to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

OP, your daughter is 10. Surely by now you’ve learnt to not jump ahead of yourself and say “oh I’d never do it like that” before you’ve actually been in that situation! I can think of so many things I thought I’d do differently/better as a parent than I have done. You’re looking down your nose at the way your niece is being raised and making those judgements and fine... you might well do things very differently and your daughter might be a very different teen to your niece so, of course, you might not have to deal with the same problems your SIL has to deal with but you’re so naive to think you already have all the answers to parenting teens before you’ve even got there!

And actually, why have you even brought some of her background up? The council house?! Plenty of posters have already shown that’s an irrelevant detail.

I live in a tiny social housing flat. My sister is married to a rich man and they own 2 big houses. Our kids are a year apart in age. They both have straight A grade A levels, good degrees and useful jobs. But neither if them thinks that's because of their parents' social or housing status. Be kind to your daughter and try to show her how to view different people's lives with respect and intelligent humility. That's my polite reply. The real, more honest one is unprintable

“but you’re so naive to think you already have all the answers to parenting teens before you’ve even got there!”

Well absofuckinglutely! sardonic laughter

I used to think I’d have the teen years in hand...back when ds1 was young and biddable. I knew nothing then...NOTHING.

You're taking nonsense OP.

SIL went to a Russel Group Uni...DH dropped out of school at 16, so obviously SIL has a better career and her children are more able than ours.

Not at all. DH earns much more than SIL and our DC are higher achievers than their cousin.

The biggest drug user most likely to swear at their parents had university lecturers as parents....its more about time invested in your DC if you ask me.

I went to a girls grammar school that was the top one in the country at the time . Full of girls who had supportive , engaged , positive parents , from a variety of backgrounds from the upper middle privileged who had surgeons , bankers , academics , high up in the media types , to parents like mine ( mum was in payroll in the civil service , dad was a recovery truck driver ) . Some even from the arse end of the nastiest estates in the borough . We all without exception made it into RG uni’s and Oxbridge .

We kept in touch over the years , and heard of each other’s progress .Of the wealthy and privileged , three are now dead of drink and drug related issues . One was murdered by a dealer . Several dropped out of their uni courses , and another I saw in the local paper at my mum’s house , has recently gone inside for fraud and theft .

Of the few from not so naice backgrounds , one is now a naval architect who just got back from sailing the multi million pound yacht she was substantially involved in designing , over to Tahiti to deliver it . Another is now a barrister , and one is a crown court judge . And I didnt do too badly either .

I have 5 DC’s . All brought up exactly the same way . The three oldest DC’s made it to uni without too many issues . DD who at 10 years old was a lovely , funny , generous girl , is now a 13 year old drama queen , who thinks the world owes her a living . I’ve had more calls from the school about her in 6 months , than I did for the other three for the whole time they were there . To the extent that I had to move her to another school to get her away from the road she was starting to run down , and she is starting to settle . But don’t be naive OP . You’re not immune . No one is , no matter how lovely your background , or how supportive or engaged you may be .

I think we've established it's not wealth or lack of it that dictates whether a child goes off the rails or not. And fwiw, no two children have exactly the same upbringing even if they are in the same family. Everyone's upbringing is unique.

We all try our best with our children and that's all anyone could ask us to do. When my parents divorced, my mum fell to pieces and was pretty much a shit mum. I looked back on her with scorn for her poor parenting and life choices in the years that followed. Then, I grew up and had my own child and made my own poor parenting choices and also some poor life choices along the way, and I realised that no matter how poor my choices were, I was always doing our best; that my mum was always doing her best. Just sometimes, your best just isn't good enough.

Your niece wasn't born to parents who wanted this sort of life for their daughter. Through all of the 16 years that they've had her, they've done their best. Sure, due to their upbringing and the circumstances in which they live, their best is probably different to your best, but when you're faced with similar choices to make as your daughter grows up, who's to say that the circumstances in which you live and have been raised allow you to make choices based on you doing your best, don't lead to the same place?

