To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

Totally! I have given my childless friends a pass at this stage as I know it must be tiresome for them. I still consider them good friends but we're doing different things right now, which is fine.

My childless friends are all traveling and going to festivals which I'm a bit jel about

Why not just not have kids if you want to go to festivals and travel?

Because if you like us we had 6 kids fairly young and now can do all those things now they are teens and older.

Kind you festivals were never our thing but child free hotels are excellent.

You choose to have kids you put things on hold for a while. But you can still hark back to child free days. Doesn’t mean you wish you hadn’t had them

When people constantly talk about how much they love their child free life and how hard it is and how they are bored I just think why have them

OP I totally utterly understand where you are coming from.

I'm 37 and childfree not by choice. I do have a partner now but we aren't TTC.

I've spent the last few years watching my friends get married and have babies and start excluding me from things. I don't make friends easily (extroverted introvert, true 'friends' don't come along often) and sometimes just being on my own is a bit shit but going along to something 'to meet people' feels awkward and cringey.

I know I should 'get better friends'. Easier said than done, a lot of effort and a bit false in the first instance.

Basically - it is what it is. I don't want solutions, but I do know that it is ok for me to sometimes feel a bit sad about the situation even if I can't do much to make it better.

YouSeeMyDearIHaveHadEnough yes a none arsehole meet up sounds good! OP you will find other friends that you have more in common with at this stage and it is OK to be sad about the situation.
From what I read on here, soft play is hell so you did well but have maybe now reached your limit.n

I think it’s especially tough if you’re not childfree by choice and you’re not single by choice.
I think if you’re childfree by choice then you probably have a very different outlook.

Anyway I do feel for you op. Trying to find proper friendships as you get older is tough.

But as I said before, there are people who’s lives revolve around their kids and there are those that don’t.
Sounds like you’re friends might be the former.
I agree there is no solution with your current situation, you need to try and forge a new path in life

Rubiks, lovely post. I very relate, especially to the extroverted introvert part

Should say very MUCH relate!

I agree with some of the PPs. I'm a mum of a toddler (and have another on the way) so I'm right in the thick of the baby stages really. 98% of the time it's my life. I much prefer to meet my friends without our children so several reasons.

I am the last one to have babies so their children are mostly older now (4-8ish) so when we meet up with the children I tend to be running around making sure my toddler isn't getting trampled on/taught swear words/fed things he can't have etc while they sit, talk schools and drink tea.

Even though these are my oldest friends, to be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of the way some of them parent or their children's behaviour. That's not to say I don't love them as people. I do.

I feel like when I'm with my friends on a night out/having a takeaway and wine when the children are in bed/getting coffee or lunch when they're at home with Dad that I'm more the pre-mum me. I can chill out, let my hair down, and truly relax. I really value the time that I get to spend with my friends child free. That said, it probably only happens every eight weeks or so. None of us have the time, money or energy to do it more often.

I have the opposite problem in that my friends meet up weekly with all the children for a lunch date at one of my friends houses. There are usually 7-10 children there not including mine, between 3-4 mums. It is chaos and I don't enjoy it. So I don't go and have explained that I take my child to an age appropriate playgroup session that day. It appears that this also causes offence!

OP I think you need to appreciate that if you can meet up then it might only be once every month or so (one of your posts you said you were unhappy it isn't more). Once a month is quite a lot when you're low on time and money. But at he same time it's not unreasonable for you to want to meet up child free - I'm surprised that they don't want to really! Have you actually asked?

I'm a mum to a nearly 2 year old and as much as I love him I absolutely crave my nights out that are child free! Before he was born I was very social and I'm very fortunate to have a great support network and two sets of GPS and obviously my DH who is very hands on. I'd never ask a childless friend to meet at soft play, I'd use that time to go for coffee or a proper night out 🥂 obviously I don't get out as much as I used to but I always book weeks in advance if I want a night out, I make it work so know it's not absolutely impossible, keep asking OP and just be absolutely outright in saying how's x date for you child free?? Make it clear and if still no luck then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you trying to meet as a big group or just with one or two, or both?

I have a little one and would love some time with my friends. I manage to see one or two every couple of months but its hard going. Some have older kids but for most they have none. What does it is geography and a want from some to be local to them as the way always was that. For others it's work, especially the three shift workers. One has depression and is very insular to protect at the moment. Three work in the city so do drinks and gym after work and the one other who also had little dc is pregnant again and has the bad sickness.

So many many reasons. We do often do over houses and take cabs but we take turns. Can you suggest that? So not just you making efforts, no?

When talking if you talk on sonething not kids do they change the subject back again? I think your update on not cf by choice then means they are being very insensitive if do. With my non choice cf dfriend we do talk a little about dc as it would be odd and things not too. However we do not discuss lots (meet one and one for it) as it is hurtful to her.

I always wonder why does it have to be one or the other surely a friendship is a two way thing? My friendships have always been based on the foundations I made with people regardless is I had dc and they did, we always maintained that friendship regardless. Arrange a night out at the cinema, pub for drinks.

I’ve got teenagers. Many of my old friends (ie. not met through kids/school) have much younger children. I completely agree the babies/young children chat is SOOOOOOO dull. Like mind numbingly dull. And the constant interruptions are really irritating. It will change though. Now their children are getting a bit older (7,8,9yrs etc) and mine are pretty independent when we meet up the kids disappear off together and we get to chat about grown up stuff. It’s lovely. I feel like a person again, with a brain and everything Hold out faith that your friends will come out of the fog and become human again. I work with people who almost exclusively have no children or teenage + children and we hardly ever mention them! Much more interesting things to discuss. Like which are better, M&S Jaffa cakes or the original ones. You know, really erudite stuff.

