To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

Actually, you sound boring and pathetic. You need to learn to compromise and stop thinking everything is about you. We all go through this, friends lives change and they cannot go clubbing. Of course their children who cannot look after themselves are more important than you and I would not pay for a babysitter for day time meet ups when I can take my child. While potty training talk is boring to singletons, it is essential talk for mums, same as you talk about gripes at work. You need to find balance in your own life, have some friends for clubbing and support these friends until they have a bit more freedom in their lives and time to get back to hobbies and work when their children grow. Or maybe if you were actually good friends with them, more involved than just being a casual acqaintance and not just meeting up with them for coffee, you might enjoy their company again, as these are essentially just mum's meet ups. I had several 'mum' friends when I was single, if they managed to get a night off, they would come out with me and there was never any baby talk. I understood that they could not always come out, so enjoyed a film and drinks at their houses while the kids were in bed. I also went on day trips and weekends away with their children. Not being a mother at the time mean't no baby talk. A few mum friends and another adult or even a going on a family holiday, can be pleasant, they do not have to be on high alert all the time, get to relax and be themselves. Sure, kids interrupt but I enjoyed engaging with them, playing with them on the beach and being part of their life. Yes, we went to family pubs which were fine and later, I went to adult places alone or with one of them.
Try it, non superficial friendships can be good

I have a 5-year-old too but don't really bring him out to meet up with friends, even if they have children themselves.

Firstly, most, if not all of them will have some sort of opinion on how I am raising him (for instance, I very rarely let him touch my phone at home but will probably shove it at him when I'm out with friends just so he won't interrupt our conversation, and I'll get some disapproving remarks).

Secondly, I don't want to talk about our kids when I want to know what's going on with my friends or let them know what's up with me. I have no interest in other peoples' kids, and assume they feel the same.

Of course, it helps that I only have the one, and my husband is very easygoing about looking after him on his own.

I’m on the other side of the fence... I’m the mum that doesn’t get invited anywhere anymore because I have a toddler and the activities they do aren’t really toddler friendly. They don’t ask about my girl. Dont ask about my life in general. I was always the wild child of our group.... I’d do anything, go anywhere.... you only live once kinda thing but As soon as I became mum, I became boring in their eyes because I had a new priority.

I have a beautiful one of a kind best friend who loves me for me, as I do her and NOTHING has changed our friendship. These are the people you want in your life..... she’s not a mum yet but understands my life and I live vicariously through her crazy party life. It’s perfect. It’s compromise.

I’m a woman in my late thirties, my clubbing days are over a decade behind me.

I was never into clubs tbh. No need to be so rude. I have actually been incredibly supportive.

I'd visit them in the evenings (post bedtime) when the time is right, a spot of dinner, conversation, a film etc. with another adult can be absolutely bloody brilliant when DC are small and running you ragged.

Don't underestimate the value of adult conversation and company to parents with young DCs, they will probably be a lot more able to engage with you without those DCs running around too much.

Today 00:06 Nettletheelf
It’s not contentious, OP. Your friends are boring.

I agree.

My friends with no DC were and still are the best! I honestly like them over every Mum friend I have met since (bar one who is also amazing). I met them before having my DC and we've always met up away from my children. Not every weekend but regularly. They are kind, interesting and funny & the world doesn't start and end at the school gates for them.

Just to add... as adults, we've NEVER gone clubbing. We don't drink prosecco (sp?) or bloody GIN either. Seems to be a 'Mum' thing

We don't drink prosecco (sp?) or bloody GIN either. Seems to be a 'Mum' thing hmm

Urgh what an annoying thing to say. I don’t like prosecco but was drinking gin way before I became a parent (I used to get laughed at for ordering gin and tonic in the students union when I was 18). None of my ‘mum’ friends drink either. I think drinking prosecco is a ‘people who like prosecco’ thing and drinking gin is a ‘people who like gin’ thing. As I said upthread, we don’t all have personality transplants the minute we reproduce.

We don't drink prosecco (sp?) or bloody GIN either. Seems to be a 'Mum' thing

Yeah absolutely. If fact they give you a lifetime supply in your Bounty Pack

The only person I know obsessed by gin is childfree and dull as fuck about it.

Just to clarify she’s dull about the gin

Things change.

I’ve had limited luck with mum friends so far too and feel a lot more comfortable around my pre-dc friends, some of whom have children, some don’t. I don’t think that’s down to mums being boring though, I just think it’s harder to make a real connection when you’ve always got your children in tow. It’s all very small talk-y. I’m slowly starting to make some new friends ,(friends, not acquaintances), now, but it’s taken years.

One of my best friends from university is the only one still in London who has a child. I think she benefits from that as all of her childless friends are a massive support. Free babysitting and just a bit of company for her and her dc. They don’t have the burden of having their own children, so they’re free to spend time with my friend’s. They are a nice bunch like that though. I don’t think many people would bother! But I think that’s because we were a very close knit group to start with. All these people posters are mentioning on here, who drop their friends in favour of mum friends... I can’t help but think, “were they really that good a friend in the first place”? Only as it hasn’t been my experience among actual friends at all.

OP I haven't RTFT but wanted to chip in that I love the company of friends without children and we had/have a real laugh, both now and when my two were younger.

Mums spend their lives dealing with or thinking about their children, especially in the younger years, and it's refreshing to spend time with friends who have different lives.

