to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

10 is the best age you might not have the same problems but I guarantee you will have some

I don’t think you can never say never... you just don’t know who might come into your dd’s life and what decisions she will take.

Your niece may be causing a lot of grief just now but in a few more years she may have settled down and got her life on track.

My niece saw a lot of what she should never have seen or had to deal with but has always had her feet firm on the ground, is about to finish her masters while working full time. I’m so proud of how she’s handled having shit parents.

LOL if you really think it just happens "in that type of home or background" you need to come down to earth with a bump.

As a long term member of A.A (not the one who rescues cars either) for example the fellowship is filled with Drs, teachers, Pilots, Vets, Nurses, Consultants meaning people from and walk of life, including music stars, actors, actresses, sport stats and so on.

You sound very up yourself and think your better than them. Maybe your daughter will be ok. Maybe she won't be. I think that because of what you said about the SiL

I work with addiction and adults with troubled lives and believe me I have seen more who are from professional middle class backgrounds (which is incidently my background) through the doors than the other "types" you look down on

I think you need to learn a bit of humility and learn what there for the grac of God go I means

Even the homeless didn't start off there. I am not trying to say your daughter will end up like that. However if you think because of your background you are immune you are very wrong.

The last private school we went in to to talk about addiction there was four girls that came up to us after to talk to us about a family member drinking including a parents so no one is immune whatever your background.

Haven’t read the full thread but you may well have all this to come. Your background doesn’t always dictate what kind of person you become. Your dd won’t be a better person because she had a more privileged upbringing.
I had a very dysfunctional upbringing - including some of the things you mention and some far worse - I was a delightful teenager, had far too much respect for my mum to behave how some teens do/have done.
I will never say anything about someone’s child as you never know what your own children will do or turn out like.

Completely agree, Lockedout, but that's conflating two issues. OP reckons a nice middle class upbringing means a well behaved teenager. Prince Harry proves that all the privilege in the world doesn't stop kids going off the rails. And William was exemplary.

Bluelady I understand what you're saying, and I agree.

Of course, we all hope that nothing happens in OP's family however, even something commonplace like divorce can - in my experience - have huge effects on teenage children and lead to what we'd broadly brand 'misbehaviour'. And would affect a child with OP's DD's background no less than one with the DN's.

Haven't RTFT but there are no guarantees about how any child will turn out. In saying that, IME the parents who say 'well they're just teens' often have the worst ones. They excuse and enable behaviour and the dc know that there are no boundaries.

OP if it gives you any comfort there are six cousins in my generation of my family, the four (including myself) who grew up in nice lower middle class estates and went to good state schools have all been to uni, have post grad qualifications and are highly skilled professionals. Of the two who grew up on a rough Council estate and went to sub-standard state schools, one has been in and out of prison all his adult life. The other completed an apprenticeship and is doing better despite a minor brush with the law but nowhere near as well as the other four. Background makes a huge difference and that’s why, when times were tough, my DM fought tooth and nail to keep our house and off the council estate. Keep doing what you are doing and your DD has a better chance of keeping out of trouble and making a success of her life than your niece.

You might do, you might not.... but I think it has a lot less to do with circumstances than you think it does.
For instance im from a wealthy background, privately educated, parents went to Oxbridge, mum privately educated before that... dads family were more working class but still from a nice area never divorced, always in work etc

I went off the rails massively. I left home at 16 and was basically homeless and doing large amounts of drugs for some time.....

I mean its all been okay in the end.... but thinking that only kids from certain backgrounds will behave badly or go off the rails is very very naive

However there is very much a correlation between being brought up in an affluent environment by highly educated, involved parents who have high standards and expectations, and success in life.

Just to point out that educated, involved parents are not necessarily 'middle class'. Working class people can be just as educated, and living on a council estate does not mean you are not an involved parent. Also, parents on a council estate are quite capable of having high standards.

I have no idea why you think being raised in an affluent environment makes for a better behaved teenager, but I would be very interested to see a credible source for your opinion.

and in comparison to me my husband was raised on a council estate by a single teenage mother and ended up being the first in his family to go to uni... he has a masters now and its not because of parenting either as his mother was anything but supportive about his education

Obviously good parenting and stability always helps but you cant predict these things being easy . Sometimes its about the nature of the child, or something which happens to them outside of your control or just sheer bad luck/bad sequence of events.... If I were you id would prepare yourself for at least some difficulties.

the four (including myself) who grew up in nice lower middle class estates and went to good state schools have all been to uni, have post grad qualifications and are highly skilled professionals. Of the two who grew up on a rough Council estate and went to sub-standard state schools, one has been in and out of prison all his adult life. The other completed an apprenticeship and is doing better despite a minor brush with the law but nowhere near as well as the other four.

The difference here though is not the council estate, it is the school. If we put as much funding into schools that less affluent, working class children attend, then we would not be having this discussion.

What irritates me is people pretending they are better parents/students/workers because they have been lucky enough to not be born into economic deprivation.

