to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

I guess one thing I'm trying to say is that our circumstances have enabled us to ensure DD avoids such influences as much as possible

how? yes you are surrounded by nice middle class people but when she goes to secondary school she will meet other people and other peoples kids. Just because its private school won't make much difference - yes she's unlikely to end up being a drop out at 16 but her friends will become more important to her than you are!

I’m from a ‘nice’ family. Parents well-educated with good jobs, strict upbringing, etc etc. I was a model child, well-behaved, did well at school, then hit my teens and went off the rails big time. Smoking, drinking, drugs, sleeping around, teen pregnancy, running away, homelessness. My mum went NC with me when I was 20. If I hadn’t met my husband, I’d probably be dead by now. I now work on a council estate in a very deprived area and yes there are problems, but there are problems in the more affluent areas too. It’s not always the parents or the living circumstances.

No you don't have that to come OP, you have much much worse because your daughter's mother is an unbearable snob.

^Erm not working does =Crime.
Good God You really are a first class snob aren't you^

The mum is a convicted criminal.

NoArmarni that’s shocking, I’m so sorry.

Another here who comes from a stable, catholic, higher income family, no drink or drugs, safe area, university educated parents. I went off the rails at 13, smoking, drinking, drugs, left home at 16, I was awful tbh. I am now 27 a married mom of 4 doing a university degree through the open uni so even when it goes bad it didn’t mean it will forever!

I'm a state educated chav and I was a really boring teenager. Liked reading, kicked arse at school, went to a great university and met DH.

DH, however, is a boarding school educated toff. And was a right little shit as a teenager. He was dealing drugs in his boarding house. PIL are the most lovely, well-intentioned, excellent parents I've ever met.

There's just no way of telling what's gonna happen to your DD, OP. It's likely that she'll be naughty in some way though, so brace yourself.

I'm a state educated chav and I was a really boring teenager. Liked reading, kicked arse at school, went to a great university and met DH

I love that. Me too.

Several of my clients in substance misuse clinics came from the best backgrounds. All the privilidges (Think Patrick Melrose). Others more middle class and then those from deprived homes.
In my time I have also met people who came from THE MOST HELLISH home lives. The miracle was that they survived.
I know kids my DD went to school with (she is 25) for whom I held out not much hope and all was well in the end and others who had so much promise and advantagde and it just didn't work out.
As my best friends Granny used to say "Its the long road has no bends".

I am really loathe to generalise in the way you have OP, but out of the say 100 friends and peers I have, all the most fucked up ones went to private school and grew up in middle class families.

Don't be so smug snd stop judging young parents I'm one and haven't had any problems with dd who is now 19 oh and I was a little shit myself although I come from a good background I managed to give birth at 18

Surely it's about the stability of your family life. Wealth has nothing to do with whether your family is functional or not.

YANBU to think there is less chance that your daughter will have these same problems that your niece is experiencing.

YABU to think there is no chance of it.

My 15yo DD hates socialising and people in general. I can't see her getting drunk and going to raves or whatever. It's her idea of a nightmare! My 11yo DD, however, is much more sociable and enjoys going out with friends already. We shall see.

Nobody can see into the future and everyone's personality is different. Just take things one day at a time, perhaps? Don't compare children to each other.

State school chav from blue collar family here. Me and sibling both in prestigious careers, nice homes, cars etc.
Minted friend from down the road went to posh private school. Had 4 kids before she was 23. Divorced alcoholic now.

Perhaps tone down the smuggery. You never know.

So.....she is a spoilt brat and this is her background...

She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc

What an awful thing to say. It sounds like she has a troubled home and that's all you can say about her.
On the other hand I dont like mapping out someones life on the - you have it all to come. Teenagers should be tricky but not necessarily out of control i dont like labeling people like this.

I hope you can take your niece out from time to time, she sounds upset and troubled.

You let your precious daughter mix with people from council houses...

How gastly

You might, you might not. I found Get out of my Life...but first take me and Alex into Town by Suzanne Franks (I think - I know I have the title right) an extremely helpful read after a tricky passage with my adolescent son. Be prepared, OP! and if it all passes off easily, thank your lucky stars (rather than your impeccable parenting) or maybe, just maybe, wonder if your oh-so- good child has not quite managed to separate from you properly....

leccybill

there are a million and one reasons why your minted friend went down a different path, but troubled broken homes can happen to anyone, we only need to look to the royal family for that,.

You might do. I went totally off the rails despite coming from a respectable background. My parents were always strict (df in the military) etc but I got to 13 or so and no punishment they could inflict bothered me in the slightest, I just didn't care what they said or what they thought. My partners in crime... similarly off the rails nice middle/upper class girls.

You might do.

I grew up fairly middle class yet I left school with no qualifications. I went on later in life to rectify that, got a degree and post grad and now teach FE. As a teenager though, I was a fucking nightmare. I was never involved with drugs or petty crime but I hated my secondary school and skived most days until eventually dropping out all together a few months before my GCSE exams. I really gave my parents hell for a while.

There’s no way of predicting which way it will go. It doesn’t necessarily mean a child has been raised poorly if they grow up to be a bit of a twat.

Also worth noting my DP and his sister went to private school. His sister is a drug addict and has been since her teens. She has a job but nothing fancy. Their prestigious school really paid off there...

I had a nice middle class upbringing, my parents couldn't have been more respectable. I was an absolute nightmare in my teens. When I think of what I put my poor mother through I cringe. There are no guarantees, OP, your daughter might be a perfectly behaved teen, she might be a train crash. If I were you I'd enjoy her as she is and not go looking for trouble.

I feel like it's not normal for teens to go off the rails to that extent and there not be something going on. The majority of people manage to get through their teens without being arrested

But people are different, some children can be parented the same and one turns out fine but at sibling might go off the rails.

Im not an expert but I would say the best way to avoid this kind of thing is to have good communication with your teen, to ensure they know they are loved and to respect their boundaries as an emerging adult. It's got a lot less to do with money and role models, the point of rebelling is being nothing like the adults around you after all

In fairness though, if you yourself haven't been brought up in a home that is chaotic, but probably functional, it is difficult to appreciate the fact that it isn't in fact the end of the world.
It is a cultural difference. Like speaking different languages. The priorities in some houses are different to others and the working class household might be appalled by what is important in the middle class house and vice versa.
I don;t think its lack of compassion, its lack of insight. The OP sounds a bit snobby but she just doesn't understand what normal is for them. Or that the working classes have been criminalized....or something. Is there a working class anymore? or just an underclass?
That isn't meant to be goady I am just wondering out loud