OP I completely empathise. I’m childfree by choice and feel like a social outcast. I’ve made the effort, happy to do the kid focussed days out as I actually like my friends children and spending time with them.

However now that the others have kids I’m no longer invited, I’m not part of the mum club. Whenever we do manage to arrange a catch up, entirely on my friends terms, she usually cancels with some excuse. I’ll not see her for months thinking she’s just not able to get out, then see on FB all the mum friends out for cocktails or a BBQ at someone’s house.

It’s really hurtful and I’m at the point of just not bothering anymore. It feels like I served my purpose when she was the only one with kids, but now she has mum friends I am no longer required.

My children are now grown up but I have a couple friends with youngish children. I do find myself avoiding one of them a bit now even though she’s lovely because of her son who is 8. You can’t hold a conversation without him demanding attention and when they last visited me he jumped all over my brand new sofa, sat on the back of it with his feet on the seat cushions and then spilt Ribena (light grey sofa) didn’t confess and I discovered it after it had dried on it. She doesn’t and hasn’t ever displlined him and sadly it just makes it a horrible experience meeting up with her

I am conscious of being a bore to my child free friends.

I try and get my close child free friends to come over for dinner and stay over (we moved out if London to commuter belt).

My close friends do and I don't talk about kiddy stuff.

It's harder to keep it going with less close friends who wouldn't come down to see me and it's too difficult to get into London in the eve.

If you want child free time you have to try and facilitate it like the above.

Unfortunately things change and the way you see people has to change too.

I would definitely be making other friends though, as your friends with kids definitely will through NCT, school etc. About half our social time is now spent with newer post kid friends.

Ive popped back to say my aunt, who is childfree, says how a lot of her friends drifted away for the child rearing years, and she found it very hard and contact often reduced to a card or one quick cuppa a year, but now much further down the line, a lot (not all) of those friendships have really rekindled and she is glad she maintained the card, and cuppa as it meant a lot to those friends at that time and now as retiree they go on holidays and nights out.

My friendship with some old friends has really struggled for this reason. It’s very hard. (Im the parent) You literally know your doing it too, you know you are being boring to them but it’s your whole life, you don’t seem to have anything else to talk about! If it’s any consolation there are no meaningful conversations going on anywhere when kids are babies and toddlers because as you noticed they constantly interrupt and you can’t concentrate. So if you feel all the Mum friends are having enriching friendships/ conversations with each other I can assure you they’re not. The quality of the time they are spending with you is the same poor quality they are spending with every other adult right now. They do still want to be your friend but it’s just so bloody hard to find common ground.

I feel the same way. I lost four good friends to children because hanging out with them felt fake—like I had to feign interest in their kids when honestly I have nothing to talk about in regards to babies. I have a couple of other friends who don’t have kids who I see now but it’s sad still. They’re not going to change anytime soon so if you aren’t willing to put up with it and wait it out for the kids to grow up then as harsh as this may sound it’s time to find new friends. I know how hard that is but it’s also hard to accept that every interaction will now revolve around children.

Why not just not have kids if you want to go to festivals and travel?

Well, quite. Or you could take your dcs with you if not too pricey?

For me, much as I liked childfree festivals and childfree travel, I wanted to have children a lot more than I wanted to do either of those things. I’m sure that’s the case for most people. Sure, some complain that they miss certain aspects of their pre-dc days, but that doesn’t mean they’ve made the wrong choice. Also, I think if you’re talking to someone who is quite anti-children, you’re unlikely to go on about how much you love having them, so maybe some people overdo the complaints so as to find some common ground with you @constantlycharging..? Just a theory.

That said though, I really think there’s something wrong with our society and people, especially women, are sometimes made to feel they HAVE to have children. I think that’s a load of bollocks. The planet is famously overpopulated. Time to stop convincing people to have children they don’t really want and they shouldn’t really have.

My friend passes close to my house once a week at the worst time. I’m just in from swimming class, trying to feed hungry children and get homework finished. She texts to say she’s calling in 2 minutes. I be started to put her off. It’s hectic for me. My partner is home 2 hours later so I ask can I call to her or meet for a coffee later. But that never suits. I’ve just discovered she’s now upset with me that I have put her off calling for the last 3 weeks. I can see her thinking but we dont have time to speak if she calls then. She just sits judging the chaos. I think understanding needs to go two ways.

I feel for you Op because to be brutally honest - I don’t think you’re friends regard you as a dear friend.

I have a childless acquaintance and I suggest meet ups at soft play etc when she says let’s get together because tbh I am not especially fond of her and I expect her to say that she won’t join. She always does and clearly hates it. Very strange.

But no way would I “waste” a babysitter on an night out with her. She’s just not that good a friend, not even close

I think that, if you find them boring now and that they always talk about things that bore you, then they probably weren't that great as friends beforehand either.

I have had friends who had children before me and they were just as good at talking about non-child stuff afterwards as they were before, but we did also talk about their children too of course.

I also found when I was pg myself, that I got bored with my less-good friends who were still into drinking and clubbing - it wasn't really the friends who bored me, just what they wanted to do, which no longer held any interest for me at all - but the boredom affected me being with them because their interests were no longer mine and you can't really have decent conversations in wine bars and clubs!

I think that you need to re-evaluate your friendships - of course these friends now have higher priorities than you, but if you become needy and show that you're bored of hearing about their sprogs, then they're not going to want to put you any higher up the priority list either.

And then, yes I know it's not that easy, but consider finding other people to hang out with.

You say you didn't go out much in the evenings before they had kids, so what did you do together?