to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

You sound insufferably smug.

And rather stupid.

One of the most out of control 16 year olds at my DD's naice school is the daughter of the headteacher of another naice local school. Don't count your chickens...

Please may I apologise unreservedly to the whole of MN for the kisses. My dd texted me half way through my post, I replied to her and somehow in my confusion, you lot got her kisses

Is it a faux pas to Xx

By the way she's my 18yo A student dd who drinks in moderation, abhors drugs, has a bunch of lovely friends and works hard at school and in her part time job. She is kind and funny and smart. Her mother grew up in a council house in Dudley.

Just sayin'

have been busy with DD this afternoon (see I do pay attention to her!) and have only just come back to this thread.

@manicinsomniac has summed up what I meant to say better than I did.

I'm certainly not a snob just resenting the implication that my daughter will be equally badly behaved and that my parenting skills are similar.

Thinking about DNiece's disappearances....I don't understand why my ILs wouldn't call the parents of the friend(s) she claims to be staying with, phoning the police to report the parents/shops that provide the underage alcohol, do drop off / pick up to check she's going where she says she'll be going, put a tracker app on her phone, take away phone/ipad, stop giving money for makeup/clothes, move schools to get away from bad influences (although I'm told she's the 'head' of her group of troublemakers)

It's things like that I would do that they don't. It's so bad that DNiece's neighbour approached my DH to complain, and the police have been bringing her home on occassion...that is so mortifying for the family....but it's normal teenage behaviour?

Some people do like to speak negativity over children as they become teens. You are right to reject that. You do not necessarily have all this to come (although it is possible). It's also worth reassuring your dd if these comments have been made with her around. It could well be making her anxious about what is to come. I would say work hard at keeping the communication open with her.

yes they have been made with her around, in addition to regularly hearing swearing from both DNiece and DNephew (younger than DD) and their parents...DD is starting to question why they are allowed and she isn't....also questioning how much DGPs spend on her cousins compared to how much they spend on DD...DD is alert to it all :(

It really sucks.

Wow so you think that because you are educated and have money that you are better parents? I have seen 'middle class' kids behave horrendously. Also we live near a prestigious private school and its well known in town that many of them have big drug problems,especially the boarders who have access to a few hundred quid each week to afford a coke habit. Maybe you should stop thinking so highly of yourself and give something back to the community and learn about these people. Go and volunteer in a soup kitchen and get educated, university or not.

@HellenaHandbasket

That made me laugh. Private school kids are definitely also dicks. I was one

The only difference is they are just dicks that run in richer circles where there is more money for drugs and partying!

You’re not unreasonable to think that not all teenagers will bring trouble to your door. BUT you are unreasonable to think that it couldn’t possibly happen to your daughter. Sorry but just because you’re middle class doesn’t mean that your kid will turn out perfect. She could end up with self esteem issues, in the wrong crowd, with the wrong type of boyfriend (and yep don’t bet that she’ll tell you about him so you can vet him), pregnant at 16, or just end up angry at the world and you. Any of these things could lead her down a troublesome path. And to be honest with your attitude I’d think it likely that if your daughter was tempted by any of the above then she’d conceal it from you.

DD is starting to question why they are allowed and she isn't

Watch out OP. None of mine thought there was anything glamorous about swearing when they were 10 and certainly wouldn't have asked if they were allowed!

Never say never

colalight do not make swearing a red line. Don't do it. If you're going to have the vapours every time your teen drops an F-bomb, you're setting yourself up for years of mistrust and miscommunication. Some things just aren't worth the fight. My DDs swear. But they know when it is OK to do so (when they hurt themselves, never at people, when it is just the three of us and we are engaged in passionate debate) and when not to do so. My STBXH couldn't handle it at all. Honestly, swearing is no biggie.

When it comes to spending money, you need to explain and illustrate the value of money to your DD. Be honest about what you can and cannot afford. Teach her you don't get money for nothing. Tell her how credit cards and payday loans work, and why they should be used very carefully. Teach her material goods are not everything. Much of this stuff can be headed off by some good honest discussion and demonstration.

Exactly my, we just got into a better class of trouble and had parents that could buy us out of it.

Check out Prince Harry, every privilege possible and he was a teenage nightmare, unlike his brother. I bet there are more drugs in Eton than any compressive, more money to pay for them for a start.

Bluelady
Check out Prince Harry, every privilege possible and he was a teenage nightmare

Parents' divorce and strained relationship
Mother's death

Just two things that money can't solve but in my limited experience can affect teenagers deeply.

Yanbu op. I know exactly what you mean.

I have a family member whose adult son has been in all sorts of trouble. He's actually a nice guy most of the time but he's constantly stoned, a (very well) functioning alcoholic, he's been done twice for drink driving, has had a number of community services for fights and breaching the peace. Works cash in hand, lives with his mum at 30 with not a great deal of ambition. Lots of girlfriends who he has to eventually dump as they all turn out to be psychos (funny that).

Every time I have to listen to his mum going on about his latest relationship drama, or how Simon had to carry him home from the pub again or how he's had a ruck with Harry from next door, I get 'just you wait! Boys! You have this all to come!' (I have all boys). I get lots of teenage drama stories where she says the same, about how he disappeared all night at 12, that time he was brought home by police 3 nights in a row, you get the picture...and I have all this to come!

Um, no.

I will never allow my children to get stoned off their face at 17 with their mates, in my house. I will never excuse their drink driving and buy them a car to celebrate their case being thrown out on a technicality (yes really). I will never do lots of the things that I feel have made her son the man he is today, because I want more for my dc.

So no, whilst I might make my own fuck ups, I feel strongly that I don't have all this to come.

"You've got all this to come" is just something people say and shouldn't be taken at face value.

Although you may well have it all to come. Teen rebellion isn't necessarily a sign of bad parenting or circumstance. A couple of my friends who are some of the most totally respectable, mc, hardworking, involved parents you can imagine are going through horrendous times with their teens.

No, not all teens behave like that.

But the things that you mentioned about her mother having her young, not being educated, living in a council house - it sounds like you think these things are a factor for her behaviour. You wouldn't have even mentioned them otherwise. So yes, you are a snob.

And for what it's worth I come from a chaotic background with a father who served many jail sentences for offences which included drug dealing and I was an extremely quiet well behaved teen, I didn't even have a boyfriend until I was 18. Never touched a drug in my life.

I live in a ha house, single parent and my teens are very well behaved. There is nothing wrong with living on a council estate and I find your views awful OP.
My eldest is about to complete on purchasing his first home at 20 yrs old.

Could your child do that? Without your help?

Oh and I was 20 when he was born.

OP you sound like you live in a bubble.

I hope your DD gets more life experience than you have had, and turns out to be less of a judgemental snob.

Clearly it's not as simple as saying that nice, middle class families have nice children and working class ones have naughty ones.

However there is very much a correlation between being brought up in an affluent environment by highly educated, involved parents who have high standards and expectations, and success in life. It's utterly disingenuous to pretend that these things are unimportant.

I thought the same as you op and then my lovely little girls turned into teens