To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

And forget that other things are still important.

I think you’re being incredibly naive though. If you’re barely surviving on s few hours sleep with a colicky baby, no exercise, no time to cook healthy food, there’s few things more important than you and the baby surviving.

I'm childfree by choice and these days I see friends telling me they're having a baby much the same way as announcing they're emigrating. They're still your mates, but they won't be there any more, at least not in the same way, for a very long time.
I don't want to sit at a screamy toddler tea party and pretend to be interested in prams and ooh over little outfits if that's the way they're going, as they nearly all do.
I see those people much less now, but it is possible to visit and have a glass of wine after they're in bed, isn't it? I do. One to one catch ups also results in less group general chat that's about kids.
Don't go to soft play or petting farms, that's utter masochism.
I agree about finding some new friends for the moment. It won't happen overnight but I find it hard to contemplate that anyone in their thirties can say 'right, these five people are my friends and that's it, no room for any more ever' even regardless of who has children or not.
There will be groups on Facebook etc when you've decided what to be interested in and go to. I've gone to cabaret events in my city for the last few years and made lots of new friends. Some closer, some will only ever be acquaintances but there is a whole 'scene.' Music? Sport? Art?

I work so once a week will meet with friends for a quick lunch. I'll bring my kids along often when meeting friends and pick out places good for the kiddies which don't include playgrounds or the hell that is soft play.

Current favs include pottery class, cooking class with wine pairings and cycling. Getting on a bike is great. I put the kids in the trailer and they love it.

but it is possible to visit and have a glass of wine after they're in bed, isn't it?

It definitely is for me and I’d say for the vast majority of parents I know. But, having two very young children, I would probably prioritise an early night or time with my DH over a drink with a friend I wasn’t super keen on. I think it’s a priority thing. I have friends I love and if they lived near me, I’d definitely want a glass of wine with them after dcs have gone to bed. But I do find I’m a bit less keen to go for drinks with acquaintances, whereas pre-dc I would have said yes a lot more iyswim. If these are really good friends of yours who can’t find time for a drink with you, that’s very sad, or I can only assume they’ve all been really unfortunate with lack of sleep etc, in which case, can you offer any support? That’s what I would have done pre-dc as well and what a lot of my childless acquaintances do too. If someone’s genuinely a good friend who is really struggling, they offer to help.

Honestly, I think as much as people are saying they would go for a glass of wine ... it’s just that things have changed, and they do have other mum friends now too.

Honestly, I think as much as people are saying they would go for a glass of wine ... it’s just that things have changed, and they do have other mum friends now too

I asked this earlier, but have you actually asked them?

It’s possible for people to have more than one group of friends

YANBU OP.

I have under 5s and because they take up so much of your time it's all you can find to talk about sometimes so I can imagine it can be so bloody boring.

I was the first to have kids out of my friends and really did have to try to find things to talk about that wasn't nappies or nursery or sleep training.

I think whichever side you’re on - the first to have kids and the last - you feel a bit out of it.

To answer an earlier point, I haven’t exactly ‘chosen’ not to have kids, I would like them.

I think whichever side you’re on - the first to have kids and the last - you feel a bit out of it.

I think that’s very perceptive. I dont think you or them are to blame, it’s more different life stages/paths.

The little kid stage is tiring, but I’ve also had friends who have had sudden caring responsibilities for example and dropped almost everything else. There’s only so much energy we all have.

I also think if you're planning to stay childfree for the foreseeable you do need to make a plan to become friendlier with people or attend events that aren't exclusively based around kids. Groups of mums are really really boring and if they're still having new babies it'll be like that for years yet.

'I'm childfree by choice and these days I see friends telling me they're having a baby much the same way as announcing they're emigrating'

Same here

OP, I really feel for you. It's serious isolating being a woman in your 30s without children. I have let a couple of friendships go since their children arrived and have made a couple of new friends - one who is childfree and one who has adult children. My childfree friends have become more and more important to me as time goes on

OP, don't be afraid to let friendships go. It happens. If you really care about them though, and want to stay in their lives, sit tight for the next few years and see them when you can . It won't be the same as before but their lives will settle down a bit when the kids are in school

“I dont think you or them are to blame, it’s more different life stages/paths.

