To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.
However.....
You have to decide if you want to be friends with these ladies long term. I still have an excellent friendship with two friends who don’t have children (I have a 2 yr old and 5 yr old) but it’s only because
A) I make a special effort to sort out childcare so that I can see them in the evenings and
B) they are understanding of the fact that I can’t see them at a moment’s notice and need to plan ahead.
But we both need to make some effort...
They don’t want to meet me when I have two kids in towand likewise I’d rather see them when alone so we can chat....

Slanetylor
Yes, I think understanding does need to go two ways. In many different scenarios.

My best friends have been very good when my children were young. But also had gone through things themselves. A busy internship where they worked/ slept for a year and didn’t meet me. Or a trip abroad when we were younger and could afford to visit more than once.
We lasted through that. So maybe that helped. Others who haven’t needed that leeway haven’t been as good. But it’s ok not to understand.

YANBU, OP. Having children basically completely rewrites your life and your priorities. It's weird and hard and exhausting, and it takes you a while to figure it out - and then just when you think you have, your baby starts crawling, or you go back to work, or you have another child, and everything changes again.

I started out trying really hard to maintain friendships with childless people, and it got increasingly harder as DS got older and capable of creating more chaos. A coffee with a baby is lovely. A coffee with a two-year-old is harrowing. Friendships with people with children became much easier as they had toys to distract DS with, and I didn't spend the whole time apologising, and they were happy to talk about kids.

I do apologise - I get that this must suck for my childfree friends. Rest assured that if you hang in there for a couple of years, it will get easier, and they will come out the other side and really value the fact that you stuck around.

@CheerfulMuddler
It’s not a couple of years though is it? It’s more like 10

What I would like to say to a lot of women with kids, is for the love of god, don’t give up on your friendships, work as hard at them as you do with your dp or or dc.

Some People seem think friendships are not important relationships in life. That once you’ve got you’re dh/dp and you’re family that you do not need to try.

The amount of women I know that have broken marriages around 12 years. NO friends. NO job. All because they just discarded those things in life. They are fucked now. Totally fucked, middle aged and haven’t made any effort to keep other relationships outside of family going.

I am not saying that’s all people at all. But it’s not uncommon. And the men, they seem to be able to continue with friendship groups and work, so never end up feeling so isolated.

You might feel slightly sorry for your 30ish single friends now, but never count your chickens.

If you don't have kids and your friends do.... it's game over.
They change completely and want to be around their mumsy peer groups.
I'd advise you to keep in touch loosely but to get out there and find a new social circle with your own peer group.
When said kids are older you can then possibly reconnect.
But stop trying to fit in with their world.
It won't work.

I’ve got a friends that don’t have kids , I wouldn’t expect them to meet me at soft plays etc. It’s impossible to have a proper catch up with kids running around . Could u not arrange to meet them without the kids for a girls night out ?
Then maybe they wud b delighted not to talk about kids !!

They change completely and want to be around their mumsy peer groups

Woah that’s a bit of a sweeping generalisation!

A couple of friends had babies before i did and we used to arrange to meet in a bar in town with other friends sometimes and friends with babies would, after a cocktail or two, start to talk and behave exactly as they had before babies came along! It depends on whether your friends have people they can rely on to look after dc in the evening, people dc are close to and comfortable with, and other things, as to how easy it is to do that.

If you'd like babies yourself I'd say focus on that, and keep the friends, as well as socialising with new babyless people too.

They change completely and want to be around their mumsy peer groups

FGS. Maybe some do. That doesn’t mean all of us mums have a personality transplant.

My two best mates had children long before I did and we certainly grew apart as our lives were so different. No falling out or plan, we just naturally drifted. Years later we drifted back together and we are as close as we ever were (Although I am jealous that as they had kids younger they now have grandkids whilst I have an empty nest).

It’s a variation on the saying ‘if you love somebody, set them free’. If it’s a true friendship it will survive a few years apart. Another friend who drifted away when I had my kids never drifted back, I miss her sometimes but as a friendship it obviously wasn’t meant to be.

Look for some friends at a similar life stage to you and see what happens with your old friends. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

YANBU.

I had coffee with a friend recently. She's just had a baby and I brought my DS(1). He's just starting to walk and being in a non-boddler proof house was so exciting for him. He could touch everything!

Consequently I was trying to have a conversation whilst stopping my son from eating everything/breaking things/chewing dog toys/pulling newborn off friends lap... it was not enjoyable.

I find the interruptions annoying from my own son so I don't really socialise alot. I don't mind it... it is what it is but I'd prefer to meet my friends without kids in tow and I've always been like that.

I try not to talk too much about baby things with people who don't have kids either. I think it's boring to those who don't have them. Your lives are at different points at the moment... so what if you don't see then as often. You'll still be friends with them and whenever you decide to have kids, you'll catch up again Im sure.

Why not join a group or sports club to have some new non-child-orientated friends?

