To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

Anyway.

The point is that my friends are at a different stage to me. Making new ones isn’t just a magic solution. And so ... yeah.

I do appreciate the suggestions by the way but it’s not really a solution to this problem.

I had this situation in my 30s too and found it took a bit of adjusting to. I think your feelings are completely normal (hope so anyway!) but you can’t change the way life moves on. Better to try to adapt.

They’re still your friends. Yes they’ll be less available, time together may be shorter or different, conversations will be continually interrupted by toddlers. Just carry on seeing them wherever and whenever you can (don’t let on when you’re a bit bored!), get to know and enjoy their DC, just basically hold onto and value your friendships.

As for making new friends as well, it’s easier said than done but not impossible- might be a good chance to explore wider interests a bit further if you have time?

Yeah, I mean, I do absolutely loads. I have to in a way or I would literally do nothing other than work and go home. But I do think people underestimate just how much you have to do and spend in order to have a social life when you’re single with no mates

But I do think people underestimate just how much you have to do and spend in order to have a social life when you’re single with no mates

I don’t think you do actually, there’s plenty of ways you can either have a social life or hobbies without spending loads

Yes, okay jacques thank you

Friends with toddlers are barely even present. It’s not their fault, it’s just how it is.

Babies - lovely. Older children - lovely. Teenagers - lovely.

Toddlers - I’ll see you in three years.

I do see part of your problem, OP - it’s not the nights out you are missing because you aren’t keen on them either, it’s the daytime/ weekend events that you used to do but that they aren’t either available for or will only do in a convenient setting ie involving children .

And I’m not surprised that they can’t/won’t do that sort of companiable thing either - if they are working, they will want to enjoy their free time with their children and they will have domestic errands to run - if at home, they will also have weekend errands to run whilst not attatched to small people for a change. . They may also have DPs who would like some of their time and as well as taking turns with DPs looking after the children so they too can get their errands/activities run. I think you will be a bit ‘slotted in’ to their lives during early childhood at least.

I did keep in touch, and meet up with , friends who weren’t in that same stage of life as me but it was a whole lot easier with others who had the same demands. I can see why meeting up at soft play might seem a good idea to them - small children are temporarily occupied,s so some undistracted conversation can happen but I wouldn’t want to be the single in that case. Friend’s children are one thing but others en masse - no ! Maybe you could think of somewhere, pushchair friendly, that you could enjoy a walk and a chat or some other venue that is hike accessible but not child centred ?

@otterlygreat

Why the attitude?

Child accessible

But if you do loads why do you seem toonly have this one group of mates?

What about work colleagues?

Seems to me op you feel stuck in this rut and are batting off any suggestions posters make. And a tad unkindly too.

I get it. I'm childfree by choice my best mate has a 2 yr old. It's like she doesn't value our friendship anymore. I knew things would change and I was more than happy to put the extra effort in, but I get very little in return now, it's all very one sided.

She doesn't want to do the stuff we used to do together, but then she'll make the effort to have an evening out with other mums.

for you. I have no answers.

You’re not single with no mates; you’re single with mates who now have kids. I get the boredom of the soft play etc and the fact that telling you to get new hobbies sounds a bit glib and ‘quick fixy’. I think that unless your friends are actively excluding you, which would make the issue a bit different, you need to hang in there and take whatever value you can from whatever social interaction you have. Things will change and evolve over time.

I used to cherish my child free friends, they were my life savers!

We'd go gor cocktails, or art house movies and NOT talk babies/potty training

I sleep-trained my kids from about age 1 to go to bed at 7/8 so I'd have some time to myself (and see friends) and escape the house

You are unlucky, and it must be boring!

If you want to remain friends you’re going to have to take the approach of SweetheartNeckline of grabbing time here and there and not expecting hours of free time. This takes proactivity. Remember that you may find your friends boring/ inflexible. But constantly asking them to do things they’re not ready to do will make you infuriating and inflexible to them so it is a two way street. Flexibility is key.

I do feel a bit like you’re trying to provoke me jacques tbh

I recently changed jobs. Don’t really have any new friends at the new post. And the young mummies do tend to band together.

Yes, if you can stick around, it could get a lot better in the next few years. You have been a good friend to stick around so far though.

Try and meet your friends separately. If you meet them together conversation will always revert to children if that’s the big topic MOST people have in common.

Put less pressure on your friends. Ask to meet for 1 hour in the evening for coffee and dessert. Most parents won’t like to be out for hours at a time, very often.

Organise a night out with everyone every few months.

Indulge yourself in a time consuming hobby. Eg take up running and go to 10k races every weekend.

I do understand you. New parents are boring. But also children are ALL consuming. I would have adored my newborns and would be very resentful of a bad night out. If I was leaving my baby it had better be worth it. So one friend who told incredibly boring work stories and used secret work lingo (WEENUS and other meaningless acronyms) was pushed aside for years. So you have to be fun and interesting too.

It’s a tough time in all friendships. But they’ll need friends again and you need friends now so it’s worth pushing through.

I think you're gonna just have to start asking them to the cinema. Limited room for child talk. Even if it's crap, hey at least you saw a film!

Problem is timings cos of bedtime.

You need a friends transplant.

I put no pressure on them

we meet where they want when they want at a time they want, I always go there, always.

Sometimes I feel invisible.

I do feel a bit like you’re trying to provoke me jacques tbh

I am single. I have an older child who is regularly with her dad. I lost a number of friends when they went on to have second children and I couldn’t.

I was trying to give suggestions of things that helped me.

Maybe if you don’t want suggestions of how you can change things make that clear in your OP 🙄

You're coming across as quite difficult to help and prickly, OP. I wonder if that mightn't be part of the problem.

I'm currently pregnant OP but totally agree with you if I'm honest. Ive tolerated it as I knew it would probably be my turn eventually! If that's not on the cards for you anytime soon though I can see it could be really frustrating (haven't rtft, sorry!). I'm lucky that I also have a group of friends without children for some balance - though I'm worried ill loose them now!

I probably am cao but I feel a bit defensive when people say I am the problem, I don’t think I am. I’ve tried really hard to be a good friend.