to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

Well my sister and I are 2 years apart. Same parents, school etc.

She ended up into drugs, truanting and being an absolute nightmare.
I was the complete opposite.

Good luck OP. It might happen, it might not.

I had a very similar upbringing to you OP and grew up in a lovely little village - very middle class. But I was a little devil as a teenager, smoking drinking, sneaking out, throwing tantrums etc. I did well at school tho and I’m an angel now so not all bad

I work with a lady whose 14 yo goes to a very prestigious private school out in the countryside and there was a massive scandal last year where a load of them had been taking cocaine at a party 2 ended up in hospital, and it turns out someone from yr 12 had been dealing it to them!

Haha you never met my privately educated straight A cunty little sister then.... she’d been in all sorts of bother by the time she’d left school.

Now very sensible. PhD and all that.

So You may have trouble who knows?! I’d never be so arrogant as to assume my naice kids won’t end up behind bars or what have you.

Also while there is probably some drug taking in almost all schools I went to a private school and it was certainly not rife. Some people smoked a bit of weed, a few did pills but most did nothing at all, many didn't even drink when of legal age in the last year of school.

I am a professional, my dh was hard working with a good job. 2 of my dc are at uni, have jobs, well behaved, reliable etc. My 3rd has never had a job, has stolen, has been in trouble with the police, drinks and takes drugs..... none of that was ever experienced in their upbringing.

It happens, so I wouldn't be so sure it won't happen to your dc.

And yes private schools are full of kids with unlimited cash and therefore you can always get drugs

I wouldn't be so blasé as to say oh it's normal teenage behavior, no it doesn't have to be, parents don't have to accept such behavior, regardless of council estate or private mansion

I have 2 teenagers, twins (non identical) one going to uni this year the other left with no quals, would go missing, brought home by police etc etc
We are a ‘nice’ family.

Don’t count your chickens.

On the positive side drugs and drinking has decreased. It was on BBC recently. But there are still a lot that fonit

Never say never

Not necessarily. Having teenagers isn't always easy. I have 2 - one has had some MH difficulties, both have at times been bullied and have struggled with friendships, both have had to cope with an alcoholic father (who now no longer lives with us). But they do not drink, do drugs, get into trouble. They are not rude. They are succeeding at school. They are just fallible human beings who have had their ups and downs but are lovely 95% of the time. The other 5% is hormones. Their friends are much the same.

Just stick with calm, firm parenting, set boundaries, listen, be open. It might all go wrong, it might not. Life's like that.

You can’t predict how hormones will affect teenagers’ brains, though the things you describe with your niece have been very rare occurrences in my children’s circles.

My daughter was horrible to me for a few years. We had been close before she was about 15.

I realised we are pretty well out of it last night when she said she wanted to see Mamma Mia 2 with me.

I would rather stick needles in my eyes than watch that film but of course I will go with her.

She’s 19.

My family are as you described. My older sister ran away from home at 16 to live with a drug dealer boyfriend. Went missing on and off....harder to find kids in the late 80s. Had her son young (not in itself bad, but when you keep going missing and my parents just wanted the best etc). Basically gave my parents sleepless nights from the minute she hit her teens. She was a model child. I was a complete nightmare and then we seemed to swap roles. So never be smug. I went to boarding school and some girls when crazy when they got freedom. My poor parents there is an age gap so there was roughly 20 years of hell!

My sister is now a social worker has a master's degree and a lovely family I should add. And is a lovely caring person and a wonderful mum.

IME it's little to do with upbringing and a lot to do with the crowd they fall in with. My sister and I had the exact same upbringing. At 14 she was having sex and riding around with boys in stolen cars, I was staying in and reading books. Let's hope you don't have a big shock coming.

The op is a snob. She thinks she won't get trouble because her family is so much better than bils and his fiancees.

I know kids who have gone off the rails from all sorts of backgrounds.

My mum's family is dodgy as fuck. All the things listed in the OP have happened in her family. But half of my cousins went off the rails. The other half didn't. Even now couldn't pick what the differences were.

I have had friends from very well to do backgrounds who have completely gone off the rails.

OP thinks they are protected b3cause her family is so much better.

Our esteemed home secretary Sajid Javid was brought up in a council flat and he's mentioned the sneering snobbery he experienced as a child

YABU Not all teens go off the rails but a lot do. You are not there yet so hopefully your teen will be fine, what your SIL is trying to do is prepare you for what may come your way. Teens for the most part are whirling hormonal dervishes who think the world revolves around them.

It does come across as though you are looking down your nose at them to be honest.

IMO there is pretty much nothing in lifd that isn't to do with upbringing. We are all products of our upbringing. The choices we make, the crowd we fall in with. None of it is unrelated to our upbringing. That doesn't mean it can't have an opposite effect sometimes. My parents' smoking made me never want to touch a cigarette in my life. Which I didn't. That's still an effect of my upbringing.

I’ve had one teenager that was really easy and one that pushed absolutely every boundary there is...they’ve had the same home life and the same parenting...

Ain't that the truth.

It's nothing to do with money, class or Uni OP.
It's to with love, consistency, boundaries and lots of bloody patience.

One thing I have noticed a lot of DD's more affluent friends all have in common?
They don't talk to their parents. Their parents are absolutely CLUELESS about some of what they have been up to.
They might all have en suites but they don't really communicate. So everything on the surface looks wonderful.

Maybe the key is being able to talk to each other? I went to Uni, but my house and job aren't grand and I certainly can't judge anyone else on the basis of that as it means nothing.

Parenting a teen can be a joy and it can be a nightmare.
You never know what will happen and you just hope the peers they hang around with aren't idiots- then you can relax a little and know they are on the right path.

You know your daughter is an actual person with her own personality and free will don't you? Just checking.

You might have all this to come. You might not.

But you do sound like an insufferable snob and a smug one at that.

And you know what they say about pride and falls don't you xxx

Private schools and private schools. Haha, yup! There are two in particular I’m thinking of which are undoubtedly prestigious. I’m not naming them as I don’t want to be sued!

Dd was an angel until high school. It is a really really horribly rough ride in our case. Her behaviour is horrid at times and she has put herself in some dangerous circumstances. It came out of the blue and has been going on for over a year.
I am terrified of her nice friends parents finding out.
Please dont judge your in laws. Its a very lonely and upsetting time for them. See if you can help or at least just offer a cuppa and a chat. No one knows what the teenage years will be like.

Good luck OP.

I have DS1 who has just graduated from Uni, lovely boy, got 1 detention the whole time he was in secondary school for taking in the wrong science book, he was mortified. Then there is DS2... is much brighter than DS1 (too bright really, never ever put it to any use, hated school, always had the tutor or HOY emailing/ringing me how he managed to pass his engineering course at college I will never know as he was hardly there) has had the same upbringing and privileges as DS1 but boy oh boy he has and is still putting us through our paces. I despair a lot of the time I really do.

I'm a head of year at a fairly exclusive and extremely expensive private school. ALL of our students display 'teenage misbehaviour' at some point between the ages of 13 and 18, and their parents certainly get the worst of it. So your BIL and his fiancée are basically right. I'm afraid that living in a naice house and not having a cash in hand job is no insurance against teenage rebellion and risk-taking behaviour.

This poster has, sadly, got it right: you do sound like an insufferable snob and a smug one at that.

YANBU. Just because your niece is being vile it does not follow at all that your daughter will be anything like her.