To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

Sorry wind

No, I’m not expecting my friends to fill that time for me. That post was in response to somebody else.

I’m the opposite in that I’m the only one in my “main” group of friends to have a young child. I very rarely see those friends with said child! They’re v sweet and sometimes ask to pop in to see him or if we can meet up in a park, but 9/10 when we meet up it’s in the evening, food at one friend’s house, food out somewhere, drinks, or lunch. I admit I’m less likely to go to impromptu plans eg if one in the group says on Saturday mornhing “does anyone fancy meeting for lunch” today, as usually I’ll have made plans with DH and DS. But most of my interactions with friends are child free and that’s how I like it! They always ask how DS is, which is lovely, then we get on to chatting about other things. If I was childless I absolutely wouldn’t want to chat about potty training etc. That’s what your friends WITH children are for!

I struggled to go out in the evening. I didn't have any money spare for baby sitters and I didn't have a partner to look after the children or a relative that could and I was knackered as my children both work every night.

Since having kids my friend circle is almost exclusively other mums of small children. Even if you don't mean it to, motherhood takes over your life and if you're lucky then friends will bear and sit in soft play with you while the toddlers interrupt your conversation.

Why can’t your friends get a babysitter for an hour and come see you for a childfree coffee

I would absolutely love a child free coffee, but I have 2 pre schoolers and there is no one in my village (semi rural) who offers an hours babysitting. I could do an extra nursery day for £55 but that’s a steep price to pay for a coffee. That’s why I do all my child free socialising in the evenings. That’s just the way it is.

Why can’t your friends get a babysitter for an hour and come see you for a childfree coffee

Ah the mythical MN babysitter that everyone has at their disposal I'm at the hairdressers this morning for a very rare 3-hours alone, which took a long time ensuring DH had a full day off etc to enable me to come without the kids. I use the rare child-free opportunities for things like that rather than things I can do with the kids in tow.

I don't think it's a great idea either to tell a friend you want to see her but not her children.

It’s a tough one op. I have two teenagers and I found endless chat about babies and young children immensely dull even when I was in the thick of it. Some of my Mum friends seemed to only have their kids in common!

My advice would be that you need to open your mind to snapping up any opportunity that comes your way to meet new people. I know it’s easier said than done though, but if you make a conscious decision that you to make new friends you may find that opportunities come your way.

Re your current friends I would ride it out for the next few years as they will become their own people again one day! Sometimes I think I’d love a few more childfree friends.

Since having kids my friend circle is almost exclusively other mums of small children. Even if you don't mean it to, motherhood takes over your life and if you're lucky then friends will bear and sit in soft play with you while the toddlers interrupt your conversation.

Why though gunpowder? Have you lost childfree friends? Does it all have to be soft play meet ups around the children, or could there not have been other types of meet up? Not having a go, I'm genuinely curious? (As a childfree person).

I do think a few people on this thread are being a bit naive about how difficult life can be if you’re single and childless in your 30s tbh.

I am single and childless and of an age where many of my friends are not. I find evening is the time you get actual adult conversation. Luckily I like children so I'm happy to do both with my friends. e. g. One friend I'll go up to hers, we'll take the kids out somewhere, then back home for their tea, bath and bed and we'll go out for dinner just us, leaving dad at home with the kids. So I get kid fun time and serious adult time. Another friend we have a proper chat once the kids are in bed, but tend to stay in. Again, mostly at her house as that's more practical. I find i just have to accept i will spend a lot of time on trains and I'm prepared to do that because I value the friendships. But these are people I mostly don't find boring.

But it’s also naive the other way around.

olivia

Just speaking for myself but we don’t have anyone else to mind the kid/s. I am an expat, we both work long hours, so there’s no chance to do anything in the day. I don’t have a social circle where I am so there aren’t any soft play dates or play dates or meet ups at all - I go to work, and weekends are spent catching up on stuff we need to get done or trying to get some rest . There isn’t any scope for socialising.

I guess if you live somewhere where you have family around and a circle of friends and maybe don’t work it’s different, but my life is basically get up, sort out kids, drop kids at daycare, work, pick up kids, come home, have some time with kids, put kids to bed, go to bed. No socialising, no friends nearby, no family within a thousand km.

Incidentally when I moved abroad neither child having or childfree friends made any effort to keep in touch.

What other way round

It’s naive to think childless women don’t have a hard life. I do agree.
But none of my childless friends have the slightest understanding of how hard it is being a mother to young babies.
I once sat listening to friends talking about the various benefits to a 2 week manicure even when it was abundantly clear I hadn’t time to brush my hair. They could just NOT comprehend that.

Ops not crying about her manicures though is she

And you chose to have children

I do think a few people on this thread are being a bit naive about how difficult life can be if you’re single and childless in your 30s tbh.

My issue with this is single people in their 30s can be totally naive how hard it is to have kids.

I have a mixed group of friends. Some with dcs, some without. We tend to go out without dcs or have parties in each other’s flats / houses. Dcs entertain each other at home more or less now, so it’s no problem. I’d never expect a childless friend to join us at softplay. I hate going there myself and I have two dcs. Why would anyone want to go there if they didn’t have children?

'I once sat listening to friends talking about the various benefits to a 2 week manicure even when it was abundantly clear I hadn’t time to brush my hair. They could just NOT comprehend that.

I can enjoy a conversation like this.

Huh? Nobody is crying.
My point is everyone is naive about other people’s circumstances.
Yes I chose to have children. What’s your point. The op chose NOT to have children. She still wants to have fun with her friends and make it work.
Is it because she chose not to have children she isn’t allowed complain about ANY aspect of that choice?

And you chose to have children

That’s a bit of a straw man. All the people I know who are child free are very much so by choice.

I have a three year old. I totally agree with you. I’m actually bored of myself! I can’t have a nice conversation with friends when she is around! I have got round this by making time for my childless friends though. I see them in the evenings when my husband is home. Without dd! Not all mums have that. I try to see people without her! I usually see friends with children with her. They always bring theirs so we have interruptions anyway. Never quality time with those friends though. It gets easier as they grow up but yes, under 5 is a trying time for all

Sounds frustrating. I feel for you.

I'm sure I would have been horrible for someone without children to hang out with when I had babies and toddlers, I was just struggling to get through the days and I really needed someone who understood what I was going through when I was unwinding, so I tended to hang out with my friends who were mothers.

It's in many ways a misery, dealing with toddlers, and misery loves company.

I'm sorry you're unhappy.

I am another one who had kids first. When I was occasionally invited to a "girls' night" the conversation from the other late twenties women was their Dyson, their extension, their cats. It was deadly. I couldn't wait to get home.

Then they had kids and mine were past the toddler age but apparently no one had ever had kids before so I had the boring baby talk without any acknowledgment that I had actually been there.

Yes, I sought out other company.

I think that in the midst of babyworld it can be easy to become very selfish and self absorbed.

It’s not really selfish and self absorbed as such though. They’ve most given all their selves to their babies.