to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

[colalight]

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice estates...you get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

SaltyPeanut hang on. Thats no fair. You don't know OP. You can't say that. Apologise.

Snobbery works both ways everybody.
Not just the exclusive reserve of the middle and upper classes

Your being a snob won't actually affect whether she goes off the rails or not.

The only difference might be that she can afford more expensive drugs with which to veer wildly out of control.

So that's something, at least. :)

I’m from a “naice” family, grew up in a big country pile, went to a very posh school etc
I didn’t go off the rails per say but my siblings... Jesus.
One got kicked out of school, managed to get into a Russell group through clearing and then got kicked out of that for some disciplinary issue she’s never fully disclosed.
The other was staying out all night from a young age and would be a nightmare to get hold of.

Teenagers push boundaries

Coming from a Naice background doesn't prcebt this. Well mannered engaged parents prevent this. It all depends on how well you behave a D how well you parent.

You can't say that. Apologise.

You'd better hurry, Salty, or she'll ground you.

It's not always your background though
It can be friendship groups
Peer pressure
General curiosity that then escalates
Don't be too cocky
Most of the most famous people kids look up to are flaunting drugs and alcohol
That can be an influence in itself
But you can't stop her from ever seeing anything or hearing about anything

Grew up in a scheme,poor,overcrowded house. Happy outdoorsy childhood.Went to uni,worked hard (v hard), i was one of the few employed students on my course. Everyone else prosperous was mc,their parents were doctors etc.There was no bank of mum & dad,just me. And it’s made me study hard,value the work ethic I was given. I didn’t have time or the fall back to have a mc existential who am I crisis

Drugs? I never encountered drugs until I met middle class stoners at uni, and they were using. I didn’t of course.

I hate this demonisation of the working classes as if they are something to be feared or shield your children from,like a disease

Also IME because of my background I can move in any social circle,I work with people who are poor and disadvantaged and I can empathise. Decent people screwed over by an unfair system that operates as a middle class club

So no your prosperity won’t prevent any mishaps but it will cushion your dc. Class goes a country mile in uk

Where have I said that we went to private school? or that DD goes to one?

We were state educated. And DD goes to the primary school that DNiece went to, and will go to the same high school.

Posh kids are just as likely to go off the rails as council estate kids. The only difference is that they tend not to get caught by the police. This is mainly because posh parents neglect to inform the police that their child has gone missing.

So you can be comforted by the fact that if your daughter goes off the rails, your money will probably insulate her somewhat, and none of your posh friends will report you to social services for neglect. Yay!

I must have grown up in a really boring area, I don't know anyone in my 150 strong year group who got arrested/got pregnant/ran away from home in their teenage years.

YANBU to think it's not a given that all teenagers go through that sort of stage

😂😂😂
Don't count your chickens.

I went from pony club to rehab in a few short years.

Not all teenagers push boundaries!

You might. I came from the family you describe yourself as, as does my sister. I went off the rails a bit, my sister massively so.

The truth is, none of us know what's to come, it's all crystal ball territory, so don't throw any stones in case you find at a future date that you're in a glass house.

YABU - you don’t know how your daughter will behave when she’s a teenager - it all depends on who she hangs around with and how easily influenced she is!

So you raise kids not to give in to peer pressure. Parents do have some influence

Madmags, can't ground her. Reported it though

Plenty of teenagers from 'good', solid backgrounds get into trouble in one way or another. Lots of teenagers from deprived or troubled backgrounds do well - perhaps they want better from their lives?

You won't know how your teenager is going to be until she's in her twenties. Don't be smug, and try a little empathy towards others.

I wouldn't talk too soon. I too thought that about my adorable 10 year old dd. At 15 though she can be the most obnoxious madam I've ever met and often I feel like strangling her (metaphorically of course). It is like they suddenly develop a jekyl and hyde personality around age 13 1/2. Its bizarre, it really is.

It's really not that simple, and you cannot predict how your DD will behave in years to come. What you can do is provide a stable, nurturing home, and parent to the best of your ability, then hope and cross your fingers.

Unfortunately you cannot avoid the influences that you describe, both my elder two DCs went to private schools, the parents all lived in "naice" houses, had good jobs, most had been to university etc. Several had criminal backgrounds (often white collar crime, though, in case that is preferable!) and the drug taking/dealing amongst parents was rife. This behaviour inevitably filters through to the children.

Of course I appreciate you are doing your utmost for your DD, and to be honest a good proportion pass through the teenage years unscathed, but please don't imagine that these things couldn't happen in your family.

I'm not posh, nor middle class.

We have teaching / engineering backgrounds, as do our parents, and our grandparents were shipbuilders/factory workers

No you don't.
Drinking? Yes talking back/swearing? Yes boys and drama? Yes

Truancy, drugs, weekends without contact are not the norm.

You'd be surprised how many of the kids at my very expensive private school - kids who had middle class, university-educated parents with nice houses - took drugs, got drunk regularly as teenagers, had sex (including a teen pregnancy from a girl whose mother was a GP and father an accountant), shoplifted etc. Obviously there were plenty of kids who didn't do those things too, but the point is a nice middle class background is no guarantee that your child will sail through adolescence without ever finding her way into trouble.

Parenting and how you raise your child has a lot to do with it, but don't be complacent and just assume that being middle class is enough. If your OP had suggested that you won't have these issues because you're making a conscious effort to guide your daughter on a safe path I might be more inclined to agree with you (although even that is no guarantee). But you've focused so much on your class and material circumstances that I would worry you think those alone are enough. But they really aren't.