to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

Hmm, we are a naice family, live in a naice village and have naice friends. We have 3 pretty good kids and DD1.

DD1 is lovely and charming and charismatic but she has this desperate thrill seeker DNA which constantly gets her into trouble. I suspect ADD to be honest. I think I have a touch of it myself but DD is more beautiful and confident and seems to live life on some kind of rollercoaster.

So we have had unsuitable friends and boyfriends and underage drinking and drugs and illicit all night partying. And some of this has had real and long lasting consequences. Even at uni she has been hard work and lurched from one crises to the next.

Because we are middle class and comfortably off and reasonably clued in, we have managed this, to the extent that DD reasonably happy and healthy and educated and is not lying in a squat somewhere with a baby and a needle in her arm. I genuinely think it could have gone either way though and only our family closeness has prevented it.

My understanding (DCs are 19 and 21) is that the worst drug problems are often in the private schools and better off state school areas)

IME, a lot of middle class parents drink a lot of alcohol. Wine o' clock etc

Ive known plenty of lovely teens (including my own).
I think some people just like to be harbingers of doom... Eg "just wait til its born" "Just wait til shes walking" "Just wait til he's a terible two" "Just wait til the second one arrives, then you'll know what its like to be tired!" "You've been lucky with your first sleeping so well, the 2nd will be COMPLETLY different!"
Every single person/child is different. Dont worry, but also dont be smug, you just never know what the future holds!

I went to a top boarding school by default all came from wealthy families.

Why do you think our parents spent all that money to send us away ?

I came from a great background. Didn't stop me from becoming a drug fueled twat. She might meet and fall in with the wrong crowd. Thankfully I am clean now but I think yab a bit u

My friend pulled her DD out of the "best" school in our area...private of course...because the kids were selling drugs at lunchtime. Pockets full of cash!

I really don't think OP has been trying to say that the difference is that her niece is from a council estate and her daughter is from a more affluent family.

The difference seems to be:

Niece - chaotic homelife with a background that includes drugs, prison, lack of stable employment and a deprived lifestyle. Inconsistent (both neglectful and indulgent) parenting. No history of higher education or career ambition in the family.

Daughter - stable homelife with no background of drugs or crime, parents in full time jobs with enough money for security. Consistent, firm parenting. Expectations of educational qualifications.

Without either child doing anything good or bad it already seems fairly obvious which one has the better chance of getting through the teen years with less difficulty.

The OP's circumstances don't guarantee what her child will do or be like, of course. But they do give her better life chances.

OP you're absolutely right. Nobody can tell you 'you have all this ahead of you'. Not all teenagers push the boundaries to such extremes.

You're also unreasonable to assume that you're totally exempt from it just because of good parenting and a stable environment. My DH had the world's most stable, comfortable home with kind and supportive parents who he put through the wringer with drugs, growing pot in the basement, sneaking out to raves, crashing the car while drunk, etc etc etc. He turned good in the end but what a ride those high school years were. His poor elder sister was perfect. She probably felt pressure to be even more so, seeing the stress that DH put on their parents.

'Plenty of teenagers come from good solid backgrounds and go off the rails' - but how do you really know how 'good and solid' anyones background really is? It can take just one incident to spark going off the rails

On the one hand obviously parental influence does have a big impact as can the wider context of where the child's family and neighbourhood. On the other hand being middle class and educated can certainly make your child less likely to go off the rails but it's not a guarantee by any stretch of the imagination. Middle class children from educated homes also have a host of issue that they're more likely to suffer from.

It sounds like your husband and in-laws are going a bit overboard to be "understanding" and to make allowances.

I would probably find that annoying, too, but no matter how many advantages you give your daughter (including better discipline during her formative years), there's no guarantee she'll behave any better than her cousin.

Yes, it's very likely she'll avoid most of those pitfalls, but you can't be positive of her outcome.

But yes, I'd still find their attitude greatly irritating and would try to avoid the subject, since neither side is likely to change its mind.

Nope I'm going to have to disagree with you there.

My parents were (and still are) very hard working - both in full time respectable jobs, never swore infront of me, never got drunk (that i was aware of) were very loving towards me, and certainly never did anything dodgy.
I grew up in a lovely place, kids were lovely, I was lovely all until I hit 14 - then all hell broke loose....

It had nothing to do with my parents but rather the company I kept.

My poor parents tried everything, they certainly didn't have a "oh well" attitude! The harder they came down on me the more i pushed.
They grounded me, they took away every privilege I had and nothing worked. They banned me from seeing certain friends outside of school but of course, they couldn't ban me from seeing them in school.