Who knows. You just hold yr breath and go through it. You never know how their teenage yrs will be , just hope they
(and you)come out of the other end unscathed

You might not have all this to come with your own daughter but you’re unlikely to get through the teenage years without you and your daughter being exposed to her peer group experiencing drugs, self harm, eating disorders and anxiety to name a few.
All of which cut across all class and social boundaries. Private and state schools.

My advice would be to inform yourself, keep good, open communication with your daughter and her friends and be the type of parent who isn’t judgemental but is someone whom your daughter ( and her friends) can talk to about anything.

Some young people who struggle the most are the ones who feel they can never live up to parental expectations and feel they have to be ‘perfect’ all the time.

Sorry, but you are ridiculous.

You seem to think only people from bad backgrounds rebel, when actually this happens with people from all backgrounds.

You sound like a snob and you'll get a rude reality check one day.

My grandparents raised their kids in council estates, they lived in the worst performing local authority in the country, I still do, as do our parents. We all went to the least performing high school in the local authority and in the bottom 10 in the country. We all went to university and we all work/worked full time. Only exception is BIL who did not go to university and did not complete his apprenticeship as gf fell pregnant.

So I do know that council estate does not necessarily mean someone is going to turn into a bad teen. But it does expose the child to more negative influences. No one can deny that council estates have more problematic families that privately owned estates and more incidences of criminal activities.

It's more to do with parenting and stable family lives. All these families stayed together, happily married, all worked, no crime, no drugs, valued education, made sure their kids did their homework, spent their money carefully to ensure their kids got nice holidays, clothes, toys etc

The number of parents I come across, and they ARE mainly from council / low income backgrounds, who think education is just a teacher's job and refuse to help with homework, who complain if there's an in-service day despite the fact they (the parent) don't work, who spend most of their weekends doing bar crawls then complain they have no money, to allow their 15 yo to post on FB with their boobs on show (Just hands covering them - this is one of DN's friends) and say "how gorge is my lass"....it all pisses me off. If that makes me a snob, then so be it...but to then not understand why their children go off the rails, its just so stupid.

You are tempting fate OP!

Before you know it, your DD will have three children under five by the age of 16 with a drug dealer boyfriend

How can you possibly, possibly make massive assumptions in the way that you have done?

Even if your DD avoids the 3 kids by the age of 16 and the drug dealer boyfriend she could fall prey to anorexia mental health issues or any number of things. A perfectly lovely girl in the same year as my dd jumped off a 6' wall landed badly and now has a wheelchair for life ... You are living in fantasy land if you think you can dictate that no ill will befall your DD

(although i hope for your sake that she grows up safe and well and on an estate like yours and becomes a librarian so that you can say I told you so)

“So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)”

Oh ha ha - such confidence in the unforeseeable future! Yes...MY daughter has been parented WELL and will NEVER behave like my niece.

Listen...our lad was a delight till he was 14. We stayed together, we’re happily married, we work, we don’t have any criminal convictions, we don’t take drugs, we value education and make sure our kids do their homework, we spend money carefully to ensure our kids get nice holidays, clothes and toys etc....our 16 year old is a fucking nightmare!
I won’t go into details because this thread isn’t about him...but let me assure you, we have done all the same things you smugly list as some sort of preventative reassurance that your kid won’t go off the rails and it made no odds at all! He went his own way anyway as teens tend to do!

So yeah...keep this post and come back to it in a few years. We’ll see.

“All these families stayed together, happily married, all worked, no crime, no drugs, valued education, made sure their kids did their homework, spent their money carefully to ensure their kids got nice holidays, clothes, toys etc”

I did all that too...

Still got one easy teenager and one that was a nightmare...

How’s that work then? If you’re so sure that’s what makes the difference?

Although you can't rule it out, you are correct that family backgrounds similar to those of your BILs fiancee are more likely to result in troubled teens.

I live on a council estate. I'm from a family where both parents worked. My DD13 is very well behaved. Isn't interested in boys and has a very level head on her shoulders. I work pt in a supermarket, my partner is middle management. DDs best friend is from the more affluent area of town. Parents are both lawyers. Nice 5 bed house etc etc. She's run away from home and forever bunks off school, gets detentions.
Background has nothing to do with it. If the child wants to, they will. All people are different

YANBU to reject the idea that all teenagers will behave like your niece.

But your daughter ^might turn into someone who's behaviour leaves you sobbing into your pillow at night because you're worried about them being out/drunk/high/stoned/doing something illegal/being used by someone in spite of you cultivating and promoting a positive environment for her to grow up in.

My sister and I are so different it's unbelievable that we came from the same home, same parents, same opportunities, same rules.

All we can do as parents is try and steer our children in the right direction but they have to take the wheel themselves and that's where we have to hope for the best.

Only on MN would Prince Harry smoking a joint and having a drink at age 17 be described as going "off the rails" as well. That's pretty standard stuff!

He lost his mum and had to put up with the grief tourist public mourning. Hardly a privileged upbringing

I grew up on a council estate as have my kids. i had none of that. my ex-husband went to oxford, as did his dad, nice family. my brother in law is a heroin addict.

weirdly, where you grow up doesn't make the least bit of difference.