to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

I don't think having a troubled teen is inevitable.

I agree you should be helping your in laws not judging them

A lot of it is where you live as well, OP. It sounds like they live in a shit area and DN is being influenced by those around her. Agree that the private school/state school thing is a red herring but if you live in a low-crime area where people are basically law-abiding and have similar values and DC goes to a school where parents value education and have good attitudes themselves, this is half the battle.

Any child from any background can go wrong. What about those boys from aristocratic families who get into hard drugs and either die or get disowned? Thinking in particular of Jamie Blandford, and one other whose name I can't remember. (I think JB is clean now, in his fifties). Then there was Tara Palmer Tomkinson...We do our best OP but can't guarantee what our DC are going to turn out like.Good luck.

It’s not really the money or surroundings that produce civilised teenagers, OP, it’s the moral values of love and mutual respect that they are raised with.
I was one of those much vilified single parents, albeit through being widowed young. We weren’t wealthy for the first few years. But I raised my kids as Christians, with the help of church and school and the other parents in our village.
They went through mild teenage stuff - a Goth phase, a few drunken parties - but were always loving and kind hearted, and respectful to me.
They both graduated uni and are happy well adjusted adults.
While at uni they met many wildly wealthy middle class kids from “ naice” homes who felt unloved by their parents who branded them failures (at their good Russell group uni !) for not getting to Oxbridge.
Those kids were heavily into drugs and had no moral boundaries, the boys thinking it ok to sexually assault drunk girls, etc.
You can find saints on council estates and devils in mansions!

I didn't know Margot Leadbetter was on MN.

Yes you could well do. My terribly middle class bubble was shattered when my middle class, privately educated, good career husband died of a heroin overdose.

No you don't. I hate all the bad press teenagers get, whatever background. I wasn't anything like that and nor was my teenager. It's lazy thinking to say thry all go off the rails

Oh god this made me laugh!!

One of my very good friends come from a wealthy family. Spent her entire childhood in expensive boarding schools...

She is one of the most screwed up people I know. Drugs, partying for days, eating disorders...

Stop thinking your better than her op - the only difference is YOU had more privalige and opportunities through it. Maybe she would be like you if she had all those naice things too...

Oh boy...

Wow, you're a bit smug! You think their dd's issues come from them being a bit rough, and your dd won't have any issues because you're a nice middle class family? Er, good luck with that! Teenagers can be very challenging. They've got hormones all over the place, social anxiety, learning how independent they can be and what choices they can and can't make for themselves. It's a hard time for them and not easy for parents, doesn't matter what class you're from.

My mum raised me and my siblings all the same. Half of us ended up with fantastic jobs and beautiful houses, extremely middle class, and the other half, teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol problems, all other kinds of shenanigans 🤷🏻‍♀️ so watch your back OP hahaha

Any child from any background can go wrong. But it's much easier for them to go wrong in a rough area and a rough school. Why the hell do you think parents try so hard to live in nice places and worry so much about sending children to good schools? Yes of course how much parents love them and don't neglect them emotionally matters, and of course people do well who come from terrible backgrounds, but to say the surrounding environment makes no difference at all is ridiculous.

of course they don't all go irrevocably off the rails! But I don't know many who haven't got ridiculously drunk at least once, flounced out of the house, gone to music festivals adn done god knows what including having sex with someone (I am talking 18 year olds here)

I see that as perfetctly normal as long as they are generally hard working and respectful to their parents and siblings.

'Cos we've never heard of a well balanced, comfortably brought up kid doesn't do drugs, commit crime, drink to oblivion....

My parents are teetotal, religious, law abiding people.I was a quiet, compliant child and well-behaved teenager. Never gave them a moment's worry.

My sister had exactly the same upbringing as me, was an equally well-behaved child and then turned into the teenager from hell who brought my mum to the verge of a nervous breakdown.

You have absolutely no idea what lies in store when your children grow up unfortunately.

And you will at least have year 7 and 8 girls with social media to contend with...

it's not so much the council background, DD does have some BFFs from council estates, but their parents all work, with no criminal convictions, or drug use/dealing histories.

I guess one thing I'm trying to say is that our circumstances have enabled us to ensure DD avoids such influences as much as possible. DNiece has had less opportunity to avoid these influences because her family on mother's side and neighbourhood are full of such characters.

And I do try to help and be supportive, I helped DNiece with her exam studying (I have a tutoring background). So I'd be annoyed if she were to throw all that support away.

Don't get me wrong I hope you're proved right and you haven't got it all to come

Don't be too smug!

My brother and I were raised the same by parents who had high values, morals, set a good example etc - and whilst i genuinely wasn't ever any bother, my brother went off the rails a bit in his late teens (then got a reality check and grew out of it).

Erm not working does =Crime.
Good God You really are a first class snob aren't you

As long as you don't live on a council estate and went to uni you'll be fine.

In light of your recent post - my parents also were of a background that meant we didn't mix with undue influences.

Older teens make up their own minds - it really is outside your control.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Save your post and look back on it in ten years, and think about how certain you were