scottish and totally self conscious about my accent, particularly in a group. I'm cringing so much when I hear my voice compared to everyone else's- sucks doesn't it?!

Hi, well I was pleased to see there are others like me. I don't have friends, my neighbour calls me Billy no mates, I find it's hard to find people to build friendships with as I work all hours, times I'm off others are working.. so no your clearly not alone. It does make for a lonely life from time to time, I find it hard when having troubles with my child as I don't have parents either so it's sometimes a real problem. So no your not strange or anything else.

@Teen13nightmare "my neighbour calls me Billy no mates" Your neighbour sounds like a right charmer.

@hudyerwheesht - I think other accents are lovely! Everyone sounding or looking the same would make the world a very grey place.

I have recently discovered podcasts which have been beneficial in my life. I have been listening a lot to podcasts about people who don't always know how to live - sounds weird but its very comforting, familiar and often very funny. And it has helped me to at least try to make changes to improve my internal life and the way I speak to myself.

I feel your pain, I’m 36 years old and I struggle to make friends and feel really drepressed about it, as like a lot of you see around you, everyone else has close friendships but not me, I have a friend who only texted when she needed a favour and then the last time I said no I haven’t heard from her since so came to the conclusion that she was using me. at work everyone else seems to get on really well but I’m always left out its like no one wants to talk to me, I make effort and try really hard but not to hard as I no that can be off putting but I guess I’m just not a likeable person and sometimes I think oh well I’m not supposed to have friends and try to get on with life but it’s hard as I really want a friend, I just want one friend one best friend who respects me and wants to be my friend not out of pity or because I do them favours because they actually like spending there time with me. It’s nice but sad at the same time, that other people feel the same as sometimes I feel so alone like I’m a loser or weird like I don’t belong here.