The little kid stage is tiring, but I’ve also had friends who have had sudden caring responsibilities for example and dropped almost everything else. There’s only so much energy we all have”

Totally agree. It’s nobody’s fault, just how it is. It’s the same at any stage in life. Friends coupling off or going off to university for example. Anyone who stays (or becomes) single when all their friends are in couples or doesn’t go to university when all their friends do will inevitably feel a bit out of it.

The thing is, for really good friends, most people make reasonable adjustments. For example a friend of mine is the only single one in a group where we used to all be couples. It was more important to the rest of the closest friends in our group that we still see the single friend than that we all bring partners along to everything, so we don’t do couple stuff so much anymore. Partners don’t care as they aren’t as close to each other as we are, or the ones who are see each other on their own. Just an example.

I also have a friend who is childless not by choice and is very sad about it. I always meet her for lunch / drinks on our own and we don’t do any baby talk. Not a problem for me as I care about her and am lucky enough to have a supportive dh who will watch dcs while I go for the odd lunch / drink date.

Same here. Unfortunately my friends woth young kids expected me to bend my life totally around their plans as I they believe I have bags of money and spare time. I've drifted away from them and found some childfree friends. You will too.

Gosh I wonder if starting a local childfree people meet-up/activity group for new friends could take off or just be pissed over. Sounds like there's plenty of women with the same problem. Idea, op?

Unfortunately my friends woth young kids expected me to bend my life totally around their plans as I they believe I have bags of money and spare time

That’s not a people with kids problem. That’s an arsehole problem. I’m glad you made better friends.

Not sure if this has been mentioned, but have you looked at meetup.com? There's quite a lot going on.

JacquesHammer i think you're right!

Otterly, it’s not you. You sounds like a good friend. I think it’s just the life stage you are all at. Atm I’m the one with a wee one (2.5 years old) and it is bloody difficult balancing a full time job, a child, domestic life , a relationship and friends and family. I try my best but can’t always keep everyone happy. I think you should try to keep up with the friends that you really want to, but also try to meet more friends xxx

Ah redpanda, I’ll be your friend! I promise I’m not an arsehole and would love someone fun to go for childfree drinks with. I have two children but still .

Maybe we can start a regular meet up for non arseholes? Yes? Yes. Good .

Oh sorry, just saw you already have new friends. Fine then .

I think though op you can find other groups if you try? There a hundreds of women’s groups out there and literally thousands of hobby related groups and clubs. Google some near you.

Also you are young! 30s is young! Friends are just prople you havnt met yet.

I see you are child free not by choice and so all this going to soft play etc must be incredibly difficult for you? Sorry to probe a wound but you really should be honest with your friends that it’s not working for you and you arrange a take away night or such. Ok so not all will be able to go but some will.

Honestly if none of them are up for meeting at night or doing anything not child centred I would be bored rigid with them too and I had 6 kids.

For me it’s kind of the opposite.

I’m a Mum of 2 and have childless friends. I hardly ever get any time to myself, and I’m not able to meet up with my friends as often as I’d like. When I go out with friends, as much as I adore my children, I don’t want to talk about them all the time, and when they ask me questions about them, I give a brief answer then try to re-direct the conversation. I am still ‘me’ and want to talk about so many other things, just as I did before becoming a Mum.

When trying to arrange to see my friends, I always give them an option and say ‘I can meet on the 8th, but the children will have to come with me, otherwise I can do the 22nd or 29th and it’ll be just me so let me know what date you can do.’ I do that so that they have a choice to see me with or without my children.

I prefer to meet up without my children so that I can relax, swear if I feel like it, and not have my conversation interrupted. I can then go home and be ‘Mum’ again.

I find it extremely difficult to make friends with women I meet in playgrounds or at nursery, as I find most don’t talk about themselves or about anything else apart from their children. I have tried to talk about non-child things, but I don’t usually get very far.

I'm exactly like you Argeles

Yes agree Argelers although meet ups with kids in kid venues you really arnt going to be talking politics and religion are you?

Get those same moms in an adult venue and hopefully most are capable of Convos not centred on kids.

I couldn’t be doing with people so obsessed with parenting they are incapable of discussing anything else.