I snuck out of the house when they were asleep, I smoked, I drank, I ran away from home, I stole from them, I shoplifted, I truanted, i was rude, i was arrogant, I was a complete and utter nightmare and it was absolutely not my parents fault. They tried absolutely everything they could. So sorry, you have absolutely no idea what your child will turn out like.

No YANBU. There's no inevitability that teens will be a PITA. Mine are lovely. DS went through a bad phase for a while but that was short and we sorted it.

I have much younger half siblings also no bother / drugs etc growing up.

Council/private/uni background are less important than modelled behaviours and expectations.

I dunno. I came from a middle class family and did a lot of those things

I went from pony club to rehab in a few short years
That’s a belter of a line
Like a jolly cooper strapline

You really can't predict what children are going to be like as teenagers. They can come from the most adverse background and be amazing, or the most privileged background and be a nightmare. Teenage years are when the majority will test boundaries and practice being an adult. I see it as being my job to help them do that as safely as possible.

...I do think YANBU as regards the belief that "all teenagers do those things".

No, they don't. Nearly all teens have "moods", have a tendency to talk back from time to time, and generally make themselves and everyone around them miserable on occasion, but not all get into underage drinking, drugs, and other serious trouble.

Some people like to insist that they all do, but it's not true. (Obviously.) There's probably nothing you can say to convince them otherwise, though-- especially when they are making excuses for themselves or their loved ones.

you can influence to a degree. And I certainly think that not 'accepting' that drug taking / lawbreaking are 'normal' helps.

But you know, I'm a Dr and live in a super nice place and my DS1 got 3 GCSE's and is struggling to find his way; DS2 has severe anxiety and MH problems, I think he has tanked his GCSEs... DS3 (13) is ok so far ...

You just don't know what your kids will do ...

Whilst background and home life do most certainly play a part you cannot guarantee anything.
I have 6 dc and currently 4 of them are teens. They are all completely different in their behaviour.
What I have learnt is that staying available emotionally, listening with as little judgment as possible and staying as calm as possible when they rage and swear and metaphorically spit gives you and them the best chance.
They need to know that they are loved unconditionally even when they are smashing the house up. Be ready to forgive, pick your battles, trust them. The vast majority will come out the other side just fine, although you will certainly be battle scarred.

The truth is, you don't know what you have to come, OP. Your job is to be the best parent you possibly can regardless of what life throws at you.

Once your dd gets to the age of 15 or so, you will no longer be the only influence on her. She will be the one making choices, not you.

Dh and I are hard-working, studious, sober, and law-abiding citizens. Half ds' former classmates are either into drug-dealing or gangs. There is no way we could "keep him away from their influence" without locking him up. All we can hope is that he himself makes choices that are sensible and safe. So far, that seems to be working. But it has to come from him.

As for dd, she is at drama school, surrounded by posh kids from hard-working backgrounds, all with shared interests. She and a friend of hers are the only ones in her circle who don't take cocaine or even smoke weed, both of them because they have serious MH issues and know it would be particularly dangerous in their case. Again, MH issues not something I could have shielded her from, and having to make the right decision re drugs is again something that had to come from her.

I’ve ushered 2 children through to adulthood (or near enough!) and haven’t had those problems. It’s not guaranteed that you’ll have those problems but I’ve seen friends with similar backgrounds to me have difficult teens doing the things you describe so I guess you just can’t tell which sort of teen you’re going to end up with.

You just won't know until you're past it, OP - and even then you probably won't know half of what she did, only the bits she tells you.

I had a friend in primary school who could not have come from a more stable, secure, affluent family. From about 12 she just ran a bit wild, then seemingly sorted things out, but it didn't end well. There was absolutely no way anyone would have predicted any of it.

Well you might. I was hugely privileged as a child/teen. I was also an absolute shit during my teen years. My DD has had a "naice" upbringing, well educated, off to an excellent university in September. She is currently a nuclear level shit even at 19 years old with a level of entitlement that puts some of the cheeky fuckery you read about on here to shame!

Also, I think you'd do well to remember that it is not all about "background". Certainly, some of my own family didn't have the luxuries or education that I had and indeed had upbringings similar to the circumstances that you describe in your OP. All are successful, well rounded people. Of course, you can influence and guide but don't imagine that you are immune to the vagaries of teenage behaviour just because you don't live on a council estate and went to university!

“So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently”

YABU - you might well have that to come and thinking you’d handle it differently is very much like thinking you’d not let your toddler have a tantrum in public when you’ve got a newborn.

I’ve had one teenager that was really easy and one that pushed absolutely every boundary there is...they’ve had the same home life and the same parenting...

I really hate the tone of your OP, OP.

You sound like a dreadful snob.