To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

I've got a lovely group of friends and we have all been friends since school. We're all much older now but all had our children at different times.

How we got through these years and maintained our friendship was once a month or every 6 weeks or so, one of us would host a night at our house.

Just a simple meal and a nice catch up, partners would make sure children didn't disturb us or we'd go round after the childrens bed time.

We'd only spend a couple of hours together, but that time was precious.

Hi, OP. I am sorry you have been let down by your friends. You sound really lovely and so kind and accommodating of your friends' circumstances and preferences. You do not sound prickly or difficult at all; just sad, a bit hurt and perhaps rather wistful for times past. Very human feelings that we all experience.

As with the posters on this thread, so it is in life: some people stay largely themselves when they become parents; others become more selfish, self-absorbed and insular. Ignore the defensive, projecting "advice" to move on from clubbing and consider developing friendships which are other than superficial. As if all of us who haven't sprogged spend all our time on the lash with various friends with whom we have no more bond than that developed via boozing and partying. Obvious smug, judgmental bastards are obvious.

The advice to meet up one to one rather than in groups is good. I find that where groups of mothers gather, there is a natural tendency to discuss the children. That is absolutely fine and to be expected, but it can become tedious and exclusionary to the unchilded among us. If you're meeting up with friends individually, there is much less likelihood of the conversation being dominated by the minutiae of raising children.

You have every right to feel sad, OP. It is hard feeling lonesome and that you are no longer very important to your friends. You have gone beyond what might reasonably be expected to convenience them, and it sounds like you have reached the point where it all feels rather one-sided and a bit pointless. I am sorry you are experiencing this loneliness and sadness. I think being single probably makes it more difficult. Whatever about being childless as we move through our 30s and 40s, being single brings particular difficulties and challenges of which the happily coupled up are often entirely oblivious. Chin up, OP. You sound like a pet, and a great friend.

@softday this is what I was trying to get at but probably didn't put it across. Great advice!

Yes, and fwiw, childfree people don't just lie in bed all day and then go 'clubbing' every night in case anyone is unclear on that.

Great posts SoftDay and Blackbird.

I totally see where your coming from.
I have 2 kids (5&7) and still find it hard to maintain friendships with friends who also have kids of a simular age!

Its hard to have a conversation due to constant interruptions from all our kids - drives me mad! Lol.

We try and go out every 2-3 months without the kids - but its hard, as others have said, sorting childcare.

I do have some no kid friends, and i like meeting up with these for a lunch or cinema date once a month or so, makes me feel like me not just a mum - but again can be hard fitting in round eveything.

Maybe take up a new hobby - join a class - and meet some people who have simular interests as you. I agree its hard making friends though.
My sister used to tag along with 1 friend as part of another friend group as she was the only one without kids - and made new friends this way.

Yes, I agree completely with softday’s last paragraph. This sounds like totally one sided ‘friendships’. I think it is very sad that people you called friends were so quick to drop you as soon as they had children. I don’t think that’s friendship at all tbh and it absolutely does not have to be that way.

Thing is, I’ve never had a problem meeting up with friends who have kids and they want to maintain relationships beyond dc/dp/ grandparents.
Some people just don’t much care beyond that little circle. It’s almost like they only had friends so they could meet a dp/dh. Now they’ve got it, they make no effort.

God forbid that relationship doesn’t work out

A good (childless) friend of mine actually pulled me up on it when I had my first baby: insisted on going for drinks just the 2 Of us and insisted we talk about stuff other than the baby. All done kindly but it was entirely fair enough and I throughly enjoyed the time thinking and talking something different.

17% of UK women are childless at age 45. So a very sizeable minority.

Maybe it would be nice to add some of them to your social circle OP. I think you need some friends who are available to spend time with you. Sometimes new friends drop into your lap, sometimes you have to put some work into finding them.

Your existing bunch of friends aren't fulfilling the friendship need that you have at the moment but this can very definitely be fixed by moving into a different stage of your own life.

Otterlygreat if you post a problem and don’t want solutions ,what are you looking for here? are you feeling a bit depressed? Most problems are solvable, you can take the advice offered here to meet those friends sometimes in child free environments, and you can take the chance to build some new friendships by being brave and going to do some activities you do enjoy on your own to meet some new people. You can acknowledge that this is a phase that these women are passing through, and you find it boring but maybe you still love their friendship and need to find a way of preserving it...otherwise this post is just a moan, ...and sorry to say it but moans from other people who we don’t even know...who are not our friends....are well a bit boring....just like moaning about lack of sleep or potty training....which may be met with compassion if we are friends....