My sister and a close friend don't have children and some of my most memorable times have been spent with them. Their position means they've done really well in their careers, have interesting hobbies, tell me about amazing weekends and holidays they go on. They're also my style gurus, as they can afford amazing outfits!

Only on page 5 ... but so far you haven’t mentioned talking to your friends about how you feel! If they are friends they will listen ... plus get in touch with your old work colleagues ... you have your new job to talk about plus you can keep up with news at your old firm...
Friendships are all about effort and you should keep in touch with people from all periods in your life so you aren’t reliant on one group..
I’m over 40 and live 50 miles from my school mates but still we communicate ... ps go to the cinema with them once in a while then you can talk about the film explain you need the odd night/ day out that’s not kid centric but say it in a kind way.. alternatively get used to your own company as boredom is for the boring... ps I don’t have kids
But love all my friends kids to bits

@otterlygreat perhaps AIBU but you’re being given lots of reasonable advice here and you’re rejecting it in a snippy way - with lots of pedantic italics and twisting people’s words. If you refuse to pursue making new friendships: you won’t. No it isn’t easy, but if you refuse to try you won’t make new friends. Likewise, if you’re rude to people who are taking time to help you in your life, then you won’t make friends there either.

Ps just curious but do you like kids.?

Cannyapper I suspect this is part of the reason OP’s friends don’t want much to do with her. She kicked off when a poster suggested this (far more sensitively than I) a few pages back but it’s becoming increasingly clear. I just hope she can see through the pain of realising this to consider it or she’ll never be able to make the changes necessary.

Definitely not something you have to put up with. They're boring people generally if they fall into conversations about kids all the time. My friends are still intellectually stimulating and and genuinely fun to hang out with. They're partying, travelling, having fun and acting irresponsibly from time to time despite having kids. The ones that could only converse about nappies and poo consistency were dropped long ago.

I am sorry I posted without reading your posts that you didn't go out in the evenings much even before your friends had dc. Even so, I still think think about what you want in terms of meeting someone and having a family, and make new friends without losing the old.

OP where do you live? You are me! Let's be friends and get pissed together! 😊

Hi OP,

I initially read your first post with a lot of sympathy - friendships evolve sometimes in painful ways and there's nothing lonelier than essentially having friends, but feeling like the friendship is a one-way street.

I'm 37 + 6 with my first and, trust me, i spend a LOT of time worrying about maintaining friendships that are incredibly precious to me when the LO gets here. Looking at this thread, it seems a lot of other mums feel the same. Potentially your friends do too if you'd just talk to them...

Because - and here's my central point - you've not been clear on what steps you've taken to redress the balance and i get the impression there's more to this.

• You've not said if you've explained how you feel with them. Maybe some will take it badly. Maybe some won't. Those who don't take offence are worth hanging on to. It's worth a try - and several other posters have pointed this out too.

• You say you didn't socialise in the evenings pre-kids. This presumably means you're upset about weekends no longer being busy. However, in my experience, my single childfree, non-mum, non-PG friends are just as busy at the weekends as those with kids. I think weekends becoming less free is just a "getting older thing" in general. At least in my experience. It's unreasonable to expect your friends to fill up your weekends on a regular basis - we all need to find ways of doing this ourselves sometimes.

• As the thread has progressed, you've become increasingly more prickly and have been dismissive of others' advice, and evasive about how open and pro-active you are about seeing your friends/making new ones. No doubt some of your friends are just being lame, but others may genuinely appreciate the effort you make and be responsive to how you feel.

Based on your responses/reactions here, I do feel there's an underlying issue.

Totally sympathise op. I have some friend like this; go out rarely for a much anticipated night out, it's taken months to organise, really looking forward to if, aaaand while evening spent with them blethering about colic, nappies, naps, everything that is bloody dull and all about kids. Oh and the night was over before it begun because thy had to get back to their precious cherubs at 8pm: couldn't bear to stay out any longer.

I wanted to cry.

I announced midway through the bloody awful 'night' out of sheer desperation, "come on ladies! We are women of the world! Surely we have more to talk about than kids and husbands? Would they be out talking about their kids and wives or would they be having a laugh?" Met with blank stares and an admission of 'but we don't HAVE anything else to talk about'.

My lesson was that those are not the friends to socialise with without children present. What was the point.
Luckily I have other friends who aren't so blinded by the mundanity of motherhood that they've forgotten how to have a bloody good laugh.

I am getting married in November, and always wanted a childfree wedding. As we're marrying 'late' for our group (grand old age of 29), lots of our friends have babies/young kids. Sighed and invited the kids anyway.

Almost without exception, they are merrily leaving the kids at home to come party. No whiff of the 'weddings are about family', or 'I can't believe you don't want 8 month old Elsie to witness scream through your vows'.

Love them.

We’ve got 3 weddings this year, children invited to all. We’re going to all 3 without them. It’s a chance for us to have a child free day/weekend! My other friends with DC are doing the same.
It really isn’t unusual for people with children to be happy to spend some time without them, socialising.

Hi there. I have very few friends with kids except the handful I have met in mum groups etc

I will say it's very hard to maintain relationships as I only enjoy hanging out with childless friends when I am on my own and have my husband around to watch them. I don't book to see my friends every time my husband can have the kids as I also want me time. So I am lucky if I see my childless friends twice a year (with exception of best friend who's godmother).

Life changes but I still want those friendships and I know they are super understanding as we speak a lot but don't meet up a lot. I guess my point is, try and encourage nights out together even if it's only once every 3 months so you both get a break from her kids lol!