So, at the moment, you've got DNeice's parents doing their best by accepting that her behaviour is usual teenage behaviour, what could you do to do your best to help your family at this turbulent time?

it’s not down to circumstances - it’s be more down to parenting than whether or not her mum had been in trouble for benefit fraud or what age her parents left school.

Nature vs nurture, I’d say nurture in this instance.

Never underestimate what your kids may get up to, whatever background they may come from, I’m taking this advice on board.

I did all of those things. my dad is a professor. it makes no difference.

Ok so your little angel is all sweetness and light at the moment.
You are coming across quite smug and snobby in your description of your in law's.

I too come from a nice private house,with a good degree but all this niceness didn't stop my Brother becoming addicted to drugs!!

There for the grace of god go I....

I hope it all does come to you. You’ll stop being so smug then.

Some really nasty posts on this thread. The op is a bit misguided but doesn't deserve people wishing her dd to go off the rails to prove their point

Maybe - my family said one day I went to bed a sweet irl woke up the next a completely different person. Made their life hell for two too three years.

They don't no the reason but overall it was lack of love and attention.

They bought me stuff but never actually gave me a cuddle. So yeah they still don't no why to this day why I used to act out!

And your not coming across smug, your stating facts. You'll find their are a lot of jealous people on this site OP

No! You don’t necessarily have all this to come!
My teen kids and their mates have their ups and downs and can be a bit cheeky but they certainly don’t swear like sailors , get rat arsed, take copious amounts of drugs and generally fuck up their lives.
It’s not a given that teenagers are a hot mess.
Lots aren’t.

I'm the youngest of six siblings who all grew up in an utterly hellish Glasgow council housing estate. My dad died when we were young, and my mother was/is an alcoholic. One of my brothers escaped down to London as soon as he could, got qualified as an accountant, and married DSIL, a solicitor. I can't be certain, but I reckon their family income must be in the region of £500K pa. All four of their kids have gone through private schooling in london. The eldest, my niece, has gone completely off the rails - she finished school last year with some fairly lukewarm results at A-Level, had to go through clearing to get a place at an ex-poly university which she deferred for a year - she's since hooked up with a boyfriend (a ne'er do well, my gran called him!) and is now saying she wants to move in with him and forget uni. She works in asda two days a week, and seems to have zero ambition in life.
Compare this situation to that of my DSIS. She never left the Glasgow council housing estate, raised her two boys as a single mum - the eldest is in his final year at Oxford doing PPE, the younger one is on a scholarship at the Royal Ballet School. Not a day's bother with either one of those boys - I can only think that they wanted something better out of life?
I'm confident that my niece will come good at some point, she's got that eloquence and polished look of someone who's been privately educated. But it's been fascinating how it's all worked out for us as a family. You really can't predict it.

there are too many variables to predict it.your daughter could have the nicest upbringing from you but then be plagued with bullys or lack of confidence in school.and event heaven forbid like a mugging or rape could occur.she could get an eating disorder or drug addiction even with that upbringing.
she could fall in with a loud group at school.or fail a few tests and it might spiral.
she could become self aware for so many reasons and it wouldn't be because of how she was brought up.
your daughter might go through a hate mum and dad stage simply through the hermoines.
your nieces background might make her fight harder and work harder to get away from all that and change her life for the good.so she could have been tooo much of a perfectionist and worked harder got smarter than a lazy "posh" kid that doesn't feel they need to work for it.
have it rough at home is only one reason lives can be hurt but its not a definite.
children and teens are so vunerable to all sorts.
I do think what will get these people through is support so that strength of a family would help no end in that situation.its who you have around your and their attitudes to what comes that will make the difference.
if your daughter got into trouble it might break you.where as with the difiiculties they've face your in laws might step up to the plate to fight for the girl harder.who the hell knows.
don't think you can predict these things.you cant.
you have to just know you love them with all your heart so whatever comes you walk and fight and cry and love and laugh alongisdie them to make sure they are safe and well.
shit happens to the best and worst of families.
especially in today world where mental health illness are seeking out are kids with a vengeance we just all need to be aware and be ready to rally and support and love.together.

