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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone else have no friends?

232 replies

shirl9494 · 21/07/2018 20:39

Not really an AIBU but just wondered if there's anyone else out there like me.

I have no friends, and I haven't since school. From what I've seen, most people's best friends were met when they were at school/university, and it's hard to meet close friends after this point anyway. I lost touch with my school friends a long time ago, and didn't really gel with anyone at university.

Ever since, the only people I've had any social contact with have been colleagues and that's a very different kind of relationship. We'd get on well and socialise at work events, but when I left the jobs that was it (as it should be). People move on, and colleagues aren't the same as friends.

Usually I am fine with being a loner, as I don't mind doing things alone. But sometimes I think maybe I am a bit weird. I don't have any friends I can call about problems or to gossip with, I don't have any girlfriends to meet for drinks, go on holiday with, go shopping with etc etc. I've accepted this as my normal but I can't think of anyone else like me IRL.

Anyone else the same?

OP posts:

SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 03:13

I don't have any either. I suppose I do have one but she lives in Australia - we met in university and she went back after graduation. I haven't seen her in years as neither of us can afford the flights.

I have "friends" via social media but it's not the same at all. I socialise with work colleagues but only really at team building events. I used to socialise with work colleagues in my old job but as soon as I left that was it and I haven't spoken to them in about 6 months when I left the job.

SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 03:15

Oh and DP doesn't really have any friends either. It's hard because people in work are always saying they're doing xyz at the weekend with various different friends. And I'm like oh great, I'm hanging out with DSD and DP as usual. Which don't get me wrong is lovely, I love them to bits, but sometimes it'd be nice to have a friend to share things with too.

I honestly don't know how people make friends. I've always found it really difficult to and very hard to fit in.

LuvMyBubbles · 22/07/2018 04:50

Going that is disgusting behaviour.
You don’t deserve that

SarahH12 · 22/07/2018 04:53

going your "friends" are awful, they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm so sorry you're going through this LuvMyBubbles is right, you absolutely do not deserve that, you deserve so much more.

SerenDippitty · 22/07/2018 05:09

I like to think that if I'm ever in a position where I feel terribly lonely or isolated (if something were to happen to my husband, mainly), I'd be able to forge new friendships of some type, with time. They wouldn't be the same as those lifelong bonds that some people have, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be valuable and worthwhile.

Yes me too. I’m actually not a bad “joiner” of things, clubs, choirs etc just find “clicking” with people difficult.

FindoGask · 22/07/2018 05:22

@whatwouldyoubelikeat28 I think people are great! I'm endlessly interested in people, I'm a great listener, and I've been described as 'optimistic' (I don't think of myself that way) because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see conflict from both sides rather than always assuming I'm in the right. It might be comforting to think that people who have no friends are in that situation because they deserve it, but it's not always the case!

cpjoli · 22/07/2018 05:26

I had a friend from work. Then she got promoted in may and ditched me as she is now management.
I realise why I don't have friends but it's a damn lonely existence without.

Blessthekids · 22/07/2018 05:42

💐for all of you. Reading this makes me sad. I hope that I would always have time for someone who wanted to go for coffee. Friendships can take time, be a real slow burn in fact but these days it seems people get disheartened quickly or just stick to the first group/person that talks to them. I think this makes it hard for those who aren't extoverts or socially confident. Saying this I admire those who are happy in their own company. I'm not hence the fact I have some people in my life that really shouldn't be. If anyone is in london, likes musuems then......

Tiredbeyondbelief · 22/07/2018 05:49

I used to have friends from university. But I have moved around a lot and so have they. I work from home so no chance of making friends in the workplace. My kids have friends but their parents never seem to translate into real friends, more acquaintances. I have signed up to book clubs, yoga, and hobby groups, but again everyone seems so insanely busy and no one has the time for a coffee or a proper talk. I haven't given up on these though, am going to keep trying. I have one friend left but I don't want to rely on her too much. My kids are teens now and ( understandably) doing their own thing. I would kill for someone to go for a movie with on the weekend.

I am pretty outgoing and interested in a lot of things, so if I can't make friends, I can only imagine how tough it is for others. The loneliness is crushing and shame making, as another poster said. There are sites for all kinds of things, but I think no one has yet figured out one to solve this conundrum.

BolleauxtoBankers · 22/07/2018 06:31

Goingalonenow - that it awful, it was horrifying to read, so must be even worse for you to be going through it. But how unutterably childish of your colleagues. I don't know what to say, I just wanted to acknowledge your pain.

Upsy1981 · 22/07/2018 06:31

Maybe the PP is on to something, an online friendship finder? At least then you know that the people on there are open to finding new friends so it eradicates that first hurdle and you can see whether you have anything in common right away (although doesn't always have to be lots in common, just a similar outlook). Dragon's Den, here we come!

madcatladyforever · 22/07/2018 06:34

I'm a natural hermit, I like being alone and have been divorced twice. I went through periods of having no friends but find now I'm older I make friends easier and feel they are essential really.

MayContainBrain · 22/07/2018 06:45

Most of my close friends live at least 60 odd miles away- my best best friends (4 of us) I’m lucky if I see them all either together or separately 2 or 3 times a year. It’s just life- all of us working, one of them has a young DC. Two live in the same city 60 miles away (not together and maybe see each once or twice a year without us 2 others), the other is a good 200 miles away.

