To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

I'm not sure why you think your friends won't want to have an evening out with you?
When I had a small child I didn't want to go out every night of the week but I did enjoy seeing my friends in the evening on a regular basis.

Im one of these boring friends but have maintained my friendships with childfree friends by making the time to meet up in the evenings. It isnt as often as i would like but I know as kids get older I will be able to do more and I didn't want to lose friendships that were important to me. It is also lovely to have evenings where children are barely discussed!

Well of course their kids are more important to ghfn then you op but that doesn’t mean they can’t leave them for a few hours in the evening to meet up.

Seriously most mums do go out in the evening you know. It is allowed. why don’t you suggest it?

I sort of know how you feel but for the opposite reason. I was the first in my group to have kids, so I could barely hang out with any of my friends and they didn't understand when my excuse was I'm breastfeeding or that the event was not child friendly. I

Some have now had kids and we are friends again, but sadly I've drifted from those that haven't as they wouldn't consider for a minute going somewhere for kids.

Although it must suck for you, it sounds like you are an amazing friend and person to go to soft plays etc. Although you may feel bored to tears I'm sure your friends appreciate it to the ends of the earth that you go. Don't feel you 'have' to, I'm sure they'd understand but remember as the kids get older things should get better and they should be able to head to more cocktail evenings etc.

So your friends never want an evening out?

I honestly would be surprised by that.

Snog, they just don’t.

I don’t think it’s ‘I dont want to have an evening out with Otterly’.

It’s more, ‘I do want to sleep/watch tv/spend time with dh/my parents are coming round/the in laws are coming round/I don’t have much money/I’m so tired.’ You know?

Yes they should make the effort to try and see you without the children now and again, but I know that’s unlikely. I think they assume you should make the effort and out yourself out because they have the excuse of having young children and being tired. It’s not fair really and it’s a bit selfish of them. A friendship is a two way thing but can feel a little one way sometimes.

Maybe it’s me then!

If childcare is an issue for them, you could always suggest a takeaway and bottle of wine at theirs once the kids are in bed?

Yes, could do. Still, I have to go there and then either not drink the wine or get a taxi back and their Dhs are knocking about and so on.

Sounds very one sided. I like Am’s suggestion of a takeaway and wine at theirs after the kids are in bed, but if they decline that and won’t ever see you in a way that’s mutually beneficial (I.e. without the kids once in a while) I’d take a step back and stop trying, as I don’t think they value you as much as you value them.

I'm 38 and my youngest is on the cusp of senior school.
I was the boring friend with toddlers in tow all through our twenties, but now I have lots of freedom and my friends are all boring with young children.
My suggestion would be to join a group or club that isn't children specific. I do archery and nobody talks too much about their children, and it's a great way to meet new friends.

I am sure it’s not you op as small children do totally dominate your time and energy but we used to do house take aways and bring wine. Couldn’t you host one or take turns and all share a taxi?

Seeing them in the evenings is unlikely, yes, they have partners but they won’t want to leave their children

Is this an assumption or have you actually asked them? I have two under 5, and I love a night out - anything to get me out of bedtimes! We rarely have babysitters or help too so dh and me sort it out between ourselves. Your friends do sound dull if they don't want to leave their dc at all.

Op I get you

I have a dc and found all that stage boring. I did go out evenings though and if Dp was off would go to lunches etc without dc. TBH I think they should be more considerate but I'd certainly suggest again an evening or a nice adult setting so they get the idea.

I'd bite a friends arm off for an evening out. Yes I may be breastfeeding and exhausted, but baby takes a bottle, has another parent and if I'm going to be knackered anyway then why not be knackered with wine and good company.

I think they should make more of an Effort, they seem self consumed. Kid talk is deathly dull if you don’t have them.
It might be time to let it drift OP.

I remember my mum hanging out more with old friends whose kids were different ages/had no kids when we were teenagers so you can pick up friendships again if they matter to you.

I’d find it odd that none of your friends would leave the house in the evening. It’s quite extreme to never go out just because you have kids. Are you assuming that no one with small children would go out or do you have a particularly extreme attachment parenting group of friends?! I love going out. Also I like to have friends round for dinner/drinks when DC are in bed. You should ask. If money is tight then invite them to yours.

It's so sad that when you offer to meet them without their kids they decline, don't want to do the takeaway and wine when they are in bed or when you offer them to come to yours without the kids they say no and a they live too far away for you to get a taxi.l from their house.
It's also a pain for you that it's every one of your friends.

My friends all have kids between 5 & 12 so I've been the only one without kids for years and it's not made a difference, I plan nights out months in advance and do kid free nights at my house, book concerts with hotels etc well in advance and I've never felt like that.
I live about 25 miles or more from most of them so I've stayed at theirs or them at mine if I want a drink.

My 2 best friends don't have kids but we're all between 35-40 with businesses and homes and too busy to catch up that offer anyway.
I went round one kids free friends last night for dinner after work at 6:30, lovely catch up and dip in the hot tub and Home by 10.
Tomorrow I'm meeting a another friend for lunch with her daughter and I can't wait to see them both.

What have you done so far to make some new friends

I agreed With your first post, but now i’m beginning to think your friends are just lazy. I have 3 and for the first few months after each was born I was extremely boring and very tied to them, but (hopefully) not for several years.
My BF is childfree, sometimes I see her with the kids but more often I go out or she comes here and I see her by myself. It’s good for me as well as her. Since I stopped feeding them there is nothing I can do that dh can’t so I make sure he takes his turn. My problem is that I don’t get much other time away from them so even when I don’t have the kids with me i don’t have much to talk about. We have recently taken up a hobby together so that we have something to do when we see each other.

You do sound a tad defeatist about it all, "they wont want to leave their dcs", "then i will have to get a taxi" etc.

Most of my mum friends are only too happy (me included) to have a night out away from the kids.

Why not start a whatsapp and suggest a night out with them all; get them to chuck some dates at you and pick one most can do. Sure it may be a month or two away as theres more for them to juggle now, the spontaneity option usually goes when babies arrive. But a little bit of planning and there still can be good times.

I suppose it depends if you went out in the evening much before kids, bug, we didn’t really.

I had the opposite problem, I've had my two children before my closest friends. They would never hang out at soft play to see me so you're clearly doing something kind.

I made new mum friends and so now I don't feel so irritated by my oldest friends, one of whom has just had a baby and once again now everything is her terms but at least I understand.

Hmmm... I was the first one to have children out of my friends and it was hard keeping up with some of them. I would go for parts of nights out or invite them round, but it was like something fundamental had shifted. They are warm and kind to our kids when they see them but we've just grown apart.

Those friends that I have stayed close to will happily come round for a chippy tea with the kids, or meet just me for breakfast. When I had a young, cluster feeding newborn we would meet for an hour after they'd finished work for a coffee (I'd drop baby with DH) or would understand that we could make loose plans and I'd definitely see them on X evening but I'd have to text when en route.

There is a part of me that misses those friends that weren't able / willing to see me more in the early months but part of me is angry that they don't recognise the efforts I made at a really hard time.

You are on the other side of this but I'd suggest similar things - takeaways at their house, a quick coffee, Saturday morning breakfast, or meeting up at 8pm rather than 7pm. It's hard though - I do sympathise.