to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

Its not inevitable that all teens go off the rails but some do and its hard to predict who they will be. My DC go to a school full of very well off middle class kids and some of the things they get up to are pretty eye watering - arrests, drug supply, sex with strangers and other risky sexual activity, and did I mention all night raves, and more drugs? I'm happy to say mine haven't (yet) done anything crazy bad. Seems to me some of them have too easy access to money and rather inattentive parents who might be making some complacent assumptions and who dont actually have honest and open relationships with their kids.

Isn't the usual rule is as soon as you start patting yourself on the back something will come up and bite you in the bottom?

You just don’t know. One of my kids went off the rails. We are very middle class and from middle class background. I’m in an executive role earning lots, my son still acted out. My sister ended up on a council estate with a ‘no-hoper’ (not my words, hers) and her kids are all at university and doing great. You are living in la la land if you think you’ll be fine based on your education and nice house.

My friends are members of the Royal Society and Deans at a very fancy university- daughter still pregnant at 13 (she was utterly fine at 10 and totally ticking the nice kid boxes). Don’t kid yourself. You’ll probably be fine. Your daughter will probably be fine. But taking that for granted because you’re a snob is an accident waiting to happen.

Nobody knows how their teenagers will turn out mine came from a council flat and were no real bother and quite dull some of their more privelaged friends however were proper handfuls. Just because you live in a nice area blah de blah doesn't mean she won't rebel and tell you to piss off she is going OUT

Fear not OP - your dd will be as perfect as your your smugness predicts.

The wildest girl in Dds year parents were Solicitor & Social worker she got up to all sorts she has settled down fine as a 20 something but god she was wild

My children are 21&23 and we didn’t have those problems when they were teens. I think a lot of it was down to luck more than anything else. We do live in a nice area, they went to a good school, as a family we value education and their most of their friends had similar backgrounds.

Everyday I thank my lucky stars for our circumstances because life could have been so different and our children could have turned out totally different. We are fortunate we live where we do because of DH’s job. My sister on the other hand is stuck in the outskirts of a city, her kids went to a school in special measures, there’s a lot of poverty and little ambition so I can see why drinking a cheap bottle of cider in the park is attractive to some of them.

The divide in this country is huge and it’s so unfair.

I think it's probably less likely but there is still a chance she'll go off the rails.

Ok, just saying... I had a rough council home background. At secondary school my best friends' parents were obviously quietly appalled by me and concerned that I would lead their perfect daughter astray. But she was the one who worked on leading me astray! She made me stay out all night with her, used me as an alibi when she went home with boys and encouraged me to, had multiple abortions. Not that I'm judging, she just had a few wild years, but when I look back on it there was me looking on horrified at how reckless she was being, while her oblivious parents were busy being horrified by me!

tldr - You really never know how the teen years will go. Put your offence on the back burner until your dd is at least 21.

You can't assume anything. I've been very fortunate with my dc (so far) but I'd never be complacent. In my experience honest, non judgmental communication helps them stay on the right path but nothing is guaranteed.

You may do, you may not do. I came from a nice background, I didn't bunk off school or get into drugs, but that isn't to do with my background I don't think, really. Anyone can make friends with a group of people who behave in that way and do things that they know they shouldn't to impress them (could be in school.. could be at college/uni or adult life) or they could get in a relationship when they are older with someone who acts that way. My daughter goes to private school and most students are lovely but there are still some that aren't, like any school really, the only difference is I think they have more power to expel students (but even then it took my daughter and a few others being threatened with a knife before the child was expelled). I think the thing is, as long as you teach your child what is acceptable/unacceptable behaviour .. whatever their background, I think in most cases they will have the sense not to get into drugs/dealing/prison sentences. You can only teach them though, it's up to them ultimately.

I know what your saying OP and at one stage I would have thought the same and hopefully your DD(fingers crossed for you)doesn't get into any trouble when she's older.

But in all honesty you can have the most on board,supportive and loving parents and they can still have a child that goes off the rails,it seams really unfair I know but it is just the way things go sometimes.

my sister has 2 tattoos

Gasp, horror! Oh the shame!

I agree to an extent OP. When people say things on here like, 'stealing is normal in teenagers' etc I think 'erm, no it isn't!' There are things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing as a teenager and will expect (hope?) DS thinks the same. I think a lot of it does have to do with parental influence so if they don't punish for these behaviours then their DD is perhaps more likely to act out.

However, you do come across a bit snobbish in your post.

YABU, you just don't know. The naice-ness of your life doesn't immune you from those problems unfortunately.

YANBU to think that just because your niece has turned out that way, you will also have, ‘all this to come’.

YABVU to think that your lifestyle or her upbringing will be the thing preventing it from happening if it doesn’t.

It’s luck of the draw I’m afraid.

DD middle class family, privately educated, nice friends. Her teen years were awful. Drugs, self harm, anorexia, tantrums - the lot. She’s now a teacher with a family of her own but dear lord, those years were truly horrible for her and the family.

What a snob.
There but the grace of god.
Ar our private school kids were expelled for drug dealing.....
Being educated doesnt mean without problems. Benefit fraud can grow out of desperation.

There's certainly a whiff of snobbery here, but it would be pretty ridiculous to claim that bad behaviour, drug-taking etc are totally unconnected with upbringing. I've taught in a range of schools, from posh private to rough inner-city comps and there are certainly plenty of exceptions, but from my experience the majority of kids involved in criminal or seriously problematic behaviour are not from naice, supportive mc families. In the 10 years I taught at a private school, there was no evidence of any drug-taking or any serious misbehaviour of any kind.

My friend grew up in privileged middle class surroundings, with nice holidays, good quality foods and clothing, and parents who really cared about their DCs’ education.

My friend has done really well in life but her sibling, not so much. The sibling got into smoking skunk as a teen (as many middle class kids do), and this combined with an existing, unrecognised MH vulnerability to create huge problems. The sibling did not complete school, and has never held down a job. They are now in their late 30s but unable to live independently, and have served prison time.

Your child is very lucky to have good opportunities and choices in life. But things can still go wrong. Don’t count your chickens!

No evidence of drug taking in the private schools you worked at? Well maybe they were good at hiding it!

I have seen the opposite in private schools.

Re drug taking in private schools. I once asked DD who took drugs at her school. She said it would be a lot quicker to tell me who didn’t. I never thought she would do drugs. She was very aware of what they can do but yet over the following years I think it was just heroin she hadn’t (thank god) taken.

Pride comes before a fall!

OP. The richer kids can afford better drugs. In North Laahndan anyway, which is where I grew up and still live.

Your original post is not only VERY snobbish and condescending, it's also deluded.

Your comments on council estates are breathtakingly sneery.

I wonder what your BIL and their family think of you?

Pride really does come before a fall you know .

No evidence of drug taking in the private schools you worked at? Well maybe they were good at hiding it! I have seen the opposite in private schools.

It was one (girls') private school. I don't think they were hiding it, and I am no stranger to drug-taking teens. There are private schools and private schools.