I really don’t think where you grew up and how loving your parents are makes a difference. I think it’s more to do with hormones and getting in with the wrong crowd.

My parents ran their own business, worked hard and very long hours, loved us and did everything they did, for us, 3 children and we knew all this. We had a wonderful childhood, lots and lots of extended family. We were never smacked (maybe a tap on the legs if we did something that scared mum, like walking out in front of a car!) although we were threatened with the slipper on occasion (my parents didn’t wear slippers!)

I went to a rough secondary school in a very nice middle classed town although we lived in a very nice little village 3.5 miles away. I hated school, most of the teachers were bastards, one (who has a famous actor husband) threw the board rubber at pupils regularly, I behaved at school (apart from the occasional talking in class and not doing my homework) but got hit by the rubber about half a dozen times when it failed to reach its target and was told the throw it at the intended recipient and then got detention when I refused. We used to get all class detentions if someone did something wrong but the teacher didn’t know who it was. Getting a detention meant a 3.5 mile walk home, usually alone through dark country lanes. My parents couldn’t (and probably wouldn’t have) picked me up, they had a business to run. The only teachers we liked were the maths teacher, our head of year who followed us throughout the school, the games teachers and home economics.

4 girls got pregnant and left school at 14/15, 3 others had babies but came back including my friends sister. My mum told me then that if I got pregnant it would be my baby and I would have to look after it, which scared me more than being told not to get pregnant! I was on track to go to a very good college to do a degree in accountancy.

I ran away from home regularly. I stole from my parents (not a lot but some money from the till and mum’s bag) drank a lot, had a 24 year old boyfriend at 14. He had a motorbike, I didn’t really like him but my dad forbade me to see him so I carried on seeing him for another 8 months.

I was a bit of a shit.

My brother died when I was 15. I changed overnight. We moved 60 miles away, mum couldn’t bear all the memories. I couldn’t get into an accountancy course where we moved to (mum and her best friend said I could stay with the best friend and stay on to do the course but my mum was so sad) so I ended up in child care. Been a nanny for 32 years.

I also worked for a lady who grew up in Moss side, Manchester, apparently the roughest housing estate ever. Again, she had loving parents. Again she got into the wrong crowd. Some of the stories she told me were terrifying. She moved to London, drank a lot, did a lot of drugs but started her own business. Now she’s clean, owns a few businesses, has the most beautiful children and a loving partner and is in who’s who!

This seems to have slipped over from a”are all teenagers the same “ to a social thing.
Let’s be honest here, all kids have the potential to go off the rails but if you are brought up in an environment where your parents don’t work, are abusive, abuse drugs/alcohol, have no ambition, couldn’t care less if you go to school let alone if you’ve eaten or are properly dressed when you get there then your future probably looks a bit grim.
Obviously there are a million reasons why kids go tits up, but starting from shit is a bad place to start

I went to a private school, the girls I met there were all awful as teens. One girl told her mum she was staying with another girl from school, but instead broke into her dad's house whilst they were on holiday and had a massive party. Advertised the whole thing on facebook and the house was completely destroyed by a load of drunk and high teenagers.
The stuff these girls got up to was on another level to the stuff my mates from the council estate ever did.

it's not so much the council background, DD does have some BFFs from council estates, but their parents all work, with no criminal convictions, or drug use/dealing histories.

Have you done a DBS on them all? Does your dd have special MC nice radar?

Not if you maintain a responsive relationship with your child, I don't think so. But you never know what will happen. I have known investment bankers and accountants who had terrible crack problems.
Material success is not a good barometer of a balanced and content individual.