To be slightly contentious and admit I find my friends boring now

[otterlygreat]

They all, without exception, have under 5s.

I’m not a complete bitch and I do get it. But just the same, when I see them, it’s largely pointless as it’s just constant interruptions from toddlers. We have to sit in soft play or parks or farms with school canteen food and high chairs. Topics of conversation are sleep and potty training. Even anything about work is linked to the kids, like the difficulty of going back part time.

As a result, I’m on my own more often than not.

The irony is when I look for things to do, everything aimed at a thirty something woman is aimed at meeting other mums!

I totally get where you are. And how it feels a bit hopeless.
I am in the same situation, it has taken me years to meet new people, I have actually made friends with older people in their late 40s-50s who have never had children and we have lots of interesting things to talk about.

Making new friends is fucking hard. But sometimes in life we lose friends, and make new ones. None of that is easy.

I would say I had lots of different friends of who have kids, some I kept because we made an equal effort and some I lost because they became all consumed by their kids. TBH I don’t really want to be friends with people that can’t be fucked to make an effort.

Perhaps you should actually sit down and have a conversation about it with them? If they’re good friends they will understand.

Are you happy with the other aspects of your life? What do you want from friendships? You used the word passive, about yourself, maybe that’s something to think about.

Op jaques isn’t a goady poster so no idea why you feel she is!

Have you actually arranged a meet up without the kids? Have they activated declined or if they did meet up did they really all talk kid??

Not sure if you told us that’s what you think will happen or what actually did happen?

And I don’t quite get this making new friends thing? Don’t we all do thst over and over again through life stages?

Just a POV from the other side of the fence.

To be brutally honest: I have a three year old and another baby on the way. Difficult pregnancies that have left me with significant health issues. Child 1 didn’t sleep more than an hour a go for 18m. Now that he does, i have maybe an hour free a night to myself (in which time all housework needs to be tackled by dh and I along with any other admin)

I just don’t WANT to go out. I’m too tired. I know that’s dull and boring and I hold my hands up to that but if I had someone who wanted to go out often I’d take a big step back. I feel like that hour of solitude (which is going to disappear again once baby is born) is all that keeps me sane. I’ve had people offer to take them for a night so I can have ‘a night on the tiles.’ That’s the last thing I want - if you have me a night off I’d have a cup of tea, a book and an early night. The thought of going out makes me panicky.

I was surprised how much bandwidth having a baby takes up - it’s all encompassing and when added onto a fairly demanding job I just have nothing left to give.

So I don’t think it’s you, OP. I think it’s that your friends are just in a very different place to you. You probably do find them dull - you’d find me dull. I’m too tired to be anything but.

I’m not even sure what the answer is - time probably, but that sucks for you. It’s not easy to make new friends in your thirties at all. I suppose if you want these friendships to continue then it’s probably a bit of teeth gritting and farm attendance and seeing if they’d fancy an afternoon cinema trip (I’d be up for that I think...) in time their kids will be less constantly demanding and the friendships will evolve again.

No easy answers.

I do think the group thing is part of the problem. In a group there will always be one obsessed with her child. So even if I want to talk about something else ( and I’m a mother) it will always be babies babies babies. So divide and conquer is worth a shot.
What if you said “ hey I’d love to meet for coffee and cake next Wednesday at 8”?
Would all of your friends change the time and venue to something else?

I don’t think it’s dull or boring yarn, I understand, which is why I was a tiny bit put out at the inference that I’m such a twat no one actually wants to go out with me! I get it. Well, obviously I don’t, but you know what I mean

I think the making new friends thing problem is that it doesn’t come to order, it just sort of naturally happens.

I’m not angry with my friends btw. I’m just a bit sad as I recognise I’ve been left at one train station while they’re moving on with the journey.

Meeting up at a soft play place when you don’t have kids must be awful, god I hated going to those places when I took my own kids. It shows a lack of appreciation for the op’s circumstances too.
You have gone beyond the call of duty IMO doing that Op.

What would you like them to do differently? Maybe you could have a think about that then have an honest chat with them. If they’re really good friends they’ll take your POV on board.

I understand what you say OP and I am now a SAHM with a 15 month old. My days are spent going to toddler classes or meeting other mums. DH works a lot so I'm grateful at weekends to spend time with him as a family. That being said, I would still go for an afternoon out or dinner. I just have to make sure I have childcare. If your friends are not willing to do that then there isn't much you can do about it. Do you have a partner?

which is why I was a tiny bit put out at the inference that I’m such a twat no one actually wants to go out with me!