I’m 28 and honestly at a age when the monthly staff night out is enough for me- I have friends I have met through mutual friends, hobbies and previous jobs that I can call on for a drink/shopping trip etc but again it’s a handful of times a year.

I have a roomate who I get on with and we will have a drink together, day out etc but I doubt we will see much of each other when she moves on (and she’s planning on doing so at the end of the year)

I’m far from a loner but much prefer a night in front of the TV with a bottle of wine. I go on solo holidays or as like my next one with DP.

It’s very possible to meet friends later in life- my mum has a wide circle of friends some she met through work, some she met when me and my brother were at school and the majority (about 85%) she met through her hobbies.

MayContainBrain · 22/07/2018 06:46

Upsy- already exists. Bumble the dating app for example has a friends matchmaking service.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 22/07/2018 07:11

No close friends ATM, no. I've got DH, work colleagues and friends I chat with on Facebook.

I've had periods of having people I would consider "good friends" for varying lengths of time, most recently for about 6 years, but I find it difficult to put in the energy necessary to maintain friendships and my go-to reaction to friendship crisis's is to just walk away.

Not sure if this was because we moved around a lot when I was a kid, so dealing with losing friends was easier if I just cut all ties, or if its a result of being bullied in high school, or my ADHD or what.

Generally I think I'm better off just focusing on DH, my DC's and my DP's & DB. Anything more than that on plate and I get overwhelmed.

goldopals · 22/07/2018 07:44

Me. I'm so socially awkward that it is difficult for me to interact with others. I find it hard to read social cues; such as when it is appropriate to join a conversation. So often I contribute to a conversation only to find I was never meant to be involved.

My colleagues are nice enough to me, but we don't have a relationship outside of work. I use to join sports teams just to have some outside contact. I've only just moved from a place where it took literally years for me to make a few friends.

Most of the time I'm happy enough as it is; I've a wonderful husband and my old church family is wonderful but I've not made those connections. I feel so lonely at times.

It doesn't help that I hate leaving the house after I get in at night. It sucks when you move across the country.

Assburgers · 22/07/2018 08:14

I knew you were on the spectrum @MrSpock 😁. I’m getting that feeling from a few people on here.

goingalonenow that’s awful. How did you find out about it?

Tiredbeyondbelief · 22/07/2018 08:28

Those of you who say your husband is your best friend, do you not worry about what happens if your husband passes and your children move away? Most women in my family outlive their husbands by 20 years or more.

When I lost my father a few years ago, I could see how my mother kept going because she had a huge network of friends and family. Other women I know who did not have any friends just seemed to wither away. I enjoy my own company, but I really don't want to grow old alone.

AhhhhThatsBass · 22/07/2018 08:42

I’ve often found that you’re more likely to find people with no friends on mumsnet/similar Internet forums than IRL.
If fact I often find my own mild obsession with AIBU a bit odd given I have lots of friends anyone that doesn’t, no children with SEN, no mental health issues, never discussed vulva/vagina and have never gone “No Contact” with anyone, all of which proliferate on mumsnet.

MrSpock · 22/07/2018 08:48

I knew you were on the spectrum @MrSpock 😁. I’m getting that feeling from a few people on here.

My username is my childhood nickname lol

Polarbearflavour · 22/07/2018 09:03

I have DP but no other real friends in the place we are living now. He’s in the military so we occasionally go for dinner with some of his friends and their wives/DPs. They are all very nice but I don’t know how to take it to the next level! Do I add a wife on Facebook or do I ask for her number and invite her for coffee?!

I have 3 very good friends from school and uni but due to distance/children etc I see then maybe 2/3 times a year now but we text regularly.

I’ve just changed jobs here - my old office was toxic so no friends there. I have a couple of old colleagues I whatsapp and occasionally have dinner with when location allows. New job seems nicer so maybe I’ll make a real friend!

I never understand how on Don’t Tell the Bride, the Bride always has a dozen bridesmaids or women at her hen do. I would be struggling to find anybody.

I’m not a massive people person. It might be nice to have more friends but I get annoyed and tired after a few hours socialising.

Assburgers · 22/07/2018 09:29

MrSpock mine was Data!!! And I hate Data 😒

ItsHot · 22/07/2018 09:31

Tired
^Those of you who say your husband is your best friend, do you not worry about what happens if your husband passes and your children move away? Most women in my family outlive their husbands by 20 years or more.*

Huge assumption there that you will outlive your DH regardless of what the norm is in your family. You could get run over by a bus tomorrow.

Statistically women do tend to live longer than men, but I wouldn’t infer front thatthat every woman will outlive her DH, and therefore, should have a femLe best friend. That’s just bizarre!

What will happen if your best female friend passes? You get on with life?

ItsHot · 22/07/2018 09:32

I’ve often found that you’re more likely to find people with no friends on mumsnet/similar Internet forums than IRL.

That shouldn’t be surprising at all.

Liffydee · 22/07/2018 09:35

I only have one one real friend, we used to be in care together. We met 14 years ago. I have people I chat to that’s about it. I’m awful in social situations and I actively avoid them so it’s hardly surprising! In contrast my friend makes friends wherever she goes, always has we are total opposites. My oh is exactly the same as me so safe to say we don’t get out much!

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