Sometimes it is best to move on. I found that when the kids left primary school. I didn't miss the cliquey semi-bitchy environment one bit. Freedom!

Your hilarious!! Your freinds have kids and your on MUMSNET moaning about them! Comedy gold lov!!

One good friend changed personality after having children and is now the 'earth mother' type who talks only about children and what they said/did/ate today. You're expected to sit and do messy play with the children, and there are loud and revolting conversations about 'poo-poos' to listen to. It's not the same. I keep I touch and I hope my friend will come back one day, but I've made new ones that aren't into all of this either.

That sound tough on you OP but if they all have under 5s you never know, they may find some energy and be ready to go out out and let their hair down soon (I doubt it would be a late night though! )

Most of my friends have kids but my childless friend was a breath of fresh air in the pre school days and I have really appreciated having her to talk to and remind me there is a world out there and you can actually do things like enjoy a holiday or sleep. No way would I put them through soft play hell though, they can find that joy out for themselves. They should appreciate you but maybe consider hanging in there, the under five years are all consuming but (in my experience) you do come out of the fog and if they're good friends it will be worth it, you may find them very helpful if you do have children.

If you don't have kids and your friends do.... it's game over
They change completely and want to be around their mumsy peer groups

What nonsense.
One of my uni friends had kids years before any of us even considered it, we just made concessions and continued the friendship.
My childhood friendship group is split down the middle in terms of kids/no kids and geography is a bigger issue than children. The one who can never make dates is the one who has the busy career, no children.
My best friend hasn't got children.

I somehow, despite being a sad, uninteresting sahm to a 3 yo with complex needs manage to maintain these and other friendships that are important to me

I get where you are coming from there is only so much I can hear about baby led weaning etc. But I think some common ground can usually be found. When I chat with my friends with babies I usually find we can still bitch about our respective workplaces, talk about books, films we’ve seen, mutual friends etc. I notice that some of my parent friends are easier to find common ground with than others. But I don’t think you always have to have the same lifestyles as your friends to remain friends with them. In long term friendships, circumstances shift and lives won’t be on parallel paths forever. But of course, it is also true that not all friendships can last forever too. I get that you might find them boring sometimes but I would think twice before writing them off completely.

YANBU. I am boring as fuck. I do very little outside of work and childcare due to lack of time, babysitters and money. I don't want to go out late as I know I'll be woken at 6am. I have nothing to talk about besides work and DS.

I hear you OP. Totally. Only 2 of my closest friends have children so far (we’re 30) and I’m dreading everyone else following suit as those friendships definitely aren’t what they used to be and I do feel like I make all the effort. I don’t think I want children so not sure I’ll ever be able to relate.

I have two SIL’s that literally cannot even entertain a conversation that isn’t focused on there DC. In fact one of them actively looks pissed off and annoyed if all the attention isn’t on their DC/ the topic of convo isn’t about DC. It just amazes me how people completely lose their sense of self when they have children. They seem to forget that they weren’t born a mother and had a perfectly nice life/ perfectly capable of showing interest in other things before their children came along .

It just AlWAYS seems to be be constantly enquiring about them and their DC and I get nothing back.

It’s tough, I don’t have the answer I’m afraid. Hopefully you’ll naturally make new friends in the next few years.

I'd say just take a step back for a few years whilst they're in the baby bubble. I value seeing my child free friends more than ever now I'm finally emerging from having two tiny kide and all that comes with that. It's tough but have you got any friends without children? If so, perhaps put more energy in to that friendship for a while.
If your other friends were good friends to begin with then you will probably be ok in a few years.
Anyway, good luck. I hope it all gets sorted out xxx

You make so many friends when you have young children, yr helping each other out with play dates etc, but 10 years on you won't see them and will revert to friends you made by choice in school, so just ride it out

That’s weird. I’m a woman in my 30s. I don’t see anything telling me I should have a baby. I don’t struggle to find things to do that don’t involve children. Quite the opposite,

It’s different in that yes I do have children but I had them in my early 20s. I can assure you I no more want to listen to conversations about poo poos than you do. Nor do I or my children want to sit in shit soft plays.

I have hiking friends and cycling friends, pub friends, local friends, uni friends and sports friends. This week I’m going to a poetry night, a printing workshop, to play sports with friends, next week I’m going on a big hike with friends, next month I’m going for a weekend away with a friend....why is there nothing to do because you are a woman in your 30s?

It’s not contentious, OP. Your friends are boring.

It’s quite a common phenomenon. One of my colleagues was telling me last week that she planned to stop seeing some friends because all they talked about was babies and how tired they are (which drives me mad. What are you supposed to say in response to “I’m really tired bore bore nobody realises how tired I am”?

“Oh dear”? “Please bore me more with tales of your weariness”?)

It’s not that hard for them to ask how you’re doing, or to take an interest in your life. I suspect that they are quite lazy. Not your fault, but how much more time are you prepared to waste hanging out with these people? What are you getting out of it?

As others have suggested, widen your social circle.