The inference was that you’re not clear in what point you’re trying to make.

You post. You get suggestions and then get snippy when people offer suggestions.

Jacques you clearly said ‘your friends are not the problem’ now if I read that wrong and you meant something other than I was the problem, I’m sorry. Anyway shall we leave that argument there, it’s not helpful really.

No, no partner.

I'm in the same position as you OP, most of my friends have young children. I used to be a childminder though so with a few exceptions I love to see the kids and how they are growing and developing. I do get you about some friends not being able to talk about anything non-kids related. I only once said to a friend "no we are not potty training your son is" It worked.
Could you suggest some childfree activity every once and a while? This may seem neverending but it really isn't. The children will grow but I definitely do understand where you're coming from!

@otterlygreat

Yes. Your friends kids are not the problem. Your unwillingness to be proactive in solving the issue is. You don’t seem to know what you want.

Yes, I do like them. I think this is the problem, I’ve shown too much interest really

Jacques there isn’t a solution that’s why. It’s just how it is.

I made new friends recently when I joined a brass band. There's a really eclectic mix of people.

Jacques there isn’t a solution that’s why. It’s just how it is

Of course there is. You might not be able to change their behaviour although it doesn’t seem like you’ve actually spoken to them about it. But you can change your responses

My response is and always will be friendly interest in them and their children.

The fact that secretly I feel lonely doesn’t change that.

Your responses to the situation, rather than responses to questions

How often are you looking to spend time with your friends? You mention having an evening out but still having the weekend to fill after that. Your expectations might be a bit high in that respect.

If anything I think you've been too accommodating and have missed the boat of making new friends when your current ones were taking a different path.
It's never too late to change things, you're in a new job, make this a positive thing and make it a new story all about you.

I would have done anything for a night out when my dc were under 5, so my advice would be to organise girls nights out. You see a different side to them then. If you can't be bothered to do this, then make new friends that are childless like you are and enjoy their company instead.

Simples.

No, knife, that was in response to somebody else

I had my twins a week before my 43rd birthday, so I have an idea of what you mean. Weekends were a massive no no with friends with kids. I wouldn't call or text out of respect for family time but then I woukd hear there was a big kids picnic or big BBQ. It did used to hurt and I would wonder why people with kids always wanted to hang out together. The truth is sometimes it is easier to hang out with people with small kids. They are tiring and demanding and they throw tantrums and break things and interrupt but people with small kids will get it. But it doesn't mean you don't still want your friends of okd. The ones you had a history and a shorthand with.

I remember going to stay with an old schoolfriend, mum of three when I was going through a bad time with an on off man. She let me overanalyse some crappy bloke for the whole weekend and Sunday she flipped when I said for the 50th time 'But what do you thiink that means' She replied 'KC I don't know, I've been married for 10 years I have three kids under 7 and a husband working away, most of the time I am too tired to think about breathing'. It ended awkwardly, I felt immature and petty but later we both apologised to each other she said she felt terrible for being such a boring bitch. But she wasn't, our priorites were different and our realities were different - we decided we would meet up for specific things - films, perfect -couple of hours and one drink afterwards. Can be an early evening with willing partner or playdate. Exhibitions another good one. There are always loads. Booking a band or concert or show is good too. We have a joint interest in fashion/make up and follow bloggers and certain magazines. So little snippets like that are good to swap during the day. We both put an effort in - she didn't go on and on about the children's school choices and I didn't go on about someone giving me a dirty look by the photocopier. Her kids have left university and mine are about to start secondary school. We are both watching Trinny's Zara finds and wondering if we can get away with the kimono look.

Have you spoken to your friends about his you feel - obviously not that they are boring. But say, you feel left out, on the sidelines that you miss them. You are dismissive of suggestions here are you sure if you suggested going round with a takeaway and bottle after the kids had gone to bed they would refuse? Do they really not want a night out even if planned a month in advance?

But by hiding this to them you are not allowing them to show you proper friendship? They don’t know if you don’t tell them in s tactful way.

I also get the one person obsessing about their child can dominate a group too.

Op going to soft play without having your own kids there is only forgivable in a Cm nanny or a gran. you are a star to do this but in doing so you are kind of encouraging them to see you as happy to talk this shite all the time.

You need to suggest some child free meet ups. I bet at least 2 will bite your hand off!

PS It can't be fun being the last one left standing op. I guess I hadn't factored in that this might well be a lonely place to be at times. There is a solution and that is other friends like you that ARE available and can commit to lots of fun stuff

Yes I think so paul I think it’s just wherever I go, I think women of my age will have small kids.